Hogwarts Confessional
by Looney Loopy Laura
Summary: Lily Evans and her three best friends make up one of the most popular and powerful groups in Hogwarts, the Clique. They have it all: brains, beauty, charm, and a school full of admirers. But what happens when an innocent idea for amusement becomes destructive as it tears the entire school apart? Throw in a few Marauders and they've got themselves quite a year ahead of them.
1. Chapter 1 - Prologue

**Hogwarts Confessional**

**Chapter 1 - Prologue**

I twirled a piece of auburn hair around my finger as I stared absently at the chandelier hanging above McGonagall's head. I wasn't even paying attention to what she was saying about N.E.W.T.S. It didn't matter to me at this point. All I could think about was how I had gotten into this horrible mess. Not only had I lost the person that I loved the most, but I had lost my best friends too.

Where had everything gone wrong? Just six months ago everything had been perfectly fine. Hell, it wasn't even Christmas yet and things had somehow gotten so irreversibly screwed up. There were spells to turn my hair green and sort my pocket change, so why wasn't there a spell that could take this all back?

Frustration, anger, regret, and sadness had been boiling inside me for the past week and I was constantly on the verge of tears. This wasn't _fair_. I hadn't even started this whole thing and I was going to get blamed. And worse, my position as Head Girl was _seriously_ in jeopardy.

Accepting the fact that I wouldn't take in a word of the lesson, I began looking around the classroom. The three girls that had once been my best friend were scattered around the room, seeing as none of us were speaking to each other anymore. We had once been the most popular students at Hogwarts. We were the seventh year Gryffindor girls. The Clique, that's what they called us. Some people even said we were female equivalent of the Marauders, but that description didn't suit us; we weren't known for our mischief making. We were popular because we were the most desirable girls in the school. Exceptionally smart, impeccably well mannered, dazzlingly charming, and undeniably good-looking. We were indestructible.

We were wrong.

A few rows ahead of me sat Marlene Marquette. Marley. She was bent low over her notes, her long dark hair spilling over her parchment while she copied furiously what McGonagall was saying in her lecture on who-knows-what. Marley was the school sweetheart. You'd be hard-pressed to find a fault in her. She was genuinely kind and always showed a great interest in our problems, even if they didn't pertain to her at all. I had never met anyone more selfless than she was. I had never heard her once talk badly about someone, even if they deserved it. Of course she gossiped. We all did. But her gossip was harmless, sticking strictly to what she heard and steering clear of straight up trash-talking anyone. It was devastating to me that she wouldn't even make eye contact anymore.

A few seats down from Marley sat Emilie Quinn. She was the bubbly, hyper-positive girl in the Clique. It was a rare occasion to see Emilie with a frown on her face, even when she was genuinely mad about something. She tried to put a positive spin on everything. She was also unbearably pretty. Her golden brown hair fell in a gentle curl just below her shoulder and she wore black-framed glasses that accented her dark blue eyes. Freckles dotted her cheeks and she used to be embarrassed of them, but like everything else in her life, she had turned it into something positive. She was one of the few girls in school, aside from myself, who had freckles. It made her unique. Emilie carelessly threw herself into relationship after relationship, none of them lasting more than three weeks. She had dated half the male population at Hogwarts but according to her, "none of them were good enough". Myself and the rest of the Clique whole-heartedly agreed.

I glanced down the table while pretending to scratch my neck and caught a glimpse of Penelope Birch. She actually hated being called Penelope, hated Penny even. When her little sister, Elsa, was born she couldn't pronounce Penelope. She had called her Pippa, instead. And it had stuck. Pippa seemed not to be paying attention as well. She was resting her chin in her hands and absentmindedly moving her quill in circles on her parchment while staring at the corner of the ceiling. Her brilliant blond curls cascaded down her back and her hazel eyes were glassy and unfocused. My heart ached as I watched her. She looked uneasy sitting there. Every so often she would drop the quill and her hand would scramble until she felt the feather between her fingers, never taking her eyes off the ceiling. I wondered what she was thinking about, if it was the same thing I was thinking about.

Pippa is — _was —_ my absolute best friend. She was the first person I ever met at Hogwarts and we had clicked instantly. After Pippa, everything else clicked into place. We met Emilie and Marley when we were all sorted into Gryffindor and in our first year brilliance, we began referring to ourselves as the Clique. We thought we were being clever at the time, but looking back it seems juvenile. But nevertheless, the name stuck.

It was completely effortless, my friendship with Pippa. She was easy to be around and accepted all of my weird quirks with no questions. She was the jokester of the Clique, the entertainer. She always had something up her sleeve, even if it wasn't always the…er, smartest things to do. She was beaten in her pranks only by the Marauders, but really, who wasn't? She, like Emilie, had dated practically the entire male population of Hogwarts within a two-year radius and broken every single one of their hearts. She had never seriously fallen for anyone… except Sirius Black, that is. They had dated for a few weeks in fourth year before Sirius broke up with her. She had never fully explained what happened to me, though I got the gist of it from Remus Lupin. He said they were too good of friends and Sirius didn't want to ruin anything. Uncharacteristically noble of him, in my opinion, especially seeing as he has never turned down the opportunity to shag a girl. None of us in the Clique understood it. Pippa played it off like he was just another random boy, but the truth was that she could barely look at him for the rest of the year. She claims she's over it now, but we all know better. Sirius, of course, remains completely oblivious to her feelings for him. But she would never try anything with him again. I always suspected that she was a lot more hurt than she let on.

I couldn't stand sitting in that room anymore with everyone who hated me and each other. I just couldn't. So for the first time in the history of my years at Hogwarts, I got up and walked out of class. I kept my eyes down, avoiding what I assumed to be a furious stare from McGonagall, slung my bag over my right shoulder and just walked out. As I neared the door, my vision started to blur as the tears I had been holding back for days started to slide down my cheeks.

Once I was outside the classroom I ran the rest of the way to the girl's bathroom. I dropped my bag just inside the door and propped myself up over one of the sinks and turned on the faucet to drown out the sound of my crying. I watched the tears fall and quickly blend into the running water.

I looked up into the mirror above the sink at my tear-stained face, my green eyes even more brilliant because of the crying. Strands of limp red hair fell around my face and down my back. My face was flushed and I was almost happy when I noticed that my freckles were barely visible at the moment. Unlike Emilie, I did not like my freckles. I sighed and slumped back against one of the stone walls, sliding down to the ground. I buried my face in my arms and started crying again.

Everyone hated me. Everyone. I had never felt like this before. How had I gone from the most popular girl in school to the most hated?

I heard the bathroom door open and I bolted into one of the stalls, quickly closing the door. I prayed that whoever just came in hadn't heard me crying. Hopefully they'll just do their thing and leave.

"Lily?"

I held my breath. _Damn_.

"Lils, I know you're in here."

I didn't move. Of all the people to come in here, this was the one person I absolutely could not face right now. Fresh tears were now falling silently down my cheeks and I put my hand over my mouth to suppress my ragged breathing. I heard footsteps coming closer to the stall and instinctively I backed away from the door. I remembered only too late that I hadn't locked the stall and the door slowly opened.

"Lily…?"

* * *

_A/N: Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed the prologue! The next chapter starts six months prior to this so you get to see everything that leads up to it. _

_So this is a story that I wrote when I was 16 and recently I've felt like I wanted to share it here so there you go! I hope you enjoy it!_


	2. Chapter 2 - Damn My Swooning Instincts

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything! This is all JKR!_

Chapter 2 - Damn My Swooning Instincts

_June - Six Months Ago_

"Should I cut my hair short?"

"Huh?" I abruptly snapped out of my daydreams to find myself in the middle of History of Magic class. My best friend, Pippa Birch, was whispering to me while pretending to take notes.

"My hair. Should I cut it?" She whispered again as she began to comb a strand of her perfectly curly blond hair.

"I like it long," I whispered back, shrugging.

Professor Binns was prattling on about some giant war a thousand years ago and I honestly couldn't care less. I had spent the last hour of class drawing intricate designs around the edge of my parchment. I turned my attention back to the particularly elaborate star I had been drawing before Pippa interrupted me.

"But I want to do something different. Should I colour it? Or maybe have it straightened?" Pippa whispered to me. I barely heard her as my full attention had been turned to the sketched star.

"Lily, you're not even listening to me," Pippa poked my unfortunately ticklish side with her quill and I let out a high-pitched squeak, nearly toppling out of my chair.

Luckily, Professor Binns did not seem to notice but several of the other students in class did. I heard my two other best friends, Emilie Quinn and Marley Marquette, giggle in their seats behind us.

Next to me, Sirius Black turned towards me with a stern expression on his face and hissed, "Do you mind? _Some _of us are trying to learn." He shook his head with mock exasperation and turned back to his parchment where he and James Potter had been battling it out in Tic-Tac-Toe. Potter leaned forward over his desk and waggled his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes at him and turned my attention back to Pippa.

"I was _saying_ that I want to do something different," she hissed at me, clearly not caring that she had caused me a near heart-attack.

"I think you look fine, Pip," I hissed back. I loved Pippa more than anything in the world, but sometimes she could be a bit caught up in her looks.

She let out an exasperated sigh and crossed her arms, ready to pout, if necessary. I clenched my teeth. I was in no mood to humor Pippa right now. I had my own drama to deal with.

"Fine. If you want, I'll cut a fringe for you tonight," I said through my teeth while giving the star I had been drawing a rather violent stroke.

"Geez, what's with you? You're not even paying attention to _class_. I don't think I've ever seen you not take notes," Pippa said, turning her chair slightly in my direction. I could feel Potter's and Black's eyes on me now. They were listening, too. I turned my chair toward Pippa, hopefully blocking them out.

"Nothing," I muttered. "Just a stupid fight with Chris." Christopher Penley was my boyfriend of almost eight months. We had started going out together at the beginning of the year. He was a sixth year, like me, but he was in Ravenclaw. He was wonderful in a lot of ways, but there were plenty of times when I wanted to strangle him. Now, for example.

"What happened?" Pippa asked, forgetting all about her "hair problem". "You guys seemed fine over the weekend."

I heard the scraping of two chairs on the stone floor and I knew that Potter and Black had _not_ stopped listening. I was almost positive that Sirius was right behind me now, so I shoved my elbow back behind me and a punctured grunt came from Sirius. I whirled around in my chair to see Sirius doubling over with his arms around his stomach and Potter, his chair considerably closer to me than the last time I looked. He gave me a guilty smile and quickly turned forward, pretending to be paying rapt attention to the senile old ghost. I shot him a warning look and turned back to Pippa.

"Nothing serious. Just… he blew me off again to hang out with his friends tonight. I wouldn't be so mad, but this isn't the first time he's done this." I muttered.

Pippa frowned and a crease formed between her eyebrows. She opened her mouth to say something but Sirius cut her off by putting an arm over my shoulders and turning me in my chair to face him.

"Forget about him, love. Hang out with us tonight," he said.

"As much as I'd love to, I can't," I said shrugging Sirius's arm off my shoulder while eying him and Potter distastefully. "Besides, I'm allergic to idiot," I muttered in an undertone and Pippa giggled.

"Then how can you stand to be around that boyfriend of yours?" Potter asked in a polite voice, his eyes still on his notes. I fumed at him and opened my mouth to tort but Sirius cut me off.

"Lily, we're not going to let you waste the last few weeks of school sitting in your room pouting for your stupid boyfriend," he said, not looking the least bit scared as my expression became even more furious.

I opened my mouth to argue and to tell him off for calling Chris stupid but Sirius put his hand over my mouth so all that came out was a muffled jumble.

"You don't have to hang out with us, just please don't waste your time being mad and not enjoying life, okay?" Sirius said and dropped his hand from my mouth.

I stared at his earnest face, thinking. It wasn't that I was opposed to hanging out with the Marauders. For all intents and purposes, we had somehow managed to become friends in the past year. Sirius had actually proved to me that he wasn't an arrogant womanizer and I could actually talk to him about certain things. He always astounded me by giving surprisingly insightful answers. Before I knew it, he had become one of my closest friends whether I liked to admit it or not. With Remus Lupin, of course, there was no trouble being friends. He was genuinely nice, but he still had his moments of idiocy like the rest of them. Potter had gotten better, though my friendship with him hadn't progressed as much as with Sirius. He was still intolerable most of the time and never missed a chance to ask me out, but he wasn't _totally_ horrible. Peter Pettigrew was still a complete mystery to me and I was still at a loss as to how he had joined the Marauders.

"I don't really want to spend my night playing useless pranks on Slytherins and first years," I said, brushing my vibrant red hair out of my face.

"Who said anything about pranks?" Potter said, flashing me a wicked smile. "Sirius swiped a bottle of firewhiskey from the kitchens last night."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Thanks, but I'll pass. Maybe another time."

"Come on, Evans," Potter pleaded. "What else have you got to do? You said yourself that Chris ditched you tonight."

"You could come too, Birch," Sirius winked at Pippa, whose cheeks turned a faint pink color. We all knew Pippa still liked Sirius, even if she would never admit it. Sirius of course, was completely oblivious.

A wad of paper hit the back of my head and I snatched it up before Sirius or Potter could. It was a note from Marley and Emilie.

"Sorry guys, girl talk tonight with the Clique," I said putting on a pretend sad face. Girl talk was a weekly ritual that the four of us had. Since we were usually busy with homework, we rarely got a chance for all four of us to talk. And now that Chris bailed on me tonight, the timing was perfect. The bell rang, and before either Potter or Black could say a word, Pippa and I were out of our seats and walking toward the door. Marley and Emilie followed closely behind.

"Hmm, fringe. I kind of like that idea…" Pippa said, back to her obsession with her hair.

The four of us walked to lunch after History of Magic, talking excitedly about weekend plans and possible subjects for discussions at tonight's girl talk session. Emilie had a ton of gossip that she was bursting to share with us but we made her save it until later. Plus, the Marauders were following us so they would undoubtedly hear anything we said.

We sat down at the end of the long Gryffindor table for lunch. Pippa and I sat on one side of the table and Marley and Emilie sat across from us, as usual. Pippa was still idly twirling her golden hair between her fingers, occasionally muttering "fringe". Emilie and Marley were whispering between themselves and I overheard comments like "can't pull off that sweater/sock combination" and "did she really think that pigtails were still in?"

Potter and Black dropped down onto the bench next to me with Remus and Peter following closely behind. Pippa, who was still combing her hair, didn't seem to notice this. Marley and Emilie, however, quickly stopped whispering to each other and froze with their eyes on the Marauders and myself, clearly waiting for something else to gossip about.

Potter, who was closest to me, draped his arm over my shoulder casually as he bit into a piece of toast.

"Ya know, luff, Ah know you faid you were biffy, but –"

"Swallow, Potter," I growled, shoving his arm off my shoulder.

"Look, I know you said you were busy tonight, but I can understand if you don't want to hang out with a bunch of immature boys," Potter said, throwing a quick glance to Remus and Peter, who were making smiley faces out of the food on their plates. "So why don't just the two of us hang out. We could go somewhere…quiet?"

I sighed and looked across the table at Marley and Emilie, who were suppressing smiles, and rolled my eyes. "In your dreams, Potter."

"Yes, you are…" Potter said, his eyes slightly losing their focus. "But look, Evans, we have fun when we hang out in a group, right? It couldn't be so bad to hang out just the two of us. You hang out with Sirius by himself."

"Are you jealous?" I asked, turning back towards him. I noticed that beside me, Pippa was suddenly paying attention.

"Not in the least," He said, trying to brush it off, but I saw a faint hint of something underneath. Was that irritation? "I'm just saying, to be fair, you should at least give me a chance, too."

"But you would think of it as a date," I accused. Potter opened his mouth to reply, but we were interrupted by a figure moving in between Potter and myself.

"Who's got a date?" Christopher Penley asked, squeezing himself backwards into the space between Potter and I.

"No one's got a date," I said shooting Potter a warning glare.

"Oh, well hello, then," Chris said, changing subjects and giving me a peck on the cheek. "How is your day going?"

"Fine," I retorted, still annoyed that he cancelled our plans for tonight.

"Come on, Lil, I _am_ really sorry," he pleaded, catching my mood. I looked at his face, his square jaw and deep brown eyes. He looked so sincere. "Really, though, I completely forgot it was Blake's birthday and you know how important my friends are to me."

I stared at him for a moment longer. It was selfish of me to have gotten so mad about stupid cancelled plans. It _was_ for a friend's birthday, right? I could never ask him to choose between his friends and myself.

I reached up to his face and brushed my hand through his shaggy blond hair. "Of course, no worries, love. Really. Have fun tonight, I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked.

He answered by putting a hand under my chin and tilting my face up so he could kiss me on the lips. He made it so impossible to be mad at him. My head swam and I tried to remember that I was in the cafeteria with lots of people watching. Damn my swooning instincts.

He dropped his hand and he moved his lips toward me ear. "I have to go to class, But I'll talk to you soon, ok? I love you," He whispered so only I could hear. He kissed my forehead quickly and before I knew it, he was gone from the Great Hall.

I must have been staring after him like an idiot because I didn't see the potato Sirius had lobbed at my head. It hit me right at the spot Chris had just kissed.

"Ow! Damnit, Sirius." I hissed and brushed the chunks of baked potato off my face.

"That's disgusting," Potter said, shaking his head.

"Blame Sirius. He's the one who threw it," I muttered as Pippa pulled a piece of potato out of my hair.

"No, not that," Potter said. "You. And _him._ Disgusting," He wrinkled his nose as he stabbed another potato from the dish in the center.

"_I_ think they're cute," Emilie said, propping her head in her hands. "I wish I had someone like Chris. I wish I had someone at all…"

"You mean you want someone who ditches you all the time and then lulls you into a false sense of security by snogging you senseless in front of the whole school? Yeah, he's a real catch," Potter sneered.

I ignored him. "You'll find someone, Emilie. No one here is good enough for you. They're too _immature_." I said, elbowing Potter in the side.

Emilie let out a small, musical laugh as Potter doubled over. "Thanks, Lily."

"Whatever," Potter said roughly, shoving away from the table. "I'm going to class."

"Class isn't for another twenty minutes, though" Marley said, staring at him curiously. He didn't respond, but simply walked out of the hall with the rest of the Marauders on his tail.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! I figured since the prologue is rather short I should just go ahead and post the 2nd chapter. I hope you like it! I'd love some feedback so leave a review!_


	3. Chapter 3 - See? Am I Brilliant or What?

Chapter 3 - See? Am I Brilliant or What?

"What was James so upset about?" Marley asked as we walked out of the Great Hall towards our next class, Potions.

"I dunno," I shrugged dismissively, tucking my auburn hair behind my ears. Who cared anyways, right? Not me.

"Lily…" Pippa started, her eyebrows pushing together in frustration.

"I know what you're going to say, Pip, and don't," I said sharply.

"What's going on?" Marley asked, confused. "What's she going to say?" Marley tugged on Emilie's sleeve, who looked equally as confused.

Pippa strode out in front of us and turned around so she was walking backwards.

"James fancies Lily. And she _knows_ it," Pippa explained, while glaring at me. "She just doesn't want to admit it," she said smugly.

"Potter's just jealous that I'm the only girl in school he hasn't shagged yet," I said indifferently. "He doesn't like me anymore than that."

"Lils, I'm not saying you should date him," Pippa said, softening a little. She fell back into step with me and hooked her arm through mine. "You know I like Chris. You guys are great together. But can you please admit that maybe James has actual feelings for you, more than just wanting to get you into bed?"

I stared straight ahead of me, concentrating very hard on the back of the boy's head walking in front of me. _I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not list—_

"Lily," Emilie said, taking my other arm in hers, "James is our friend too, you know. We just don't like seeing him hurt when you rub it in his face that you're with Chris, even if it's unintentional. I think all Pip's saying is that, maybe if you accepted that he fancies you, you could ease up on the Chris-obsessing when he's around?"

"Well, when you put it like that…" I said, slowing my pace. Couldn't I go back to not listening again? I liked that better. It didn't make me feel _guilty_.

Hold up, I was feeling guilty about _Potter_? Urgh, kill me now.

"I guess I could tone it down…but it doesn't change the fact that he's an annoying git."

Pippa smiled and gave my arm a squeeze as we turned into our Potions classroom.

"Emilie, no offense, but your gossip this week was lacking…" Marley sighed.

"That's because nothing interesting is happening," Emilie whined as she draped herself over the edge of Marley's bed.

"That's because you're not looking hard enough," Pippa said haughtily as she admired herself in the mirror hanging on the wall between hers and my bed. I had just finished cutting her fringe and now she couldn't take her eyes off herself. "I heard today from Seth Johnson that Mabel Edwards was caught snogging Geoffrey Hawkins in a broom closet."

"I though she was going out with what's-his-name…" Emilie snapped her fingers, trying to remember. "Carl something-or-other…"

"Carl Littleton, yeah," Pippa nodded, turning away from the mirror and sitting down on my bed next to me. "I guess he completely flipped when he found out and stormed out of Charms, right in the middle of a lesson. Can you imagine?"

"So much drama," Marley laughed softly as she braided a tiny section of her silky mahogany hair.

"So listen, I have some kind of interesting gossip that I'm not too sure what to make of…" Pippa said crossing her legs underneath her. We all leaned forward slightly in anticipation. "I was talking to my sister Elsa a little while ago and she told me something kind of intriguing…" Elsa Birch was a third year Gryffindor and the spitting image of Pippa, only shorter. Pippa was pretty close with her sister, but rarely was seen in public with her. However, she got all her gossip concerning third years and below from Elsa.

We all stared at Pippa, waiting for her to continue, as she absently twirled a blond curl around her finger. When it was obvious that she had no intention of continuing without encouragement, Emilie burst out, "Pippa! Spit it out, we're dying here!"

Pippa gave us a coy smile and continued. "She was talking about some kind of book she used to have in muggle school. I think she called it a 'slam book' or something. Anyways, the point of it was that they would write all kinds of stuff about the things they heard about the people at school. She mentioned that they might try doing something like that here…"

"I thought those were prohibited in muggle schools. Wouldn't she get in trouble here?" I interrupted, distracted by my innate Prefect tendencies.

"I wasn't finished yet, Miss Impatient," Pippa said, sighing. "I was thinking, what if _we_ did something like that? I mean, not exactly a 'slam book'. But something along those lines."

We were all silent and we each ran through this in our heads.

"What did you have in mind?" Marley asked curiously. We all turned to stare at her, surprised. She wasn't normally the biggest gossip, but she couldn't resist something as intriguing as this.

"I mean, how else to get the best gossip than from the students themselves? I've heard of something like this before. It's like a secret confessional where people send secrets anonymously and they're posted somewhere for people to read. But no one knows whose secrets they are obviously."

"I doubt Dumbledore would allow anything like that…" Marley shook her head logically and I had to agree.

"Of course he wouldn't," Pippa said rolling her eyes. "That's why it would be completely secret. I mean, just the students would know about it. Obviously we couldn't post them anywhere public…"

"You're making this pretty difficult, Pippa," I laughed. I had to admit though, I was still interested.

She held up a hand to me. "Hear me out. What if we took the idea of a _book_ where everyone could write they're secrets in it, enchanting it so that all of their handwriting looked the same. Like I said, completely anonymous. I mean, come on, this school seriously needs an outlet like this…Plus, we need new gossip."

"Ok, I hate to burst your bubble, but let's look at this logically," I said ignoring the glare I got from Pippa. "First of all, where would this book be? It would have to be somewhere the students could access it but the teachers wouldn't ever find. Second, what if someone saw someone else writing a secret. Not exactly anonymous…."

"Well, I thought of that, too," Pippa said triumphantly. "What if instead of just one book, there were a bunch of books, one for each student, that were bound to every other book to display whenever someone wrote something new in it. That way, everyone would have their own and could write in it if they wanted or not and would never be caught. It's foolproof." She smiled at her own brilliance.

Marley scratched her ear, looking obviously skeptical of the whole idea. "This seems like a lot of trouble for some mindless gossip…" She said.

"So what? Think about it. Don't you have secrets that you're burning to tell someone but you can't? This is the perfect way to do it. No one would know that it's you as long as you're smart about it. It's the perfect outlet. We're not meant to keep so many secrets," Pippa smiled mischievously.

I shook my head and laughed a little. "Pip, someone could get really hurt by this. And I agree with Marley. This seems like a lot of work for stupid gossip."

"Lily, please. This is beyond brilliant. The Marauders can't compete with this one." Pippa gave me a lopsided smile, her eyes sparkling.

"Fine. Do what you want, but don't expect me to help you with any of this…" I said shrugging.

"But Lils, you're the only one who can actually _do_ the right charms. Do you know how complicated those are? What if I mess up? Then it will all be for nothing. Please think about it?" Pippa tugged on my pajama pants, giving me puppy dog eyes. "Please?"

"I'll think about it…" I said, trying not to feel flattered that I was the only one that could actually do the necessary charms. "But you realize you're going to have to get like, three hundred books for this. That's not going to be cheap."

"Please, my dad works for Flourish and Blotts. I've totally got an in," Pippa said. She knew that I would give in eventually. She leaned back against the bedpost with a satisfied smile, waiting for me to cave.

"And you're planning on doing all of this when? Exams are in a week. Plus…three hundred books? That's a lot, Pip." Emilie piped in. Thank Merlin there was at least one other people who thought this was as crazy as I did.

"Obviously I'm not going to do it this year," Pippa sighed in frustration. "We could on it this summer and have everything set for next year. Besides, I've got nothing better to do this summer, have you? Come on, wouldn't it be interesting to hear what everyone else at Hogwarts has to say?"

As much as I hated to admit it, she had a point. I couldn't help but be a little, tiny, teensy, bit curious as to what kinds of things people would write, knowing it was anonymous.

"Ha!" Pippa scoffed, seeing our agreement. "See? Am I brilliant or what?"

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Plot developments abound! Hope you liked it! I'd love some feedback so leave a review :)_


	4. Chapter 4 - The Effects of Firewhiskey

Chapter 4 - The Effects of Firewhiskey

After we had exhausted all of gossip we had heard that week we lapsed into an easy silence. Emilie yawned and threatened to fall backwards off Marley's bed.

"I'm going to sleep… I'm exhausted," she said with her mouth still half open in a yawn. She crawled off the bed and into her own and was asleep almost instantly. The rest of the Clique followed shortly after and I was the only one left awake. I was feeling restless and despite the fact that it was nearing midnight, I crept downstairs into the common room and curled up in an armchair next to the fire with a book on Advanced Transfiguration.

I was just getting into a particularly excellent chapter on Disillusionment Charms when I heard a muffled crash from the boy's dormitory and quick footsteps coming down the stairs accompanied by shouts of laughter.

Oh Merlin. What now?

Sirius and Remus tumbled into sight and stopped abruptly when they saw me by the fire. I eyed them warily, wondering what they were up to so late…

… And then I remembered what Potter had said about firewhiskey earlier.

"_Lily…_" Sirius whispered with his eyes wide open. He dropped to the floor and crawled towards me on his elbows while Remus leaned against the wall, silently laughing.

Sirius's head popped up behind the couch and I stifled a laugh at the sight of his shaggy black hair and deep-set silver eyes peering over the top of the couch.

"What are—" I began but Sirius quickly cut me off by placing a finger against my lips.

"Shhh," he whispered, his silvery eyes growing wide. He doubled over with silent laughter again and looked back at Remus quickly only to see that he had slid down the wall and was now on the floor, half sleeping, and half laughing.

"We put whipped cream on Peter's hand… tickled his face with a feather. Old muggle trick Prongs taught us first year…never gets old," He said in between bouts of laughter. I didn't even bother to ask what a 'Prongs' was.

"_Splat!"_ Remus giggled clapping his hands together as he slid down the wall to the floor.

I smelled the strong scent of firewhiskey emanating from Sirius and leaned away slightly, wrinkling my nose.

"So where's Potter?" I asked, suddenly aware of his absence.

"Off with that fifth year chick he was talking to at dinner, lucky bloke," Sirius said with a gleam in his silver eyes.

"Huh," I said, looking back down to my book.

"I thought you were hanging out with _Chris_ tonight," Sirius slurred, putting a not so subtle negative emphasis on his name.

I raised my eyes from the book and glared into the dying fire in front of me. "You know he...he had other plans, Sirius. You were right there when he explained."

"Oh yeah…" Sirius said coming around the cough to sit next to me.

"We're hanging out tomorrow instead," I said confidently even though I had my own doubts as to whether we actually would or not.

"Are you really…" Sirius said thoughtfully.

"Are you implying something?" I asked, looking at him sharply.

"Not at all, my dear."

"I think you were…"

"I'm just—" He began but quickly put his hand over his mouth as he hiccoughed.

"You just what?" I said crossing my arms and glaring at him. I knew what he was going to say. He'd told me a hundred times.

"You can do so – _hic _– much better," he said looking at me intently. "You deserve someone – _hic_ – who won't –_ hic_ – blow you off every night."

I clenched my jaw. "I know."

"So why are you with him?"

"I love him," I said simply.

"Sure you do," he said sarcastically.

"Enough, Sirius," I said getting up to leave.

"Lily, wait," He said pulling my arm so that I sank back into the chair. There was almost a kind of plea in his eyes. If he weren't so drunk I'd have thought he was being sincere. "You deserve better, you know you do. You're heard a hundred times from me what I think about that. I think the world of you Lily. You know that, right? You're one of the smartest, prettiest, nicest girls I've ever met. It's not right that you're with someone like Chris."

"And I suppose you think I should be with _Potter_ instead," I spat at him. This was annoying. I'd heard this enough for one day.

"Let me finish," he said seriously. "I'm not here to try to convince you that Prongsie is the one for you."—So _that's _who Prongs is…. What the hell kind of nickname is that?—"And I'm not trying to butter you up. But you know as well as I that James would never blow you off. And honestly… Penley's not as great of a guy as you think he is. James and I talk about it all the time how he—"

"So you just sit around talking about me, is that it?" I interrupted angrily, my fiery temper getting the best of me. Stupid Sirius, sitting there, with his hair and stupid perfect chiseled jaw telling me—

"Lily, you've got to understand. We _know_ you, and we only want what's best for—"

"Save it, Sirius. I can decide for myself what's best," I said getting up. "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk about me behind my back, Black." I turned to go up to the girls' dorm as the portrait hole opened and Potter himself walked in. He looked surprised to see me and quickly put on a charming smile.

"Nice PJ's, Evans," He smirked, looking me up and down.

"Shove off, Potter," I spat and stepped over a sleeping Remus to get to my dorm.

"What's wrong with her?" I heard Potter ask Sirius as I ran up the stairs.

"Bloody females…" Sirius slurred before falling into a deep drunken sleep.

I awoke early the next morning despite my late bedtime, still slightly angry from my conversation with Sirius the night before. I didn't have to be at breakfast for a few hours still and the sun was barely visible over the mountains. I quickly changed into my uniform, grabbed a cloak and my bag and left the common room. I always loved this time of day, when it was still early enough that no one would be up and you had the castle to yourself. I loved the way the foggy sunlight streamed through the castle windows and the sounds of birds carried in from the forest. I made my way down to the ground floor and outside to the lake. I sat down on a rock by the edge of the water and watched the sun peak over the mountains, sending rays of light across the grounds.

I breathed in deeply. The cool air felt good and it look as though the rainy weather was finally gone. Despite the chilly air, I slipped my shoes and socks off. The grass felt cool beneath my feet and I slowly inched my bare foot towards the edge of the water.

"Lily?"

I jumped, almost toppling headlong into the lake and spun around to see Potter staring at me strangely.

"Merlin Potter, you nearly gave me a heart attack," I said coldly turning away from him.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I didn't think anyone would be up this early."

I didn't say anything. Stupid Potter. It's not even eight in the morning and he's ruined my day.

"What are you doing out here anyways?" he asked moving to stand next to me. I moved away from him slightly out of habit.

"Couldn't sleep," I said stiffly. I was still remembering what Sirius had said last night about them talking about me.

Potter remained silent and looked up at the trees where the sun was quickly rising. I glanced over at him and saw that he had a strange expression on his face. It was almost sad. I felt bad for a moment before I remembered that it was _Potter_ and I should never ever feel sad for him.

"What are _you_ doing out here, Potter?" I said, my voice softening slightly against my will.

"Same. I couldn't sleep. Pete freaked out when he woke up and found whipped cream all over him. Now it's all over our room. Remus didn't even make it to his bed. Last I saw, he was asleep on the floor next to Sirius's bed, who was snoring incredibly loudly."

I almost laughed out loud but caught myself. _I'm mad_, I reminded myself, _remember?_ I sighed. I never could stay mad at anyone for too long, though, even if it _was_ Potter. One of my weaknesses. I always felt bad if I was too cold to someone, like I was now.

Potter fell silent after that. When he didn't say anything else for a full two minutes I sighed and broke down. "Is everything ok? You seem…sad."

He looked over at me quickly with a surprised and almost hopeful expression on his face. I'd never taken any interest in him before. Our recent friendship had been purely superficial.

"Don't get me wrong, I could care less," I said before he could say anything and I saw his face drop. "You're just usually Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky."

"Yeah, well I guess I'm not feeling too happy or lucky lately," he said quietly, stuffing his hands into his pockets and looking down at our feet. "You're not wearing any shoes," he commented suddenly, a smile pulling up the corners of his mouth.

I looked down, having forgotten that I had taken my shoes and socks off. I wiggled my toes, which Pippa had painted dark purple last night. The grass underneath tickled them and I smiled.

"You're a strange bird, Lily Evans," Potter muttered, shaking his head.

"Yes," I agreed, not knowing what else to say.

He was silent again, still looking at our feet. I looked up towards the mountains where the sun was quickly rising and sighed. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"You being weird?" Potter asked, looking up at me.

"No," I rolled my eyes. "Whatever it is that's bothering you. You're not so hard to read, Potter."

"No, I don't really want to talk about it." He said.

I crossed my arms and my eyebrows pulled together in frustration. Was I really going to do this? Sometimes it's such a bother to be a nice person.

"You know, Potter," I started and he looked up at me curiously. I think he was surprised that I'd gone this long without biting his head off. "The Marauders are great and all, but they're not always exactly… sensitive when it comes to talking about serious things." Potter narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out where I was going with this. "I guess what I'm saying is that…" I took a deep breath. "If you ever feel like talking or something, I guess it wouldn't kill me to listen."

Potter continued to stare at me and then the corners of his mouth turned up in a lopsided smile. "That was hard for you to say, wasn't it?"

I sniffed and looked away. "Quite."

Potter laughed quietly to himself. "Well, thanks Evans. But this is probably something you wouldn't understand. I'll take you up on your offer some other time, though."

I was silent for a few minutes, watching the sunrise and the grounds slowly becoming fully illuminated.

"Aren't your feet cold?" Potter asked and I looked over to see that he was staring at my feet again. I looked down, too.

"Yes. Very," I said as I snatched my socks and shoes off the rock and slipped them back on.

"I know I'm pressing my luck here, but do you want to maybe go inside and have some breakfast with me? I wouldn't think of it as a date, I promise, unless of course you _wanted_ me to then I'd be _more_ than happy…" Potter said giving me a hopeful look.

I shot him an angry look and then recomposed myself. "Not a date, Potter… but, I guess it wouldn't _kill_ me to have breakfast with you, either…" And I set off walking towards the castle, leaving a stunned Potter behind me.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry it took me a week to get the next chapter up! Work got crazy (aka I have 3 jobs and only time enough for 2 realistically) but you'll be happy to know that I have the ENTIRE story written so it'll never be too long between updates! Hope you liked this chapter!_

_Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed! I'd love some more feedback so keep it coming :) _


	5. Chapter 5 - Temporary

Chapter 5 - Temporary

Potter's stunned reaction to my acceptance was nothing compared to the reception we got when our friends walked into the Great Hall not too much later to see the two of us sitting together (and willingly) and carrying on a conversation, however meaningless.

The Clique's reaction was to accuse Potter of somehow bewitching me with a potion or a spell, which he vehemently denied. I was very willing to go along with this assumption because I was honestly still somewhat at a loss as to why I was here.

The Marauder's reaction however, was to congratulate Potter on finally getting a date with me, which I vehemently denied. Potter was more than happy to go along with that assumption.

The temporary peace between us being broken by our friends, breakfast ended in the usual way of me "accidentally" dropping my plate of eggs on Potter's head before storming out of the Great Hall with my friends behind me.

The Clique was still fluttering about the rare peace between Potter and I when a hand flew out of nowhere and grabbed my arm, pulling me to the side of the corridor. The warm scent of cinnamon and vanilla filled the air around me as Chris pulled me into a tight embrace. I saw Pippa giggle as she pulled Marley and Emilie into the Charms classroom behind her. I would have to remember to thank her for that later.

"Hi," Chris breathed in my ear, and I felt my stomach flip. I loved it when he did that. He pulled my face to his with a passionate kiss and I reached up to put my arms around his neck.

"That's disgusting," I heard a voice behind me say.

"I think I'm going to be sick…" another one said.

"Seriously. I just ate," said a third.

I unhooked my arms from around Chris's neck and whirled around to see the Marauders walking past with revolted looks on each of their faces. Sirius stuck his tongue out at me and Remus winked, but Potter still had a disgusted look on his face and Peter was shaking his head seriously at us.

Chris just shook his head and turned my face back to his. "So what are we doing tonight?"

"I dunno," I said biting my lip. "Any ideas? Exams are just next week and I didn't study at all last night…well, that's not true. I did. But I really should study some more. We could study together in the library?"

Chris laughed and shook his head. "Studying? You're already too smart for your own good. Why don't we go for a walk around the grounds. It's supposed to get warm today, and I thought we could talk and catch up."

I smiled, trying to fight the urge to push the studying idea some more. "I'd like that."

"Well then, I'll see you at dinner," He whispered as he kissed my nose, then my lips and nudged me through the door into Charms.

I stumbled half-dazed to my seat next to Pippa who was trying without success to not laugh at me.

"Good talk with Chris?" She snickered as I sat down clumsily in my chair. Remus, who was sitting on my other side just shook his head and chuckled to himself. Potter and Sirius took their seats in front of us, the former dropping his books on the table a little rougher than usual.

"Uh huh, Chris is good," I muttered twirling my quill around in my fingers.

"So what are you guys doing tonight?" Pippa asked leaning her elbows on the table and propping her head in her hands. I watched as Sirius and Potter straightened up a bit in their chairs. Listening again, of course. Nosy gits.

"Um," I lowered my voice slightly and turned to face Pippa more. "He mentioned taking a walk around the castle and talking. Nothing much. I mean, exams are next week so I really do need to study a little tonight."

Pippa picked her head up out of her hands and a strange expression crossed her face. "What are you guys gonna talk about?"

I narrowed my eyes at her, confused. "I don't know. Pip, is something wrong?" She wasn't looking at me anymore. She was staring resolutely at the blank piece of parchment on her desk.

"Lily, exams are next week."

I was still confused. What did this have to do with Chris? "Yes, I know that."

"So that means the year is almost over and we'll go off on summer holiday."

"Yes, I know that too, Pip. What are you getting at?"

"Look, Lily," Pippa lifted her hazel eyes to meet mine and she bit her lip. "I didn't want to say anything last night at girl-talk about this, but there have been a lot of people breaking up because of summer holidays and all. I mean, it's two months without seeing each other. And I don't want you to over-think this because I _could _be wrong, but if that's what Chris wants to talk to you about… I just don't want you to be taken completely by surprise, that's all."

I didn't respond. I hadn't even thought of that. It had seemed so natural that we would stay together that I hadn't given it any thought at all. I was such an idiot. How could I not have seen this coming? My stomach twisted into knots at the thought of us breaking up.

But he hadn't acted like he was going to break up with me just a few minutes ago, right? He had kissed me and teased me. But still, Pippa could be right.

Oh great, panic-out mode was setting it.

"Pippa," I stuttered, finding it hard to form coherent words. "If he's going to break up with me, then not going on this walk won't stop him. You know that. If that's what's going to happen, I'd rather get it over with now, I guess."

"Lily, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you—"

Professor Flitwick scurried into the room cutting Pippa off, and it took every ounce of self-control I had to pay attention to my lessons for the rest of the day.

"Lily, you really should eat something," Marley nudged a plate of sausages at me.

"I'm not hungry," I muttered crossing my arms over my stomach. The twisted knots hadn't gone away; they had actually gotten worse throughout the day.

"Please, Lily," Emilie said softly. "There's a good chance Chris isn't going to break up with you at all. We may be blowing this thing way out of context. And you'll feel better if you eat something."

"Really, Em. I'm not hungry," I said again. Food was a bad idea. I was pretty sure that if I ate anything right now it would just come right back up. I wanted to get this over with.

Suddenly everything in front of me went black. I felt warm hands press themselves against my eyes and the intoxicating smell of cinnamon and vanilla overwhelmed me.

"Hey," Chris breathed in my ear sending shivers down my spine.

I turned in my seat and tried to give him a convincing smile. I quickly said goodbye to the Clique and as I turned to leave with Chris, I caught a glimpse of the Marauders a few seats down the table. It was obvious they had been watching and Potter quickly looked away. Sirius met my eyes and gave me a small smile and I saw Remus whisper something in his ear, though I couldn't hear it. Why did I feel like I was about to be executed?

Chris and I walked silently out of the Great Hall and down the steps leading to the grounds. He had his fingers lightly twisted in mine. We were outside before he said anything.

"How was your day?" He asked casually, glancing down at me. He was a bit taller than me.

"Fine," I lied, hoping he couldn't hear the panic in my voice.

"Lily, is everything ok? You seem really distracted tonight," Chris said softly turning towards me and pushing a few stray hairs out of my face with his hand. His brown eyes looked concerned as he gazed down at me and I had to look away.

"Chris, can we sit down for a minute?" I said turning away from him and walking towards some large rocks at the edge of the lake. I perched myself on top of one and he sat himself on the one next to me, facing each other. He continued to stare at me with a confused and wary expression on his face.

"Ok," I breathed. I looked straight into his chocolate brown eyes. "I know a lot of people are breaking up because of the summer holiday and we've had a good eight months so please, Chris, if you're going to break up with me, can you just do it already? The wait is killing me." I said in a rush, my bottom lip trembling on the last sentence and I quickly bit down on it when I was finished so I wouldn't start crying.

Without a word, Chris was suddenly on my rock sitting next to me with his arms around me. "What are you talking about Lily? I wasn't going to break up with you."

"You weren't?" I stuttered. My heart fluttered lightly at this new beam of hope. He wasn't going to break up with me?

He turned my face towards his and combed the hair away from my face, looking straight into my eyes. "Of course not! Lily Evans, you are so odd. How many times have I told you I love you? How could I even think of breaking up with you?"

I stared back at him feeling like an idiot for the second time today. I had been so willing to believe he was going to break up with me. I was so ready to believe it. So willing to believe it in fact, that I completely missed that he hadn't at all like he was going to break up with me.

Ugh, I really need to stop listening to Pippa.

"But summer is two whole months apart, Chris. That's such a long time," I said shaking my head.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," Chris said, his hands leaving my face and entwining them in my own. "I was going to ask you if you wanted to come visit me for a week or two this summer."

I sat there with my mouth half open, unable to speak. This conversation was not going at all as I expected. I quickly gathered myself together and said, "of course, Chris. I'd love to."

He pulled me into his arms then, and we sat like that until the sun went down.

I woke up early again the next morning feeling restless. Why was I restless? I had figured things out with Chris and exams weren't until next week. I should be studying more, I guess. But that was no reason to wake up at—I looked at the clock next to my bed—six in the morning?

I groaned to myself and slid out of bed. I quickly pulled on my uniform, trying to be quiet so I didn't wake Emilie, Marley, or Pippa.

The common room was deserted when I descended the stairs but I felt like being outside so, like yesterday, I took a seat on a rock by the lake and slipped off my shoes and socks. I dipped one foot in the cool water and then the other. Not wanting my robe to get wet, I yanked it off and threw it in a ball onto the grass. I slipped off the rock carefully so I was wading in the water just below my knees. I couldn't go in farther without getting my skirt wet so I had to content myself with this.

"Couldn't sleep again, Evans?"

I spun around, stubbing my foot on a rock in the water and almost falling.

"Potter, you've got to stop scaring me like that," I growled and I quickly stepped out of the water and onto the grass.

"Sorry," he grinned sheepishly, ruffling his untidy black hair. "Couldn't sleep again?"

"Yeah," I admitted as I took in his appearance. He looked happier today, almost like he was excited about something. "You seem better, today."

"Do I?" He asked absently. His grin disappeared suddenly and he turned to me. "How did your thing with Chris go last night? I mean, not that we were eavesdropping or anything…we just kind of overheard," He hastily explained.

"Oh," I said taken by surprise. This was the last thing I expected to be talking about with Potter. "Well, it went fine. Turns out he didn't want to break up at all."

"What?" Potter hissed turning sharply toward me. "You guys didn't break up?"

"Um, no," I sputtered, confused by his reaction.

Potter cursed and kicked a rock near his foot. It skidded across the water a few times and finally sank beneath the surface. My temper flared in response to his hostility.

"For God's sake Potter, I know you're jealous of Chris but—"

"Jealous?" Potter took a step toward me, his voice thick with anger. "Of course I'm jealous. Who wouldn't be jealous of Penley? I'm jealous of anyone you don't hate, like you do me."

"I don't hate you, Potter," I said quietly.

"But you don't like me either," he spat. It wasn't a question.

"Well you make it damn near impossible to like you!" I spat angrily at him. "Every time I think maybe you've got a shred of decency in you, you turn around an act like a jealous git who has a compulsive need to ask my out every other minute."

"Is that all?" he sneered at me. "My asking you out is why you hate me?"

"Of course that's not all," I growled.

"Enlighten me," Potter demanded, crossing his arms and staring icily at me.

"You want to know why I don't like you?" I asked and he confirmed with a nod of his head. "Because you're arrogant and selfish and for some reason you can't get it through your thick head that I don't want to go out with you and never will. Besides, how can I possibly like someone who has never even shown the slightest interest in being just friends with me? You're too busy asking me out all the time and shagging other girls. Do you even really know me? I don't think we've ever had a real conversation, sparing yesterday morning, without Sirius or Remus there to act as a buffer between us," I said angrily. "And despite the fact that I'm with Chris and we're happy, you've actually managed to become even more of an immature ass around me like you're trying to impress me or something. Can't you just leave well enough alone?" I ended, kicking my bare foot at the water sending an arch spraying away from me. The cold water stung my foot and I quickly stepped back from the lake. Potter looked momentarily stunned at my outburst but regained himself quickly.

"Maybe my asking you out is my attempt to get to know you. Ever think of that, Miss High-and-Mighty?" Potter responded, and I was surprised at the venom in his voice. "Ever think the reason I've never attempted to be friends with you is because you're too stuck in your ways to even consider giving me a chance? And as for Penley—"

"Don't you dare say a word about Chris," I growled. "Sirius told me how you love to talk about me and him, so don't even start."

"You don't get it, Evans. He's not right for you. Even if I didn't like you, I would say that. One of these days you're going to realize how wrong he is for you and feel like a complete idiot because everyone else knew it first," Potter hissed, his hazel eyes flashing dangerously.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about, Potter. You think you know what's right for me when you don't even know me."

"Can't you see I'm trying? I'm not the same person I was a few years ago. I'm not just fooling around here, Lily," He said taking another step towards me.

"Why should I trust you when you sit around talking about me with your friends?" I asked incredulously.

"That's not even true!" Potter burst angrily, startling me. I took a quick step back out of reflex but my bare foot caught on a stone and I lost my balance. I took another step back in an attempt to regain my balance but my foot slipped on the wet grass, sending me backwards into the lake. I let out a small yelp as I felt the cold sting of the lake water surround me. I landed on my bottom in a luckily shallow part of the lake with the water coming to the middle of my waist sitting down.

I sputtered and brushed my wet hair out of my eyes to see Potter looking horrified at what just happened. He quickly moved forward and held out a hand to help me up but I ignored it and pushed myself up, making sure my skirt was laying flat.

"Lily, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, it's just—"

"Save it," I spat, reaching for my shoes but Potter was closer and he grabbed them first.

"You're cute when you're wet," He said smiling suddenly.

I gave him my best death stare and attempted to grab my shoes but he held them away from me.

"Lily, I am sorry," he said, his smile growing wider. "But, um, you should know that, well, you're wearing a white shirt and, um, it's a little see-through…"

"Stay the hell away from me, Potter," I barked at him, snatching my shoes and stalking towards the castle.

I hurried through the still empty corridors, hoping I wouldn't come across anyone in this state. I was completely soaked. My hair hung in limp, wet, strands down my back and my clothes clung uncomfortably to my body. Everyone in my room was still asleep, luckily, and I hung my wet clothes on the curtain rod around my bed. I quickly changed and was just putting on a dry pair of socks when Emilie woke up.

"Lily?" She asked groggily, rubbing her eyes. "Why are you up already? And why are there wet clothes hanging from your bed?"

* * *

_A/N: Sorry it took me a while to get this up! Turns out, having multiple jobs is exhausting. Who knew? Anyways, hope you liked the new chapter! Hopefully I'll have another up by this weekend! _

_R & R And I'll love you forever! _


	6. Chapter 6 - Good Talk, Remus

Chapter 6 - Good Talk, Remus

The rest of the week went by in a flash and before I knew it, it was exams week. I had spent the majority of the weekend in the library cramming as much knowledge into my poor head as would fit. Now that my worries about Chris were over, I could concentrate more easily on what lay ahead of me. The Clique had been ecstatic when I told them what happened with Chris.

The Maraduers, however, had the same reaction as Potter. Sirius was clearly disappointed at the way things had turned out. He didn't say anything about it to me, but it was obvious. Remus had very kindly told me that whatever made me happy made him happy as well. I hadn't spoken to Potter since the morning by the lake and I vehemently refused to be anywhere in his vicinity. Even if I hadn't been staying away from Potter, he seemed to be keeping his distance along with Sirius. I was more upset about the latter because even when I caught him without Potter, he would make any excuse and hurry away.

I was sitting in the library late Sunday evening studying for our Charms exam the next day. It was well after midnight and Madam Pince was about ready to kick me out. I had been in there for a good fourteen hours already and no one had been successful in getting me out, not even Chris. I was mentally kicking myself for all the time I had wasted on stupid things last week like girl-talk and Chris time. I should have been studying.

I was unaware that someone had been standing next to me for a full five minutes before Remus cleared his throat, making me jump nearly out of my seat.

"I'm so sorry, Remus," I muttered frantically gathering the papers I had just sent flying everywhere. "I didn't even see you there."

Remus grabbed my hands to halt me. "Lily, you need to get out of here. The rest of the castle is already asleep and I've been sent to rescue you."

"Rescue me?" I asked absently as I struggled to become free from his grip.

"Not really. I was on patrol and I was told that there was someone left in the library so I came to investigate. And here you are…"

"Remus, I need my hands to pack up my things. I'm going to bed, I swear." I said. He freed my hands and I quickly shoved everything in my bag, not even caring that papers were getting crumpled.

"Lily, you shouldn't push yourself so hard," Remus said when we were outside the library. He had volunteered to walk me back to the Gryffindor tower and, afraid that I would collapse out of exhaustion before I reached there, I agreed.

"Don't worry about me, Remus. I just wasted too much time last week that I should have been studying," I said as I yawned.

Remus laughed quietly and then stopped abruptly. I walked for a few steps before I noticed he had stopped moving.

"What's wrong?" I asked, looking up and down the corridor.

"Shhh," He said waving a hand and me, signaling that I should stand next to him. "Do you hear that?"

I listened for a minute before I heard a faint scuffling coming from the broom closet next to us.

"Ew, Remus I don't want to see what's in there," I said wrinkling my nose. The last thing I wanted to deal with was a couple of students snogging each other's brains out in a closet.

"Lily, we're Prefects. We've got to do our job…" Remus said as he knocked on the door to the closet, giving its occupants and bit of warning. The scuffling stopped and the door opened a tiny bit.

"Bloody hell," a boy's voice said and the door opened all the way revealing a tousle-haired Potter and a thin blond sixth year Hufflepuff girl that I recognized as Holly Perth. "Sorry, Moony. I didn't realize you would be on patrol tonight. We'll just be on our way then…"

Potter grabbed the blond girl's hand and pulled her out of the closet behind him. He noticed me standing next to Remus and paused momentarily, almost unsure of what to say or do. This was the closest we'd come to each other since our fight.

He looked me up and down and I realized what I mess I must look like. The ratty jeans I was wearing had holes all over them and my oversize blue sweater was practically hanging off my shoulder. My hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail I must have had dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep all weekend. One of the corners of his mouth twitched in a smile as he took in my disheveled appearance.

"Evans," He nodded in acknowledgement and was then quickly pulled away by an embarrassed Holly Perth. I rolled my eyes at his retreating back and turned towards Remus who had an amused expression on his face.

"Let's get back to the common room," Remus suggested as he closed the door to the broom closet.

"And you just let him get away with this stuff?" I slurred. I was dangerously close to falling over and going to sleep right there in the corridor.

"If it were Pippa in that closet, wouldn't you let her go too?" Remus accused, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I suppose," I said stiffly. Of course I would let her go, no questions asked. I would make fun of her later for it, but I would never intentionally get her in trouble.

"You don't like James very much do you?" Remus asked casually as we continued walking to the common room.

"Oh come on Remus, I don't want to talk about Potter and I right now," I said, stumbling slightly when we started to ascend the grand staircase.

"Lily, I said nothing about _you_ and James. I'm just curious as to _why_ you seem to have such a problem with him as a person," Remus explained.

"Its not that I don't like him. Well, I don't hate him as much as I used to," I was beginning to find it difficult to form coherent sentences. "Potter's fine sometimes, and then the next he'll be an arrogant prat trying to ask me out, _even though_ I have a boyfriend. What does he expect me to say?"

Remus said nothing to that as we reached the top of the staircase. I couldn't tell if he had an answer to that or not so I decided to change the subject.

"Is Sirius mad at me?"

"What?" Remus stopped, obviously taken aback by my question.

"Sirius. He hasn't really talked to me since last week. I mean, it's not like he's my best friend or anything," I tried to laugh casually but it came out as more of a strangled yelp. I think I _was_ starting to think of him as a best friend. Weird. "But it's just a bit unusual for us to go so long without talking."

Remus didn't respond again but said the password and helped me through the portrait hole. Thinking he wasn't going to answer at all, I began to walk towards the girls' dorm when Remus pulled me back.

"Lily, sit down for a minute." Remus said moving us over to the couch in front of the fire. I obeyed him, nearly falling as I stumbled over the edge of the rug under the couch. Remus sat down next to me and stared into the fire. I shifted my gaze away from his brooding face and stared into the dying embers also.

"Sirius and James… well, they're like you and Pippa," he began and I was lost at once. "What I mean is, what hurts one of them, hurts the other too." I nodded in comprehension, though I was still at a loss as to where this conversation was going. All I could think about was my bed a few floors up…

"I know you've heard this a hundred times before but you've got to understand that we all know better than anyone how James feels about you. He's not fooling around, Lily. And you know we all love you and want you to be happy as well, but…"

I chewed on my bottom lip and continued to stare into the fire. I was too tired to argue with him right now.

"When we heard you and Pippa talking about how you and Chris might break up, we couldn't help but be a little hopeful. James was hoping that once you were free of him, you might finally give him a chance… And when you told us you were staying together, well, James took it a bit harder than the rest of us. Don't get me wrong, we're glad you're happy. But Lily, Chris isn't right for you. You've got to realize that… even if you don't want to admit it out loud, deep down you know that when you're with him something feels off, something's missing. I'm not saying that James has what Chris is missing, but he's waited for you for so long and he only has one more year to wait for you…"

My head was swimming. This was too much to take in and I was too tired. If I didn't know any better I would say this was a dream. How many times had I heard that Potter has feelings for me? And why was I actually starting to believe it when Remus told me as opposed to Sirius and Potter himself?

"But Remus… tonight, in the broom cupboard. How am I supposed to believe that James likes me when every time I turn around he's with another girl," I said groggily. I wouldn't be able to last much longer.

"Lily, I'm not saying I approve of what he does while he's waiting for you," Remus shook his head. He was frustrated, but I couldn't tell if it was with me or Potter. "But I _am_ saying that he's waiting for you."

I didn't say anything to that. I didn't know _what _to say. So I slowly stood up and walked up the stairs to the girls dorm leaving Remus on the couch. I didn't even bother changing before crawling onto my bed and falling asleep without giving a second thought to anything Remus just told me.

I woke up the next morning, confused at first as to why I was wearing jeans in bed. I sat up and looked around me. Marley and Pippa's beds were empty. Emilie was standing in front of the full length mirror tugging at her skirt so that it was hanging straight. She looked over at me when she heard me move.

"Good morning, sleepy-head," She said laughing as she bounced over to my bed. "What time did you get in last night? We were worried you had fallen asleep in the library."

"I think it was around two. Where is everyone?" I asked as I quickly changed into my uniform and threw my hair into a sloppy ponytail.

"Pip and Marley are downstairs waiting for us. I was going to wake you before I went down. We still have a few hours before Charms," She said in her light, airy voice. "Do you want to have breakfast with us?"

"Yeah," I said, pulling on my shoes. "Emilie, can I ask you something?"

She got up off my bed and moved next to me in front of the mirror as I pulled some loose threads off my skirt. "Anything, Lil."

I stared at myself in the mirror for a minute. "Do you think Chris is right for me?"

"Oh," she said, taken aback. She took a few steps back and picked up her bag as she headed toward the door. "You know we all think Chris is great."

"That's not what I asked, Em." I said picking up my own bag and following her out the door. Emilie was stopped at the top of the stairs, tugging on a piece of her golden-brown hair.

"We like Chris. But no one will _ever_ be good enough for you, Lily," Emilie said tenderly. I started down the stairs but she stuck out her hand. "What's this all about?"

I thought for a minute. "I don't know. Just something Remus said last night. It's nothing, really."

Emilie shrugged and followed me down the stairs.

Breakfast was stressful, to say the least. The tables were covered with books and notes and students frantically trying to do some last minute studying. All of us were too nervous to eat so we resorted to firing off questions at each other and muttering incantations under our breath, occasionally making one of us burst into laughter as a result of a cheering charm or the sugar bowl combust into flames spraying molten sugar at all those near it.

Chris stopped by the table briefly to give me a good luck kiss and I couldn't help but notice that the Marauders suddenly concentrated very hard on perfecting the proper wand technique for the Impervius Charm.

I was trying hard not to think about what Remus told me the night before. And failing. Why did it matter if Potter liked me? I didn't like _him_. I wanted to talk to the Clique about this but they would probably think I _liked_ Potter if I told them. I just couldn't get what Remus said about Chris not being right for me out of my head. Was he right? I'd never really thought much about where my relationship with Chris would go. Maybe that was a sign right there…

I finished with the written part of the Charms exam very early and after double-checking every answer, I put my quill down and waited for the time to run out. Pippa was furiously writing away in the desk next to me, her tongue stuck out in concentration. Marley had finished early too and had her chin propped in her hands, staring at the ceiling. Her mahogany hair fell in soft waves away from her face and her dark brown eyes reflected the candles on the wall. Emilie, who was sitting on the other side of me was tapping one of her feet anxiously and tugging on a piece of her hair.

My eyes rested on the desk a few rows ahead of me to the left. Potter was hunched over his paper, pausing every so often to read a question then calmly writing the answer. His jet-black was hair untidy and stuck out in odd directions as if he had just woken up. He reached up to adjust his black rim glasses, which were sliding down his perfectly straight nose. He paused to read another question and ran his hand distractedly through his already untidy hair. Of course I'd always thought he was good looking. That had never been a secret. It had just never meant anything to me before. _Not_ that it meant anything now, either.

I shook my head, trying to rid all thoughts of James Potter from my mind. Happily, I let my thoughts settle on Chris and how we would spend those two weeks at his house this summer.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry again for the long wait! Life got crazy blah, blah blah. Anyways, hope you liked this chapter! _

_Some reviews would be lovely and they help motivate me to post future chapters :) Cheers!_


	7. Chapter 7 - Celebrations and Revelations

Chapter 7 - Celebrations and Revelations

With one more exam to go, I was finally beginning to calm down. History of Magic would be easy. It was only a matter of memorizing dates and names. Pippa, unfortunately had not paid attention for ninety percent of the classes we had been to so I had been designated as her personal tutor. Though I gave her a good long lecture about paying attention next year, I actually didn't mind too much as it gave me a chance to review also.

We were in the middle of eating lunch in the Great Hall and reviewing when Sirius dropped into the seat next to me. I noticed Pippa's hazel eyes widen before she quickly absorbed herself in my notes on the particularly boring chapter covering the goblin rebellion of 1612.

"Ladies," He acknowledged before helping himself to the sandwich on my plate.

I snapped my book shut and turned in my seat to face him. "What do you want, Black?"

"Ooh, feisty," He said smiling and he bit off a huge piece of my sandwich. "I wuff wonderin' if you 'ould 'elp me wiff hifftory of maggick."

"Swallow, Black," I demanded, continuing to stare at him with a blank expression. This was the first time he'd talked to me in a week. I watched him, with some amusement, as he tried several times to swallow the sandwich. Finally, he was successful.

"I need help studying," he said.

I pretended to think about it for a minute. Of course I would help him, but it was more fun to make him bed.

"Please, Lily?" he pleaded pushing out his bottom lip. "I'm sorry I've been a bugger to you this last week, but Remus said he explained it to you."

Pippa looked up quickly at me with a questioning look and I shook my head slightly, indicating that I would fill her in later.

"I _am_ sorry, Lily," Sirius pleaded. "I was just upset, that's all. I'm not anymore. Help me?"

"Fine, Sirius," I gave in. "But you owe me…"

"Well, tomorrow after our exams are all finished, we're swiping some more firewhiskey if you ladies care to join us…" Sirius offered, his eyes sliding over to meet Pippa's gaze. She looked at me then, silently begging with her eyes for me to accept.

"Count us in," I sighed. Truth be told, I was glad that Sirius and I were on good terms again.

"Excellent," he said, his gray eyes sparkling with anticipation. "Now help me. I haven't paid attention at all in class for the past nine months…"

Sirius pulled out his book and his notes, and I quickly perused his notes for some indication of just how much tutoring he'd need.

"You spelled 'rebellion wrong, Black," I sighed, reading through his notes. "And you've misspelled Nagnok's name several times as well."

"Spelling's not my best subject," Sirius muttered absently as he flipped through his book.

Pippa visibly scowled. If there was one thing she couldn't tolerate, it was bad spelling.

History of Magic passed quickly and simply enough. Although Pippa and Sirius struggled to retain all the information I threw at them, they seemed to be pleased with how it went afterwards. Marley was practically dancing with excitement down the hall after we got out of the exam and Emilie was making bubbles come out of the end of her wand and blowing them through all the corridors. Her antics weren't appreciated, however, by the students who still had their last exams the next day. The sixth year Gryffindors were free for the summer and the Marauders had already disappeared to store up on firewhiskey for the night and probably pull some last minute pranks on the Slytherins who were still studying.

Emilie and Marley had enthusiastically agreed to partake in the night's festivities when Pippa brought it up. After a quick dinner with Chris, we all headed back to the girls' dormitory to "get ready", whatever that meant. Chris said he was busy studying for his Potions exam the next day so I was free anyways.

I followed my friends back to our room and the air was suddenly full of clothes being tossed across the room at each other along with various makeup tools. I was perched on the end of my bed and amused myself by watching Pippa run her wand over her hair again and again muttering a charm to straighten it out. When it finally lay flat she wandered over to my bed and pulled me off.

"What should I wear? And why aren't you getting ready?" She asked as she pulled a few shirts out of her trunk.

I shrugged and leaned back against the bedpost. It wasn't like I needed to impress anyone so I didn't think I needed to get all dressed up and put on makeup.

"Come on, Lily," Marley danced over to me with an open tube of mascara in her hand. "When do we ever get to party? Or dress up?"

"It's just the Marauders. I'm not trying to impress anyone," I said.

"Who said anything about impressing anyone? Come on, Lils. It's just fun and games. Besides, if we're all dressed up and you're not, you're going to look stupid," Emilie said grabbing my arm and pulling me into a chair in front of the mirror. "I'll do your hair if you want."

I sighed and gave in. Once the Clique got going, it was hard to stop them.

"And you should wear this," Pippa tossed me a bundle of clothes from my trunk. I looked them over and found she had given me a dark pair of jeans a cream colored top that hung off the shoulders.

"And I'll do your makeup," Marley sat in front of me and tilted my face towards the light from her bedside table. "Look up, please."

"I feel like I'm on a bad makeover show or something," I grumbled as Marley applied liberal amounts of mascara to my eyelashes and Emilie wrapped my hair around her wand, forming loose curls.

"Nice try, you're doing my hair next," Emilie laughed.

"And I need something to wear still," Pippa called from the other side of the room.

With the common room still full of students studying for their last exams tomorrow, we had some difficulty figuring out how we were going to get to the boys' dormitory unnoticed. In the middle of our discussion on _how_ we were going to get there, Pippa chucked a stink bomb into the fireplace resulting in a minor explosion and a lot of smoke creating a diversion so we could sneak across the room and up the boys' staircase.

Marley knocked casually on the door, which swung open at once to reveal the Marauders' room. Surprisingly it looked a lot like our own room. Sirius, Remus, and Potter were standing at the far end of the room with their backs to us, discussing something in lowered voices. Peter was the one who had answered the door and was now retreating back to his friends.

Remus turned when he heard us enter and welcomed us to the room, telling us to make ourselves at home. Pippa immediately kicked off her shoes and crawled onto the end of Sirius's bed, sitting cross legged. I followed and sat next to her while Marley and Emily took over Remus's. Sirius came shuffling over with four bottles in his hands, handing each of us one of them.

"Firewhiskey mixed with pumpkin juice. It sounds strange but it actually tastes quite good," He explained and the rest of the Marauders joined us around the beds with their own bottles clutched in their hands.

I eyed Potter warily. The last time we'd been in close contact I'd caught him making out with a Hufflepuff in a closet. I knew I should be mad at him still for the lake incident but I couldn't quite identify what emotions I was feeling at the moment. All I knew was that it wasn't anger.

"Here's to the end of another year," Sirius toasted and we all took a drink. The firewhiskey burned as it when down my throat but the taste was pleasant. Sirius lowered his bottle and took in our appearances. "Damn, you girls clean up good."

I choked on the drink still in my mouth and Pippa laughed, thumping me on my back. Marley blushed a little and Emilie flipped her honey-colored hair behind her shoulder.

"Or course we do," she said. "We're the Clique."

Potter moved into the center of our circle and raised his bottle. "I propose a little game," he said, his hazel eyes flickering over to me. "It's a rare opportunity that both the Marauders _and_ the Clique be present in the same room that's not the Great Hall or a classroom and as groups that are _both_ renowned around Hogwarts, I think it only natural that a little friendly competition ensue."

He paused and looked around at us all. Receiving an encouraging nod from Sirius, he continued. "Have you ladies heard of 'Never-Have-I-Ever'?"

"Of course we have, Potter," I said giving him a coy smile. "Who do you think you're talking to?"

"As I thought," Potter smiled back at me. I looked away quickly, unnerved by his stare. "Well, I'll explain for propriety's sake. Also, I'm pretty sure Peter has no idea what we're talking about…"

We all looked around at Peter, who's drink was foaming and he was trying desperately to get it to stop.

"As I was saying…" Potter continued, chuckling slightly at his friend. "We'll go around the circle and each person must say something that they have never _ever_ done. If anyone in the circle has done said thing, take a drink. If only one person drinks in any given turn, a story or explanation must follow. First group to run out of drinks is the loser and has to chug an entire other drink. Winners will also get another drink to enjoy at their own leisure."

"James, we're going lose. They have Marley" Sirius complained as he sat down on the floor. Pippa and I followed his lead and moved to the floor so that we were leaning against his bed.

"I'm not _that_ much of a goody-goody," Marley argued.

"Yes you are," Pippa, Emilie, and I said all at once. With a small "_humph_" Marley slid to the floor with Emilie.

"Well, you have Peter," Pippa quipped and Peter looked up from his foaming bottle, excited at the unexpected attention.

"Shall we get started then?" Remus suggested sitting down next to Sirius. "Prongs, start?"

"Ok," Potter sat on Sirius's other side and furrowed his brow in concentration. "Never have I ever been on an airplane."

I took a drink, along with Marley, Emilie, and Remus.

"Never have I ever broken a bone," Sirius said staring straight at Potter when he said this. Potter took a drink and Emilie took another one. Potter being the Quidditch captain I could only assume he's been smashed by a bludger at some point or another. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Pippa thought hard for a moment and then smiled. "Never have I ever jumped in the lake. On purpose." She cast a sideways glance at me and reluctantly I took a drink. Unfortunately no one else did.

"Story time!" Potter said happily and every pair of eyes in the circle rested on me.

I sighed. "It's really not much of a story. Second year, _someone_ dared me to jump in the lake in my uniform so I did." I elbowed Pippa in the side and she giggled. "And I honestly can't believe none of _you_ have," I said gesturing across the circle to the Marauders.

"We're smarter than that, love. We know how cold the lake is. You couldn't _pay_ us enough to jump in there," Sirius smiled. "Your turn."

I thought for a moment. There wasn't much I hadn't done…well, that was appropriate to say out loud. "Never have I ever gotten detention." Everyone except Marley and I drank.

The game continued for a while with trivial topics like cheating on a test, stealing, and sneaking out of Hogwarts after hours. Finally, Sirius let out an exasperated groan.

"Can we get to the good stuff already?" He asked impatiently. I swayed slightly as I attempted to sit up straight. I had done the last ten things said and I was definitely feeling the firewhiskey. The drink was definitely stronger than I had originally thought.

"What good stuff?" I asked, turning to Marley. "What's he talking about?"

"I dunno," Marley giggled and leaned back, hitting her head on the base-board of Remus's bed, making her laugh even harder.

"Merlin Black, what'd you put in this stuff?" I said jabbing my half empty bottle at him.

"We may or may not have added some extra ingredients to the drinks," Sirius said innocently looking over at Potter.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to get us _drunk_," Pippa accused before she dissolved into giggles also.

"As I was saying," Sirius said, rolling his eyes at Pippa. "Let's move on to some more interesting stuff. Remus, I believe it's your turn."

Remus, who had risen from the circle to get Marley a pillow for her head, settled himself back into the circle and scratched his chin. "Never have I ever kissed a _boy_."

Sirius let out a bark of a laugh and the four of us girls raised our bottles. I saw Potter's grip tighten around his drink and I quickly shifted my gaze to Sirius.

"Damnit, Moony I was going to say that," Potter huffed as he swirled the contents of his half-empty bottle around. "I've never gotten back together with someone who I've previously dated."

Sirius took a quick swig from his bottle with a guilty smile and Emilie quickly did the same.

"Alright," Sirius said. "I've never been in any given relationship for more than a month."

I took a drink and so did Marley and Remus. I was surprised when I saw Potter lift his bottle to his mouth as well. Irritation flashed through me. I had never realized he'd had a _real_ relationship before. But why should that bother me? I took an extra sip from my bottle before putting it back down in front of me.

"I've never kissed more than two people in the same day," Pippa stated and I watched, irrationally irritated again, as Potter lifted his bottle along with Emilie and Sirius.

"Emilie!" I hissed when I realized what it meant that she was taking a drink.

"What?" she asked innocently. "It was that day when Jared Bennett and Anthony Marsh both put love potions in my tea but I was _also_ dating Ryan Gardner. Totally not my fault."

I laughed along with everyone else, trying to ignore the stabbing jealousy I felt when I applied the same thoughts to Potter.

"I've never met the parents of the person I'm in a relationship with," I said quickly, firing off the first thing that popped into my head. Marley took a quick drink along with Remus.

"I've never slept with anyone," Marley blurted out. We all fell silent for a moment.

"_Now_ we're getting somewhere," Sirius said appreciatively as he took a drink. I watched with building apprehension as Emilie and then Potter took a drink. My guts twisted into a thousand tiny knots and this time I couldn't ignore the raging jealousy I felt. My drink stayed set on the floor in front of me. I saw Potter's eyes flicker from my bottle up to my face and then quickly away. I felt Pippa tense up next to me.

"I've never been in love," Emilie said simply. It would be a simple question for her. She'd never seriously dated anyone. I watched again as Potter raised his bottle. I was the only one who joined him.

Pippa then raised her bottle and drained the last of its contents, slamming it down to the floor when she was done. She hoisted herself up off the floor and without a word, walked out the door. We all gazed after her, speechless.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Hope you liked this chapter. Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed! It's means the world to me and hopefully I'll have time to respond to them all soon. _

_So for those of you wondering, the book Pippa was talking about in chapter 3 will be coming up soon! Not the next chapter, but the one after that! Cheers!_


	8. Chapter 8 - Say Something

Chapter 8 - The Kiss

"What was that about?" Potter asked, looking back at me. I stared back at him for a moment, a thousand different questions running through my mind. Who was this person he was in love with? He had _slept_ with someone? Why had Pippa left so suddenly? _Why_ am I so curious about Potter all of a sudden?

I looked over at Marley and Emilie, who were still staring after Pippa with confused expressions on their faces.

"I should go…" I stood up, almost kicking over my bottle in my clumsiness. I picked it up and finished what was left of it before following after Pippa out the door and down the stairs.

I reached the common room, which was now, thankfully, empty and found her sitting on the couch with her head cradled in her hands. Slowly, I walked around and crouched down on my knees in front of her.

"Pippa…?" I whispered, reaching a tentative hand up to her. She looked up at me, her hands grasping at her silky blond hair, tears streaming silently from her eyes. I quickly moved to sit next to her and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into my lap. She shook slightly as more tears came and I let her cry.

I didn't have to ask her to know what was wrong. Sirius had not raised his bottle when Emilie had said she'd never been in love. He had never loved Pippa, whereas she obviously had loved him and maybe still did. I combed my fingers through her hair, hoping to soothe her.

I could think of nothing to say in this situation. I doubt there _was _anything I could say that would make her feel better. So I let her keep crying.

Not too long after, I saw Marley and Emilie descend the stairs quietly and start to walk towards us. I shook my head quickly and they nodded in understanding. I watched them retreat back up to the girls' dormitory.

I stayed with Pippa on the couch until she fell asleep and I slipped off my shoes to become more comfortable as I stared into the dying fire.

I thought about Pippa. She loved Sirius so much and he had absolutely no clue. He was off dating other girls while Pippa watched it all and waited for him and there was nothing she could say because she'd already had her chance. But despite that, she'd keep holding out for him with halfhearted hope.

And then it hit me— _hard_— before I was even ready for it…

Pippa was just like Potter, if what Sirius and Remus said was true. He was in love with _me_ and I was too busy swooning over Chris to even give him a second thought. I looked down at Pippa, her cheeks and nose still red from crying. Is this what it's like for him when he sees me with Chris? It killed me to see Pippa like this… I understood immediately what Remus had been saying about what hurts one, hurts the other. If I had known how much I was hurting Potter, hurting _all_ of them… well, what would I have done? Dumped Chris and started dating _him? _Probably not… I still loved Chris, too. I couldn't hurt _him_ like that either. So what would I do?

I looked down at Pippa who was sleeping soundly and decided it was time to move her upstairs to her bed.

"_Mobilicorpus,"_ I muttered and Pippa's body was levitated into the air. I directed her towards the girls' staircase and once we were back in our room, I got her into bed easily. The floor was cold beneath my feet and I realized that I had left my shoes downstairs by the fire.

I was pulled out my wand at the bottom of the stairs to summon my shoes just as Potter stumbled into the common room. I jumped and accidentally shot a stunning spell at him out of reflex. He dodged out of the way quickly.

"Easy Evans, don't curse me! I didn't mean to scare you," he held up his hands in surrender and backed away from me towards the stairs.

"Sorry Potter. Reflex, you know?" I cringed guiltily. Potter walked around to the couch and sat down.

"Is Pippa ok?" He asked. "She seemed really upset before…"

I looked over at him, surprised when I saw an expression of concern on his face. This was definitely a side of Potter I wasn't used to. Or maybe it was just because I'd never _cared_ to notice this side of him before…

"She'll be fine," I assured him. "I just took her upstairs. I don't think firewhiskey was the best idea for her tonight…"

"Probably not," he chuckled and then he fell silent, staring at the burning embers of the fire.

"So can I ask you something?" Potter asked turning slightly to look at me. I felt suddenly nervous under his gaze.

I nodded, keeping my eyes on the fire.

"Promise you won't get mad or anything, I'm just curious…" he trailed off when I didn't say anything else.

I turned to him and he looked almost nervous, sitting there next to me. He bit his bottom lip and ran a hand distractedly through his jet black hair. Potter, nervous? This really was a side of him I'd never seen. I kept silent, waiting for the rest of his question. His hazel eyes locked onto mine.

"You and Chris… you've never… you know," he muttered and stopped abruptly when I looked away sharply. I was immediately regretting my allowance for his questions. This was the _last_ thing I wanted to talk to him about. Especially now, after I found out he's—

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, turning back to the fire. "I didn't mean to pry or anything."

"No, we haven't." I said stiffly, staring resolutely forward at the fireplace.

"Why not?" he blurted out and I could tell he was mentally kicking himself for pushing me on the subject. "You don't have to answer that, I'm just being an idiot…"

I sighed. What was the point in hiding anything from Potter anymore? He probably would have found out eventually anyways.

"It's not like I haven't thought about it," I said quietly. I wasn't sure if it was smart, telling Potter this, but the firewhiskey kept the words spilling out of my mouth.

"It just—hasn't been right yet." And then another realization hit me. Would it ever be right? It had been eight months of not-rightness. Maybe it _was_ time to move on… or maybe this is just the combination of very little sleep and alcohol talking. I _love_ Chris, remember? Stupid Lily, stupid, stupid—

"If it makes you feel any better, I completely regret when I did it," Potter said quickly, glancing over at me. I could have sworn there was a hint of a smile on his face.

"What do you mean?" I pressed. I couldn't help but be curious by _this_ revelation.

"It was this seventh year Ravenclaw that I barely even knew. Turns out she was just trying to get back at her boyfriend for cheating on her. I found out after she and her boyfriend were back together that she'd just used me…" he explained. "So after that I promised myself I would never use anyone like she used me. So I never did it again because I realized that anyone I did it with, I _would_ be using them to get past…."

I stared at him at a loss for words, not for the first time tonight.

"Look, Lily, there's something I need to say," Potter said slowly, turning on the couch to face me. Not knowing what else to do, I turned to face him also, pulling one leg up underneath myself. I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear what he was about to say. But I also couldn't honestly say I didn't _want_ to hear it either.

"I know you're not too fond of me, and I understand that. I haven't given you much reason to like me or trust me…" he said quickly, his eyes not meeting mine. "But you're so smart and beautiful and _perfect_… you deserve to be with someone better than Chris. Someone who loves all your quirks, annoying or not. Someone who won't take you for granted or blow you off. Someone like—"

"You?" I breathed. His eyes met mine and the next second his lips were on mine. Softly. More tender than anything I had ever experienced before. Another second passed before my common sense kicked in full throttle and my eyes snapped open.

"James," I said pulling away from him. He was still leaning forward slightly, his eyes slowly opening as he took in my expression. "I can't…"

He stared at me, puzzled. "Of course you can…" and he leaned in to kiss me again, but I stood up instead.

"I won't be the girl who cheats on her boyfriend," I said avoiding his eyes. I heard him get up from the couch and was aware that he was now standing next to me. I could feel his steady breath on my bare shoulder.

"You're going to stay with him," Potter said. It wasn't a question. It was an accusation. I chanced a quick glance at him. His face was screwed up in concentration and he wasn't looking at me. It looked had just been punched in the stomach.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I grabbed my shoes off the floor and ran as quickly as I could up the steps to the girls' dormitory. I didn't look back.

A beam of sunlight hit my square in the face when I opened my eyes the next morning. I rolled over to my other side. My head ached and my stomach growled with hunger. When was the last time I ate?

Images from last night filled my head abruptly and I groaned. What had I done? I _needed_ to talk to someone about this. Pippa had enough problems already from last night and Emilie's not exactly the best person to give out relationship advice…

I sat up quickly and waited for the head rush to pass before getting completely out of bed. I glanced at the clock on my bedside table. Eleven o'clock. I couldn't remember the last time I slept this late.

Pippa was still curled up under her covers and Marley and Emilie's beds were empty. I slipped into a pair of jeans and a dark blue sweatshirt and stumbled down the stairs, still feeling a little lightheaded. I was glad to see Marley and Emilie in the common room. I was even happier to see that Emilie was busy helping her second-year brother Ben study for his Charms exam. Emilie had volunteered to be his subject while he tested out various charms on her. Marley sat close by, observing.

I walked silently up to them and tapped Marley softly on the shoulder. She turned and smiled her dazzling smile when she saw it was me.

"Hi, Lily! I thought you were never going to wake up. Is Pip still sleeping?"

"Yeah, she's still asleep. Listen, Marley can I talk to you for a bit?" I whispered so Emilie wouldn't hear us.

Her face immediately turned into an expression of concern. "Is everything ok?"

"I'm not sure… Can we go somewhere – outside maybe?" I suggested, still whispering.

Emilie was completely absorbed in her study session with Ben so she didn't notice when the two of us slipped out the portrait hole. As soon as we were out of earshot from anyone, Marley turned to me with rapt attention on her face. Reluctantly I relayed to her the entire story, sparing no details or thoughts. We had reached the grounds by the time I finished and we walked down to the lake.

Marley didn't say anything for a few minutes after I had finished and I allowed her the time to process everything I had told her. She stopped and sat down at the edge of the lake. I looked over at her and her eyebrows were knit together in deep concentration. Finally, she looked back at me.

"Do you love him?" She asked completely taking me by surprise.

"Potter?" I asked and she nodded. "I don't think I love him. But I think I _could_ if I let myself," I said truthfully.

"Oh, Lily," Marley laughed softly. "Do you know how many people would kill to be in your situation? You have two wonderful guys who are completely in love with you."

I gave her a small smile. When she put it like that, it really didn't seem so bad. And then I remembered that by choosing either one of them, I was hurting someone else.

Marley sighed and linked her arm in mine. "You know I can't decide anything for you… but if it makes you feel any better, I would have done the exact same thing you did last night."

I leaned my head down and rested it on her shoulder. I took a deep breath. This is why I came to Marley to talk about this. She didn't judge me or scold me for kissing another boy while I had a boyfriend or try to convince me to go a certain way. She was soothing me, which was exactly what I wanted. She was putting the situation in a positive light, as best she could. She was giving me something to think about. And I loved her for it.

"I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, Lily," Marley continued in her soft, musical voice. She began to run her fingers through my hair as I had done to Pippa last night. "On the one hand you've got Chris who loves you and you love him and your relationship is something you _know_ and it's safe. And then there's James who is undeniably crazy for you and would do anything for you, but you're unsure of how you really feel about him because this is the unknown, the what-if, and it could go either way. So do you go with what you know? Or do you take a leap and hope it ends up for the best…?"

We were both quiet for a few minutes as we watched the lake. Marley had certainly given me a lot to think about. I picked my head up off her shoulder.

"Thanks, Marley," I said sincerely. She gave me a small smile and we pulled each other up to standing positions. "We should probably go wake Pippa up. We still have to pack…"

And we walked back to the castle, our arms still linked.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Back with another chapter and this one had some drama :) so hat did you think? Love it? Hate it? _

_What do you think Lily will do? _

_And for those of you wondering, we get a first look at the confessional books in the next chapter! _

_Thanks a million to those who have reviewed, it really means the world to me and motivates me to update :) you guys are the best! _


	9. Chapter 9 - Endings and Beginnings

Chapter 9 - Endings and Beginnings

A bead of sweat slid down the side of my face and I quickly wiped it away. Hopefully we would be there soon. My mother refused to open the windows because of her hair and the heat was on the verge of making me hallucinate. My sister, Petunia, had opted not to come, even though I wouldn't see her for another eleven months. Which was fine, really. Who needed her anyways?

The month I had spent at home had not been pleasant. Petunia, who normally acted as though I didn't exist, had changed strategies and instead spent the entire month berating me about my life. She tried insistently to convince my parents that I was, in her words, "a demon sent straight from hell". My parents however, ignored her antics and continued to praise me on my once again perfect grades.

My sister, then, never failing in her quest to out-do me, announced that she was engaged to her newest boyfriend and they were getting married the following summer. I had to admit, she had me there; I was nowhere near being engaged.

After what seemed like an eternity, which in reality was only four hours, we pulled onto the sunny street just east of Southend-on-Sea. The house we stopped in front of the last house in a row of five houses facing a large open field. There were trees out front and there were no other houses behind this row of five. I stepped out of the car and breathed in the salty sea air. We were just a short walk from the beach. I went around the back of the car to pull out my school trunk and duffel back since I wouldn't be going home again before school. I heard the front door to the house open and steps running down the walk.

"Lily!"

Before I could prepare myself, the wind was knocked out of me as Pippa tackled me in a hug.

"I'm so glad you're here!" She squeezed me until I couldn't breathe and I had to break free before I answered.

"Me too," I said flashing a huge smile at her. It had been a long month without Pippa or any of my other friends around me. Emilie would be joining us in a few days, but Marley was still visiting family in France and she wouldn't be here for another week. Pippa's father had graciously agreed to let us stay with them since Pippa's sister, Elsa was at one of her friends' house for the remainder of summer as well and he would be busy with work, leaving Pippa alone most of the time.

Mr. Birch strode out of the house to greet my parents while Pippa and I dragged my trunk and duffel inside and up the stairs to her room at the end of the hall. Her room was large with a queen-sized bed and a large vanity. She had a sliding glass door that led out to a small balcony with wrought-iron rails. The backyard was enclosed by a small stone wall and beyond that was a large meadow that served as the backyard to a church. Across the meadow was an unused functions hall that looked out onto the sea.

After a quick goodbye with my parents, Mr. Birch announced that he had to do inventory at the store all night and he wouldn't be able to return until the next evening for dinner. We watched as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a muffin from a basket on the counter before disappearing with a tiny _pop_!

"So," Pippa said as soon as he disappeared. "My dad said he could get me the books we need for this confessional book idea. When he asked me what I needed them for I told him we were doing a kind of yearbook for all the students to remember our class by. He totally bought it. So we should be getting them all in a week or two."

To be honest, I had completely forgotten about the books, but now that Pippa brought it up it seemed like the perfect distraction for me. This would definitely keep us busy for the rest of the summer. I put my still uneasy feelings on the legality and practicality of this project aside and responded with enthusiasm to Pippa.

There was no use arguing. She was too motivated.

We ended up spending what was left of the day walking to the beach and catching up on each other's lives from the past month. By this time I had already told Pippa and Emilie what had happened the night of the firewhiskey and their reactions varied only slightly from Marley's. Pippa was surprised that I'd even _let _Potter that close to me, but she was otherwise supportive of either decision I made. Thankfully, she didn't say "I told you so".

"So Lily… how are you doing and all?" Pippa asked reluctantly after she finished explaining how Elsa had accidentally set the kitchen on fire while trying to make dinner the previous week. "I know this was the week you were supposed to visit Chris…"

"I'm fine, really," I assured her.

I had broken things off with Chris two weeks into the summer. I had never told him what happened between Potter and I. I had been wracking my brain those two weeks to find some kind of solution in which no one would get hurt. But in my inability to make a decision, I selfishly concluded that I couldn't stand to hurt one and not the other so I would hurt them both. I broke things off with Chris and hadn't spoken to Potter since that night.

"I don't know if I made the right choice here," I confessed, digging my toes into the sand. "But I couldn't lead Chris on. I don't miss him as much as I thought I would."

"Well, maybe that's your answer then," Pippa said, staring out at the choppy waves. "If you don't miss him then you know he wasn't right for you, Lily. Whatever you decide to do about Potter, you know I'll stand beside you."

"Thanks, Pip," I said earnestly, linking my arm through hers.

The next week went by quickly. First Emilie arrived with her mother, who had driven her from Bristol and then Marley arrived, fresh from her visit to France. It was the perfect way to end the summer, with my best friends.

We were all sleeping on the floor of Pippa's room a week later when the doorbell rang. Pippa's father had been working late last night again and had not come home so Pippa, grumbling, got out of bed and went downstairs to see who was there.

A few minutes later she burst into her room, stepping on Emilie in the process and pulled all the covers off of us.

"Get up!" Pippa screeched. For a second, I thought something was wrong and I sat straight up and looked around for Pippa. But instead of finding fear on her face, she was smiling and kicking Marley off to the side of her room. "I need your help!" She called as she ran from the room and down the stairs.

Curious, we followed her, all of us still in our pajamas. At the bottom of the stairs we found two large boxes. We reached the bottom of the stairs and navigated ourselves to the front door to see a large purple mail truck. We wandered outside and down the walk to find Pippa. The doors at the rear of the truck were open and when we looked inside, all of us gasped.

What should have been a decently sized trunk of a car was actually a dining hall sized room, no doubt enlarged by magic, filled to the top with rows upon rows of boxes, held in place by nets. Off to the left side of the truck appeared Pippa holding a large brown box. She dropped it into Emilie's hands, who staggered under the weight.

"Come help me!" Pippa shouted gleefully as she disappeared into the truck once more. We followed her and saw that a tiny man was at the top of a ladder lowering boxes down to her with his wand. We each grabbed a as many boxes as we could and quickly put them in the house. After one last trip, the tiny wizard assured Pippa that that was all and we watched the purple mail truck speed away and disappear into thin air.

As soon as the truck was out of sight we raced into the house. Pippa whipped out her wand and aimed it at several of the boxes.

"Pippa, you can't do magic outside of school! I accidentally turned Petunia's teacup into a frog last year when she made me angry and I got a warning letter from the Ministry," I said urgently grabbing her arm.

"Relax, Lils," Pippa said rolling her eyes. "This is a wizard house. The Ministry can't actually tell _who_ has cast a spell, only the area in which it was cast. They never bother with Wizard houses like mine since they expect the parents to take care of keeping it under control. Besides, you're seventeen aren't you? And so is Marley. You have nothing to worry about."

She carefully levitated each of the boxes up the stairs and into the spare room next to hers where her family kept all of their "wizard" stuff. There were four broomsticks, two cauldrons, a box of small silver contraptions, a large glass jar labeled "Extra Floo Powder", and one wall completely devoted to books.

"Our neighbors are all muggles," Pippa explained as she walked into the room after levitating the last box. "My mom was good friends with all of them and they still stop by from time to time so we usually keep our more obvious magic stuff up here."

There were 15 boxes in all. Pippa tore the closest one open and lifted out a small black moleskin notebook. The pages were a creamy white and completely blank. She looked up at us, her hazel eyes sparkling with excitement.

We counted out the books. There were thirty in each box giving us a grand total of four hundred and fifty books: more than enough for the student body of Hogwarts, giving us some extra in case we made mistakes.

"I don't really know where to begin," Pippa confessed and she looked up at me.

"Ok, well I suppose we should start by using a Protean charm to bind all of the books to each other…" I suggested, picking up a small black book and turning it over in my hands. "The tricky part is that the Protean charm only binds a group of objects to one so that if changes are made to the one, they are made to the rest. I suppose I could do the charm on all of them...but that would take a long time."

"A Protean Charm? Merlin, Lily how do you learn these things? That's like, beyond N.E.W.T.S. level," Emilie said, digging through a box and taking out several of the books.

I blushed slightly. "It's nothing really, I just read about it in a book…"

"What book?" Pippa asked giving me an accusatory look.

"_Theories of Transubstantial Transfiguration,"_ I admitted. "It was just a bit of extra reading, that's all."

"You're too smart for your own good, Lily" Pippa sighed shaking her head. "But at least _you_ know what you're doing. So how do we go about this Protean charm?"

"Well, I'll start with just a few of these books as practice. If it works I should be able to cast a collective charm on all the books so I don't have to do them each individually," I explained. I pulled my wand from where it was stuck in my jeans and aimed it at the four books in front of me.

"_Proteo Totalus,"_ I said quietly, trying my best to remember the proper wand movements. "Hand me a quill, will you?"

I snatched up one of the books and opened it to the first page. Marley handed me a quill from the large jar of them on the desk in the corner of the room. I hesitated, nervous that the spell hadn't worked, even more nervous if it actually did. I dipped the quill in the bottle of ink Marley had placed next to me on the floor and wrote my name at the top of the page

Quickly, I flipped open the next book in line and saw, to my amazement, my name written exactly as it was in the first book. Pippa squealed in joy as I flipped open the other two to see my name reflected identically on their pages as well.

"Merlin's beard, I can't believe that worked," Emilie hissed as she inspected one of the books closer. "You're a genius, Lily."

"So how are you going to get the writing to look the same for each person?" Pippa asked sticking her tongue between her teeth as she emptied the last box of books onto the floor.

"I have an idea, but I'm not sure if it will work," I admitted, picking up my wand again. "I've never seen an actual spell for it before but I know the basic words to use and the theory behind it, so I guess it wouldn't hurt to try…"

I pointed my wand at the four books in front of me and said in a shaky voice, "_celo signum totalus"._

I looked up from the books to see Pippa, Marley, and Emilie all staring at me with their mouths open.

"You're seriously like, the smartest person I know," Emilie said, still staring at me.

"Well, don't say that until we see if it actually worked," I muttered picking up the first book again. I scrawled my name again and watched in amazement as my curly signature morphed quickly into a generic script that could belong to anyone.

Marley grabbed the book closest to her and signed her name below my two signatures. I glanced down at the page to see her name appear below mine in the same generic writing.

"I honestly can't believe that worked," I breathed and I watched Pippa and then Emilie write their names underneath as well.

"Lily, I have another idea," Pippa said as she doodled a little star in the corner of the page, which then appeared on all of our pages. "What if we kept these four books for ourselves? Like just for fun, but it would make passing notes in class so much easier and it wouldn't be so obvious. It would just look like we're taking notes."

Marley and Emilie agreed enthusiastically with this idea and I reached out my hands for their books. They looked at me questioningly.

"So I can reverse the anonymous script," I explained and performed what I thought to be an adequate counter-spell. I flipped open the cover of one of them and saw that each of our signatures had returned to its original form. "This way, _we'll_ know who's writing."

"Oh, good idea," Marley said and then her eyebrows were drawn together in concern. "What if someone else thinks of that counter-spell and then the books won't be anonymous?"

I thought about that for a second. "I suppose I could put a permanent binding charm on them, so only I could change it. I've never tried it before, only read about it, so I'm not sure if it will work."

"Well, let's get to work on the rest. Lily, do you think you can do the rest of the books at once?" Pippa asked excitedly as she moved all of the boxes to the edge of the room and piled all the books in the center.

"Wait," Marley said collecting our four personal books. She marked each of them with the tip of her wand with an M, P, E, and L and handed them back to us. "So we can tell the difference between our private notes and our public ones."

"Good idea," I agreed and turned my wand on the rest of the books.

I leaned back against the wall next to Marley and slid down into a sitting position. I had just finished casting the last of the permanent binding charms on the giant pile of books in the center of the room.

"So explain to me how we're getting these to all the students?" I asked, turning my head towards Pippa who was carefully inspecting the books.

Pippa bit her bottom lip and quickly busied herself with stacking the books neatly. "I hadn't actually thought about that yet. I was hoping you would help me…?"

"Pippa," I let out an exasperated sigh and shook my head. "I thought you were the genius mastermind behind this whole thing."

"Fine," she snapped, crossing her arms. "I'll figure it out _myself_."

"How are kids gonna know what to do with these things?" Emilie asked, picking up one of the books and flipping through the pages.

Pippa threw me a hopeful look.

"Hand me a book," I sighed, holding out my hand. Marley handed me the closest book and I picked up a quill off the floor.

I flipped the cover open to the very first page and poised the quill over the parchment, waiting for words to come.

"How about this," I said, pressing the tip of the quill to the paper. "'_Hogwarts Confessional_' – is that a good name?" The Clique nodded. "_'Hogwarts Confessional is the newest way to express yourself at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Feel free to write a secret, confession, or wish on the following pages. Each book is linked to the rest so any secret you write will appear in the rest. Everything is completely anonymous; there is no way to trace the author of any secrets. The only thing we ask you to keep in mind is that the secrets on here will be read by your peers so let's keep it classy Hogwarts—no names, please._'—does that sound good?" I finished.

"It's perfect," Pippa smiled, a mischievous twinkle settling in her hazel eyes.

The days of Hogwarts as we knew it are long gone… enter the reign of the Hogwarts Confessional.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry, I normally try and upload a new chapter on Fridays but yesterday was my birfday and I was busy riding motorcycles and climbing mountains and eating unhealthy amounts of cake. _

_ Ok so the books have been created! And going back through all these chapters I'm realizing just how short they are... my apologies, I was like 16 when I wrote this. _

_So what do you think will happen when they set them loose on the students? _

_Do you think anyone will suspect it was them? _

_What do you think James and Lily's first interaction will be like?_

_Reviews are better than cake! (almost). _


	10. Chapter 10 - Dux Ducis

_Quick A/N: the key for the notes written between the girls are_: **Pippa (bold),** _Marley (Italics_), _**Emilie (italic bold)**_, Lily (normal)

* * *

Chapter 10 - Dux Ducis

The last two weeks of August flew by before our eyes. Before we knew it, it was September 1st and Pippa's father was helping us load our trunks into the back of his car. He was letting Pippa drive saying that he would be at Diagon Alley later so he could just apparate to the train station to pick it up.

"Who wants to sit in front with me?" Pippa sang as she snatched the car keys off the kitchen counter and danced out to the car with us on her tail.

"I think our Head Girl should take the front," Marley cooed, poking me in the ribs. I laughed and skipped around to the front passenger side.

"If you insist," I sighed playfully. "It's such a _burden_ to be Head Girl."

Emilie giggled and climbed in the back seat with Marley.

After a fairly short trip in the car, Pippa pulled into a parking space near King's Cross. And we loaded some nearby carts with our trunks. They were especially heavy this year since we'd all had to magically expand them to hold all the Hogwarts Confessional books.

We wheeled our carts into the station and soon passed through the brick wall onto Platform 9 ¾ . We were early enough that once we got our trunks onto the train we had our pick of compartments. We closed to door to our compartment and stared out the window, watching as the rest of the students arrived. We commented on who had changed the most in appearance looked exactly the same. Pippa and Emilie started the traditional game of "Who Would You Date" and Marley and I exchanged grins before joining in.

We paused the game only when we saw the Marauders. None of us had spoken to them since the night before summer holiday. Any first encounter one of us had with them this year was sure to be awkward. We resumed the game once they were safely on the train and we became so absorbed that none of us would have noticed if they had walked right by our compartment.

We stopped when the last person hopped onto the train and it began to move slowly. Once the train was in full motion, I jumped up from my seat, explaining to the Clique that I had to meet with Professor McGonagall in the front compartment for Heads duties.

I wandered down the narrow corridor, not bothering to look into any of the compartments for fear that I'd see the Marauders. I slid open the door to the front compartment and quickly hopped inside.

"Hey there, Evans," I heard a familiar voice say, and I spun around. Potter was sitting next to the window with his feet up casually on the seat across from him.

"Oh," I said, startled. I was completely unprepared for a confrontation so soon and I had no idea what to say so I stood in front of the door gaping at him like an idiot. His jet black hair had grown out a bit since I'd seen him last, almost covering his bright hazel eyes. His face had lost some of its roundness and it made him look older. He was, if possible, even better-looking than he used to be.

"Um, sorry," I muttered awkwardly. "The heads are supposed to be meeting Professor McGonagall in here in a few moments…"

"Yes, I know," He said looking out the window, how mouth twitching into a smile.

"You're not—" I sputtered in disbelief.

"Head Boy? Sure I am." He said looking over at me, his smile growing wider. "Surprised?"

"Very," I breathed as I sank down into one of the seats closest to the door. I wasn't prepared at all for this. Already this was proving trickier than I thought. After I had broken up with Chris I hadn't let myself think about Potter at all or what I would say to him … or if there _was_ anything to say to him. I still wasn't sure. But he was Head Boy?

"I'm smarter than you give me credit for, Evans," Potter smirked at me. "Though I think Dumbledore was hoping I'd grow up a bit with this new responsibility."

"That wouldn't be a bad idea," I growled out of habit. I may be confused about my feelings for him, but I still hadn't completely gotten over my former aversion to him.

He let out a soft laugh at my temper and McGonagall entered the compartment. We spent the next hour listening attentively as McGonagall explained all of our various duties as Head Boy and Girl. I blanched a little when she mentioned the Heads dorm which we would be sharing just the two of us. I had completely forgotten about that part of being Head Girl. So much for staying with the Clique. But I couldn't help my stomach flipping slightly at the thought of James and me sharing a dorm with no one else there.

McGonagall finished with her instructions soon after that and informed us that we were to go now to the Prefects meeting in the next compartment to create patrol schedules. Potter sat back as I took charge of the meeting and divided the schedules as fairly as I could between the Prefects. I was slightly annoyed that he seemed to have no interest in helping me, but let it slide. It was easier to get things done by myself anyways. The only shift left was the nightly midnight shift that was usually saved for Heads. I shuddered at the thought of spending every night with Potter but put all my feelings on that subject aside and explained the rest of the prefect duties as Potter watched from his seat in the corner.

After I was done with instructions, I watched silently as the prefects filed out of the compartment and I slumped back into one of the seats. I inclined my head slightly towards Potter to see that he was staring back at me.

"You seem to be taking this all pretty well," He commented casually, stretching his legs out onto the seat across from him.

"Taking what well?" I asked, confused.

"My being Head Boy. I would have thought you'd throw a fit," he smirked.

"I guess it hasn't really hit me yet," I said quietly, looking down at my shoes. It was irritating, his apparent indifference to this situation. Normally he would have been jumping up and down for joy at the thought of living in close quarters with me. It was a bit unnerving actually, to see him so put together around me. What had I expected though? For me to come back and him still be head over heels for me? I didn't even know if that was what I wanted… I still hadn't decided how I felt about him.

"How was your summer?" I asked tentatively, trying to be friendly.

"My summer?" he looked at me, almost like he was surprised that I would ask him such a question. "It was fine."

I stared at him. This was weird. Shouldn't he be asking me out by now? _Not_ that I wanted him to. But when a dog says "meow" instead of "woof", you notice.

"Yours?" He asked blandly from his corner.

"It was fine," I said, thinking of nothing interesting to say about it without revealing the Hogwarts Confessional.

Potter stood up suddenly.

"Where are you going? We still have to divide the Heads shifts between ourselves and make a rough plan of the school events and Hogsmeade trips," I sputtered pathetically at his retreating back.

"Sorry, I have to go meet Holly."

I froze. I'm sure he saw the look of shock on my face. "Holly?"

"Yeah. You know her. Seventh year Hufflepuff. You caught us in a broom cupboard last year," he smiled cockily at the memory and something stabbed in the pit of my stomach. "Anyways, she's kind of my girlfriend now."

My insides completely shut down and I was dumbstruck. He had a _girlfriend_? Well _that's_ why he didn't ask me out or pester me. A girlfriend, though. For some reason, my notorious temper flared and my breathing became harsh. How had I been such an idiot? I had broken up with Chris to potentially be with James Potter only to find out that he'd moved on already. Wait, I'd broken up with Chris to potentially be with James Potter? Well, this was news to me. Merlin's beard, I think I'm in way over my head here…

"Which reminds me," Potter said as he scratched his chin casually. "How's Chris? Did you end up going to his house over the summer?"

I stood up quickly and made my way to the compartment door where Potter stood.

"No," I growled and I shoved past him roughly. "I broke up with him two weeks into summer." And I walked down the narrow hall, not even looking back to see the expression on James's face. Well, so much for friendly.

The feast dragged on this year. I tried to pay attention as the first years were sorted but I was soon distracted by Emilie, who poked me in the ribs and pointed to the little black book sticking out of my back pocket. I pulled it out and flipped back the cover to see several messages there.

**Look at Severus Snape. He looks like he's about to wet himself.**

_Be nice, Pip. Did you see Liam Lawson? He looks incredible this year. _

_**Holy Merlin. Marley, if you don't ask him out, I will.**_

_No! I'll ask him out. I swear….maybe._

_**You have until Halloween and then he's mine.**_

_That's not enough time, Em._

_**Two months is plenty of time.**_

You could always cut him down the middle and each take half.

_**I call the bottom half.**_

I giggled out loud at that. We spent the rest of the sorting ceremony writing ridiculous things in our books and trying to suppress our laughter.

All too soon, the welcome feast was over and I was supposed to report to Dumbledore for further Head duties and to find out where I would be living this year.

As I was saying a hasty goodbye to the Clique, Marley whispered the Gryffindor password in my ear. She had taken over as Prefect for our year.

"As soon as you get settled in your room, come find us," she whispered, giving my hand an encouraging squeeze. I had told the Clique everything that had happened on the train.

"I will," I promised and walked toward the front table where the professors sat. I saw Potter following me out of the corner of my eye.

"Ah, Miss Evans!" Dumbledore gave me a crinkly eyed smile and grasped my small hands between his. "Welcome back!"

"Thank you, sir." I said. Dumbledore's enthusiasm was contagious and I found myself smiling in spite of my sour mood. "I hope you had an enjoyable summer."

"Yes, very," Dumbledore said, his blue eyes twinkling. "Ah, Mister Potter! Welcome!"

"Thank you, sir," James said bowing his head slightly as he and Dumbledore exchanged a small handshake. "It's great to be back."

"It is indeed," Dumbledore said, almost wistfully. "Well, let's walk and talk. I'm sure you two are anxious to see where you'll be living," he said as he strode off at a fast pace. I had to almost jog to keep up with him.

Anxious was a good word. Though I was anxious in a different way than he meant. I was still irritated with Potter about our earlier conversation and I was mad at myself for getting deluded into thinking that Potter might actually be a decent person with real feelings for me.

We followed a similar path as the one we normally took to the Gryffindor tower but turned right down a hall that we normally would go left at. Dumbledore talked the whole way, reiterating many of the points that McGonagall went over with us on the train and adding a few more things.

"I thought since you both are Gryffindors you might appreciate being close to home," Dumbledore smiled as he stopped at the opposite end of the hall from the portrait of the Fat Lady. The painting in front of us was of a thick, dark forest with a few shy centaurs peeking their heads out from behind trees. "The password is _dux ducis_. I'll leave you two to get settled." And with that, Dumbledore swept off down the empty corridor leaving us completely alone.

The painting swung open when Dumbledore said the password and Potter held out his hand indicating that I go before him. We walked into what looked like a smaller version of the Gryffindor common room. There was a wooden table in one corner with two wooden chairs. A couch with a squishy red armchair on either side sat facing a large stone fireplace with a small fire already burning inside it. There was a large bulletin board on one wall that I assumed was for keeping track of our head duties and a large Gryffindor flag on the opposite wall. Next to the bulletin board on the left wall was a door with a wooden sign with "James Potter" carved into it and painted in gold. The door on the right, under the flag read "Lily Evans" in the same fashion. On the wall in between our two bedrooms was another door, this one labeled as the bathroom.

"Where does Dumbledore get these passwords? _Dux ducis_… they're so random," James muttered, as he moved to sit on the couch.

"_Dux ducis_ is Latin for leader," I said without thinking. The Clique always laughed at me when I blurted out brainy things like that and I didn't want to make myself look like any more of a fool in front of Potter.

I saw Potter open his mouth to say something to that, but I quickly skipped over to my bedroom door and slipped inside before he could.

I shut the door quickly and turned around. My bedroom looked exactly like one I had shared with the Clique for the last six years. Except there was only one bed, and it was bigger than my old one. It had a dark gold duvet and thick dark red velvet curtains around it. There was a large vanity on the left side of the bed, much like the one in Pippa's room at home. It was made of dark mahogany wood with a large guilt-framed mirror in the center and a small stool with a red velvet cushion in front of it. Next to the vanity was an armoire that matched the vanity. It had large double doors and on the left-hand side was a full length mirror. On the other side of the bed was a bookshelf made of the same mahogany wood as the vanity. At the foot of my bed was my trunk and I decided that now would be as good of a time as any to unpack.

I pulled out my clothes and hung them neatly in the armoire, closing its large doors when I was done. I put my hairbrush and the limited collection of makeup I had into the top drawer of the vanity. The rest of the contents of my trunk were books which I almost entirely filled three shelves of the bookcase with. I had about one hundred of the small black moleskin Confessionals still in my trunk and I left them there. I would take them to the Clique's room at some point.

Thinking of the Clique sent a pang of longing through me. I didn't live with them anymore. It was weird to think that I would spend this year only living with _him_. The longing to see the Clique took over and I swept from my room, locking my door behind me with a silent spell. Potter was still sitting on the couch, twirling his wand around between his fingers and staring into the fire. It looked like he hadn't moved since I first went into my room.

He looked up when he heard me come out of my room. "Where are you going?" he asked curiously, sitting up a little.

"Out," I said, walking straight past him and out the portrait hole.

* * *

_A/N: Hurray! Chapter 10 is up! Soooo James is Head Boy and dating someone else :/ and clearly Lily is taking it well. _

_I know this part of the story is a bit slow and it'll be a couple chapters until the books are actually out, but I'd love to hear what you think of the story so far! _

_Favorite character? Least favorite? Who would you like to see more of? _

_Reviews make me do a happy dance :)_


	11. Chapter 11 - Reunions

Chapter 11 - Reunions

I walked down the hall to my old dorm quickly. It was getting late and the prefects would start patrolling soon, not that it mattered to me anyways since I was Head Girl. I said the password Marley had told me earlier and the Fat Lady swung open obligingly. I walked into the common room— It was weird to be in here knowing that I actually didn't live here anymore. I felt like I didn't belong.

"Lily?" I heard a voice say from the couch near the fire and I spun around to see Sirius and Remus sitting there.

"Hey," I said unsurely. I hadn't talked to either of them at all over the summer. I felt awful about it. I had begun to write Sirius several letters, all of which I had quickly crumpled up and threw away. But that was no excuse. I knew they were probably still mad at me for what happened at the end of the year with James and I wasn't too sure how to act around them now.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked accusingly and the words were harsh. I saw Remus elbow him in his side before he turned back to me. I shrank back a little and muttered that I was here to see the Clique.

"Wait," Remus said as I turned to go up the stairs. "We haven't seen you in ages. Won't you stay and talk for a bit?"

I turned back towards them. Remus gestured for me to come over to them and I obeyed, my feet moving slowly and unsurely.

"Aren't you guys mad at me?" I asked quietly when I stood in front of them.

"Yes," Sirius said, staring resolutely into the fire.

"No," Remus cut him off, throwing him a sharp look. "We're not mad at you, Lily," he said, his voice softening. "Come sit down."

I saw in the armchair next to the couch. "I'm sorry I didn't write at all this summer," I blurted out. "I didn't know what to say after… well, you know."

Sirius huffed and continued staring into the fire. Remus, however, smiled.

"It's ok, Lily." He said gently. "Did you have a nice summer?"

"It was alright," I said, chewing nervously on my bottom lip. "I broke up with Chris about two weeks after school got out."

Sirius's head snapped back toward me. "You _what?_"

"I broke up with him," I said again, looking directly into his steely gray eyes. "You were right. He wasn't right for me at all…"

Sirius's face split into a grin but he quickly hid it. "Sorry though, that must have been rough."

"It actually wasn't. For me, at least. Chris wasn't too happy about it, though," I admitted. That was a bit of an understatement. Chris had been completely devastated. I tried very hard to block that particular memory of the summer from my mind. I did not look forward to seeing him at all in class.

"Well, Lils, I'm not gonna lie," Sirius said as he moved to sit on the armrest of my chair. "That makes me really happy."

I scoffed and tried to push him off but he stayed put.

"Look, sorry I've been such a git. But you know how it is with friends…" Sirius muttered.

"Yeah, I know…" I said and the image of Pippa curled up in my lap crying, flashed before my eyes. "Look, I gotta go. I'm here to see the Clique."

I got up from the chair, taking extra care to shove Sirius off the armrest and walked past Remus, ruffling his hair as I went. It felt good to have things cleared up between us.

I skipped up the steps to the girls' dorm and knocked lightly on the door before entering. The room looked exactly the same except that my usual bed was empty.

Pippa was hunched over on her bed painting her toenails a shiny gold. Marley was lying on her stomach on her bed leafing through her Potions book. And Emilie was unpacking clothes from her trunk. They all looked up when I entered and then started talking all at once, asking me questions about my room and what it's like living with a boy.

"I haven't even been there for an hour yet," I laughed. "I have no _idea_ what it's like living with a boy. The entire time I was unpacking he was just sitting in the common room twirling his wand. I have no idea what his problem is. He's been acting so weird today."

"You mean why hasn't be been acting like he's madly in love with you?" Emilie said lightly from her bed. I pressed my lips together in a hard line.

"That's _not_ what I mean, Em," I snapped, taking a seat next to Pippa on her bed.

"Come on, Lily. So he's acting cold to you. So what? You did kind of reject him pretty harshly last June," Emilie said raising her eyebrows at me.

"Can we _not_ bring that up please?" I growled at her and she fell silent, returning to unpacking her trunk.

"Let's talk about something else," Marley suggested, sensing the tension between Emilie and I.

"Good," Pippa said and she reached down into her trunk and pulled out a handful of small black books. "How about how we're getting these to everyone?"

"Pip, I thought you said _you'd_ figure that part out," I sighed.

"I tried," Pippa said innocently. "But I couldn't think of anything."

"Well, there's no way we can personally give everyone a book," I said, thinking out loud. "And we can't get into any of the other dorms. The only ones who can do that are the teachers and the house elves…"

"That's perfect!" Pippa exclaimed, her hazel eyes lighting up. "We'll have the house elves put them there!"

"Yeah right, Pippa," Emilie said rolling her eyes. "The only way they'd do that for us is if we bribed them with something."

"Like butterbeer?" I suggested. Pippa squealed next to me and threw her arms around me, kissing me on the cheek.

"You guys are so brilliant. That will totally work. I don't know why I can't come up with these things on my own anymore. I used to be so good at it," Pippa said shaking her head sadly. We all knew why she couldn't but none of us said it out loud. Her mischief had slowly declined after she and Sirius broke up, and since last June especially it was like she couldn't concentrate on _anything_, let alone pranks. Now that she had some idea in her head for trouble, I didn't have the heart to discourage her, especially when we'd come this far already.

Emilie and I walked quietly downstairs later that night, hoping that Sirius was still down there. Luckily we found him sitting alone by the fireplace, reading what looked like a letter.

"Sirius?" I asked cautiously as we approached the couch. After our conversation earlier I was pretty sure that we were on good terms again.

He looked up at us, startled, and quickly crumpled the letter in his hands.

"Hey," he said and I could hear a hint of anger in his voice.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Huh?" He looked at me and saw my eyes flicker to the crumpled paper in his hands. "Oh, this. Letter from my mother. It's just a long list of curses at me. She sends them roughly four times a year."

"That sounds awful," Emilie said in her light, breathy voice. She sat down next to him on the couch and placed a sympathetic hand on his knee.

"Really, it's ok. I'm used to it by now," Sirius shrugged.

"Families suck," I said sitting down on the other side of Sirius.

"So what are you ladies doing up so late?"

"Well, we actually needed to talk to you…" Emilie said, glancing quickly at me. We had agreed that since I was the closest with Sirius, I should be the one to ask.

Sirius saw our exchange of glances and looked at me curiously.

"Ok, we have this kind of project that we're working on," I started, unsure of how to proceed. "You have to promise us that you _won't_ say a word about any of this to anyone. You're the only one we can trust with this…"

A crease formed between Sirius's silver eyes as I spoke to him.

"Sure, Lily, I promise. What's going on?"

"Ok, well like I said, we have this…project. And it will eventually involve the whole school but in order for it to involve the whole school we need the house elves to help us. And for that we need a bribe, which we thought could be butterbeer. Only we have no idea how or _where_ to get enough butterbeer to bribe the house elves."

Sirius thought it over for a minute. "You guys aren't very good pranksters. Pippa would know, wouldn't she? She's done tons of stuff like this before," he said, laughing slightly.

"Well, Pippa hasn't really been much of herself lately," Emilie said quietly, avoiding Sirius's questioning stare.

"Is she ok?" He asked, and there was an edge of panic in his voice.

"She's fine, Sirius," I soothed. "She's just been sort of distracted lately so she can't really focus properly on anything."

"Well," he said calming down a bit. "I guess I could help you get the butterbeer. It's going to involve going to Hogsmeade, though. And I'm not doing it alone. Normally James would help but since you don't want anyone else to know, one of you is going to have to come with me."

"Lily will go," Emilie volunteered and I shot her a glare. "You're Head Girl, if anyone catches you out late they'll just think you're doing patrol."

I wrinkled my nose. She had a point. "Fine, I'll go," I said shrugging.

"Well, geez. Don't get too excited over spending time with me, Lils," Sirius scoffed in mock offense.

"Sirius, I'll be very happy to spend time with you," I soothed him. "But speaking of patrols, I have to get going. Potter and I have our first patrol tonight. Let me know when you want to go to Hogsmeade, Sirius." I said and I left him and Emilie on the couch.

I jogged down the long hall and skidded to a stop in front of Potter who was waiting outside the Heads dormitory.

"Sorry I'm late," I apologized breathlessly and I doubled over to catch my breath.

"It's fine," Potter said indifferently, shrugging. He started walking down the hall and I ran a few steps to catch up with him.

"What on earth is going on with you?" I asked, still a little breathless.

"What do you mean?" He asked coldly, not looking at me.

"I mean… why aren't you annoying the hell out of me? Since we've been back you've been quiet, passive, and _normal_; all things that are uncharacteristic of you," I said, falling into step with his long stride.

"What's it matter to _you?_" He snapped, his cold hazel eyes boring into my emerald ones.

"It doesn't really," I said defensively. "But it's just— well, it's surprising, this change in you. I didn't expect it, that's all."

"Well, life is full of surprises," Potter said bitterly as we went through a door leading to the grand staircase.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I liked the old you a lot better," I muttered quietly to myself, sure that he wouldn't hear me.

"Why the hell did you break up with Chris, Lily?" Potter burst. We had just stepped onto a staircase that had begun to move and I was trapped, scared at his sudden outburst.

"He wasn't right for me," I said quietly, shrinking back against the stone banister of the stairs.

"'He wasn't right for me'…" Potter mused to himself, chuckling slightly. It was a dangerous kind of laugh, the kind that made the hairs on the back on my neck stand up. Why wouldn't this stupid staircase go faster? "And you broke up with him two weeks after school got out. Couldn't bother yourself to send me a quick letter, could you?"

"I didn't know what I would say, James," I explained, walking quickly down the steps as the staircases reconnected.

"You could have said _anything_, Lily," Potter grabbed my arm and pulled me back. It wasn't forceful, it was urgent. "Anything would have been better than nothing. Even if you didn't want to be with me, just _something_. I spent _weeks_ trying to figure out what the hell happened between us that night. And then I finally just gave up."

"You gave up?" I repeated, unexpectedly upset by this. I felt something pull at the back of my stomach like I was going to be sick. I hadn't counted on feeling like this. Just a year ago what I would've given anything to hear Potter say those exact words, that he was giving up on me. So why did they hurt so much to hear now?

"I'm with Holly now. And I really like her," James said, a strange sadness edging its way into his voice.

"Well, good for you," I said, my voice sounding cool and indifferent. Potter could _never_ find out how much this hurt me. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking I actually had feelings for him and was affected by his having a girlfriend. I could never let him see me even the tiniest bit vulnerable like this ever again.

"I think we should split up to do rounds from now on," I said. "It'll be more efficient. I'll take the north side of the castle, you take the south." And I strode off down a dark, empty corridor, leaving Potter and any feelings I might have had for him behind.

* * *

_A/N: Happy May everyone! And a new chapter! So Lily reconnected with the Marauders, Sirius is kind of in on the secret now, and James has apparently given up on Lily. _

_So do you think he's REALLY given up? Or is he just deluding himself?_

_Feedback is wonderful, and all you readers are wonderful, let me know what you thought of this chapter :)_


	12. Chapter 12 - Confronted

Chapter 12

The common room was empty when I returned from my patrol – I was thankful for that. I walked straight into my room, leaving only to wash my face in the bathroom before going to bed. I kept my mind occupied the entire patrol by being even more thorough than usual. I walked through every corridor on the north side of the castle, going into every room and broom closet to double check that there were no students out of bed. Normally just walking through the corridors satisfied me, but tonight I needed to keep busy.

I couldn't let myself think about my most recent discussion with Potter. If he had given up then that was fine. I didn't like him anyways, right? Right.

The next morning I woke up early so I could avoid Potter again and hurried over to the Gryffindor common room to meet up with the Clique before breakfast. My mind was still reeling slightly over last night but I pushed all thoughts of it to the corners of my head. I couldn't afford any thoughts for him. This was my seventh year. I should be concentrating on my N.E.W.T.S.

As soon as the rest of the Clique joined me in the common room we headed to breakfast. Sirius, Remus, and Peter joined us at the Gryffindor table and before I could object, so did Potter. I turned my head sharply away as he sat down in the only available seat, directly across from me. I immediately became absorbed in the schedule that McGonagall had just handed me.

All of the Clique had been accepted into all of the N.E.W.T.S. classes, obviously. We had Charms first. Charms was my absolute favorite class, so my mood lifted slightly at that. However, my spirits plummeted as soon as I noticed that after lunch we had double Potions with Ravenclaw. Chris would be in that class, too. I scowled slightly at the parchment and Marley noticed.

"What's wrong, Lily?" she asked. "Does your schedule have a mistake or something?"

"No, it's not that," I said, sliding my schedule in front of Marley with my index finger pointing to the double Potions. Pippa bent forward around the other side of me and Emilie leaned around Pippa's other side to look at what I was pointing to.

"Oh," Marley muttered and gave me an apologetic look. "Don't worry about it too much. You like Potions remember? Focus on that."

"What's going on?" Sirius whined. He was sitting across from Marley and he leaned over the table and snatched my schedule from her. He examined it and then looked up at all of our grave faces. "I don't see anything wrong here."

I grimaced. I didn't want to have to explain this out loud, especially in front of Potter.

"I'll tell you later, Sirius," I hissed quickly, hoping to change the subject. Potter's eyes flashed at the exchange between us. I wondered if he hadn't known Sirius and I were back on good terms.

"How about tomorrow night? We'll make it a date," he suggested, giving me a crooked smile giving and a small wink. I figured that meant he would be taking me to Hogsmeade tomorrow.

"Sure, that's fine Sirius," I said offhandedly as I examined the rest of my schedule. A loud crash made me look up. Pumpkin juice had spilled all over the table; apparently the pitcher in front of Potter had exploded somehow. He rose, wiping splatters of the juice off his hands.

"I'm going to see Holly," he snapped and strode away quickly to the Hufflepuff table.

"Shit," Sirius muttered as he quickly cleaned up the mess with his wand. "I'm gonna have to explain _that_ later."

"Sorry if I got you in trouble, Sirius," I apologized.

"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have phrased it like that," Sirius muttered picking up the shards of glass and putting them in an empty break basket.

"Still, I'm sorry. I should have just said it out loud," I muttered, picking up a piece of glass and placing it in the basket.

"Time to go to class, Lil," Emilie called the other side of Marley and we all started gathering our things. I caught a glimpse of Potter at the Hufflepuff table with his arm around Holly. She was a tall, thin girl with a pale face and bright blue eyes. I had never thought about her much. She didn't stand out in classes and I had always gotten the impression that she wasn't the brightest bulb in the shed. But she had always been pleasant to me, which made it hard to hate her now.

"So, can you tell me now? Or was Potter's presence the only reason you wouldn't say it out loud," Sirius jokingly elbowed me in the ribs as we walked down the hall to class and I scowled at him.

"Double Potions with Ravenclaw means Chris will be in that class…" I said wrinkling my nose and looking straight ahead.

"Oh," Sirius said looking forward. "But it's been a month. Would he still be so upset?"

"I think he might be," I confessed. "The breakup was more horrible than I've been telling everyone."

"How so?" Sirius asked curiously.

I glanced around me. Pippa, Marley, and Emilie were walking next to us. They of course knew how horrible it had been. I had spared everyone else the gory details. I turned my head slightly to the side so I could look behind me and saw that Potter and Holly were walking not too far behind us.

"I'll tell you about it tomorrow," I murmured to Sirius turning my head back towards him. "By date you did mean Hogsmeade, right?"

Sirius chuckled. "Yes, that's what I meant."

We reached the Charms classroom and walked in, taking care to choose our seats. Since fourth year when the Marauders and Clique finally made a truce and became friends they had begun sitting together in classes. Pippa always sat on my right side and usually Sirius sat on my left, unless of course we were in a fight. Marley and Emilie sat directly behind us with Remus and Peter on their left side behind Sirius and Potter.

Pippa and I took our seats in the third row of desks. We all hated sitting anywhere near the front because we had a tendency to pass notes.

Potter came in a few minutes after us and took his seat next to Sirius without saying a word. Sirius glanced over at me and winced playfully.

"Hey, James," Sirius said turning back to his friend. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier. That was out of line. Lily and I are just going to hang out, that's all," he explained. It struck me as odd that Sirius would even have to explain something like this, especially after what Potter told me last night about giving up. Why should any of this matter to him?

"No worries, mate," Potter shrugged, throwing Sirius a lopsided smile.

I turned away quickly, hoping to avoid any potential eye contact between Potter and I. Luckily Professor Flitwick entered the classroom at that moment and the lesson began, distracting me completely from my many unwanted thoughts.

Lunch was a painfully slow ordeal. I dreaded every second leading up to the first time I would see Chris in Potions. I barely ate. The Clique kept pushing food on me which I refused. I knew it was silly to dread seeing Chris like this. Things _had_ ended badly but I had moved on. I just wasn't so sure that he had…

Luckily Potter had decided to sit with Holly at lunch so my show of nervousness went unnoticed by him. Remus and Peter were still oblivious as to why I was anxious to see Chris again and Sirius was pretending like nothing was wrong. I was grateful for that. He had never been one to put up with my extreme bouts of anxiety.

Pippa had her arm linked through mine as we walked down the hall and she was chattering about some sixth year Hufflepuff that she thought was cute. I tried to pay attention but I couldn't. I knew Pippa was trying to distract me and I was thankful for her attempts but they weren't working.

We reached the Potions room in the dungeons right as Potter caught up with our group and started whispering something to Sirius who snickered. I cringed internally. Damn Potter.

Pippa's grip on my arm tightened as we entered the classroom and she steered us towards our usual seats on the left side of the classroom, farthest from the door. I kept my eyes down as we walked, afraid that I would see him.

"Hey Evans," I heard a painfully familiar voice call from behind me and I wrinkled my nose slightly before turning around.

Chris was leaning on a desk in front of his Ravenclaw friends, staring at me. He looked thinner. Much thinner. His blond hair had grown longer, too and shaggier. It wasn't combed neatly like it used to be and it fell messily around his thin face and into his usually warm brown eyes; they stared at me coldly now.

"Hi Chris," I said unevenly. I saw Sirius and Potter walk into the room at that point and Sirius abruptly stopped upon seeing Chris and I facing each other. Potter, not expecting him to stop, ran into him and cursed before he too froze as he took in the scene before him. It seemed like everyone in the room had suddenly stopped what they were doing to witness this first confrontation of Chris and I.

"Have a good summer?" Chris asked coldly, his eyes narrowing at me. I felt a twinge of guilt in my stomach and I swallowed hard.

"It was alright," I responded quietly. "How was yours?" I asked stupidly.

He stared at me incredulously for a second. "_My_ summer? It was wonderful, Lily. How do you _think_ it was?" He asked angrily, shoving away from the desk he was leaning on and taking a few threatening steps toward me.

"Chris, I—"

I was cut off as Professor Slughorn entered the room, walking right between us.

"Take your seats please!" He announced as he waddled up to the front of the room.

Pippa pulled me quickly to our table and I gratefully settled myself as far away from Chris as I could get.

Slughorn gave a brief introduction of the class and what we would be doing. As soon as he was done, he flicked his wand and instructions appeared on the board for our first potion of the year, a complicated memory altering potion. The class set to work, collecting ingredients and lighting fires beneath their cauldrons.

"Are you alright, Lily?" Pippa whispered as she set tiny flames beneath her cauldron. "That seemed kind of awful."

"I'm fine," I said quickly, lighting my own fire. "Nothing less than I expected."

"But he seemed so angry. _Still_." She muttered as we walked over to the cupboards to retrieve our ingredients.

"I know…" I said chewing on my bottom lip as I grabbed a small box of fairy wings for the two of us.

I stood up and turned around, bumping into someone as I did.

"Watch where you're going, _Evans_," Chris snapped as he walked past me.

I winced at the malice in his voice but made no reply and kept walking back to my table with Pippa on my tail.

I carefully toasted a handful of Doxy eggs with the tip of my wand and then used the side of my knife to crush them into a fine powder. Potions was another of my favorite subjects but as distracted as I was by Chris right now I _had_ to pay attention. Doxy eggs could be poisonous if handled wrong and the last thing I need right now was a trip to the hospital wing. I tipped my cutting board with the Doxy egg powder into the cauldron and watched as it turned a murky brown color.

I carefully opened the box of fairy wings and gently lifted out two of them, being very careful not to crush them. I dropped them into the potion and it immediately turned a translucent pale blue. After stirring three times clockwise and four times counter-clockwise I let the potion sit for a few minutes while I prepared the next ingredient. Beside me Pippa worked silently, mirroring my actions.

I was just placing the scurvy grass onto my cutting board to chop into exactly equal sections when someone knocked into me from behind, sending me forward. I caught myself on my hands, my nose almost touching the rim of my cauldron. I took a steadying breath before I wheeled around to scold whoever had just run into me. I froze at once when I saw it was Chris.

"_Sorry,_" he said raising his eyebrows at me.

"What is wrong with you, Chris? You could have knocked me into my cauldron. Do you have _any_ idea what would have happened if I had spilled this?" I burst angrily at him. I was vaguely aware that the rest of the Clique and the Marauders were watching us.

"Your memories would change a little. So what?" He said carelessly shrugging his shoulders. His eyes remained cold, fixed on my face.

"_So what_?" I nearly screamed. I had very little tolerance for people who weren't careful when potions were being prepared. I had read too many books on what _could_ occur with accidents such as the one that almost just happened. That plus my fiery temper sent me into a frenzy.

"At this point of the potion it wouldn't have altered any of my memories," I said, my voice shaking with anger. "It would have erased them completely. _All_ of them. I wouldn't even know my own name."

"Well in that case, maybe I should drink some," Chris said leaning forward to look into my cauldron at the steaming pale blue potion. "Then I could forget all the time I spent with _you."_

That one hurt. Even though I had broken up with him and was making progress moving on, I still cared for him. The corners of my eyes burned as tears started to form.

"Leave me alone, Chris," I spit the words at him and turned back to my cauldron so he wouldn't see the pools forming in my eyes.

"As you wish," he hissed in my ear. Painful memories, times when he used to do that lovingly, surfaced and my guilt consumed me. What if I had made a mistake? I quickly discarded that thought. He wasn't right for me and I knew it. His vicious behavior now proved that.

I felt him walk away and the Clique was immediately at my side, whispering comforting words to me.

"I'm fine," I insisted. "I need to finish my potion."

Reluctantly, Emilie and Marley went back to their table but they kept a wary eye on me. I glanced to the left of me and Sirius gave me a small encouraging smile. Potter was concentrating unusually hard on cutting his scurvy grass.

The burning in my eyes receded and I went back to concentrating on my potion.

* * *

_A/N: Hello lovelies! I hope you liked this chapter! So Lily's got a "date" with Sirius, James is mad, and Lily's had her first encounter with Chris. What did you think of Chris's reaction? Do you think we'll see more of him as the story goes on? And why was James so mad when Sirius mentioned hanging out with Lily? _

_Leave a review, I really appreciate all of them and I WILL respond as soon as I get more than like, 5 minutes off from work :)_


	13. Chapter 13 - Balancing Act

Chapter 13 - Balancing Act

Chris jumped out of his seat as soon as class was over and was out the door before I had even stood up. At least I wouldn't have any more classes with him until my Defense Against the Dark Arts class on Monday. Maybe he'll have cooled off by then. Hopefully.

I struggled to pay attention in History of Magic but my thoughts kept drifting. It was easy for my mind to wander in that class. Professor Binns had such a monotonous voice and the subject was dry. I found myself staring at the back of Potter's head, scribbling random words that I caught from the old ghost's lecture.

My mind was juggling two things. The first being my confrontation with Chris earlier, the second being my growing irritation with Potter. I had been hoping that, given some time, Chris would begin to get over us. I knew I had hurt him when I broke up with him, but I guess I had been expecting him to handle it a little more maturely.

As for Potter, I was at a loss as to where I stood with him. I couldn't continue to balance on this point between hating him and falling for him; it was disastrous for my temper. On the one hand, I couldn't let myself fall for him. It was pointless pursuing him at all if he had in fact given up on me, because I would just end up getting hurt. I couldn't willingly inflict that kind of pain on myself. But on the other hand, I did _not_ want to fall back into my old patterns of hating him. It could be different this time since he no longer had feelings for me; he might just leave me alone. But at the same time, hating Potter would set me back to the years when I wasn't even friends with Sirius or Remus. I wasn't sure I could let _them_ go so easily.

I chewed on the end of my quill, not noticing that Pippa had her black notebook out and was scribbling something inside. She elbowed me when I did not look at my own book and I quickly pulled out my own book with the elaborate gold "L" on the cover. I flipped quickly through several pages that were already full of notes and finally came to a note written in Pippa's loose script. It suggested that we have the first official Girl Talk of the year tonight.

I thought through this for a minute. It might be a good idea to let the Clique know what's going on in my head about Potter. Of course, this could also be a bad idea. They might try to push me one way or the other. I shouldn't underestimate them though; they had come through for me more than I admit. It would also be a good excuse to get out of the Heads Dorm for a bit. I sighed internally. It was only the second day of school and I had spent more time in the Gryffindor tower than my own room.

_I'm in_, I wrote in my messy scrawl. I saw Marley's and Emilie's distinguished scripts appear beneath my instantly, saying the same.

I still hadn't made up my mind on whether I would discuss my situation with Potter when I walked up the steps to the girls' dormitory later that night. It felt deceitful, keeping something like this from them. They were my best friends; they might be able to help me make up my mind. After all, who knew me better than the girls I had lived with for the past six years?

I opened the door without knocking tonight to find my friends in the same positions as I found them last night. Pippa was painting her toenails a dark red tonight, Emilie was still somehow pulling clothes out of her trunk to hang up, and Marley was flipping through her Transfiguration book.

"Hey Lils," Emilie greeted me with a smile as she appeared next to her bed.

I took my usual place on Pippa's bed next to her as she finished painting her nails and screwed the cap back on the bottle. Marley shut the book she was reading and sat up as Emilie sat down next to her.

"I have something I need to talk about," I said tentatively. Pippa furrowed her brow as she sat up straighter. She was obviously surprised I hadn't talked about this to her first as I usually did. A small concerned frown appeared on Marley's face and Emilie raised her eyebrows at me, surprised like Pippa. I didn't usually volunteer a topic of discussion at Girl Talk.

"Go ahead, Lily," Emilie said in her light soprano voice. "We're listening."

"Okay," I swallowed before continuing. I had no idea how they would receive this. "So you guys know how I broke up with Chris last summer and all that stuff that happened with Potter and I that last night of school."

"Yes, I believe you mentioned it…" Pippa smirked. Of course, I had gone into more detail of it with Pippa than with Emilie and Marley and I felt slightly guilty about that. We were all supposed to be equal in each other's eyes but I couldn't deny that I relied on Pippa more than the others, even though I tried not to.

"Well, I'm starting to think that those two events might be more related than I had originally planned…" I cringed at my own words. "I've been starting to notice some weird feelings when I'm around Potter. I don't think I like him, but I think I _could_ and I'm not sure if I want that…" I paused, trying to think of what to say next as my friends continued to stare at me with rapt attention.

"The way I see it, I have two options. Neither of them interest me that much, to be honest," I said shrugging casually. "The first is that I could go back to my former dislike of Potter and everything he does. The problem though, is that I run the risk of losing Sirius and Remus as well."

Pippa's eyes flashed at that and I quickly went on to option two. "Or I could let myself fall for Potter, which is just a horrible idea anyways. He told me a last night that he's with Holly now and after not hearing from me all summer, he's given up completely. So that would be pointless and I would just end up getting hurt. And I can't keep going like I am now. It's wreaking havoc on my temper because I can't decide whether I like him or hate him."

The girls stayed silent for a few minutes and I glanced around at them, waiting for someone to speak. Pippa was chewing on her bottom lip, her brow still furrowed in concentration. Marley was staring at me, measuring the expression on my face. Emilie was scratching her nose, staring out the window.

"Lily?" Marley's soft musical voice broke the silence. We all looked towards her. "I really don't think James has just given up on you."

My heartbeat quickened, just hearing the possibility. I waited for her to continue.

"I mean, think about it logically. He's been in love with you practically since the first time he saw you. I just can't believe he would stop liking you so suddenly. He might just be putting on a show, so you don't see how hurt he actually is that you rejected him last year. I mean, after six years of loving someone wouldn't you get tired of being so vulnerable all the time?"

I cringed at that, remembering how I felt after my argument with Potter last night. I knew what it was like to feel vulnerable. I couldn't even imagine what six years of that would be like. Maybe Marley had a point.

"So he may actually be _trying_ to get over you, Lily," Marley continued. "But I doubt he'll succeed. He still likes you. It's obvious. Especially after the way he acted at lunch when Sirius said you two were hanging out. If he had truly given up on you, he wouldn't have reacted like that."

"So what do I do?" I asked hopelessly. I wasn't so sure I was ready to fall for _Potter_ of all people. "He's with Holly."

"Well, you could start by being nice to him?" Emilie suggested, trying to suppress a smile.

"But he's so infuriating. Every time I try to be nice to him, something happens and I end up being mad at him again," I explained, clenching my fists. "I suppose I could try to be civil to him at rounds tonight. Though last night I kind of exploded and said we should do rounds separately…"

Pippa chuckled lightly and threw her arm around my shoulder, resting her head against me. "What are we going to do with you, Lily?"

"Don't put up with me. I'm too ridiculously fickle," I sighed resting my head on hers.

"But that's why we love you," Emilie said softly, moving to sit on the other side of me. "We want you to be happy. You know we liked Chris, but perhaps James would be better for you. You two are more similar than I think you realize. You know we'll stand by you whatever you decide."

Marley nodded and came to sit on her knees in front of us.

"I think this will work out, Lily," Marley said soothingly. "A lot of people have been waiting for this to happen. I don't think you'll have to wait long for Potter to fall back to you."

I smiled, despite my skepticism. In terms of love, I had always been a pessimist. I had been lucky to be with Chris for so long but my relationships before that had never lasted and I had always been the one with a broken heart.

I walked back to my own dormitory after we spent the rest of Girl Talk discussing my outing with Sirius tomorrow night and Marley's newest crush on a sixth year Ravenclaw by the name of Liam Lawson.

The common room was empty when I entered and I assumed Potter was in his room. It was getting close to time for patrol and I had decided, with the help of the Clique, to ask him if he wanted to do rounds together tonight. It was going against my better judgment to offer this olive branch to Potter, but if the Clique thought it would help, I had to try right?

I still had a few minutes before we needed to leave so I went into my room to make sure I looked okay. I combed my fingers through my wavy auburn hair, making sure there was no frizz and I dabbed on some mascara from a bottle that I hadn't opened in probably two years. It was an odd concept for me, making myself look nice for _Potter_. This was going to take a lot of getting used to. Maybe I'd be lucky and what I thought were feelings for Potter turned out to be something else, like a disease or an infection.

I glanced at the ornate gold clock hanging on my wall and saw that it was time for patrol so I went across the common room and knocked softly on Potter's door.

I heard a scuffle from inside and Potter appeared at the door, opening it only a crack. He looked surprised to see me there.

"Time for patrol," I offered softly.

"Shit," he muttered as he ran his hands through his messy black hair. "I forgot. I'll be just a minute. You can go ahead and get started."

"Um, actually I thought maybe we could do rounds together," I said through clenched teeth. I never thought I'd see the day when I actually _wanted_ to hang out with Potter. "I think I was a bit hasty last night…"

"Oh," he breathed, looking sincerely taken aback. "Um, well Holly was going to come with me tonight, but if you want to go togeth—"

"Jamie, is it time for rounds?" I heard a high breathy voice float to us from inside his room. My stomach clenched and I ground my teeth together. She was _in_ there? I couldn't have felt like more of an idiot.

"Uh, yeah" he called back turning his head to the side to talk to her. He looked back to me, an apology written plainly on his face.

My self control snapped and I drew in a ragged breath.

"Never mind," I said quickly as I turned to leave. "I'll go alone."

"Lily, wait—"

"Jamie, I'm ready. Let's go," Holly appeared at the door next to James. I didn't turn around as I strode out the door.

I walked quickly down the corridor, wanting to be out of the way when they left also. I was practically running when I finally turned onto a corridor on the south side of the castle where I had begun my patrol last night.

My head was still reeling with what just happened. I had tried to be nice, really. Like I told the Clique earlier, it was like every time I made an effort something happened to send us spinning off course again. It seemed like he was actually sorry that he couldn't go with me, thought I couldn't be sure. I mentally cursed Holly and her entire existence as I roamed the deserted halls.

I was getting extremely frustrated with myself and my stupid vulnerability in the common room and I needed to think about something else. I started counting each step I took down the corridors and I had almost reached nine hundred when I heard footsteps from around the next corner.

My heartbeat quickened and I held my breath. Other than finding a random couple in a broom closet, I had rarely come across anyone out this late at night. It had to be almost one o'clock by this time. I was at the south-most end of the castle. Potter shouldn't be anywhere near here. Unless it was a teacher, but why would they be out so late? I silently slipped my want out from within my robes and clutched it tightly in my right hand.

I rounded the corner slowly so as not to take whoever was there by surprise. I froze and lowered my wand when I saw who was standing in front of me.

* * *

_A/N: Hi Everyone! Busy, busy, busy, (and horrible) week but I found a couple minutes to update! I'd love to hear what you think! And sorry for the cliffhanger at the end, if I get a chance I'll try and update again this weekend!_

_As always, a HUGE thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far! It means so much! So make my crappy week a little bit better and leave some love :) _

_Cheers!_


	14. Chapter 14 - One More Thing

Chapter 14 - One More Thing to Think About

"Chris?" I asked, dumbfounded at finding him in a deserted hall after midnight.

He stopped abruptly. We were mere inches from each other and I quickly backed up, uncomfortable with the sudden proximity.

"Lily," He said, his voice startled and his brown eyes wide.

"Chris, what are you doing out so late? You need to get back to your dorm…" I said, trying to make my voice sound authoritative.

"I couldn't sleep," Chris said, his head dropping slightly as he turned away from me. "I came out for a walk."

"Oh," I said, taken aback by his answer. I was accustomed to dealing with students who were breaking more than just the curfew rule.

"Um," I stuttered, unsure of how to proceed from here. It felt strange, ordering Chris around.

He looked up at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue.

"You should probably go back to your dormitory," I said quietly, dropping my eyes to look at my shoes.

When he didn't respond, I looked up. He wasn't looking at me anymore, but gazing off down the corridor, a troubled expression on his face.

"Is…is everything alright, Chris?" I asked, dreading the answer.

He sighed and turned his face back to me. It was apparent from his appearance that he was sad, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear what he was sad about. I immediately regretted asking him. And then I felt bad about regretting it.

My stomach twisted with guilt at his sorrow and I couldn't shake the feeling that this was _my_ Chris standing there, looking so dejected. I wanted to comfort him, put my arms around him. It took a lot of self-control not to. I glued my hands to my side, but moved a few steps closer to him.

"Can I walk with you for a bit?" He asked his voice thick with emotion.

I nodded and started forward, Chris falling into step beside me.

"I'm sorry I was a complete git earlier in Potions. That won't happen again," he said quickly as we turned another corner, working our way back towards the center of the castle where I would end my rounds.

"Don't worry about it," I muttered, keeping my eyes straight ahead. I couldn't bear to see his face again.

"I shouldn't have let myself get out of control like that," he said, shaking his head.

"It's fine, Chris, really." I said trying to keep the sharpness out of my voice. I wished he would drop it. "You know how I am about potions. And of course you're familiar with my temper. It's partly my fault."

"You know, I never thought we'd be here," Chris mused, with a small humorless laugh.

I looked over at him bemused. "What are you talking about?"

"You and I," he let out a small sigh. "Acting like this around each other. I mean, look at you. Your hands are clenched into fists, you're incredibly tense, and you won't even look at me. I always knew there was a possibility that we would break up, but I guess I didn't expect it so soon."

I winced, biting my bottom lip. This conversation was turning uncomfortable.

"I'm not mad, Lily," he explained, seeing my tense expression. "I'm just… sad."

"I am too, Chris," I said softly, not looking up. "I know I may not act like it, but I am."

"That's good to hear," Chris said as we reached the cloisters on the outskirts of the castle. "Do you want to sit?"

I nodded mutely as he led me to one of the stone benches lining the edges of the grassy square.

"It's nice out tonight," I commented casually as a warm breeze fluttered lightly around us. I pulled my legs up underneath me on the bench, angling myself slightly towards Chris. It felt so natural to be sitting here with him. I knew it shouldn't, that I should try to avoid this at all costs because there was a chance of me falling for Chris again. But he looked so sad, and I couldn't leave now.

"Do you remember how we used to go up to the astronomy tower and watch the stars when it was clear?" Chris asked in a quiet, nostalgic voice.

"Uh huh," I said, as a lump formed in my throat. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was having trouble concentrating. Had I made a mistake breaking up with Chris? It felt so easy, sitting with him here. I was trying to remember the reason for breaking up with him in the first place, but I couldn't think of it.

"Can we… maybe—" Chris stuttered on the words. "Do you think we could be friends?"

I locked eyes with him, taken aback by his request. I thought he had been about to ask something different and couldn't tell if I was upset or relieved.

"Of course, Chris," I said, letting out a sigh. "I'd like that."

"So… what do friends talk about?" Chris laughed, leaning back on his hands.

"I don't know," I admitted, letting out a quiet laugh. "We could talk about Quidditch."

Chris let out a loud laugh. "Since when have you ever been interested in Quidditch."

I smiled at him. "Since never. I'm trying to find a conversation starter."

"Alright, fair enough," He returned my smile. "How do you like your classes so far?"

I rolled my eyes. "You don't have to ask me about school, Chris. You know that I'll never stop talking once I start."

"I like hearing you talk," he laughed quietly. I liked hearing him laugh, a much nicer change than the forlorn tone his voice had possessed earlier.

"Lily?" I voice asked from behind us and I jerked my head towards the sound.

Potter was standing in the arched stone doorway leading out to the courtyard, staring at Chris and I. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard?

"Chris, you should get back to your dorm," I said quietly to him as I stood up, smoothing down my skirt and adjusting my robes.

He nodded and swiftly swept around me and past Potter, heading back to the Ravenclaw dormitory.

I walked quickly towards Potter, feeling strangely nervous that Potter had caught Chris and I having an innocent conversation.

"Are you finished?" Potter asked acidly. I couldn't tell if he meant with rounds or with Chris.

"Yes," I said coldly walking past him on my way to the Gryffindor Tower.

"Lily, wait," Potter called and I heard his footsteps as he jogged to catch up to my quick pace.

I kept my face straight forward and picked up my pace even more.

"Lily, please slow down," Potter huffed as he ran up next to me.

"What?" I snapped, glaring at him as I slowed down slightly.

"What was going on back there?" he asked, curiosity burning in his voice.

"Why does it matter to _you_?" I asked him loftily, turning my face forward again.

"I'm just curious," Potter said lightly, obviously trying hard to sound like he didn't care either way. "It looked like you guys were having a conversation. You should have sent him to bed when you first came across him. Unless you _told_ him to meet you."

"I didn't tell him to meet me," I said, slowing down even more. "I ran into him in a corridor and he looked really sad… he asked if he could walk with me for a bit."

"Oh," Potter said, scratching his head.

"He apologized for Potions. He's kind of having a harder time with this than I am," I said quietly, looking down at my shoes again.

"Oh," Potter said again.

We had reached the common room and I quickly said the password, in a hurry to get to my room and go to bed. I was exhausted and I was still trying to sort out my thoughts, which were oddly revolving around Chris. The lump returned to my throat as images of our past filled my head. I glanced over at Potter's brooding face and instantly remembered the reason that I had broken up with Chris.

"Lily, is everything alright?" Potter asked when he saw my face. I wondered what my expression looked like.

"It's fine," I lied, trying to smooth my face into a more indifferent expression.

"I'm not buying that," he chided me, tugging on the sleeve of my robe and pulling me onto the couch next to him.

"I was supposed to _save_ him from getting hurt," I blurted out, the words spilling out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "Breaking up with him was supposed to save him from the possible hurt I could have caused when I—if I—"

I choked on my own words, stopping myself before I said anything else incriminating.

"Its just…this is harder than I thought it would be, the whole break up thing," I whispered, shaking my head sadly.

Potter stared at me blankly, and I reached both my hands up and yanked them through my hair, letting out an exasperated sigh.

"Where's Holly?" I asked suddenly, realizing her absence for the first time.

"I sent her back to her room when I finished rounds. I was looking for you," he explained, his voice tight with something I couldn't identify.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"I'm going to bed," He announced, standing up suddenly and walking swiftly to his room, leaving me sitting on the couch, even more confused than before.

* * *

_A/N: Bah, kind of a short chapter, sorry! I totally meant to update again last weekend but things got crazy and I ended up getting promoted at work! Anyways, I WILL try to post a second chapter sometime this weekend! Keep your eye out!_

_And thanks everyone for the feedback, it's so wonderful hearing from all of you! Leave a review!_


	15. Chapter 15 - Introducing Holly

Chapter 15 - Introducing Holly

My eyes fluttered open the next morning, confused by the bright light that was filtering through my window. It must be almost noon. I relaxed immediately when I remembered it was Saturday so I hadn't missed any classes.

I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, waiting for the lightheadedness of sitting up too fast to wear off. I stood up, wobbling slightly as I tried to steady myself, and made my way to my mirror. My hair was matted and sticking out in every direction. There were dark circles under my eyes from getting a bad night's sleep. Nothing a hot shower couldn't fix.

I threw on my dark green bathrobe over the black tank top and shorts I wore to bed and shuffled to the bathroom through the common room. I hopped in the shower quickly, combing the knots out of my hair, and then wrapped myself in a soft white towel after. I let my hair hang in wet strands down my back and reached up to grab my pajamas that I had hung on a hook next to the shower. What had James been thinking last night? He seemed so interested in what I had been doing with Chris. And then when he asked me if everything was all right and the way he looked…

I shook my head quickly. Stupid, stupid, Lily. He was with _Holly_ last night, remember? Stupid, stupid, stupid, stup—

"Lily?" I voice behind me startled me and I spun around to see James standing at the door to the bathroom.

"Sorry," he quickly looked away, seeing that I was only wearing a towel. "I didn't know you were in here."

"It's ok," I said lightly, trying to be friendly. "You can come in; I've got a towel on."

He looked up hesitantly at me, and walked the rest of the way into the bathroom. I slid past him, clothes in hand, to go change in my room.

"How are you?" He asked cautiously, still averting his eyes from me.

"Fine," I shrugged casually. I didn't want him to make a big deal of last night. I shouldn't have said anything about my breakup with Chris to him. What a dumb idea. What I really wanted was for him to forget anything he'd seen or heard.

"Are you sure?" he said unsurely, as his hazel eyes lifted to meet mine.

"I'm ok, really," I said evenly. "I appreciate your concern, but I really don't want to talk about it."

He nodded and I turned, pushing through the door to go to my room, my cheeks burning red with the fact that James Potter had just seen me in nothing but a towel.

I quickly changed into a dark pair of jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt. I was assembling my bag to head to the Gryffindor common room when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.

"Come in," I called over my shoulder and turned back to cramming my Transfiguration book into my bag.

"Hey," I heard James's voice say and I spun around immediately.

"Hi," I said, confused. This was the first time he'd been in my room. It was a strange notion, James Potter being in my room.

"Look, I know you said you didn't want to talk about it," he started, looking slightly nervous. "But I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"_You're_ sorry?" I asked incredulously. What was he talking about? "For what?"

"Well, I caught the gist of your…conversation with Chris last night," he looked up at me apologetic. I flinched slightly. "Breakups are hard, and I haven't exactly been the nicest person to you since we've been back."

I stared at him, at a loss for words, as he continued.

"Last year I said you shouldn't be with him. And now you're not and I've been a git anyways," he paused, his hand rising habitually to run through his hair. "Well, I'm sorry about that."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," I contradicted him and then hesitated. "James, I'd really like it if we could just…somehow…try to be friends."

He stared at me and raised his eyebrows.

"I'm not joking…" I said, confused by his silence. "Look, it just seems like every time we start getting along, something sends me off into a temper and then we end up hating each other again. I'd just kind of like to end the cycle, I guess."

James stared at me for another minute without saying anything.

"Ok, never mind" I muttered, grabbing my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. I started to walk towards my door, preparing to go around Potter if he didn't move. I had just maneuvered around him when he spoke, making me turn to face him.

"I'd like that, Lily," James said, his expression softening.

I spent the day with the Clique. I hadn't told them about last night. I was debating whether I wanted to or not. They were my best friends after all, they should know what's going on. Or I could leave out the part about Chris and just tell them that Potter and I are trying to be friends… I finally decided that if it didn't come up naturally, I would just let it go. Talking about it would just make the memories more clear, and that was something I did not want.

The day passed quickly and before too long we were heading to the Great Hall for dinner. The four of us sat at our usual spot in the very center of the table, Marley and I on one side and Pippa and Emilie across from us.

"Lily, you look exhausted," Emilie commented, scooping some potatoes onto her plate.

"I'm fine," I muttered, stabbing a few cooked carrots with my fork and dropping them onto my plate.

I yawned suddenly and Marley chuckled. "These midnight patrols are going to kill you, Lily."

I blanched slightly. "Very funny," I smirked at her. "I'll manage, though."

We were joined shortly by the Marauders and to everyone's surprise, including mine, James sat down next to me. I stared straight ahead at Pippa who was sitting across from me and jerked my head subtly in his direction. She gave me a small smile and shrugged.

Sirius was sitting across from James and gave him a strange look. All of us at the table were silent. This had never happened before. Never in the history of our time at Hogwarts had James and I ever sat next to each other _willingly_. Well, willingly on my part at least.

"So," Pippa said, breaking the silence. "What's everyone up to tonight?"

Everyone turned to stare at her. I glanced at Sirius fleetingly, warning him with my eyes not to mention anything of our plans to steal butterbeer from Hogsmeade. Remus and Peter mumbled something about Exploding Snap.

"Um, what _are_ we doing tonight?" Emilie asked, flipping her honey-colored hair over her shoulder.

"I thought maybe we would go down to the kitchens," Pippa said, trying to be subtle.

"Pippa _dear_, we can't go to the kitchens until tomorrow, remember?" I said through my teeth, my eyes flickering towards Sirius.

"Oh," she said, her eyes widening in comprehension. "I thought that's why you were so tired today…"

James's head snapped in my direction.

"Nope," I said quickly, shoving a carrot in my mouth. "Just late patrol."

James turned back to his food, a tiny smile on his face that I didn't understand.

"Do you guys have patrol tonight?" Emilie asked conversationally.

"No," James answered, glancing over at me. "We bullied the prefects into giving us Saturdays off."

_"I_ bullied them into giving us Saturdays off," I corrected him irritably. He looked over at me, his hazel eyes sparkling, and laughed.

Everyone stared at us like we had just grown an extra head. Pippa's eyes moved swiftly between us as her mouth opened in slight disbelief.

"This is beyond bizarre," She sighed, shaking her head. Sirius looked over at her, confused. She turned to meet his gaze.

"James and Lily are actually being civil to each other. I never thought I'd see the day," she shrugged and continued to shake her head.

"Come on, give them some credit. They're a bit more grown up now," Remus said, glancing between the two of us from the other side of Sirius.

"Whatever. It's still weird," Pippa smirked, winking at me.

James turned his head toward me, shaking his head as he laughed. "What are you up to tonight, Evans?"

It was an innocent question. And I had an innocent answer. I just wasn't sure what Potter's reaction to my innocent answer would be. I was still wary of our newly formed friendship. Any small thing could break it at this point.

"Um, I think Sirius and I are going to hang out..." I said carefully, making hesitant eye contact with him.

James's gaze flickered to Sirius and back to me.

"Yeah, I'm already behind in Charms and Lily agreed to help me," Sirius offered casually. "Nice of her to want to do homework on a Saturday…"

I cleared my throat lightly. "What are your plans for the night, Potter?"

James seemed to be lost in thought for the moment but quickly snapped out of it. "Huh? Oh, Holly and I are hanging out I think."

I chewed on my lip and turned back to my food, catching Emilie's eye as I turned. She shrugged and rolled her eyes.

"Hi Jamie!" A breathy soprano voice chimed from behind us. Marley and I turned in our seats to see a tall blond girl bending over between James and I with her hands over his eyes.

"Speak of the devil…" I muttered to Marley and she giggled behind her hand.

Pippa was rolling her eyes at Holly, who was trying to onto the bench between James and I. I took a deep breath and looked across the table at Sirius. He had his eyes toward the ceiling, muttering something under his breath. Looks like I wasn't the only one who didn't like Holly.

The thin girl next to me turned on the bench to face the Clique.

"Hi," she breathed in her high-pitched voice. "I'm Holly. I know who you all are, of course. But I don't think we've ever been properly introduced."

Pippa flashed a grin at me from across the table. I could tell she liked how Holly knew who we were, _of course_. If there was one thing Pippa absolutely loved, it was her popularity. She thrived on it.

Pippa smiled and leaned across the table lazily, extending her slender hand and perfectly manicured nails.

"Pippa Birch," she said, her voice dripping with self-importance. She clasped Holly's hand and let go quickly, settling back into her seat. We all knew this was just for show. Pippa was never so conceited in reality. It was obvious to us that she did not like Holly and I was grateful for that. We had an old tradition in the Clique dating back to our first year. We all believed wholly that first impressions counted the most and we occasionally ran into people that none of us had any interest in and rubbed us completely the wrong way. So when such introductions would occur, we had a habit of putting on airs, as some would say. We just couldn't resist acting our snobbiest. And apparently, this was one of those times. You can't beat the loyalty of best friends, can you?

Holly smiled unsurely at Pippa and glanced quickly at James who smiled encouragingly at her. I wanted to vomit.

"Emilie Quinn," Emilie leaned forward too, like Pippa, but acted supremely bored with the whole affair. Her deep blue eyes flitted to the ceiling impatiently and she gently shook Holly's dainty hand.

"Marley Marquette," Marley gave her a small smile, not bothering to lean around me. She stuck out her hand in front of me while examining a chipped fingernail on her other hand, not even looking at Holly who hesitantly shook her hand. Emilie swallowed a laugh at Marley's display. It was funny to us to see our nicest, most caring member acting the most aloof.

I turned towards Holly, putting on my nicest face.

"Holly, is it?" I asked innocently as I lifted a hand and placed it into hers. "Lily Evans," I smiled as I obviously swept my eyes up and down her, measuring her up.

Marley choked on her water next to me and keeping my eyes on Holly, I thumped her on the back.

My eyes flitted to Sirius who was stifling laughter into his fist and Remus was shaking his head at us, but smiling all the same. By now they were used to the various antics of the Clique.

"It's so nice to finally meet you all," Holly said in her breathless voice before turning back to James.

"Jamie, meet me outside my dorm at eight," she instructed him, tapping him on the tip of his nose lightly with her finger at she said the time.

He nodded and she kissed him on the nose where she had touched him. We all looked away with semi-disgust until we heard Holly walk away quickly toward the Hufflepuff table where her friends instantly swarmed around her.

We were all silent, gazing around at each other and seeing that we were all about to burst out laughing.

"What," James challenged us, looking around at everyone, his eyes resting on Sirius.

"Nothing," Sirius said innocently shoving a piece of potato into his mouth. "Jamie."

Marley snorted into her drink and Emilie turned to the side with her hand over her mouth. I small giggle escaped my lips and Pippa started laughing out loud.

"Oh shut up," James growled before a grin split onto his face and he joined in our laughter.

* * *

_A/N: Hi again everyone! Look at that, I actually updated again when I said I would! Anyways, Thanks SO much for all your wonderful reviews for the last chapter! That always help remind me to post :)_

_Anyways, what did you think of this chapter? Did you like the way the girls introduced themselves to Holly? Sirius and Lily are going to Hogsmeade, how do you think that will turn out? Is James jealous? And I PROMISE the books are coming soon, never fear!_

_Leave a review :) _


	16. Chapter 16 - The Tunnel

Chapter 16 - The Tunnel

I was sitting on the couch in the Heads' dorm flipping through my Charms book and twirling my wand around absentmindedly with my left hand. Dinner had ended a while ago and since I had spent the whole day with the Clique I decided that I needed some peace and quiet before going out with Sirius.

The portrait hole swung open then—so much for peace and quiet—and I heard two sets of footsteps enter. I looked up from my book to see James towing Holly by the hand. She was giggling about something and he had a goofy smile plastered on his face.

"Oh!" Holly gasped, noticing me on the couch. "Hi, Lily. We didn't see you there."

I gave her a vacant stare and turned the corner of my lips up into what I hoped was a smile. _Stupid, Hufflepuff, blond, Barbie—_

"I thought you were, uh, studying with Sirius tonight?" James asked distractedly as Holly played with his fingers.

"He's coming by in a little bit. I told him the password, I hope that's ok. The Clique knows too," I said quickly, hoping he was too distracted by Holly to notice that I gave our password to all of our friends.

"Huh? Oh, that's fine," he said, not paying attention to me at all. Holly was tugging on his arm, pulling him towards his room and he obediently followed, closing the door behind him.

I wrinkled my nose and jumped off the couch, unable to sit still any longer. I started pacing, wrapping my arms wrapped around my stomach to stop the uneasy feeling that came every time I saw James and Holly together.

The portrait hole swung open again and I sighed in relief as Sirius entered, a large bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hi, Sirius!" I said, my voice saturated with my already obvious relief.

"Wow, you seem really glad to see me," Sirius said, dropping his bag on the couch and raising his eyebrows at me.

"James and Holly just came in," I explained, wrinkling my nose in disgust again.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Sirius said patting my on the shoulder in sympathy. "I actually need to talk to Prongs real quick. Do you think it's safe to go in?"

I glanced toward Potter's door and back to Sirius.

"I have no clue…" I said honestly. "I don't actually know what goes on in there. And I really don't want to find out."

Sirius took a deep breath and crossed the room to James's door, knocking swiftly and loudly. He quickly slapped his right hand over his eyes as if he were expecting James to answer the door naked. The door opened a crack and Potter's face appeared.

"What?" James hissed at his friend. Obviously he was in the middle of something…

"Sorry to bother you," Sirius said, offended, with still with his hand over his eyes.. "But can I ask you for a huge favor?"

Potter deliberated for a moment before nodding. "Of course. Whatever you want, mate. For god's sake, Sirius, I'm not naked."

Sirius dropped his hand and bent forward to whisper something to Potter. I couldn't hear from my place in front of the sofa but I watched as James's eyes narrowed in confusion. His gaze flickered to me and back to Sirius so quickly I couldn't be sure it actually happened.

"Why do you need it?" Potter asked, his voice still a whisper but I caught the words this time.

"I'll tell you later," Sirius whispered, and James's eyes flickered to my face again.

James was silent for a moment, thinking. His eyes started roaming towards me again but he caught himself and instead he nodded to Sirius. "Sure, hold on just a minute."

He disappeared into his room briefly and came back, sticking a canvas bag through the crack.

"Just make sure I get it back at some point," Potter muttered and closed the door.

Sirius strode back to the couch and tucked the canvas bag into his bigger backpack.

"What's that?" I asked curiously, eying the bag as it disappeared into Sirius's.

"I'll show you later," he said quickly, swinging the bag onto one shoulder. "Shall we?"

I nodded, still eying his bag.

"Should I bring anything? A bag, I mean? You know, for the butterbeer?" I asked.

"Nah," Sirius said, adjusting the bag on his shoulder. "I have everything we'll need."

We walked out of the dorm and Sirius led me down to the third floor, stopping in front of an ugly statue of a humpbacked witch that I had never noticed before. Sirius looked around us quickly and, making sure we were alone, he took out his wand.

"_Dissendium," _Sirius muttered, tapping his wand on the hump of the witch. I watched in amazement as a passageway materialized before my eyes. After six years in the magical world, stuff like this still didn't cease to amaze me. I doubted whether I'd ever get used to it.

Sirius tugged on the sleeve of my shirt, pulling me behind him into the passageway as it quickly started to close.

It was pitch black in the small passage after the door closed and I illuminated my wand immediately.

"Where are we, Sirius? I had no idea about this passageway," I said, gazing around me at the cobwebs covering the small stone tunnel we were in.

"P-Pippa knows about this one, I'm surprised she didn't tell you," Sirius said as we started moving forward. I didn't miss the way his voice stumbled around Pippa's name.

"Me too," I mused, concentrating on not tripping on the loose stone beneath my feet. I was trying not to brush against any of the cobwebs but after a few steps of struggling, I gave up and let them tangle into my hair and clothes. "Where will this take us?"

"To Honeydukes. I figured we could sneak out pretty easily and go to the Hog's Head. They don't get much business so they won't miss a crate of butterbeer," Sirius explained.

I didn't respond. I didn't like the idea of stealing, but I would do anything to make Pippa happy and if this was what she needed in order to get the books out, then that's what I'd do.

"So can you tell me now about Penley?" Sirius asked, trying to sound casual but I could hear the burning curiosity in his voice.

I winced at the mention of Chris, my head spinning at the memories of our strange conversation last night. Could it have only been last night? It seemed like ages ago now.

"Well, Sirius. I told you that we broke up right?" I started, pulling on a strand of my long red hair. "It didn't exactly end well. He was really mad actually. I won't repeat the things he said—they were really bad—but he took it really hard. Harder than I thought he would, to be honest. It was hard for me too, to hurt him like that. Especially when the whole point of breaking up with him was because I _didn't_ want to end up hurting him if—"

"if what?" Sirius interrupted, his curiosity getting the better of him.

I sighed. What was the point of keeping this from Sirius? I trusted him as one of my best friends now. After all, I'd told the Clique all this anyways. I felt bad keeping it from Sirius.

"If I ended up," I swallowed hard, "falling for Potter."

Sirius stopped abruptly and spun around to face me. "Are you serious?

"Maybe a little," I said wincing.

"Merlin's beard," he breathed. "You broke up with Chris to be with James?"

"Well, not exactly," I explained, visibly flinching at his assumption. "I still didn't know how I felt about Potter at that point. It was only a few weeks after we kissed and that kind of set it off, I guess. It was enough to make me question Chris, at least. I didn't want to hurt Chris by staying with him when I had feelings for someone else. But I also didn't want to hurt Potter, and in effect, the rest of the Marauders too. I guess I ended up kind of hurting everyone."

"No one blames you, Lily," Sirius said softly, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. "We figured it would be hard for you, too. But when we only heard was James's side of things, it was hard to sympathize with you."

"I figured," I sighed. "Well, I tried not to think about it all summer, and I only talked with the Clique about it once or twice. Anyways, I thought if I tried to be nice to him when we got back to school, things would settle themselves and I would be able to figure out if I liked him or not."

"And? Do you?" Sirius prodded. We were still stopped in the tunnel and I poked him in the back to get him moving again.

"Well, I was trying to be nice to him at first and then I found out that he was dating Holly and it pushed me over the edge a little," I admitted. "So I was a bit cold to him after that and he was being _such_ a git to me and we got into a fight during our first night of patrol. He told me he had given up on me," I said sadly.

"He _what?!"_ Sirius stopped without warning again and I ran into him. He spun around to face me, his silver eyes wild.

"He said he spent weeks trying to figure out what happened that night before school let out and then he finally just gave up," I said evenly, trying to control my voice so Sirius wouldn't hear how much I was actually hurt by this.

He shook his head in disbelief. "Lily, there's no way he's given up on you. He's as crazy about you as ever. I mean the way he was looking at you tonight at dinner proves it, let alone the thousands of other times he stares at you during class."

"He's with Holly, Sirius," I said, trying hard not to believe what he just told me. "So I talked to the Clique about it again, and I told them exactly how I was feeling about this and—"

"And?" Sirius prodded again.

I glared at him for a moment before hesitantly continuing. "And I think I may be falling for him…"

"_Damn_," Sirius smiled, his silver eyes twinkling. "Never thought I'd hear you say that, Evans."

"Please don't say anything to him, Sirius. He _can't_ know that I like him, even if it's just a little," I said seriously, staring straight into Sirius's exuberant eyes.

"Why the hell not? You have no idea how happy he'd be if he found out you like him," Sirius turned and began walking again.

"He's with Holly," I reminded him. "But there's something else I need to tell you."

"I'm listening," Sirius said, not looking back.

I took a deep breath and launched into the story of what happened last night with Chris. Sirius listened without interruption for once until I was finished and he let out a string of curses, making me start.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me," Sirius growled angrily. "So he's completely ok with _just _being friends with you?"

"Sirius, calm down," I said quickly. "He was still upset and you know, I still do have some feelings for him. I couldn't hurt him by saying that I didn't want to be friends, even if I don't think it's the best idea."

"Hmm," Sirius murmured. "You know, Lily. 'Just friends' sometimes means different things for guys and girls."

I let out an impatient sigh as Sirius continued. "Just promise me you'll be careful ok? He was pretty upset the other morning. I really doubt he's calmed down as much as he appeared."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked, confused.

"I'm just saying… watch out for yourself. He might be trying to play you," Sirius said carefully, gauging my reaction. I stiffened slightly but shrugged it off and continued with what happened this morning.

"Well anyways, this morning James and I kind of agreed to try to be friends," I concluded.

Sirius stopped walking too and turned around to face me again.

"What?" I asked as he looked at me with a huge grin on his face.

"This is all going to be way too hard to keep from James," he said shaking his head as he chuckled.

"Sirius, don't you dare," I warned him, pointing my glowing wand at his face.

"No worries," he said still chuckling as he turned to keep walking.

"This is a serious problem, though!" I exclaimed as I followed him. "I can't like Potter. I swore to myself when I was eleven that I never would!"

"Lily, that was six years ago," Sirius said and I could hear that he was amused by this.

"But still, this goes against all my normal standards," I complained uselessly.

"So what? Your old standards didn't work out too well for you," Sirius pointed out.

"That's true," I muttered, gazing down at my feet again to watch my step.

"You don't know how lucky you are, Lily," Sirius said, as the path started to ascend. "If I had someone who liked me half as much as James likes you…"

I cleared my throat a little, but kept my eyes down.

"What?" Sirius asked, turning his head slightly to see me while he kept walking up the slight incline.

"Nothing," I said, keeping my voice void of any emotion. Pippa might literally kill me if I ever said anything to Sirius.

"Hmm, I don't believe you," Sirius said, obviously trying to keep his voice casual.

"Really, Sirius, I was just clearing my throat," I said innocently.

He glanced back at me skeptically but turned back around because we'd reached the end of the tunnel. Above us was a wooden trap door with weak rays of light leaking through the cracks.

Sirius swung the backpack from his shoulder and pulled the canvas bag out from inside it. I leaned forward anxiously, curious to see what Sirius had borrowed from Potter. He pulled out along silvery cloak. I reached forward to touch it and it felt like liquid beneath my fingers.

"Is this—" I began but Sirius interrupted me again.

"An invisibility cloak," he finished for me as I watched the folds of shimmering material fall to the ground.

"Incredible," I breathed, running the fabric over in my hands. "I've never seen anything like this. It's Potter's?"

"He inherited it from his father," Sirius explained as he shoved his backpack into my outstretched hands. "I'll go up first and put the cloak on. Then toss me the bag, and I'll help you up."

I nodded and Sirius cracked the trapdoor letting dusty, low light filter through the crack. When he saw that no one was in the store room, he carefully opened the door the rest of the way and hoisted himself up. I waited for a few seconds as he put the cloak on and he signaled for me to toss him the bag. I saw him reach both hands down just above the trap door for me to grab onto and I took his hands in mine. His grip was strong and I was surprised that he was able to pull me easily through the square hole. He threw one side of the cloak around me and we had to stand very close to each other for the cloak to cover the both of us. I guessed that it was normally meant for only one person to use at a time.

"Okay," Sirius breathed as he hooked the bag on his shoulder again. "It's pretty late, so most things should be closed. But it's also a Saturday night so the bars will be open. We'll have to be careful outside that we don't bump into anyone."

I nodded in understanding and we started walking slowly, carefully towards the door.

* * *

_A/N: Woohoo next chapter is up! So Sirius and Lily are in Hogsmeade, do you think anything will go wrong? Will they get caught? Lily admitted to Sirius that she likes James... do you think he'll tell? _

_So not in the next chapter, but the one after that, Chapter 18, the books will be released (finally). So we're getting close to the REAL plot! _

_I'm loving all the feedback! Keep it coming! Leave a review :)_


	17. Chapter 17 - Completely Unnecessary

Chapter 17 - Completely Unnecessary 

We walked swiftly down the mostly empty street. It was almost one in the morning but inside the various bars, the lights were on and we could hear the steady chatter of people enjoying drinks. We made it down to the end of the street with ease and found ourselves standing outside a run down building with dirty windows and a shabby sign reading "The Hog's Head".

Sirius guided us around to the back where we found a wooden door.

"We should find the butterbeer in here. We'll only need one case." Sirius reached his hand out, the cloak falling away as he did. The doorknob didn't turn when he tried so he pulled his wand from his back pocket and muttered "_alohamora" _under his breath. He tried to door again but it still didn't budge.

He looked over at me. "A little help?" he whispered.

"Some Marauder you are," I grumbled as I ran my fingers down the door, bumping into something bolted to the wood. I looked closer, not able to see much in the dark. We'd had to put out our wands when we walked down the street so as not to attract attention.

"It's a lock," I said surprised. I hadn't expected to see a muggle device like this in a place like Hogsmeade.

"What do we do?" Sirius asked helplessly.

I had to laugh at him a little. I took out my wand and pointed it at the thick metal lock. "_Confringo_," I hissed and we watched as the curved metal bar at the top of the lock broke apart with a soft crunching sound.

"You really are the smartest witch I've ever met," Sirius breathed, shaking his head.

I blushed slightly at the compliment. "Remind me to fix that when we leave, though" I whispered to Sirius as I pulled the door open slowly.

We drifted through the door into the back room. There was some light filtering from a crack at the bottom of the door at the far end of the room leading to the bar. It was just enough for us to see where we were going.

A sudden noise from just outside the door startled me, making me jump. Sirius quickly grabbed my arm and jerked me back toward the closest wall. A shadow appeared on the floor by the door and I quickly reached my hand out to close the back door so as not to raise suspicion. Sirius pulled me back quickly as a figure appeared through the smoky light. I held my breath and stayed as still as I could as we watched the dark figure move towards us. My heart was beating wildly in my chest and I was afraid it would give us away. The figure veered to the right suddenly and picked up a box from the floor. I let out a long sigh as the dark shape disappeared into the front room again.

Sirius peeled himself from the wall with me close behind and we moved by a stack of boxes in the corner of the room. He slipped the bag from his shoulder and silently handed it to me. I quickly opened it and held it out for Sirius. He quietly picked up one of the smaller crates and gently wiggled it into the bag.

"Will it fit?" I asked incredulously, forgetting for a moment that I was living in a world of magic.

Sirius chuckled as he closed the bag quickly and we moved silently to the door. I breathed more easily once we were outside and I turned back to the door as I closed it. I held the heavy lock in my hand, looping it through the metal piece on the door. I pulled out my wand again and muttered "_reparo_". I watched as the metal pieces welded themselves together again in a quick flash of light.

I hugged the cloak closer to me as we hurried quickly down the empty street under the dim light of the lamps hanging outside of the shops. We made our way quietly around to the back of Honeydukes, magically locking the door behind us.

"How do you know so many spells?" Sirius asked once we were on our way through the dark tunnel leading back to school. He pulled the cloak off of us and stuffed it into the back with the Butterbeer. "I mean, we haven't even learned half the spells you seem to know."

"I read a lot," I said blushing slightly.

"But why? I mean, don't you get enough from our school books?"

"Let me put it like this," I said, pausing to think. "I grew up as a muggle, never thinking that magic actually existed. I _still_ sometimes don't believe half the things I see here. It's completely surreal all the time and it's fascinating to me. I can't get enough. And the more I learn, the more I _want_ to learn."

"You're insane, you know that?" Sirius let out a bark of a laugh as he clapped me on my shoulder.

"Don't make fun," I chided playfully.

We reached the end of the tunnel after some more mindless conversation and I climbed out from behind the statue of the witch with Sirius on my heels.

"Do you want me to carry that?" I asked, pointing to the bag handing from Sirius's shoulder.

"It's heavy," he said eying me skeptically.

"I can handle it," I said shrugging. "Plus if someone catches us they'd never suspect me since I'm Head Girl."

"Good point," Sirius said, his eyebrows knitting together. He handed me his bag, which was admittedly heavier than I thought it would be.

We walked quickly towards the Gryffindor tower. I was planning on stashing the butterbeer in the Clique's dorm until we went down to the kitchens.

"Woah, hold up," Sirius whispered suddenly throwing an arm out in front of me, causing me to stop. "I think I hear someone coming."

"Sirius, get the cloak," I hissed, panicked. "It's almost two in the morning. Even if I had patrol tonight I shouldn't be out this late."

"I think it's stuck. I can't get it out," Sirius hissed, and I felt the backpack jerk wildly as he tried to pull it out.

Shit," I whispered frantically. "We shouldn't have done this. This was _such_ a bad idea. I'm going to be demoted!"

"Shut up, Lily. Follow my lead," he whispered in my ear quickly scanned the hall, looking for a place to hide I assumed. I could hear the sound of footsteps coming swiftly closer and he turned toward quickly me and pressed me up against the closest wall, snaking his arms around my waist in a tight embrace. "Set the bag down…and for Merlin's sake stay calm."

I could feel Sirius's breath on my face as I gently set the bag full of butterbeer on the floor next to my feet. The footsteps sounded like they were just around the corner. My heart was racing; I doubted I would ever get over the anxiety of running into people unexpectedly late at night.

"Lily," Sirius whispered sharply, reaching up with one hand to jerk my face away from the corner where the sound was coming from and turning it so that I was merely inches from his own face. My eyes focused sharply on Sirius and he leaned into me, pressing his lips against mine.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, pulling my face away from his angrily.

"Trust me," he breathed before crushing his lips against mine again. His grip was tight around me and I gave in, helplessly winding my arms around his neck as I let him continue kissing me. I was surprised at how, even through the panic I was feeling for getting caught, I noticed that Sirius was a _very_ good kisser. I began to understand a little of why Pippa was so attracted to him. He _did _have a certain charm about him.

"Oh, my!" a voice gasped, the footsteps coming to a halt.

"Mr. Black!" A sharp, shrill voice boomed from in front of us. _Damn! _McGonagall.

Sirius pulled his lips away from mine, keeping his arms around my waist, and turned a sheepish face toward our professor.

"Miss Evans?" Professor McGonagall gasped as she recognized my face that had just moments ago, been participating in a rather passionate embrace.

"What on _earth_ are you two doing out so late?" She reprimanded us in a harsh voice. "This is completely unacceptable behavior."

Sirius loosened his grip around me and turned full face to the professor.

"I'm so sorry, Professor," he apologized, his face the epitome of remorse. "We were just looking for some privacy. We didn't realize how late it was."

I stared at him while he gave his perfectly cool excuse, unable to speak at all for myself.

"Mr. Black, I expect this kind of behavior from you but I'm surprised to see _you_ here, Miss Evans," McGonagall turned a sharp eye to me and I felt a warm blush spread over my cheeks. I was still slightly breathless, but I tried to put on a calm face.

"I'm so sorry, Professor," I said, trying my best to look ashamed. "But it's just that Sirius and I hadn't seen each other all summer and this is the first moment we've gotten to ourselves and—I'm sorry, there's no excuse for our behavior."

Professor McGonagall looked completely taken aback by my confession that Sirius and I were _together._

"I didn't realize—" She whispered, her eyes sweeping between the two of us. She quickly recovered herself. "It is still unacceptable. I expected better from you Miss Evans. Ten points each from Gryffindor. Don't let me catch you out again this late. Back to your dorms. Immediately!"

She watched sternly as Sirius gently swept his bag onto his shoulder, being very careful to avoid jostling the contents inside. He grabbed my hand in his, entwining our fingers, and pulled me away down the hall with McGonagall watching us until we turned the corner at the end of the hall.

As soon as we were out of sight I wrenched my hand from his.

"That was completely unnecessary," I huffed angrily. "I could have just told her I had been tipped off about a student out of bed or something. Now she thinks we're _together_."

"And what would my excuse have been? And how would you have explained the bag? This way she was too busy getting the image of us snogging out of her head to even notice anything else," Sirius explained, a goofy grin plastered across his face.

"You sound like you've done this before," I accused, trying to ignore that he made several good points.

"I've learned it's the best method for getting out of trouble. Nothing's more awkward than interrupting an _intimate_ moment. They're usually too embarrassed to give out any real punishments. And besides, I believe it was _your_ idea to tell her we were together," Sirius pointed out smugly.

"Everyone knows I don't go off and snog random people, Sirius. It would have been suspicious," I said, mentally kicking myself for not coming up with a better excuse as to why Sirius and I had been kissing.

"Still, who doesn't have a soft spot for young love?" Sirius chuckled, throwing his free arm casually around my shoulder. "You're a very nice kisser, did you know that?"

"No, I've never kissed myself, Sirius. How on earth would I have known that?" I growled, but pleased all the same. "You're not that bad, either, I suppose," I added lightly.

"Is that right?" He flashed me a cocky smile.

"Oh, shut up," I laughed, playfully elbowing him in the ribs. I suddenly thought of something that made me stop laughing immediately.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked, noting my sudden change in mood.

I turned a serious face to him. "We can't tell anyone what happened here, even if it didn't mean anything and was only a ploy to get us out of trouble."

"I hadn't really planned on telling anyone," Sirius said, confused. "But why should it matter? It was completely innocent."

"Just—if it got out that we'd been snogging… well I don't think Pip—Potter would be too happy," I quickly corrected myself, hoping he didn't catch it.

"Oh," Sirius said, his face falling slightly. "I didn't think of that. You're right, though. No worries, we'll keep this just between us."

"Thanks, Sirius," I sighed as we stopped in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. Sirius gave the password and I followed him through the portrait hole.

"So are you ever going to tell me exactly what you guys are doing?" Sirius asked as he set his bag on the table in the corner of the common room.

I smirked at him. "You'll find out in a few days, I promise."

He rolled his eyes and pulled the crate out of his bag, sliding it across the table towards me.

"Thanks for helping me, Sirius," I said levitating the crate with my wand so that I could get it up the stairs more easily.

"Anytime," he shrugged, trying to stifle a yawn with his fist. "I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow, Lily."

I said goodnight and carefully guided the wooden crate up the stairs to the Clique's room. I nudged the door open quietly. It looked like they were all sleeping so I lowered the crate onto the floor at the end of Pippa's bed. I closed the door gently and hurried back to my dorm, exhausted once again from the night's events.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry I didn't update last night like usual, but I had to work late and just didn't get a chance. But never fear the new chapter is here! So what did you think? _

_Next chapter the books come out! Any predictions?_

_Leave a review :)_


	18. Chapter 18 - The Secret's Out

KEY FOR THE BOOKS: **Pippa (bold),** _Marley (Italics)_, _**Emilie (italic bold)**_, Lily (normal)

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Chapter 18 - The Secret's Out

"Lily Evans, _wake up!_"

My eyes flew open as I heard a piercing voice break the silence in the early morning.

"What the _bloody hell_ are you all doing in our dorm?" I heard James's angry voice echoing from the common room followed by several high pitched giggles and light footsteps fluttering towards my door.

I quickly jumped out of bed and threw on my robe, hurrying to get to my door before Pippa did.

I flung it open, my hair blowing wildly with the breeze that came with the action.

"What _are_ you doing here?" I asked groggily. James was standing in his door, in an old t-shirt and plaid pajama pants. His hair was, if possible, even more untidy than usual. He was without his glasses, and squinting into the bright morning light that was filtering in through the window brightly; however it was still low in the sky. It couldn't have been later than seven in the morning.

Pippa, Emilie, and Marley barreled towards me, a large brown crate clutched tightly in Emilie's hands. Pippa's school trunk was floating casually behind them.

"Put on your shoes! We're going to the kitchens!" Pippa cried happily, her face beaming with excitement.

"Pip, it's early. I've only had like, four hours of sleep." I yawned. I saw Potter glance at me questioningly but I ignored him.

"What is going on here?" James asked his voice cracking slightly as he rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Come on," Emilie urged, putting the crate down and grabbing my arm, pulling me towards the door. She reached her wand behind us and quickly levitated the crate. It zoomed after us along with the trunk as we stumbled out of the common room leaving James staring after us.

The Clique pulled me down the empty corridors, my bare feet slapping against the cold stones as we walked quickly. The crate and trunk continued to follow closely behind us.

"Can we slow down a little? I'm exhausted," I panted as we rounded a corner.

"No way," Pippa laughed lightly as she slowed a little nonetheless. "I woke up early and found the crate in front of my bed and I wanted to get everything to the house elves before everyone else was up. This way, if we're lucky, people will have the books by tomorrow morning."

"You are way too obsessed with this whole thing," I laughed shakily as we rounded another corner and stopped in front of the portrait of a bowl of fruit. Marley lightly tickled the canvas where the pear was painted and after a quiet giggle, the portrait swung open and we hurried inside.

We stopped just inside the portrait hole and felt the painting close behind us. Emilie lowered the crate and trunk with her wand to the floor as we stared at the bustling kitchens. There were house elves weaving through each other, covering every space of the vast kitchen.

Pippa crouched down and pulled one of the scurrying house elves over to us by the arm.

"Please, Miss, Sweetie needs to get these towels to the bathrooms," the tiny elf squeaked, holding up the stack of white towels she was holding in her thin arms.

"Sweetie, I need you to do me a big favor," Pippa said kindly, gently lifting the towels from her hands and handing them to me.

"What does Miss need?" the elf asked quickly, her eyes growing even larger than they were before. I swept my eyes over the small elf, taking in her appearance. She was wearing what looked like a seat cushion cover with arm holes. It had a sunflower pattern and a few round brown buttons held loosely on with thread.

"We have these books that need to go to all the students," Pippa said, opening her trunk a crack and pulling out one of the books. The elf took the book and turned it over in her small hands. "Could you put one on each student's bed?"

"Sweetie is not sure if she is allowed to do this, Miss," Sweetie admitted warily. "It might get Sweetie in trouble…"

"You won't get in trouble, Sweetie," Pippa soothed her. "Some of your friends could help you, perhaps. I have something for you."

Pippa pulled the crate forward and nudged it towards Sweetie who eyed it curiously.

"Go ahead and open it, Sweetie," I suggested, bending down to Pippa's level.

Sweetie stuck her fingers under the lid and pulled. The lid came off easily revealing twenty bottles of butterbeer inside. Sweetie's eyes grew even larger as she counted the bottles.

"You brought Sweetie butterbeer?" she asked quietly, running her small fingers over the caps of the bottles. "Sweetie _loves_ butterbeer."

"Yes," Pippa smiled. "This is yours if you'll make sure each student gets a book."

"Sweetie will do that," she nodded, not taking her eyes off the rows of bottles.

"Thank you," Pippa said. "When you've finished, could you bring back my trunk? Or I could come get it tomorrow if you prefer."

"Miss is asking what Sweetie prefers," Sweetie mused shaking her head, her large ears flopping from side to side. "Sweetie will bring back your trunk."

"Thank you, Sweetie," Pippa repeated, backing out of the kitchen. The portrait closed behind us and we walked back down the empty halls towards our dorms.

"That was easier than I thought," Pippa smirked.

"Uh huh," I agreed, stifling a yawn. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed. I was out until after two getting that butterbeer."

"Oh, that's right! I'm so sorry, Lily," Pippa apologized lightly.

"Did you have fun with Sirius last night?" Emilie giggled as we continued walking.

I blanched slightly with the memories of last night. I hoped Pippa didn't see that. That was something I definitely _would not_ tell any of the Clique.

"It was fine," I said lightly, trying to keep my voice sounding casual. "He took me through a tunnel leading to the Honeydukes cellar and from there we went to the Hog's Head and took the crate. The tunnel was long though, we ended up having a pretty good conversation."

"What did you talk about?" Pippa asked quickly, her voice burning with curiosity and what I thought might be jealousy.

"Mostly Potter," I admitted, ducking my head.

"Ooh, what did Sirius say about that?" Emilie questioned me, looping her arm through mine as we walked.

"Nothing really, I was just filling him in," I said, noticing that Pippa flashed me a confused look. She was probably wondering _why_ I felt like I needed to fill Sirius in on anything. I wondered how she would react if I told her that I considered Sirius as one of my best friends. Or how she's react if I told her I snogged him…woah, can't tell her that, remember?

"Come on, Lily, We're not buying that," Marley chided, nudging me in the side. "Sirius knows James like we know each other. He _must_ know what's going on with him."

I hesitated. Repeating what Sirius had said would force me to believe it even more. I couldn't afford to get my hopes up about this. And after my conversation with Chris I was even more confused than before. I had no clue what I wanted anymore.

"Sirius said he didn't think Potter had given up," I admitted warily, bracing myself for their reaction.

"Of _course_ he hasn't given up, Lily," Emilie said, ever the optimist.

I gritted my teeth. I would_ not_ let myself get my hopes up. _He's with Holly, he's with Holly, he's with—_

"Lily, didn't you want to go back to sleep?" Marley's voice pulled me from my mantra and I noticed that we were in front of my dorm.

"Oh, yeah," I mumbled, unhooking my arm from Emilie. "I'll meet you guys for lunch later."

I stumbled through the portrait hole, my sleepless night washing over me. My eyelids were starting to close as I walked and I didn't even notice Potter sitting on the couch in the common room.

"What the hell was that all about?" He demanded, his eyes taking in my exhausted figure.

"Nothing," I muttered, turning to go to my door.

"Why were you out so late last night? Were you with Sirius that whole time?"

"Yeah, we were snogging in a broom closet the whole time," I said sarcastically. I winced slightly as I realized how close to the truth that actually was.

I noticed Potter paled slightly, even though he knew I was joking. "Seriously, what were you guys doing?"

"What's with the twenty questions?" I hissed, turning sluggishly back towards him. I had tried to sound irritated but I was too tired.

"It's just surprising, that's all," Potter said indifferently. "You never stay out late."

"You don't know all my habits, Potter," I said, anger edging its way into my words.

"We're trying to be friends, Lily, remember?" James reminded me carefully.

I sighed heavily. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just need to go back to sleep," I muttered, making my way quickly to my room. I closed the door behind me and leaned back against it.

The butterbeer was given and the house elves would soon be distributing them throughout the school. I couldn't tell if I was relieved that it was finally out of my hands or nervous because now it _was_ out of my hands. Whatever happens with those books now is completely out of my control. I just hoped the students of Hogwarts were smart enough not to abuse them…

"Can you believe this?" Pippa dropped a little black book onto the table next to me. I jumped, startled by her sudden approach.

"Believe what?" I asked, as Pippa, Emilie, and Marley joined me at the Gryffindor table.

"People have already written in the book," Pippa said excitedly, leaning over and pulling back the front cover for me to see. She flipped the first page where our directions were written to show me the first real page of the book where there were several lines of the same generic script. The confessions were numbered and I saw the Pippa was right. There was already at least a full page.

"Merlin," I whispered taking the book from her hands to read the confessions. "It's only breakfast. How can people have responded so quickly?"

"I don't know, but they did," Pippa laughed. "I can't believe this actually worked."

"At least we won't run out of gossip now," Emilie said lightly from her spot across from me. She had her own book out and was reading the first page like I was. I looked down again at the book. Confessions about being in love, hating a best friend, pranks pulled, filled the page. I had to admit that I was surprised people actually seemed to be embracing this confessional.

"This is juicy," Pippa gushed, taking her book back from me. I guess I'd have to wait until I was back in my room where my book was stuck on a shelf to read any more secrets that appeared.

"Just be careful," I warned lightly, piling more sausage onto my plate.

"Careful of what," Pippa scoffed, her eyes lighting up as another secret appeared. "This is beyond brilliant. We should have done this years ago."

I rolled my eyes and we were joined by the Marauders. Sirius sat next to Pippa, who visibly stiffened at his proximity but continued reading her book.

Remus, who sat next to Emilie, examined her book.

"You got one of those, too?" He asked, pulling a similar book out of his pocket.

"I think everyone did," Emilie shrugged and Marley bit her lip nervously. I guessed that she was still a bit nervous that we'd get caught.

"You know, it's kind of a cool idea," Remus commented, stuffing his book back into his pocket.

"It is, isn't it?" Pippa said lightly, a small smile playing at her lips.

"Hmm," Sirius murmured next to her, catching my eye briefly before I looked away.

I glanced around the Great Hall and was surprised to see that many of the students had their books out as well. Some students had their heads bent together reading confessions and laughing. Some flipped through the pages absently, and I couldn't help but being a little mad at myself for leaving my book in my room. As ridiculous as I thought this idea was, it was also quite hard to resist. Damn Pippa and her brilliant ideas.

I sat in my Defense Against the Dark Arts class, trying my best to pay attention. It was hard to focus. My mind kept drifting to that stupid book. I jumped when Pippa lightly tapped my shoulder and jerked her head to the little black book that I _did_ have with me today.

** Girls I have a really serious confession. Please don't judge me. I accidentally went into the boy's loo today. **

_Ha! Sure… accident._

**I swear it was. I told you not to judge me, Marley…**

It's ok, Pip. I guess we can still be friends.

**That's not the best part though… I overheard some boys talking.**

_**And?! You know I hate it when you keep us hanging…**_

**And it sounds like a certain Liam Lawson might have a thing for Marley…**

_What? No way. What did he say?_

**He said that he's noticed you in class this morning and he thinks you're cute.**

_Oh Merlin. I can die happy now_.

I let out a small laugh and looked over my shoulder at Marley who was sitting with Emilie behind me. She had a dreamy, vacant expression on her face. Her eyes were unfocused and she was staring at the ceiling, her lips turned up in a smile. I laughed again to myself and turned back to the front. Now if only love could be _that_ simple for me…

The day passed rather quickly, which was surprising seeing as all day I was dying to get out of class so I could go read my confessional. I made a quick excuse to the Clique about needing to do some homework so I could escape to my room and told them I'd see them at dinner.

Once I was back in the Heads' dorm, I searched my bookshelves quickly for the book I had kept for myself. I pulled it out from betweentwo large volumes on Potions.

I propped myself up with a pillow on my bed and turned back the cover to read the first secrets for myself. I was oddly anxious. I had half expected people to ignore the "no names" rule but it seemed that for now, they seemed to have abided by it.

_We've been best friends for six years and I've never really liked you._

_Sometimes I catch you looking at me and I wonder if you feel the same way._

_I slept with your boyfriend. I'm sorry._

Yikes. Now I'm _really _glad people are following the "no names" rule. This could get messy really quickly if someone started naming. I shuddered just thinking of the chaos that could cause.

_Sometimes I think it would be easier if you hated me like you used to._

_You broke your promise._

The secrets continued on and I read them with fascination. I couldn't help but wondering who all of these secrets belonged to, and whether any of them were about me…

Well, I had to hand it to Pippa. This would definitely give us all more to gossip about.

* * *

_A/N: Well, the books are out! There will be MANY more confessions to come! What did you think? What will happen next? Do you think people will find out who made the books? _

_Keep your eye out for confessions you think our main characters made, too :) Because there ARE some in there! _

_As always, leave a review! _


	19. Chapter 19 - Oh Please, I'm Pippa Birch

Chapter 19 - Oh Please, I'm Pippa Birch

The rest of the week practically flew by right before my eyes. Our little black books were gaining more and more secrets every day and I had to admit that I was becoming slightly addicted to checking it.

Friday afternoon came sooner than I could possibly have imagined. I only had one class left, Potions. I hadn't seen much of Chris since we had our talk last weekend and I still hadn't told anyone about it apart from Sirius. Of course, Potter knew also but he hadn't mentioned it at all to me.

Pippa and I took our seats at the far left side of the room. Slughorn had already put a new potion on the board and we got to work right away, having already learned the origin, characteristics, and antidote of the potion in our lesson earlier in the week.

Sirius and Remus sidled up to us as we put the first ingredient in our cauldrons and watched the boiling water turn a metallic silver color.

"We have more firewhiskey," Sirius commented casually as he leaned onto his elbows on our table. Remus hopped onto our work table, causing our potion to slosh precariously in our cauldrons. I gave him my best death glare before turning back to Sirius.

"And?" I said raising my eyebrows at him as I carefully dropped three dead scarab beetles into the simmering liquid. The potion emitted a quiet hiss and turned electric blue. Was that supposed to happen?

"And you ladies should join us," Sirius shrugged as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Actually, Lily, James volunteered your dorm for our little party tonight," Remus said rolling his eyes at Sirius. "But we really would like it if you joined us."

"What's the occasion this time?" I asked lightly, and I couldn't stop my thoughts from drifting back to the end of last term when Potter and I had sat on the couch and kis—_No! Bad Lily! Stop that_.

"Beginning of term or something like that. Who cares? We don't need an occasion to party," Sirius let out a bark of a laugh. I had to admit, his enthusiasm was contagious.

I opened my mouth to accept the invitation but Pippa cut me off.

"Sorry, boys," she said casually. "We have girl talk tonight."

Sirius narrowed his steely eyes and looked between us. "Can't you stop by afterwards?"

"I don't think so, Girl talk will be going late tonight," Pippa said sternly and I gave her a questioning glance.

"Well, you'll see me at some point," I shrugged and Pippa glared at me. "You know, seeing as I live there and all…"

Pippa rolled her eyes and I turned back to see Remus and Sirius exchanging confused looks.

"Sorry," I mouthed at them and turned back to my cauldron. Next to me, Pippa was violently stirring her potion. What was with her today?

The two boys headed back to their tables and I glanced after them to see that Sirius was whispering something to Potter, whose eyes flickered briefly to me. I looked away quickly and was immediately engrossed in my potion that was starting to foam over the sides.

Oh joy. This is not good.

"I really can't believe people are actually doing this," Marley said, running her index finger down the numerous lines of confessions. We were all sitting in our usual spots in the Clique's dorm, flipping through our Hogwarts Confessionals.

"I really wish there was a way we could see who was writing these," Pippa sighed lightly from her bed.

"Pip, the whole point was that these would be anonymous, remember?" I laughed.

"Yes, but I'm still _curious_. I wonder if any of these are about me?" Pippa mused, leafing through the first few pages.

"I was wondering that too," Emilie said, staring absentmindedly at one of the confessions in her book.

"Hey look, a new one just appeared," Marley said from her bed. "'_Confession #27: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen but I'm too scared to talk to you'_. I know this sounds horrible, but I almost want people to use names, just so we know who they're talking about in confessions like these…"

"I do too," I said. "But you know that once people start using names, they'll start saying bad stuff and then it'll just turn into a slam book."

"I know, just wishful thinking," Marley sighed.

"You mean, like you wonder if _Liam_ has written anything about you?" Pippa said slyly, nudging Marley in the ribs.

"No, just… I'd like to know who this person thinks is so pretty…" Marley blushed and flipped her book closed.

"There's no _real_ gossip yet, though," Emilie grumbled, flipping her book closed as well.

"Well, it's only the first day," Pippa said rolling her eyes. "We have to give it some time before people actually feel comfortable enough to confess anything really juicy."

"I guess," Emilie sighed.

"Here's something, though. I have a date tomorrow night," Pippa announced casually from her bed.

We were all silent for a minute as we stared at her and Emilie jumped off Marley's bed, nearly knocking her off in the process.

"Are you kidding me, Pippa? You've let us go on about this stupid book when you have REAL gossip for us?" Emilie screeched as she launched herself onto Pippa's bed. I moved quickly seeing as Emilie was headed straight for me.

"Ok I have three questions for you," Marley chimed as she scurried over to join us on Pippa's bed. "Who is it with? When did this happen? And most importantly, _who is it with?!"_

Pippa rolled her eyes at us, but I could tell she was enjoying the attention.

"Ok well after Potions when I went to the bathroom before History of Magic I kind of took a detour," Pippa smirked.

"I wondered why you were late…" Marley mused, tilting her head to the side.

"Well, like I said, I took a detour because I was going to come back here to see if any more confessions had been written. So I was sneaking around because obviously I didn't want to be caught, and I ran right into-"

"Oh my god, who is it? I can't take the suspense!" Emilie squealed into her pillow.

Pippa glared at Emilie. "Well if you hadn't interrupted me you would know by now."

"Sorry," Emilie squeaked.

"Adrian Austin," Pippa said proudly, a haughty smile playing at her lips.

"Merlin, Pip," I breathed. "He's like a freaking _god_. Hufflepuff quidditch captain, perfect grades, incredibly gorgeous, and famous for _not dating Hogwarts girls_. How on earth did you get a date with him?"

"It's no big deal," Pippa shrugged. Leave it to Pippa to shrug off a date with Adrian Austin. "And he doesn't not date Hogwarts girls. He just prefers girls who are….more mature."

"So _how_ did you get a date with him?" Marley pressed.

"Oh, _please_. I'm Pippa Birch," she laughed, flipping her blond curls over her shoulder. "I fluttered my eyelashes a bit, twirled my hair, and was all-around charming. He really had no choice…."

"My god you're modest," I laughed, and Pippa stuck out her tongue at me.

"Isn't he kind of a womanizer though?" Marley asked delicately. I could tell she didn't want to ruin Pippa's excitement but she definitely looked concerned.

"How can he be a womanizer? He doesn't date Hogwarts girls," Pippa scoffed.

"Pip, he may not _date_ them, but you know he's done other stuff. We used to gossip about it all the time," Marley pressed.

"Marley, don't ruin this for me," Pippa snapped and she turned away from Marley's worried face.

"So when is your date?" Emilie asked.

"Next weekend," Pippa said, biting her lip. "And speaking of which, I have no idea what to wear…"

Pippa hopped off her bed and clothes began flying out of her trunk as she rummaged for something to wear.

"I'll help you after I shower," Emilie said rolling off her bed and grabbing a towel. Marley wanted to take a shower too before bed so Pippa and I were left alone.

"Pip, can I ask you something?" I asked quietly, rolling over to look at her from her bed.

"What color should I go with?" Pippa asked, not paying any attention to me. She was holding up two shirts in the mirror, a red one and a dark blue one.

"The blue one," I said, rolling my eyes at her back. "Pip, do you still like Sirius?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

I watched her hands fall and her face went blank in the mirror. She turned towards me with an oddly dead expression on her face.

"Of course I don't still like him, Lily." She said mechanically and it sounded rehearsed, like she'd practiced saying it so if she had to speak it, it might sound believable. "We ended things, remember?"

I cringed as she said "we" like it was a mutual decision. She was going to be more stubborn about this than I had anticipated.

"Pip, I'm your best friend," I said gently as I stood up from the bed and moved closer to her. "You know you can tell me."

"I don't still like him," she said again turning back towards the mirror, and I couldn't tell if she was trying to convince me or herself.

"Pip, cut the bullshit," I sighed, leaning against the bedpost. She turned abruptly, her face livid, but I held up my hands in a truce. "I've seen how you look at him and how you act around him. Pippa I know you better than anyone. You don't have to hide this from me. If you don't want the others to know, you know I'll keep this secret."

Her face softened a tiny bit and she swallowed, her golden eyes falling to the floor. "It's so stupid of me to still like him. I know there's no way we'll ever get together again. But I can't help it…"

I tried to suppress my smile as she finally confirmed my thoughts. I closed the distance between us and hung my arm around her shoulder, turning us to face the mirror.

"Pippa, you're beautiful, smart, and incredibly clever. Who wouldn't like you? I mean, there's a reason you're one of the most popular girls in school and you got Adrian Austin to ask you out." I said softly. "Give it some time. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. And if it doesn't, that just means there's something even better waiting for you."

"Geez Lil, no need to be so corny," Pippa muttered and a small giggle escaped her down-turned lips.

"Alright. Now forget about the blue shirt. You should wear your dark red one with the low neckline. Austin won't know what hit him," I laughed as I danced away from Pippa toward her trunk.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry this was a stupidly short chapter. I'll try very hard to post again on Sunday to make up for it :) _

_So do you think Pippa's really over Sirius? _

_What do you think will happen at the boys' party? _

_All your reviews have been so amazing and I'm so grateful for every single one! _

_Also, shameless plug: I just finished writing another short story about Lily/James called _Forget Me Not_, which I'll be posting hopefully tomorrow. Unlike _Hogwarts Confessional_, this one is ACTUALLY a new story I've written over the past year and not something from like 7 years ago lol. So feedback on it would AMAZING. _

_Cheers!_


	20. Chapter 20 - Not One of My Best Ideas

Chapter 20 - Admittedly, Not One of My Best Ideas

I climbed through the portrait hole to the Head's dorm, completely forgetting that the Marauders were having a party in there.

"Evans!" I heard a chorus of people shout my name and I stumbled slightly in my surprise. I took in the scene before me. Remus was sitting on the floor, attempting to drain an almost full bottle of firewhiskey into his mouth. Sirius was seated in one of the plush arm chairs with Peter sitting on his lap. I stifled a laugh at this and Sirius quickly shoved Peter off his lap.

"It's not what it looks like," Sirius grumbled as he snatched the firewhiskey bottle from Remus.

"It looked like Peter was sitting on you," I said trying to keep a straight face.

"That would be because of _Remus_ here," Sirius growled as he kicked Remus slightly with his foot and handed me the bottle of firewhiskey which I drank willingly.

"We're engaging in some Truth-or-Dare of sorts tonight…Marauder-style," Remus explained as he swiveled around on the floor to face me. "Basically we've spiked the firewhiskey with Veritaserum to ensure maximum truth telling. A while ago we wrote down all our best Truths and Dares so we wouldn't forget so we've just been picking out of a bowl. Although, we're Marauders so we've all been doing dares," Remus slurred, a baffled look crossing his face. "The only one who's been doing Truth is—"  
"Holly, Truth or Dare!" Peter called from the floor where Sirius had dumped him.

I didn't have to look far to find Potter and Holly sitting close together on the couch. My stomach clenched and I wrinkled my nose slightly. _Of course_ Holly was there. "Hey Lily!" A high breathy voice broke into my mental scolding and I focused my eyes on the skinny girl waving at me from the couch.

I grimaced in acknowledgment and stuck the bottle of firewhiskey in my mouth, embracing the fiery burn as it went down.

"Easy there, Evans," Sirius chuckled, taking the bottle from me.

"I'll go with Truth," Holly giggled she reached forward to the table where two large wooden bowls were placed. On one was carved Truth and on the other was Dare. She pulled out a slip of paper and unfolded it as she snuggled closer to Potter. Barf.

"'Who was the first person you ever had a crush on?'" she read off the paper and blushed immediately.

"Come on, Holly-bee, don't be embarrassed!" Potter nudged her playfully in the side. Holly-bee? Excuse me whole I go vomit.

"Actually Jamie, it was you," Holly blushed even more and I heard a collective groan from the rest of the Marauders.

"Ok, moving on," Sirius pressed and I saw Potter's arm wind its way around Holly's small waist.

"Sirius, you pick," Holly said as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Ok, well I hate to be the downer but I'm tired of making an idiot of myself in public so I'll go with Truth this time," Sirius sighed. I looked questioningly at Remus.

"Last time Sirius had to find Filch and profess his love for him," Remus chuckled.

"'Who was the last person you snogged?'" Sirius read and my heart stopped. I saw Sirius freeze with the scrap of paper clutched in his hand.

Oh, bloody hell. The last person he snogged was _me!_ If he told, there would be no way to explain it without revealing our late-night Hogsmeade trip and essentially that Hogwarts Confessional was created by the Clique. Oh Merlin, I can't breathe.

"I bet it's someone disgusting. That's why he's not saying it," Peter laughed, taking a swig from the bottle.

"Come on, Padfoot, we won't judge you," Remus chided.

Sirius's lips were pressed together in a hard line as if he were physically trying to hold back the words.

"Spit it out, Black!" Potter called from the couch.

Without warning Sirius turned to Remus, clasped his face in his hands, and planted his lips on Remus's. The rest of us stared, completely shocked as Remus quickly shoved Sirius away and wiped his mouth repeatedly on his shirt sleeve.

"The last person I snogged was Remus Lupin," Sirius stated, letting out a huge sigh. I let out my own sigh of relief and then started laughing as I realized what just happened.

"Sirius, you bloody idiot, that was _disgusting!_" Remus grabbed the firewhiskey from Peter and started chugging.

"Wow, must have been someone bad if you resorted to kissing Lupin," Potter chuckled. "But seriously, man, who'd you snog?"

"I told you," Sirius said calmly. "I kissed Remus Lupin."

"No, before that," Potter pressed.

"Lily, you go," Sirius said ignoring him and gesturing to the Truth-or-Dare bowls on the table.

"But, I'm not playing," I sputtered. I wasn't nearly drunk enough for this.

"Lily, I just kissed Moony. Pick a damn dare, will you?" Sirius growled at me. I guess I did kind of owe him for that…

"Fine, but I'll need more to drink first," I said reaching for the nearly empty bottle.

"That should be our motto," Remus laughed, and I took a quick drink and pulled a scrap of paper from the bowl. I read the dare twice before I looked up.

"I'm not doing this," I said, tossing the paper at Remus.

"'Make out with the first person you find in the library'," Remus read. "Ha! Lily, you have to do it. You're bound by the unflinchingly rigid rules of Marauder Truth-or -Dare."

I put on my best sad-puppy face but each of the Marauders just shook their heads. Damn Truth-or-Dare. Damn Marauders….

"Fine. But _you_," I pointed a threatening finger at Sirius. "You are _so_ going to pay for making me do this."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Wow, I'm scared now Evans. What are you going to do, make me study?"

I just scoffed and marched out of the portrait hole with the Marauders and Holly following closely behind.

We reached the library and I breathed a sigh of relief when we spotted no one on first inspection. The rational part of me was screaming that this would end horribly, but the drunk side of me was almost looking forward to making out with someone while Potter watched. Maybe that would get a rise out of him... The drunk side won.

Peter trotted ahead of us to check between the many rows of books and he stopped abruptly when he reached the second row from the end. Peter turned back to the rest of us and waved his hands frantically, indicating that he had found someone.

I glanced next to me at Potter who had a strange expression on his face. He looked over when he noticed my gaze and I gave him a small smile.

"I hope it's no one too disgusting. It'll ruin my reputation…" I nudged him in the side playfully and he chuckled lightly in response.

"Nothing like a game of Truth or Dare to ruin a reputation," he said with a small sigh.

I looked down the row of bookshelves to see who my subject was and froze immediately.

A lone boy was sitting at a table with a bunch of books strewn in front of him. He had chocolate brown hair falling straight into his eyes and his tall frame was hunched over the table. It looked like he was concentrating extremely hard on whatever he was reading.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me," I hissed to Sirius who was standing next to me. This was the last place on earth I'd expect to find Adrian Austin on a Friday night.

"What's the big deal?" Sirius whispered back, glancing down the row of books. "It's just Austin. It's not like you have to date him, just snog him. I mean, he's pretty decent looking I guess."

"Yeah, I know. Pippa thinks so, too. She's got a date with him next weekend," I shot back, turning to face the Marauders.

"Pippa's going out with Adrian Austin?" Sirius asked, looking completely taken aback. "But he doesn't date Hogwarts girls…"

"Yeah, I thought so too," I mumbled, peering back down the row at Adrian. How on earth do I keep getting in these kinds of situations?

"But he's a complete womanizer," Sirius sputtered. "Doesn't Pippa know what everyone means when they say he doesn't date Hogwarts girls. It's because he _doesn't_. He uses them until he gets what he wants and then he lets them go."

"Now's not really the time to talk about Pippa's love life," I hissed back at him.

"But—"

"Just do it already, Evans," Potter sighed, cutting Sirius off. "I'm getting bored."

I cast a furious glance at him and he was leaning against the bookshelf with his arms folded across his chest staring in the other direction. Stupid git….

I took in a deep breath, ruffled my hair to give it more volume, and looked back one last time at my friends who were now all leaning against the same bookshelf as Potter with their arms folded across their chests, waiting.

"Wish me luck," I said before turning away from them. I stumbled slightly in my drunken state as I walked quickly through the row of books towards my victim. I was amazed at how at a time like this, all I could notice was that my feet were feeling very tingly, thanks to the generous amount of firewhiskey I'd downed by this point. Not my best idea, admittedly, but it was only fun and games, right?

The boy I was about to make out with looked up when he heard my stumbling footsteps coming towards him and a surprised expression crossed his face as he took in my appearance. Conceited as it may sound, there was no doubt that he recognized who I was.

"Lily Evans," Adrian mused as I came to a stop in front of him, swaying slightly from the alcohol. "Never took you for a drinking girl."

"And I never took you for someone who spent his Friday night in the library," I countered.

"Touché," he smirked, nodding his head. "So what brings _you_ here on a Friday night. You're obviously not studying…"

"I'll be straight with you," I said hopping up to sit on the desk in front of him. "Pippa told me you guys are going out next weekend… but I've been dared to make out with the first person I found in the library, and unfortunately that's you. So it'd be great if we could just get this over with…"

"What's so unfortunate about it?," Adrian asked smoothly and I got the impression that he was rather enjoying this.

"Pippa's my best friend. If she ever found out she would never speak to me again…" I said, slurring my words slightly.

Adrian let out a small laugh and leaned back in his chair. "Well then I guess we just won't tell her then."

"Thanks," I said, continuing to stare at him. He was undeniably very attractive. I could get lost in those deep blue eyes. And I could definitely see why Pippa wanted to date him.

"So are you going to kiss me or what?" Adrian asked, still leaning back in his chair.

"Oh. Right…" I said and went to hop off the desk to get closer to him, but he brought his chair back forward before I was off the desk and his lips were on mine. Softly at first and then the kiss became more eager. I felt him rest a hand on my knee and I quickly pulled away, remembering that he was dating Pippa and also that the Marauders were watching.

"Ok, thanks. Bye," I said quickly, jumping off the desk and turning away before he could say anything else.

I turned to go back to my friends but froze instantly when I saw that there was an addition to our group.

Oh dear… this was not good.

* * *

_A/N: Ok, I definitely meant to get this up WAY sooner but it's here now! So I realize there's a lack of the confessional books in this chapter but I'll make up for it in the coming chapters!_

_So let's have it, who do you think saw Lily kissing Adrian? _

_All your reviews have been awesome so far, keep 'em coming! _


	21. Chapter 21 - Move On

Chapter 21 - Move On

"Chris," I muttered. I felt all the blood drain from my face as I walked numbly back to my friends. Remus was hovering next to Chris, glancing nervously at me and then next to him at Chris who was standing awkwardly at the end of the row. His mouth was slightly open and he was staring blankly at me as I walked quickly back to them. Potter looked like he was glued to the bookshelf he was leaning on, his face an expressionless mask.

When I had made my way to where they were standing I stopped awkwardly in front of Chris who was blocking any escape I had hoped for. I raised my eyes slightly to look at him, but he was still staring down the row of books at Adrian, who was still sitting looking quite pleases with what just transpired.

"Hi Chris," I said quietly, lowering my eyes to look at my feet.

He didn't say anything but turned quickly and started walking towards the exit from the library.

"Chris, wait," I called desperately at his retreating back. I looked frantically at Sirius and Remus for help.

"I'm so sorry Lily," Sirius sputtered. "I didn't even notice him until you were already in the middle of snogging Adrian…"

"I know. What do I do? Should I go after him? He looked so upset!" I was wringing my hands helplessly and I glanced over at Potter who was staring at the door Chris had just left through.

Holly was bouncing nervously on the balls of her feet. "I don't understand. Why was Chris Penley so upset? Jamie, What's going on?"

"You should go talk to him," Potter said quietly to me, unfolding his arms and shoving his hands in his pockets.

I nodded and without another word I was running down the empty halls after Chris. I had no idea where he'd gone but I had to try at least to find him. I ran past an empty classroom and skidded to a halt when I recognized him sitting on top of the desk at the front of the room. I walked silently into the room and sat down next to him. I half expected him to leave when he noticed me but he stayed sitting, his eyes on the floor.

"Chris, what you just saw-" I started but he cut me off.

"Look, Lily. I knew that when we broke up we would eventually date other people," he said quickly, letting out a melancholy sigh. "I just didn't think it would happen so fast."

"I'm not dating him, Pippa is" I said and Chris looked up at me, his chocolate eyes meeting mine. I could see accusations written plainly in them and I realized what this must sound like.

"It was a stupid dare, Chris. We were in the Heads dorm playing Truth or Dare and Sirius dared me to go to the library and make out with the first person I saw," I tried to explain.

Chris narrowed his eyes and let out a scoff.

"Chris you have to believe me. The Marauders put veritaserum in our drinks. I'm telling the truth," I said earnestly, desperately hoping that he believed me.

"You've been drinking?" Chris asked, his disbelief melting into sad curiosity. I realized, guiltily, that my drinking wasn't something Chris had ever witnessed before. "I've had a few drinks," I said truthfully.

"That's not even important," Chris said. "I just… when I saw you kissing him… it just—I didn't expect it to hurt _that_ much."

I winced. Here I am, hurting people again. Wasn't I trying to avoid this? I really suck at this whole love thing.

"Look, Chris," I gripped my hands on the desk to steady myself. "It's not like all my feelings for you just magically disappeared. There's no spell for that. In case you forgot, I read a lot. I would know," I laughed and his face softened slightly.

"You still have feelings for me?" He asked carefully, looking away from me.

I bit my lip, knowing the veritaserum would make me answer honestly. This was definitely not good.

"Of course I do," I said, dropping my head and giving into the potion.

"Then why aren't we together?" he asked quietly, his voice full of emotion.

"I didn't break up with you because I stopped loving you," I said, choosing my words carefully. "I love you Chris, I really do. But, I just don't think we're… right for each other. Does that make sense?"

"No," he said. "But when does love ever make sense?"

"I really do want to be friends though," I said honestly.

"I think I can live with that," Chris looked up at me and smiled a little.

I let out a long sigh. I needed to get out of here before I said anything else incriminating. I was already mentally kicking myself for everything I'd just said. Damn Sirius and his veritaserum. Of all the times to be drugged, now was the _worst_.

"I need to get back to my room," I said quietly, hopping off the table. "I'll see you around, OK?"

"Yeah," Chris responded, showing no signs of moving from the desk.

I walked swiftly from the room and practically ran back to the Heads Dorm. I'm so going to pay for this later. This is bad. This is so bad. I can't believe I just said all that stuff to Chris. And I kissed Adrian Austin. Oh my god. _Bad Lily, bad, bad, bad—_

"Lily? I thought you'd gone to bed…"

I nearly toppled over myself in surprise. I have _got_ to stop wandering the castle at night.

I recognized Pippa's curtly-headed silhouette walking towards me down an adjacent hall and I leaned against the wall next to me to stop myself from passing out. First Chris, now Pippa? I can't deal with all of this tonight! She doesn't have to know though, does she? She _cannot _find out I just snogged her potential boyfriend-to-be.

"Pip, what are you doing out here? It's after hours," I stuttered, still trying to calm my racing pulse. My heart was pounding so hard I swear she could hear it.

"Adrian told me earlier that he would be in the library tonight. Thought I'd go surprise him," Pippa informed me, giving me a coy smile and a wink.

"Oh," was all I could answer. Thank Merlin she didn't come to the library just fifteen minutes ago. Never mind the fact that she was heading there now to presumably swap spit with the guy I was just dared to snog.

"I'll give you the details tomorrow," she giggled as she excitedly straightened her skirt. Again.

My head was reeling with the combination of this new insanity and the firewhiskey I'd downed earlier. I couldn't think. I couldn't even open my mouth to stop Pippa as she trilled a goodbye and fluttered past me. All I could do is stare like an idiot as I watched her practically dance down the hall towards one of the only things in her life keeping her happy at the moment. All I could do was close my eyes and wish _really_ hard that Adrian would be smart enough not to mention anything that had just happened.

"Lily! There you are," Remus rushed to meet me as I climbed clumsily through the portrait hole. "What happened? Is everything ok?"

"It's fine" I said, still slightly dazed at everything that had just happened. "Look, I appreciate your concern but I really need to just go to bed…"

"Ok," Remus said, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "The game's over anyways. You were gone for a while and Peter passed out so Sirius carried him back to our room. Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine. Really," I reassured him.

I watched as he left and then turned around to see Potter saying goodnight to Holly. I tried to look away quickly before I saw anything nauseating but caught a glimpse of Holly leaning forward to kiss him.

I closed the door to my room so I wouldn't have to see anything else or hear anything they said while I changed quickly into my pajamas. When I was sure that Holly was gone I opened my door and crossed to the room to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

"Lily?" Potter's voice made me jump and I turned to see him sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

"Everything ok?" He asked. He was turned in his seat to face me.

"Its fine," I said quickly continuing to the bathroom.

"No it's not. Friends tell each other stuff, Evans," Potter said carefully and I stopped. "Are you ok? Really?"

"I'm not really sure," I said quietly, sitting down next to him and turning slightly so I could face him.

"What happened?" He asked, curiosity burning obviously in his voice.

"Well, I found him in an empty classroom and I explained everything to him," I said slowly, making sure I didn't let anything slip. I could still feel the veritaserum pushing at my lips but it was weakening. I could keep in under control now. I was still kicking myself for spilling my guts to Chris, I didn't need to regret anything else tonight.

"_Why_ did I go after him?" I blurted out angrily, making Potter jump. His hazel eyes locked with mine and I looked away quickly. "I mean, I didn't have to justify anything to him. Why did I feel the need to even explain things? I should feel free to snog whoever I want, right?" Whoa, bad choice of words…

"Don't beat yourself up, Evans," Potter soothed, placing a friendly hand on my shoulder. My skin tingled slightly with his touch and I sucked in a sharp breath. It was amazing to me that after everything that had happened with Chris tonight, I could forget it all the moment Potter touched me. "I would have done the same."

"Doesn't mean it wasn't stupid of me, though," I grumbled, yanking my hands through my hair. "When will I stop massively screwing everything up in my life?"

Potter chuckled lightly, removing his hand from my shoulder. It surprised me how cold my shoulder felt without his touch. I felt a surge of anger towards him for a moment. Why wasn't my touch affecting _him_ at all? He's the one who's supposedly in love with me, right? This was all backwards! _He's_ the one who's supposed to be pining for _me!_ What kind of screwed up universe is this? But, I shouldn't even be thinking these things about Potter at a time like this…

"I think you're being too hard on yourself," Potter smiled and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

"No, I need to be quarantined. I'm a hazard to society," I said, dropping my head into my hands.

"It could be a lot worse," Potter said, laughing softly at me.

"Yeah right. How?" I said, my face still buried in my hands. "I just saw Pippa in the hall on her way to see Adrian. If she ever found out about this, she'd never speak to me again. Everytime I try _not_ to hurt someone, I end up hurting them even _more _than I would have if I had just left well enough alone. I'm just so confused with everything!"

"It's not as bad as you think, Lily," Potter said. "Chris knows you don't mean to hurt him. And Austin's not stupid enough to say anything to Pippa. And besides, its not like you're screwing up your relationships with any of the rest of us, right? I think you should ease up on yourself."

"But it's not just them I've screwed things up with!" I blurted out without thinking.

"What? Who else are you having problems with?" Potter asked, leaning towards me slightly, curiosity burning in his golden eyes.

I blanched slightly, realizing I said too much.

"It's nothing," I said with difficulty. The veritaserum was pushing against my tongue, willing me to say more.

"Come on, Lils, friends remember?" Potter urged, nudging me in the side. "You know you can talk to me about anything."

"I should get some sleep…" I fake yawned into my hands and sat up straight, glancing over at Potter who was watching me with a confused expression on his face.

I was in my room and quickly shut my door before he could say anything else and fell onto my bed. I'm such an idiot. One of these days my big mouth was seriously going to get me in trouble. Note to self: never ever drink again.

I tried to take my mind off Potter and Chris. I went through my agenda for the next day in my head several times in attempts to clear my mind but it kept wandering back to Potter.

It was like I was a character out of one of the many books I had read. The heroine who's caught between two romances. The one she had and the one she wants. But wait, didn't I want them both? No, this doesn't make sense. Chris _could_ be everything I wanted. If only Potter hadn't kissed me. Would anything be different though? Chris could be my prince in shining armor. I already knew that he loved me. What else was I waiting for?

I thought about James again. And Holly. This was definitely out of a book I'd read; the heroine in love with someone who used to love her. She thinks its too late because he's with someone else. But as soon as he discovers that she loves him too, he'll sweep her dramatically off her feet and they'll live happily ever after.

But who am I kidding? That doesn't happen in real life. There's no fairy-tale ending for me. A prince won't save me, a man won't sweep me into his arms, there won't be a happily ever after. I had already ruined my chance with Chris and now its too late to be with Potter. I'd ruined _everything_. And there was no taking it back.

So what did I do now? I can't take any of my actions back, so would the only way to fix things be to stop having these feelings for James? Right. Perfectly logical. I'll move on. He did it, right? So why couldn't I? I stared determinedly into the mirror, my eyes burning to keep back the tears I so wanted to cry. My chance with him was gone and there was nothing else to do but to move on.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry this update took a little longer! And it's kind of downer too... sorry about that. The next chapter will be slightly happier, I promise! And I know you all wanted it to be Pippa who saw Lily snogging Adrian, but it had to be Chris. Although this ISN'T the last we'll hear of this kiss ;) _

_So a couple things to look forward to in the next chapter:_

_- MULTIPLE jily scenes!_

_- An awkward Chris encounter!_

_- And more secrets from the book (finally)!_

_Leave some love! _


	22. Chapter 22 - Can My Life Be More Awkward

Chapter 22 - Could My Life Get Any More Awkward?

I knocked on Potter's door quietly. Maybe he wouldn't be here and I could just do this by myself. _Please don't let him answer, please don't let him—_

The door opened and James stood in front of me, his black hair sticking out all over the place. _Damn_.

"Dumbledore wants us to plan the Hogsmeade weekends and start working on the winter ball," I said holding up a folder of papers that Dumbledore had given me on available dates, guidelines, and a general list of things that needed to be taken care of for each event.

Potter eyed the thick folder warily. "That's a lot of papers…."

"So we'd better get started," I said moving from his door to the table in the corner of the common room.

"But Lily," Potter whined, dragging his feet to the table. "It's _Saturday_. I want to sleep more. Can't we do this tomorrow?"

I shook my head. "He needs our schedule by Monday. And we really need to get started on this planning. The Hogsmeade visits should be easy. But the Winter Ball will take a lot of planning and Dumbledore advised that we get started now so we're not crunched for time later."

"Fine," Potter grumbled, settling into a chair across the table from me.

"Alright," I sighed, taking the first stack of papers out of the folder. "These are for the first Hogsmeade visit. We just have to pick a date for it. I say we do the first weekend of each month."

"Sounds good," Potter yawned, laying his head down on the table. I rolled up the papers I was holding and whacked him on the head.

"No sleeping, we're working," I scolded. He glared at me and grabbed the second stack of papers.

"What are these?"

"Those are for the Winter Ball. We need a theme to start with and then we can figure out decorations, entertainment, and food," I said absently, still working on the Hogsmeade paperwork.

"Since the first visit to Hogsmeade is in two weeks we need people to put up the flyers in the common rooms. Can you find the prefects and have them take care of that?" I asked, sliding another stack of papers across the table at Potter. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands and yawned again.

"No problem. Consider it taken care of," he said in a sleepy voice.

Ok, do you have any ideas for a theme for the ball?" I asked, snatching the Winter ball paperwork from him.

"Snow."

"That's not really a theme, Potter."

"It is too."

"It's not."

"fine. Snow_flakes_. Better?"

"Not really."

"_You _pick a theme then," he muttered, laying his head on the table again.

"We should do something with ice. It's easy to decorate with and there are a lot of foods that we could do," I suggested. "And we need to set a date."

"A date for you and me?" he murmured, slurring his words. It sounded like he was half asleep but my heart still stopped at the words.

"A date for the ball," I stuttered, trying to recover myself. "Does the second weekend in December sound good? That way the students can go to Hogsmeade the weekend before if any of them need dress robes."

It had been a week since the horrendous night of Truth or Dare. None of our friends had mentioned that night since it happened and I thanked Merlin every day for that. I didn't want to bring up the memories of crying myself to sleep anytime soon.

As for Pippa's date with Adrian, he hadn't spilled the beans as far as I knew. Pippa came back positively beaming afterwards. She said they'd had a great time. He took her down to the quidditch pitch for a candle-lit dinner under the stars. Apparently, he asked her out again for the next weekend, too. So far, so good, I guess. I still had a bad feeling about Austin but Pippa was happier than I'd seen her in months. If Adrian could make Pippa that happy he couldn't be so bad, right?

"Lily, do you actually need me here for any of this?" Potter muttered, twisting his head so that he was looking at me.

I didn't answer but kept filling in the paperwork for the ball. My mind was still turning over his words in my head. 'A date for you and me?'. Stupid Lily, stupid, stupid. He's about to fall asleep. He had no idea what he was saying. Besides, you've moved on, right? Right…

"We still need a name for the ball," I reminded him.

"Ice Ball."

"That sounds like something you throw at people you don't like."

"Icicle Ball."

"That's just stupid."

"Can't we just call it Winter Ball and be done?"

"No."

"How about snow angels?"

"That could actually work," I said surprised.

He looked up and grinned at me. My heart sputtered hopelessly. Damn hormones.

"See, I'm not completely useless all the time," he smirked.

"Fine," I said rolling my eyes at him. "You gave me one good idea. Congratulations."

"It was bound to happen sometime," Potter yawned again as he grabbed some of the papers for the ball and started helping me fill them out.

"Lily, wait up!"

I turned around when I heard the painfully familiar voice and stopped when I saw the person it belonged to. I hadn't seen much of Chris since the truth or dare night. Of course I saw him in class, but we were usually concentrating too much on our potions to actually talk.

I still couldn't help but feel the guilt wash over me at seeing Chris's gaunt face and even worse was the quickening of my pulse and increased heart rate as he ran up to me. I was seriously screwed up.

"What's up, Chris?" I asked lightly, turning back toward the way I had been walking as he fell into step with me.

"I wanted to ask you something," he said hesitantly.

I wrinkled my nose slightly. Whatever this was, it wasn't good…

"Well, the Hogsmeade visit is this weekend," he continued, taking a deep breath. This was really, really not good. "I was wondering if you might want to go with me?"

I stopped walking in the middle of the hall, ignoring a few curses from the students behind me who quickly swerved to avoid me. I moved to the side of the hall and leaned my back against the cold stone.

"Chris, I dunno…" I started, seeing his face fall at once.

"Just as friends," He added quickly.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," I said timidly. In fact, I was positive that it was a very, very bad idea. I couldn't risk spending any more time with him. It would just give me more excuses to get back together with him. Potter was a lost cause at this point. I had been waiting for the past few weeks for him to get bored of Holly and "fall back to me" as Marley had said he would, but I had completely lost faith after Truth or Dare. Instead, I had focused myself entirely on schoolwork, and of course, obsessing over Hogwarts Confessional as the rest of the school seemed to be doing as well. There were well over one hundred confessions now. They were appearing in the book faster than I could keep track of.

"Why not?" Chris asked, snapping me back to the present.

"I mean, it might be just friends to us but wouldn't other people see it as a date?" I asked, avoiding eye contact with him.

"Would that be so bad?"

I let out a sharp breath. "I don't think it's a good idea," I said again, trying hard to keep my voice even.

"Oh," he said, looking down at his shoes, a hurt expression crossing his face.

"I'm sorry, Chris," I said, my insides twisting at the site of his hurt face. "Maybe next time."

"Sure," he muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Next time."

"I have to get to class," I said quickly pushing myself away from the wall and hurrying away from Chris before I hurt him anymore.

"This is horrible. I'm a horrible person," I said, pulling my fingers roughly through my hair.

"No you're not," Pippa cooed from her bed. I had just finished telling the Clique about my encounter with Chris. I ended up telling them about our conversation at the beginning of the term when I ran into him during patrol as well. There was no point keeping anything from the Clique.

"But I thought you liked James now?" Emilie asked her face scrunched up in confusion.

"I don't know what's going on," I said, looking my arms around Pippa's bedpost and banging my head into it.

"Stop, stop," Marley pulled me away from the bedpost and sat me down on the floor at the foot of the bed. "Ok, let's just talk this out and see if we can make some sense out of it."

I stared at her, waiting for her brilliant conclusion to my screwed up love life.

"Well, stating the obvious, you broke up with Chris last summer after your kiss with Potter because…it made you doubt your feelings for Chris?" I nodded and Marley continued. "And so you broke up with him to spare him from the possibility that you would fall for Potter and end up hurting him even more…"

"It sounds so stupid now," I wailed, burying my face in hands.

"It's not. It makes sense," Emilie soothed me, rubbing my arm.

"So," Marley took a deep breath, squinting her eyes in concentration. "Now you think you've fallen for Potter but still have feelings for Chris? But you've lost faith in Potter because he's still with Holly and you don't want to get back with Chris because you might just end up hurting him again and you _still_ don't know if you feel as strongly about him as you should… is that right?"

"Something along those lines," I muttered, resting my chin on my knees and wrapping my arms around my legs.

"And so Chris asked you to Hogsmeade," Pippa said from above me. "I think Sirius is right. I'd bet my entire Gringotts bank account that Chris is trying to get with you still, even if he says he wants to be just friends."

"But if Potter really _has_ given up on me, then I _should_ be with Chris, shouldn't I? I don't want to keep waiting around for something that's not going to happen when I have something wonderful standing right in front of me…" I said quietly. My head ached. I couldn't stop the constant flow of thoughts revolving around Chris and Potter.

"I actually have no idea what to tell you, Lils," Marley shook her head, lost in thought.

"Great," I grumbled, rolling my eyes.

"I think you made the right decision about Hogsmeade though," Pippa slid off her bed and sat in front of me.

"Ugh, ok I can't talk about this anymore," I said, pushing myself off the ground. "I need to go do homework or something…"

The Clique gave me some last words of encouragement before I left and I wandered down the hall to my dorm. Once I was inside my room I closed the door and absent-mindedly flipped open my confessional book to read the new secrets.

_107.__ As a kid, I thought I was a robot. Turns out I'm a wizard…_

_108.__ Why didn't you fight for me?_

_109.__ The only thing I love about you is your eyes._

_110.__ I was the one that put the love potion in your drink._

_111.__ If you loved me you wouldn't treat me like this._

I slammed the book shut and lay back on my bed, putting my hands over my eyes to block out the light. I couldn't think about love anymore. All of these stupid confessions had my mind back on Chris and Potter…. Well, except the one about robots. That was just weird.

I rolled over onto my stomach and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was nearing midnight. Another useless patrol with Potter. We still did rounds separately. He usually brought Holly, to my extreme irritation, but at least I didn't have to deal with her too much. I usually took a route around the castle that avoided any possible contact with the pair. For all I knew Potter didn't even _do _rounds and spent the entire patrol snogging Holly in an empty classroom.

Great. Just the mental image I needed.

"_Get out of my head!"_ I growled, grabbing the first thing I could reach off my nightstand and hurling it at the wall. I heard the glass shatter as it collided with the door and I sat up immediately, staring at the floor.

Glass shards littered the floor beneath the door and a round purple candle was rolling slowly away from the scene of destruction. I stared helplessly at the mess that used to be the ceramic vase with my name hand painted on the side and light blue forget-me-nots painted around the bottom. The flowers that were just moment ago held by my vase were scattered across the floor, water dripping from the light blue petals.

My door opened a crack and Potter's face appeared, looking startled.

"You ok in here? I heard a crash and…" He noticed me sitting at the end of my bed, my wild hair falling untidily into my face, as I continued to stare at my broken vase.

James looked down and saw the shards of glass covering the floor.

"What on earth did you do, Lily?" James laughed opening the door wider and glancing up at me with a wide smile on his face.

"Threw my vase at the wall," I muttered, pulling my wand out and quickly cleaning up the mess with a flick of my wand. The vase reassembled itself and I summoned it, replacing it on my nightstand.

"I knew you had a temper but I've never seen you break anything before," James smirked at me, leaning against the door frame with the light from the common room illuminating his silhouette. He looked like a freaking god standing there. I wanted to throw my candle jar at _him_. Did he have to be so damn perfect?

I jumped off my bed and began gather the forget-me-nots that were covering my floor. I saw Potter's hands gathering the ones by his feet and I wrinkled my nose.

I stood up as he held out the flowers to me and I saw a grin on his face.

"What are you smirking at, Potter?" I grumbled, snatching the flowers from him.

"Forget-me-nots?" He asked. "I always thought your favorite flower was lilies."

"That's so cliché," I rolled my eyes. "How original, for my favorite flower to be lilies. Forget-me-nots are more meaningful, anyways."

"Interesting…" Potter mused, watching me as I replaced the flowers in the vase. "So you threw your vase at the door… something bothering you?"

"No," I snapped at him, grabbing my cloak and stomping past him out of my room so I didn't have to look at him anymore.

"Uh huh, sure," He muttered, an amused smile still present on his face.

"Look," I snarled, spinning around to face him. "I don't want to talk about it, ok Potter? Just because we're friends now doesn't mean I want to tell you every intimate detail of my life. You wouldn't want to hear it anyways," I growled, turning back around and stomping out of the portrait hole with James on my tail.

"Friends don't yell at each other, Lily," James chided playfully running to catch up to my fast pace as I set out to do rounds a few minutes early.

"What do you want from me, Potter?" I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I turned a corner that would take me on my normal route to the north end of the castle.

"Nothing," I heard him whisper but when I turned around to look at him, he was already walking quickly in the other direction.

* * *

_A/N: Hi everyone! First of all, I was to give a HUGE thanks for everyone who has reviewed! It really means so much to me and even though I'm rubbish at responding to them I do read them all and really enjoy getting your feedback!_

_So what did you all think of this chapter? Some nice Jily moments as promised :) and I know that the idea of a ball is super cliche but gimme a break, I wrote this like 6 years ago :P _

_So a couple things to look forward to in the next chapter:_

_- Lily and Pippa have a dramatic disagreement!_

_- The Hogsmeade trip is approaching and Lily gets a date (but with who?)!_

_- Lily reads a particularly interesting secret in the book!_

_Stay tuned! At leave a review :) _


	23. Chapter 23 - Damn Books are an Obsession

Chapter 23 - Damn Books Are an Obsession

"Damn, I'm almost out of ink," Emilie hissed as she swirled the remaining contents of her ink bottle around. "Add that to the list will you, Pip?"

Pippa added a line on their already extensive list of items to get from Hogsmeade and looked up expectantly at Emilie.

"I can't think of anything else, can you?" Emilie glanced over at me. I was supposed to be reading about healing potions for our essay but instead I was doodling on my parchment and listening to my friends plan out their Hogsmeade trip.

"We could start looking for dress robes for the Snow Angels Ball. The ones I wore last year are too small now," I suggested.

"Excellent!" Pippa beamed, taking extra care to write "dress robes" twice as large as the other items of the list, circling it, and drawing little stars all around it. I could only guess where we'd spend most of our Saturday afternoon.

"Where on _earth_ is Marley?" Emilie griped, crossing her arms and settling herself back into the squishy red couch. She glanced around the common room out of habit even though she knew Marley wasn't even _in_ the Gryffindor tower.

"Maybe she's studying in the library," I offered. "I mean, I'm getting no work done here…"

As if on cue, Marley burst through the portrait hole and flung herself onto the couch next to Emilie, landing partially on top of her.

"Oh. My. God. Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod," Marley sputtered excitedly, waving her hands around frantically.

"Calm down, woman!" Pippa grabbed Marley's arms and pinned them to her side. "Tell us slowly and calmly what you're flailing about."

Marley sucked in a big breath, paused for a second, then let out her breath in a rush of words. "OhmygodLiamjustaskedmetoHogsmeadwithhimforsaturda yandIsaidyes."

"Huh?" Emilie furrowed her eyebrows and looked at Pippa and I. "Did you guys catch any of that?" We both shook out heads and turned back to Marley.

"Liam. He just asked me. Hogsmeade! With him. I'm going!" Marley gasped, her tiny hands flailing at her side.

"Are you even speaking English? In full sentences please, and slowly," Pippa growled.

"Ok," Marley let out a deep breath, her arms still waving helplessly at her side. "I was in the library studying and I went to find a book about the Healing potions but it was too high on the shelf, so I had to jump to reach it, but when I finally got it, it fell. I went to pick it up but a hand reached out and grabbed it first and when I stood up, Liam was there, looking like a freaking _god._ So he gave me back the book and I said thanks and then he said that he'd been meaning to talk to me, so of course I nearly _died_. Anyways, he went on to say that he'd noticed me around lately and wanted to know if I'd go to Hogsmeade with him on Saturday. And I said yes!" Marley squealed and buried her face in her hands. "I can't believe he asked me! This is like a dream come true!"

"That's amazing!" Emilie squealed as well and Pippa and I had to laugh at how ridiculous the two of them looked, holding each others hands and squealing like ten year old girls.

"Oh Merlin, I need to go plan what I'm going to wear," Marley gasped suddenly.

She jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs with Emilie close behind calling "but it's not for another two days!" after her.

Pippa turned back to me, chuckling lightly and shaking her head.

"Pip, did anyone ask you to Hogsmeade?" I asked, turning back to my essay.

"Of course. Some starry-eyed sixth years, a few goony fifth years, one brave third year, and then the usual following in our grade. I turned them all down. I would go with Adrian but he has quidditch practice that day," Pippa said casually. I loved the way she could just toss off the fact that half the school had just asked her to Hogsmeade.

"But you guys have only been out once. You aren't like, seriously dating are you? I don't think he'd be mad if you went with someone else," I raised my eyebrows at her and she huffed.

"What's with the twenty questions, Lily? I don't see _you_ going to Hogsmeade with anyone. Why is it a big deal that I go stag?" Pippa barked at me.

"It's not a big deal. And someone _did_ ask me…" I said carefully. "Chris asked me a few days ago."

"He _what?_" Pippa dropped the parchment and quill she was holding.

"I said no," I stuttered, startled by her violent reaction.

"But you guys are totally over. He knows that right? What was he thinking?" Pippa scoffed and when I didn't confirm she looked at me incredulously.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me, Lily. You broke up with him for a _reason_ remember? Have you completely forgotten that?" Pippa scooted around the coffee table we were sitting at so that she was directly across from me.

"I know we broke up," I hissed, glancing around to make sure no one was listening to our conversation. "But Potter's a lost cause. And I _do_ still have feelings for Chris. Would it be so crazy?"

"Yes," Pippa said without hesitating. "Lily, I always thought you were smart and had common sense. Can't you see how ludicrous this would be? What happened to that whole 'it's not right' feeling?"

"I don't know," I said defensively. "Maybe I was wrong. It was just a thought, Pip. Ease up."

"I'm sorry," Pippa said, her voice still urgent. "I just don't think it's a good idea."

"Fine," I spat. "Point taken."

We stared at each other in silence for a minute before I began to gather up my things.

"Where are you going? You haven't finished your essay," Pippa said quietly.

"Back to my room. I'm not getting anything done here," I snapped, throwing my bag over my shoulder and marching out of the portrait hole without looking back.

I stomped down the empty corridors towards the Heads Dorm. Why did Pippa care so much if I dated Chris again? Not that I had actually seriously considered it. But it would have been nice to have gotten a little support either way.

"Where's the fire, Evans?" I heard a smooth, deep voice call from behind me. I turned to see Sirius trotting behind me to catch up and I stopped to wait for him.

"In a hurry somewhere?" He asked, slowing his pace when he reached me.

"No, just going back to my room," I said roughly, picking up my pace again.

"Whoa, you're mad. Any particular person this is directed at?" Sirius chuckled.

"Stupid fight with Pippa. Its not even worth talking about," I said, letting out a deep sigh. "What's new with you? Any dates for Hogsmeade? I can't imagine you would ever go solo."

"As a matter of fact, I _am_ going alone this time," Sirius grumbled, running an irritated hand through his shaggy black hair.

"No one said yes?" I smirked and he rolled his eyes at me.

"No. I didn't ask anyone. Holly wanted me to double date with Prongs so I told her I wasn't going with anyone. It was the only way to get out of it. Except now I _can't_ go with anyone in case they see," Sirius explained. "And Remus is getting sick so he's not going and Peter mumbled something about studying."

"Are you a Marauder or not?" I scoffed. "Find a way around it. You've never been opposed to sneaking around before."

"Maybe I'll conveniently arrange to 'run into' someone there," he chuckled as we walked through the portrait hole to the Heads dorm. "Or we could go together."

"Sirius Black, are you asking me out?" I laughed and looked over at Sirius but he was looking straight ahead at something with a guilty expression on his face. I followed his gaze but only caught a glimpse of the tail of Potter's robes whipping out of site as he slammed his bedroom door.

"Oops," I said quietly, looking back to Sirius.

"Um, I'm going to go talk to James. It's what I came here for anyways," Sirius mumbled, starting for his door.

"We can still go to Hogsmeade together. I'm supposed to hang out with Pippa and Emilie. You can tag along, too. I promise we won't look at dress robes _all_ day," I gave him a small smile.

"Deal," he smiled back before knocking quietly on Potter's door. Not wanting to get caught in the middle of anything I slipped quickly into my bedroom and closed the door. I settled myself in at my desk and got to work finishing my essay.

_One_ more paragraph…. Just one. And then I can look at the book. My eyes moved unwillingly towards my bookshelf where my two black books were stored. I could just look for a few minutes… _No!_ Must. Finish. Essay.

I quickly wrote what was possibly the worst conclusion to a potions essay that I'd ever written and jumped off my chair, practically launching myself into my bookshelf. Damn book's like an obsession. In my haste to get the confessional I knocked the Clique's book off the shelf and it fell to the floor. I reached down to pick it up and I noticed that the page that it was opened to had just one line of text.

** Lily? You there? **

I stared at it for a second before recognizing it as Pippa's handwriting. I had no idea when she'd written this, but I grabbed a quill off my desk and lay back on my bed writing her a reply.

I'm here, Pip. What's up?

**Sorry about earlier. **

No worries. You don't want me with Chris again. I get it.

**No, it's not that at all. I actually don't mind Chris. Do whatever makes you happy. **

Thanks… I think? Is that all?

**No. **

…. Well?

**You're really good friends with Black.**

Not a question, Pip. Does that bother you?

**No…. well, yes? I mean, not that you're friends. I just wish I were that close to him, too. **

Well, I can help. I invited him to come to Hogsmeade with us.

**You did? You are beyond amazing. And… you know, you and Chris **_**are**_** pretty cute together…**

Thanks, Pip. You know… If you like Black so much, maybe you should tell him.

**I could say the same to you about Potter.**

Touché. What about Adrian, though?

**It's not a crime to have a little fun on the sides is it? I'll see you at dinner?**

Absolutely.

I closed the book and tucked it back on my shelf before grabbing my other little black book and laying on my stomach on my bed. I propped the book open and flipped through the pages to the newest confessions that I hadn't read. I still couldn't believe how well this worked out. More and more people were writing confessions now and still no one was using names. I knew we made that rule for a reason but deep down I had this burning desire to _know_ who wrote them and who they were about.

_132. I still blame my mother for the horrible things that happened to my family_

_133. I like to leave love letters in library books and pretend that you find one so you'll finally know how I feel._

_134.__My favorite flowers are forget-me-nots because they are your favorite._

_135. I lied to you so you would not get hurt._

_136. I'm ready to come home_

_137. I only feel beautiful when I'm hungry_

_138. I sit in the library and pretend to read, but I'm really eavesdropping on your conversations_

I paused, staring at confession #134: "My favorite flowers are forget-me-nots because they are your favorite". I took a deep breath and glanced up at my forget-me-not vase on my nightstand.

It couldn't be— but I can't be the only person at Hogwarts who's favorite flower is forget-me-nots. And either way, only the Clique knows its my favorite flower, and—but no. I couldn't let myself believe that.

I closed the book quickly so I wouldn't dwell on what I just read and jumped off my bed. I had to forget that I ever read that. There's no way I could get over Potter if I kept thinking things like this. If _only_ I could know who wrote that! Then I could know for sure that it was someone else and had nothing to do with me.

I grabbed my Transfiguration book off my desk to work in the common room. There were too many distractions in my room. If I stayed here, I'd be too tempted to look at the book again.

I walked into the common room just as Sirius was closing the door to Potter's room.

"Hey," I said, nodding in acknowledgement at Sirius. "What were you guys talking about?"

"Nothing, really. Just Marauder stuff," Sirius shrugged, but for some reason I didn't believe him. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Seriously, Evans. Guy stuff. I'll see you later."

"Are you still coming with us to Hogsmeade?" I called after him.

"Yeah," He called from the portrait hole. "Can't wait."

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! Look at that, an update in just a couple days! Aren't you proud? So I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter! Do you think James is jealous that Lily and Sirius are going on a friend-date to Hogsmeade. _

_So a couple things to look forward to in the next chapter:_

_- Sirius gives some fashion advice_

_- Someone gets a boyfriend_

_- Someone ALMOST says "I love you"_

_- And a friendship ends_

_Cheers! Leave a review or a prediction :) _


	24. Chapter 24 - Guessing Game

Chapter 24 - Guessing Game

A cool breeze blew lazily around the four of us as we made our way away from the castle to the small town of Hogsmeade. The Clique had said goodbye to Marley in the Great Hall once Liam met up with her. We had officially given him our stamp of approval when we saw that he had brought Marley a daisy, her favorite flower, and tucked it behind her ear. That sealed the deal for us. The Clique may have high standards, but we're suckers when it comes to romantic gestures.

A thoroughly disgruntled Sirius stomped along next to me, grumbling under his breath, and staring angrily at Potter and Holly who were walking a ways ahead of us.

"Don't be so sulky, Black," Pippa scolded, whacking him on the back of the head. "You're bringing the whole group down."

"I'm not sulking," Sirius muttered, shoving his hands in his sweatshirt pocket.

"Come on, Black," I exhaled. "So you don't have a date for once in your life. You'll live."

"Barely," he grumbled.

"We can go to Zonko's," I offered.

"Its no fun without Prongs," Sirius pouted as he kicked at a rock.

"We can go to the Three Broomsticks for butterbeer after," Pippa suggested.

` "Fine," Sirius moped but the thought of butterbeer seemed to cheer him up slightly.

"It's like babysitting a four-year-old," Emilie whispered to me and I stifled a laugh.

"Do we _have_ to look at dress robes?" Sirius whined and Emilie and I had to cover our mouths with our hands to stop ourselves from laughing.

"We won't be long," Pippa rolled her eyes at him.

"Yes you will," Sirius sulked. "You're _girls._"

"Fine," Pippa snapped. "We won't look at dress robes. What do _you_ want to do? Do you want to go to the Shrieking Shack or something?"

"No!" Sirius's head snapped up at once and we all stared at him. "It's just that… I've been there before. Not much to see. Let's go to Zonko's."

He picked up his pace and walked ahead of us. The three of us glanced at each other briefly with bewildered expressions before following quickly to catch up with Sirius.

"This color makes me look like a boy," Emilie whined as she twirled around in front of a mirror. The blue silk of the dress she was wearing spun around her looking like a river.

"How can a color make you look like a boy?" Pippa laughed, holding a low cut emerald green dress up to herself. "Does this dress match my hair?"

"It makes me look like a boy because it's blue," Emilie rolled her eyes at Pippa like it was _so_ obvious. "Ya know, like blue for boys?"

"Emilie, that's stupid," I sighed. "And Pippa you're hair is blond. Any color will match it." Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sirius let out a huge sigh and his head drop even

"Lily you haven't tried anything on yet," Pippa whined, throwing the green dress into her ever-growing pile of rejects.

"Nothing's catching my eye," I shrugged.

I heard the chime of the bell on the door as someone entered the shop. I glanced over to see a boy with blond hair hurry through the door.

"Hey, I'll be right back," I said quickly and turned towards the front of the store. "Where are you going?" Sirius asked, looking up at me from the floor. Emilie and Pippa were still preoccupied with finding the right dress to pay attention.

"Bathroom. I'll be back in a minute," I stepped over him and turned a corner in the store so they were all out of sight.

"Chris?" I called quietly.

He turned around, surprised, and I stared into the gaunt eyes and thin face that I'd become used to seeing now.

"Lily?" Chris's pale face split into a wide grin when he recognized me. "What are you doing here?"

"Shopping for dresses for the Snow Angel Ball. I haven't found one yet though," I said, still trying to keep my voice down so my friends didn't hear. "What are you doing here?"

"I ripped one of my robes the other day, so I'm here getting that fixed," he turned his gaze away from me and looked down at his shoes. "Look, I know you said you didn't think it was good it we came here together, but do you think maybe we could get a drink later?"

I sucked in a sharp breath. My better instinct was to say that it was a very, very bad idea. I couldn't get closer to Chris than I already was without risking falling back into how things used to be. That was a dangerous area. But I couldn't deny that a part of me really _wanted_ to get a drink with Chris. Pippa would kill me. But then again, how often did Pippa do things that I didn't approve of?

I bought myself a few seconds of thinking time by looking out the front shop window onto the street. The wind was blowing fallen leaves quickly across the ground and people were hugging their coats closer around themselves. Some students passed by the front of the window wearing scarves and hats and boy turned to say something to girl. Potter's face appeared from under a hat and I nearly stumbled backwards in surprise. He turned to the girl next to him, Holly, and pulled her hat closer around her head, brushing a stray piece of blond hair out of her eyes and tucking it behind her ear. The look on his face alone could have killed me right there. He was looking at her like she was the only girl in the world. And I realized that maybe for him, she _was_ the only girl in the world. It could have been me…_Stop, Lily!_ _You can't think like that anymore._

Something ached in the pit of my stomach and I clutched at it weakly, hoping it would go away. I watched for a second longer as they disappeared into the Three Broomsticks

"I guess a drink would be ok…" I whispered, watching as he hopefully raised his eyes back to my face. "We're going to the Three Broomsticks after this. Meet you there?"

"Sounds great!" Chris smiled and I waved at him as I backed toward the dressing rooms where my friends were.

"This one makes my face look fat," Emilie pouted as she twisted and turned in front of a mirror in a pale pink dress.

I saw Sirius let out another huge sigh and I turned to face him, crossing my arms. "Sirius, if you're so bored why don't you either leave or help us so we can leave sooner."

Sirius let out a huff and pushed himself off the floor. He scanned the racks of dresses, running his fingers through some of them. After a few moments of contemplation, he pulled three dresses off the rack.

"Emilie, green will look better than blue and won't make you look like a boy or make your face look fat." Sirius tossed an olive green bundle of silk at her and turned to Pippa. "Pip, I don't mean to be crude but you should show off what you have. Red looks killer on you; you'll be the center of attention." Pippa's face went bright red as Sirius handed her the dress. She held it up, watching the folds of silk flow down to her toes.

"Lily," Sirius said, snapping my attention away from Pippa's dress. "Dark blue and simple. I think you'll like it." He held out a midnight blue dress draped over his arms. I gently lifted it and held it up in front of the mirror. The dress was strapless and tightly fit all the way down to the knees where it flared out.

"Since when did you become such a fashion expert?" Pippa muttered, running her fingers over the red silk that she held up to herself in the mirror. "These dresses are perfect."

"You guys just passed right over those dresses. You always find more when you look a second time," Sirius shrugged. "Can we go now?"

"Tell me why you're sitting with Chris again?" Sirius hissed to me as we walked quickly through the crisp air towards the Three Broomsticks.

"He asked me to get a drink, that's all," I said back calmly. I'd told the Clique as we left that I would joining Chris instead. Emilie seemed fairly unsurprised, Pippa had remained resolutely silent on the point, though her eyes betrayed her disapproval. Sirius on the other hand…

"But we've been over this, Lily!" Sirius sputtered. "Nothing good will come from this!"

"Enough, Black," I snapped as we walked through the door to the Three Broomsticks. We were met by an inviting gust of warm air and I turned back to Sirius. "Look, I'm sick of being alone. The person I _was _hoping for has clearly moved on, so I should too."

Before he could argue with me anymore I spotted Chris sitting by himself at a table in the corner and I headed towards him. It was only when I was halfway there that I noticed Potter and Holly sitting in the booth right next to Chris. Perfect.

"Hey, Chris," I said, sitting down at the table. He perked his head up and gave me a heart-wrenching grin that caused my stomach to flip in more than one way.

Behind him, I saw Potter straighten up in his seat, no doubt listening to us.

"Why don't I get us some drinks?" Chris hopped up eagerly. I smiled at his excitement and nodded, watching him practically skip to the bar.

"What are you doing, Evans?" I heard an exasperated voice whisper.

I glanced up and saw Potter leaning over the partition between our booths. His hazel eyes were narrowed at me. I glanced behind him at Holly and saw that she was distracted by one of her Hufflepuff friends who had come to say hi.

"I'm having drinks with Chris, what does it look like I'm doing?" I hissed. I didn't want Chris to come back and see me talking to him.

"But why?" Potter urged, leaning over the booth even more.

"Mind your own business, Potter. I can have drinks with whomever I want," I sniffed. I started to turn away but Potter snapped his fingers, vying for my attention again.

"Come on, Evans. Friends tell each other stuff," he pleaded. Why on earth was he so bloody interested all of a sudden?

"Not everything, Potter," I hissed at him and turned away from him just as Chris returned to the table with two frothy butterbeers clutched in his hands.

"So did you guys end up finding dresses?" Chris asked, taking a seat across from me.

"Yeah, we did," I said, loosening up a bit. Potter was still glaring over the seat at me. "Sirius actually found them. Strangely enough, he seems to have an eye for that kind of stuff," I laughed.

"What does your dress look like?" Chris asked, leaning forward on the table.

"Um," I stuttered, lowering my eyes from Chris's. It had been so long since we'd been together. I forgot how jittery I got around him, how my stomach fluttered every time he looked at me, how his smile made my heart stop. "It's dark blue, long, elegant. It might be a bit _too_ fancy but Sirius picked it…"

"Are you going with him to the ball then?" Chris pressed.

"Merlin, no!" I laughed, taken by surprise. "I don't know who I'm going with. It's months away anyways. I've got loads of time…"

Chris nodded and took a drink of his butterbeer. Behind him I could hear Potter and Holly talking, not bothering to keep their voices down. Potter had his head bent towards Holly but I couldn't see his face.

"You know, Holly," he was saying, taking one of her hands in his. "I'm really glad we're together." Holly giggled and muttered that she was too. _Sick_.

"So Chris," I said loudly, trying to cover up their lovey-dovey conversation. "Do you know anyone you would want to take to the ball?"

I glanced away from Potter onto Chris's face and saw that his eyes were on me. My stomach did a double flip as he said, "there's one girl I just can't get out of my head."

Aside from the mad dance my stomach was doing at Chris's words, I couldn't help but overheard Potter's conversation again.

"Holly, there's something I've been meaning to tell you, but I don't want you to think I'm too forward," Potter said, raising his voice slightly so I could hear.

_Oh god_, I thought_, he's going to tell her he loves her. _My brain jumped into frantic mode as my thoughts stumbled around those words. He _couldn't_ tell her that. He just _couldn't! _ So I didn't the only logical thing I could think of…

"Chris," I said loudly, looking him straight in the eyes. "I've been thinking lately that I may have been too hasty in breaking up with you. I think we should try to work things out."

The silence that followed my statement was profound. Potter had stopped talking mid-sentence and his head was bowing slightly more with every passing second as if he was letting the words sink in.

Chris was staring at me with a mixture of amazement and disbelief.

"Are you serious, Lily?" He asked, leaning forward and staring at me intently.

"Yeah," I said, and I was surprised when I realized that it was actually true.

A sudden noise from Potter's table made me jump. When I looked up his seat was empty and Holly was frantically gathering her things as she called to Potter to wait for her. I glanced over to the door where his robes were just disappearing from sight.

The Clique was relatively supportive when I informed them at dinner of my snap decision to get back with Chris. With the exception of Pippa choking on her pot roast, they were all fairly enthusiastic about it, which eased my mind considerably. Even Sirius was relatively supportive. Even though he told me numerous times to be careful, he finally admitted that whatever made me happy, made him happy. There was only one person who didn't seem thrilled about it….

Potter hadn't left his room since he'd gotten back after Hogsmeade. Rounds were quickly approaching and I was getting more and more anxious for him to emerge from his room.

At midnight, when he still hadn't come out, I figured I would have to knock and remind him of rounds. The fluttering in my stomach as I approached his door was drastically different than earlier in the day.

I knocked softly on the door and when no one answered I knocked again.

"Potter? Its time for rounds…" I called through the door.

The door opened abruptly and Potter strode past me without saying a word. I hurried after him out the portrait hole, jogging to keep up with his abnormally fast pace.

"Potter, wait up!" I called after him, as I jogged down the hall.

He didn't answer but kept his fast pace and turned the corner where we normally split.

"James, stop!" I tried to call but it came out more as a strangled cry. I was bent over with my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I looked up and saw that he had stopped a few feet ahead of me and was slowly turning around.

Potter crossed his arms, looking down at me as I struggled to make my breathing normal again.

"Are you ok?" I asked, straightening back up to meet Potter's icy gaze. "You haven't left your room all night and now you're ignoring me."

"Why do you _think_ I'm mad, Evans?" Potter said steadily, keeping his eyes on my face. It was unsettling how emotionless he sounded and the lack of expression on his face.

"I was never good at guessing games," I replied, matching his cold stare. "You said it yourself: friends tell each other stuff. Can you please just tell me?"

I kept my eyes on him, not wanting to be the first one to break the stare off. Potter took a deep breath before he spoke.

"Lily, have you ever wondered why it's so hard for us to be friends?" Potter asked softly, breaking my gaze and looking down at his shoes.

"Well….yes," I admitted, still watching him. He lifted one of his hands and ran it through his hair.

"Maybe all of this work we're doing to be friends… why it's so hard, is because we're just not meant to be friends," Potter sighed lifting his head, his hazel eyes locking on mine.

I could feel something building in the pit of my stomach. Could this be the moment I've been waiting for these past few months? Would he finally tell me that the reason we can't be friends is that we're meant to be something much more than that?

"W-what do you mean?" I stuttered, my heart racing with anticipation.

"I think…. I don't know. Maybe it would be best if we just stopped trying to be something we're not: friends," Potter spoke softly, his forehead wrinkling slightly as though he were upset. "Look, we've both got our groups of friends and mutual friends in between. Maybe we should just leave it at that. You'll be the Head Girl and I'll be the Head Boy and that will be that."

It felt as though time has slowed down. Like every word Potter was saying was taking me further and further from reality. He couldn't really mean he didn't even want to be friends anymore, could he? All I could hear was my ragged breathing, the shallow pounding of my heart as it sputtered uselessly in my chest. I couldn't make myself respond or even tear my eyes away from his emotionless face.

"Lily?" I saw Potter's mouth form my name, the sound reaching my ears what seemed like ages later. "Are you ok?"

"No," I said simply, turning to walk away, leaving Potter blankly staring after me just like so many times before.

* * *

_A/N: Hi everyone! Thank you so so SO much for all of your wonderful reviews! I get a really super goofy grin on my face every time I get a notification of a new review, so keep 'em coming! I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter!_

_Next time on Hogwarts Confessional (I feel like those cheesy tv voiceovers on show previews):_

_- LOTS of new confessions!_

_- One confession is about Pippa. _

_- One confession is about Lily. _

_- Two names appear in the book._

_- There is a PDA war. _

_Cheers! Hopefully I'll have another chapter up this weekend!_


	25. Chapter 25 - The First Name

Chapter 25 - The First Name

"It was like, the whole day was so surreal. It's hard to believe it even happened!" Marley was gushing at us the next morning at breakfast. She couldn't stop talking about the amazing time she'd had with Liam. "I still get butterflies every time I think about him kissing me goodbye."

Marley let out a huge sigh and rested her head on her propped up hand.

"That sounds lovely," Emilie said stabbing her leftover sausage and swirling it around in the syrup on her plate, making artistic designs that quickly melted back into a nondescript pool.

"You're not even listening anymore Em," Marley lifted her head and wrinkled her brow at Emilie.

"Well you have been talking about Liam all through breakfast," Pippa shrugged.

"Oh," Marley dropped her eyes and stared at her plate. "Sorry, I didn't realize."

"Don't apologize," I soothed her. "We've all gushed about a boy before."

"Speaking of boys…" Emilie raised her head to look at me slyly. "How's everything with Chris?"

"Fine," I said lightly, taking a big drink of pumpkin juice.

"You're regretting getting back with him, aren't you?" Pippa stated boldly, staring right at me.

"No, I'm not," I said carefully, setting my juice glass down. Pippa and Emilie gave me skeptical looks and I scoffed at them.

"I'm not, really." I said defensively. "I'm glad to be back with Chris. It's nice to have someone around again, you know? Not always feel so lonely…"

"Hmmm," Pippa pursed her lips but turned the subject onto Adrian. "I have another date with Adrian on Friday. He won't tell me what we're doing though, he said it's a surprise."

"Well, that's exciting," Emilie shrugged. I could tell she was severely bored with this conversation.

"Ugh, we need to talk about something exciting," I said getting up from the table. "Come on, we haven't looked at the Confessional in a while…"

_194.__ I'm sick of being nothing but a pretty face._

_195.__ I like to leave love letters in library books and pretend that you find one so you'll finally know how I feel._

_196. __Do you remember what happened on the train? I wish that moment lasted forever._

_197. I have a huge crush on Remus Lupin._

_198. __I want to break up with my girlfriend._

_199. I get angry at friends of mine when they fall in love - because I believe it will never happen to me. I'm jealous._

"I want to know what happened on that train…" Pippa grabbed the book and reread the confessions again.

"I bet there were like, getting it on," Emilie giggled, elbowing Pippa in the ribs.

"People would have seen that… It must have been something else," Pippa muttered, skimming the confessions yet again.

"I want to find one of those love letters!" Marley laughed. "Maybe there's one in the library book I just checked out."

"Are any of your concerned with the fact that Remus is named in here?" I asked, grabbing the book back from Pippa and pointing at confession #197.

"Oh," Marley's face fell. " I guess that's bad, isn't it? They're not supposed to use names…"

"I mean, I know we all talk about wanting to know who these are about but I never thought people would actually use names," Emilie said seriously, a small crease forming between her eyes.

"Can you erase it, Lily?" Pippa asked, looking up at m.

"Not without erasing everything else," I said, running my fingers over the ink-stained page.

"So what do we do?" Emilie asked.

"I guess we just leave it for now and hope no one else puts in names. I guess if they do we'll just have to stick in a reminder note," I said, handing the book back to Pippa.

"Hey, there's a few more confessions on the next page," Pippa said turning the page to reveal a several lines of script.

_200. I can't stop thinking about that kiss…_

_201. This is harder for me than it is for you…but I respect your decision._

_202. I'm afraid everyone would be able to tell that my real confession was from me._

_203. I saw Adrian Austen snogging a girl in the library last Saturday night. _

Pippa paused when she read the last one and looked up at us with wide eyes.

"Another name," Marley said quietly, sinking back on her bed.

I really hoped no one noticed how my breathing abruptly stopped as panic shot through me at that confession. Last Saturday was the Truth-or-Dare night with the Marauders. I had been the one kissing Adrian Austen in the library that night.

"And this one's even about me," Pippa said tersely, shoving the book away from her.

"What?" I asked, looking up sharply at her.

"That night last Saturday, remember? I passed you in the hall when I was going to meet Adrian in the library?" Pippa said absently as reread the confession.

I let out a massive sigh of relief when I realized I _wasn't_ the only one who made out with Austen that night. Looking past how absolutely absurd it was that Pippa and I had snogged the same boy in one night, I could only hope that no more confessions about Austen appeared in the book.

"This is not good," Emilie muttered. "If names keep appearing, this could get very messy."

Marley and Pippa nodded in agreement but my thoughts had drifted back to a different confession:

_200. I can't stop thinking about that kiss…._

I got back to the Head's Dorm later that night to get ready for hanging out with Chris. It would be the first time I'd be with him since we'd decided to give it another go. I couldn't help but feeling anxious but I wasn't sure where the anxiety was directed.

Since Potter and I had decided not to be friends I hadn't felt quite at ease in the Head's Dorm. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every time I went in there. I had spent most of the last couple days in the Gryffindor Tower with the Clique. I had only seen Potter when I would come back before rounds and I had to admit to myself that part of my anxiety over having Chris over was Potter being around.

In my bedroom I closed my door to change and do something halfway decent with my hair.

I stared in my mirror for a long time, slowly realizing that I wasn't anxious about seeing Chris. At all. Which I found odd. When I dated him before, I would get butterflies in my stomach at just the thought of him. Now it was more like a half-assed gurgle. Although that could have been because I was hungry.

_You're an awful, awful person, Lily_, I scolded myself. Why could I never be happy with what I had? Here I was, back with Chris and _still_ thinking about Potter. _There is something seriously wrong with me._

A knock on the portrait hole startled me out of my thoughts and I rushed to answer it. Chris's face swam into view and at the sight of his heart-wrenching smile all thoughts of Potter were chased from my mind. All of my anxiety melted away when Chris stepped forward and laced his hands around the small of my back, kissing me lightly on the lips.

All of that worrying for nothing? Seriously, look up Lily Evans in the dictionary and it'll direct you back to the word "idiot". I really need to learn how to not stress about every little thing.

We sat in the common room for a long time, talking about almost everything. We delicately avoided any discussion relating to the break up, but we did however cover everything from Pippa's new obsession with Adrian Austen to what we had thought of doing after we left Hogwarts.

When the portrait hole opened later that evening it startled us and I quickly moved away from Chris; we had been sitting quite close. I sat up on the opposite side of the couch from Chris, trying to compose myself. We hadn't been doing anything other than talking, but I'd had my legs entwined with his while we held hands and talked in low voices in front of the fire.

Potter strode into the room, took one look at us, rolled his eyes and quickly locked himself in his room. That had become his usual entrance for the past few days whenever I'd been sitting in the common room doing homework. As much as I tried not to care what Potter thought or did, I couldn't help the sick feeling I got in my stomach every time he did this.

Chris and I looked over at each other after Potter had slammed his door. I winced a little at the harshness of the sound, but Chris seemed unmoved by the display.

The portrait hole opened again and Holly entered her uniform skirt swishing flirtatiously as she walked. Potter emerged from his room as he heard her and to my complete disgust kissed her passionately on the lips. My stomach churned uneasily and I slid closer to Chris on the couch, twisting my fingers into his.

"I missed you," I heard Potter mutter behind us. I glanced back and saw him brushing Holly's golden hair away from her face as he tapped his nose to hers.

"But I saw you a few hours ago," Holly giggled softly, kissing him again.

"I miss you whenever you're not with me," Potter cooed, making me want to vomit. I couldn't let him win this jealousy game. Even if he _didn't_ feel anything for me anymore I could still make him incredibly uncomfortable. Forget being mindful of PDA. It's on.

"Chris," I purred seductively, making sure my voice was loud enough for Potter to hear. I reached my hand up to stroke the side of his face. "Why don't we move to my bedroom? It's more…private in there," I flitted my eyes over to see Potter staring at me with his mouth slightly open. To put the icing on the cake, I leaned forward slightly and let my lips press softly to Chris's. With his hands in mine I pulled him towards my bedroom and with one last satisfied glance at Potter, I closed my door.

After Chris had left for the night I fell back on my bed, sighing loudly. I hadn't meant for things to get that heated between us but the tension between Potter and I had been built up so much that I needed a release. We'd gone further than I ever had with him and now that he was gone I couldn't tell how I felt about it. We still hadn't gone "all the way" - I'd stopped him carefully before it got that far - but my head was still reeling from the intensity of our time together. It had only been a few days since we'd been back together and I didn't want to move that fast.

I couldn't help but feel a tiny twinge of guilt that I'd used Chris to get to Potter. As I lay on my bed I realized that I only let Chris go so far with me because I wanted Potter to feel the kinds of things I'd been feeling for the past month. I wanted him to be jealous. Not exactly proactive behavior in getting over him, but I wasn't about to be another sulky girl he rejected. I wanted to show him that he meant nothing to me.

Unable to stand my racing thoughts anymore I grabbed my confessional book and headed out to the common room, sure that I'd heard Holly leave a while ago.

I flipped to the middle of the book where I had left off reading this afternoon with the Clique. There was almost a whole page of new confessions and I hungrily read them, craving the juicy gossip that kept this school interesting.

_204. You think I haven't told anyone about what we do. The truth is that at least 5 people know about it…_

_205.__ I only feel beautiful when I'm hungry._

_206. Your PDA is OUT OF CONTROL. _

_207. If you asked me to marry you tomorrow, I would say yes._

_208. My sister hates me because I got into Hogwarts and she didn't. We're pureblood._

_209. Austen made out with two different girls that night in the library. _

I could feel the color drain from my face at that last confession. Someone had seen me kissing Austen. Or one of the people there with me on that dare had ratted me out. Either way, this was not going to go over well.

Whether Pippa found out it was me or not didn't make much of a difference at this point. She was going to be crushed when she read that he was going around kissing other girls.

The image of Pippa curled up on the couch crying herself to sleep stabbed painfully at my memory. I was trying so hard to wrap my head around the growing frequency of names appearing in the book while at the same time mentally preparing myself for Pippa's reaction that I didn't even hear when Potter came out of his room and sat in one of the armchairs by the fire.

"Lily?"

His voice startled me from my thoughts and I realized that he had been speaking to me, asking me something.

I looked over at him, sheer panic written plainly across my face, I'm sure, and was startled yet again to see that instead of looking cold and emotionless as I had grown used to over the past week, he almost looked concerned.

"You're white as a sheet. What's wrong?" He asked cocking his head to the side as his face relaxed into an almost-worried expression.

For a split second I actually considered telling him, wrapping my shaking arms around him and crying. I wanted to be comforted and told that everything would be alright—but no, I couldn't. I could recall all too clearly the night he said we couldn't be friends. Telling him anything right now would cross that line and those were feelings that I did not want to revisit.

"Nothing," I responded coldly, turning my back on him and escaping to my room.

Closing the door quickly behind me, I leaned back against it letting my head rest against the cool wood.

"_Everything_," I whispered to my empty room. And then I cried.

* * *

_A/N: So I realize I have a habit of leaving chapters on rather depressing notes, sorry about that! The next chapter will end on a bit more hopeful note :) _

_So with that, here's what you can look forward to in the next chapter!_

_- Lots more confessions!_

_- And one of them mentions Lily!_

_- Marley finds herself in an awkward situation._

_- Remus gives some good advice._

_- And Lily has a realization. _

_I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter! And don't forget, some of our main characters have been writing confessions! Can you tell which ones? _


	26. Chapter 26 - Ruthless Thy Name is Potter

Chapter 26 - Ruthless, Thy Name is Potter

_238. I sometimes whisper I love you when we kiss in the hopes that you'll hear._

_239. Allen Buckley annoys the crap out of me._

_240. You might be my best friend's boyfriend but I still want to sleep with you._

_241.__ I've sat and watched you date and kiss all these guys. Yet I wish you could open your eyes to the guy who's been there through it all. Me._

_242. How is Meredith Russell only a 4__th__ year? She looks like she's thirty. _

_243. I feel stupid for thinking you could actually love me as much as I love you._

"Should we be worried about the names showing up in here?" Emilie asked, propping herself up on her bed with her elbows.

"Probably… it's become more frequent," I said, flipping through the newest confessions. "I have no idea how to erase those without lifting one of the charms for a bit…That could be chaotic."

"I mean….I guess we should just let it be for now," Emilie responded, glancing over at Pippa who was tracing her fingers over the pattern on her bed-spread.

"Pippa, what do you think?" I asked, nudging her slightly.

"Hm?" Pippa murmured, obviously distracted by something.

"Earth to Pippa," Emilie giggled, tossing her confessional book at her. The book hit her lightly on her arm and she startled, jumping up to a sitting position.

"What?" She was suddenly alert, looking questioningly around at Emilie and I. We hadn't seen Marley for a few hours since lunch. We figured she was in the library. It felt weird having Girl Talk without her but it had been a while and we couldn't find her. We'd catch her up on everything later.

"You've been distracted all day," I said, tugging playfully on one of her golden curls. "What's on your mind?"

Pippa sighed, her fingers still moving distractedly along the seams of her blanket.

"Come on Pip, you can tell us," Emilie crawled off her bed to come sit with us.

"Well, you all read that confession about Austen," Pip muttered, not taking her eyes off her hands.

My insides froze as I recalled the confession from a few days ago:

#_209. Austen made out with two different girls that night in the library._

Whatever happened, Pippa could _not_ find out that the other girl was me. Not only is she already upset about it, but if would completely destroy our friendship. I doubt she'd even take time to listen to _why_ I had kissed him.

"To be honest Pippa, Austen's not exactly the most trustworthy guy is he?" Emilie said, putting a sympathetic hand on Pippa's shoulder.

"But he seemed so…_nice_ when we've hung out. I thought things were fine and then he's snogging some other girl," Pippa said, her voice sounding rough as if she were trying to hold in her emotions.

"Maybe there's an explanation for it," I suggested, trying to think quickly of a way to divert Pippa from thinking the worst. "Maybe the girl made out with him and he didn't even want her to. Someone could have just seen it at the wrong moment."

Pippa sighed, her fingers pausing over the bed as she contemplated this.

"That's true, I guess," she said quietly. "I mean, we're not exactly exclusive right? He can make out with whomever he wants to. And so can I."

"Well, maybe that's not the best way to look at it," I said tentatively. "I mean, if you want exclusivity you should tell him. Then things like this wouldn't happen. You deserve his full attention. Don't settle for anything less."

"No, no, it's fine," Pippa waved me off. "Really. The relationships I've been in recently haven't worked out and I think it's because I was asking too much of them. I shouldn't try to force guys into relationships. It's not attractive."

I couldn't help but disagree with her philosophy but just as I was about to contradict her she cut me off and started talking about the next date she and Adrian have planned.

"Seriously, Lily can you please just tell me the answer to this one?" Sirius whined from across the table from me. I saw Remus roll his eyes out of the corner of my eye and I smirked to myself.

"You can figure it out by yourself," I smiled at Sirius, trying to contain my laughter. I shot Remus an amused look and I saw him stifle his laughter, too.

"Why are you guys laughing at me? I seriously can't figure it out!" Sirius complained again, slamming his head down on the table in frustration.

"Sirius, the answer is right in the question. Read it carefully. They're asking what kind of antidote you would use," I said, picking his face up out of his hands and sliding the homework back under his face. I pointed obviously at the poison the problem mentioned.

Sirius stared at it for a minute then groaned. "I'm an idiot," he said, laying his head dramatically back down on the table.

Remus and I let out our laughter as Sirius repeatedly banged his head on the table.

"Ok, I have to take off. Rounds start soon," I said, gathering my things.

"Is Chris going with you during rounds?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes at him. "No, Chris doesn't come with me on rounds."

I noticed that Sirius was suddenly very intent on finishing his homework, but Remus kept up the conversation. They'd both been surprisingly calm about my getting back together with Chris. I suspected that it was because Potter wasn't showing any signs of dumping Holly and they'd seen how miserable I'd been lately. While Remus was more open to talking about Chris with me I noticed that Sirius was a bit more hesitant to talk about it, though he didn't openly disapprove.

"Are things OK with you guys?" Remus asked, gathering his things to walk with me. "Sirius are you staying for a while?"

"Yeah, I want to finish this," He muttered, still concentrating on the questions.

"Things are fine," I said automatically. I'd become so used to responding this way whenever someone asked me about Chris. It wasn't that it was untrue; I just wasn't really sure what else to say about it. To be honest, I had so many mixed feelings about the subject that I didn't really like talking about it.

"That doesn't sound so fine," Remus said as we left the library together.

"No, it really is fine," I said. "It's just…. I'm still getting used to being back with him. It's going to take some adjustment, I guess."

"Is that a good thing though?" Remus asked, looking at me earnestly. "I mean, in my opinion relationships shouldn't really be an adjustment. You make it sound like it's a bad adjustment."

"It's not!" I said defensively. "It's just…been a while since we were together. I forgot what it was like. Really, I _like _being back with him."

"Alright, as long as you're happy," Remus sighed.

"Hold on," I said, putting my arm out to stop Remus. "Do you hear that?"

"I really hope it's not people snogging," Remus chortled. "Why does this always happen when I'm with you?"

"It's so awkward. But technically I'm on duty now," I whispered at him. We walked quietly up to a closed classroom door and pressed our ears against it. I could hear shuffling inside the room. Probably a couple snogging like Remus had said. Ugh. More love. I can't take this anymore.

I opened the door quickly, creating as much noise as possible so the people inside would have a chance to compose themselves.

Remus and I poked out heads through the doorway in time to see Marley and Liam scrambling to stand upright from their presumably horizontal previous position. Marley was anxiously smoothing out her shirt as Liam combed quickly through his hair, trying to make it lie flat.

"Oh my god," I said, my mouth dropping open. Remus and I were literally frozen in the doorway staring as Marley straightened her skirt, partially hiding herself behind Liam.

"I'm so sorry, Lily," Marley squeaked, peering around Liam. Her hair was slightly ruffled and she quickly ran her fingers through it, smoothing it out. "I didn't realize how late it was."

"That's fine," I said, still rooted to the spot by my awkwardness. I tried to look away from them to give them a chance to fully compose themselves, but I couldn't tear my eyes away. I'd never seen Marley with a guy before. Ever. She'd always been so innocent to the rest of the Clique when it came to matters of boys.

"We'll just go now," Marley breathed as she rushed past me out the door with Liam right behind her.

I caught her arm as she was pushed past me. "Marley, wait," I said, finally unfreezing.

She stared at me with her wide brown eyes, clearly terrified that I would chew her out for being out after hours with a boy.

"Seriously, it's fine." I soothed her, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her hair. " I won't tell Emilie or Pippa if you don't want me to."

"Thanks, Lily," Marley whispered, pecking me on the cheek before Liam pulled her away by the hand.

"That was so awkward," Remus blurted when Marley and Remus were out of sight.

"I've never seen that side of Marley before. It's….wow." I said, still a bit dazed.

"Well it was bound to happen sometime, right?" Remus chuckled. We resumed walking towards the Heads Dorm.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But it's _Marley_. She's so….innocent!"

"Not anymore," Remus laughed, clapping me on the back with his arm. "She's seventeen, Lily. I know you're more protective of her than anyone else but you've got to let to her experience life a bit."

"Hmph," I grunted. He was right though, I didn't like the idea of Marley hooking up with boys. She was so delicate. I couldn't bear the thought of someone breaking her heart.

"Come on, you're already late for rounds," Remus said pulling me faster along the corridor.

I flopped down on my bed after rounds, exhausted. Thankfully nothing eventful had happened after I caught Marley and Liam in the classroom. Since I had been late for rounds to begin with, it was nearing two in the morning by the time I finished. Me and my perfectionist ways. I could have just done a half-assed job and been back here by one.

I grabbed my confessional off my nightstand and flipped through to the most recent confessions. It was pretty common anymore to see a name or two each time I checked. I really tried not to worry about it too much. As long as people weren't spreading false rumors about anyone I really didn't see the harm in it.

_263. The weeks to come terrify me. Life as I know it is vanishing and I have to choose what's next. I wish I knew where you stand. I'm lost._

_264. I've cheated on almost every school test I've ever taken._

_265. You think I haven't told anyone about what we did…The truth is, that at least 5 people know about it._

_266. "Intelligent, charming, cute…" Am I really all of those things?_

_267. Angela Monroe is the prettiest girl I've ever seen._

_268. When will Evans and Potter finally get together? They're obviously perfect for each other._

I slammed the book shut, not even bothering to finish the last confession. This was the first time _my_ name had appeared in the book. It wasn't even anything _bad. _But it was definitely something I did not want to see at the moment. I was already having enough trouble getting completely over him. I was starting to enjoy being back with Chris. _Why_ did someone have to go and write that? All it did was put that seed of hope back in my head.

And why on earth can other people at Hogwarts see that he and I would be good together except him?

_Stop, stop, stop_, I mentally shouted at myself. _Stop thinking about him_.

I tried to think of Chris and out date to Hogsmeade the upcoming weekend. I thought of the different things we would do in the village. But every new image that came into my head was immediately chased out by the image of Potter's face. Would he ever leave me alone? Ruthless, they name is Potter._ Damn him! Leave me alone!_

I tossed my confessional across the room so that it landed with a _thump!_ next to my bookshelves.

It was then that I realized that no matter what I did or who I dated, I would never be able to fully extract all thoughts of Potter from my head…

…And it was time to do something about it.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! I hope you're all still enjoying the story! I am absolutely thrilled with the response this story is getting and I cannot thank you all enough for all your wonderful reviews! _

_SO what do we think Lily is going to do about her not being able to get James out of her head? And what about Chris? And how will they take care of the names in the book? _

_Here's what you can look forward to in the next chapter:_

_- Another trip to Hogsmeade._

_- Marley gives Lily some advice._

_- One of our couples breaks up. _

_- James and Lily have a talk. _

_I'd love to hear your thoughts! Leave a review :) _


	27. Chapter 27 - Almost

Chapter 27 - Almost

"How on earth did you convince me to come with you guys today?" Emilie grumbled, pulling her cloak tighter around her shoulders. A particularly strong gust of cold wind blew around us as we walked quickly towards Hogsmeade and we all huddled closer for warmth.

"Because you love us, that's how," Pippa snapped, ducking her head lower against the wind.

"We haven't had Clique time in forever," Marley said, linking her arms through mine and Emilie's. "Where do you guys want to go first?"

"Wherever is warmest," I shivered.

We slipped inside the closest shop, Zonko's, and were immediately greeted by a rush of warm air. Most students had opted not to brave the cold weather and stayed at the castle so most of the shops were relatively empty. It was a nice change from the usual swarm of students crowding all of the shops.

"Pip, are things still ok with Adrian?" I asked as we wandered around the shop. "I haven't heard you mention him lately."

"Things are fine," she said lightly, turning her face away from the rest of us.

"Really?" I asked doubtfully. I recognized the same stiffness in her voice as when people asked me about Chris. She wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Sure," Pippa shrugged, busying herself with the joke wands. "I'm meeting up with him here later. We're going to Madame Puddifoots."

"Are you still upset about that confession that he was kissing another girl?" I asked hesitantly. Since it had been published, she'd suddenly put a hold on any Adrian talk.

"I was never upset about it," Pippa said sharply, turning away from me towards the love potions. "We've both just been busy and haven't hung out much lately. It's no big deal. I'm seeing him today, aren't I?"

"Fine," I said, noticing how defensive she was getting.

"So you and Chris are good? Marley said you guys were getting drinks with her and Liam at the Three Broomsticks later." Emilie said.

"Yeah, we are. Things are good with Chris, though," I said, putting obvious emphasis into the "good" part while flashing Pippa a look.

"Em, what are you gonna do when we all go off later? Do you have any plans to meet up with someone?" Marley asked as we all walked out of the shop and back onto the cold street, searching for our next stop.

"I think I might try to find Remus and them to hang out for a bit," Emilie said quietly, ducking her head slightly.

"Remus isn't here today. He's sick, didn't you know?" Marley asked, pulling Emilie closer to her for warmth.

"He is?" She asked, sounding concerned.

"Peter told me earlier that he's been in bed all weekend with a fever," Marley told her.

"Poor Remus," Pippa shook her head. "That's like, the third time he's been sick this year."

"Really? That much?" Emilie asked, seeming perplexed. "I don't remember him missing class that often."

"He's in class," I chimed in. "But haven't you noticed when he looks so tired in class sometimes? Like he'd gotten no sleep the night before."

"I hadn't noticed," Emilie trailed off, lost in her own thoughts.

Pippa steered us into another shop just as a cold wind kicked up again and we gladly retreated into the warm confines of Honeydukes.

_279. I've learned that if I pretend to be stupid, I can get away with a lot more. _

_280. Who's hotter: Katie Stone or Pippa Birch?_

_281. I'm waiting for the day when I ask you "what are you thinking about?" and you answer with one word… "You"._

_282. I secretly hate my friends, its hard having friends half your size._

_283. I know we hurt each other, but I now we would take each other back in a heartbeat. I still love you._

"I can't believe you brought your book with you today," I chuckled as Marley and I hunched closer over her little black book.

"I figured we might get bored at some point," she laughed and she turned the page to more secrets.

"I keep thinking we should try to do something about these names," I said seriously, as we read more confessions. I was getting tired of seeing Pippa's name shooting up everywhere in the book. It wasn't even bad things, but come on, there are other hot girls in Hogwarts beside her. Not that I wanted to see my own name in there ever again, but still…

"We've been over this, though. What can we do without lifting one of the charms temporarily to delete it? That could cause chaos. It's best to just not think about it," Marley suggested. She glanced up towards to door to see if Liam or Chris had arrived yet, but no luck.

"You seem to be spending a lot of time with Liam lately," I said lightly, glancing up at Marley to see that she was blushing. "Things must be going well?"

"Very well," Marley said in a small voice as she tried to keep her composure.

"Spill, Mar," I said, poking her in the ribs.

"He's absolutely _wonderful, _Lily. I've never met anyone like him in my entire life," Marley gushed in one breath, turning towards me in the booth and grabbing my hands. "We have so much in common and he's just so _nice_ and doesn't pressure me to do anything I don't want to."

"That's great," I said, squeezing her hand.

"So, you and Chris are really ok?" Marley asked, giving me one of her penetrating stares. There was no use lying to Marley.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully for the first time.

"What's wrong?" She asked, her brown eyes wide and attentive.

"I can't really put my finger on it," I said, breaking her gaze. "I keep thinking that the only reason we're back together is because I was trying to make Potter jealous."

"That's still going on? I thought you were over him," Marley wrinkled her brow slightly.

"Not quite," I admitted. "But he's still with Holly, isn't he? I really did try to get over him. But I can't seem to get him out of my head."

"Well, maybe that's a sign that you shouldn't _try_ to get him out of your head," Marley said softly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking up to see that she was smiling slightly.

"He liked you for so long, Lily," Marley urged gently. "You don't just get over that kind of thing right away. Even if he's not showing it, he still has feelings for you. Listen to what you just said: as hard as you try, you can't get him out of your head. The same thing's probably happening for him, too."

"We barely even talk anymore, though," I said discouragingly.

"That doesn't matter," Marley said brushing it off. "What matters is that now that you're back with Chris, Potter probably thinks there's zero possibility of getting with you. Did you ever think that maybe he started dating Holly to make _you_ jealous? You guys really aren't so different, you know."

I was silent for a moment as I thought that over. Maybe Marley had a point…

"If you really want to be with Potter, maybe what you should be thinking about is what to do about Chris," Marley said hesitantly. I could tell she wasn't trying to convince me either way, just giving me food for thought. What I had to figure out what whether I thought she was right or not….and it was pretty that I thought she was right. But where to go from there? How do I fix things with Potter? How do I get out of things with Chris? This could only end badly…

I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Chris had arrived and I excused myself to go greet him.

"Hey, love," Chris beamed at me, pecking me on the cheek. I cringed internally at the words. I was back to where I was before, hurting him unintentionally. I was hurting him even now just by still having feelings for Potter. I couldn't keep him hanging on when I wasn't fully committed to him. But how could I let him down _again_ after getting his hopes up?

He noticed my solemn face. "Are you ok, Lily?" He asked soothingly, brushing the stray hair away from my face and looking me deep in the eyes.

"You can tell me anything, you know that right?" Chris said earnestly.

"I know that," I agreed, still feeling rotten inside.

"If things are going to work with us again, we can't have secrets," Chris laced his fingers through mine, pulling me closer to him. "I really think things can be even better than before, we just have to be honest."

_Can't have secrets. Be honest. Tell me anything_. Those were such tall orders for me. Even if I wanted to, could I possibly ever make it work with him knowing what I know? Having kissed Potter last year while we were still dating? With this affair of emotions I was having right at this very moment? I could never let myself be entirely Chris's, and as cruel as it seemed in my head maybe the best way to let him down was to admit to all of this. It could absolutely crush him, but at least I would be honest.

"Lily, please just tell me? You're starting to worry me," Chris urged, squeezing my hand.

"There's something you should know," I said carefully, lifting my eyes to meet his gaze. My stomach flipped in my stomach as I thought over what I was about to say.

Chris's face visibly dropped as he noticed my solemn tone. His eyes became cold and distant and I suspected that he knew what I was about to do.

"Do you remember how I went to that party with the Marauders and the Clique in my dorm the night before we left for summer last year?" I started in a low, steady voice.

Chris nodded, keeping his steely eyes on me.

"Well, that night James Potter and I kind of….kissed," I choked out, bracing myself for Chris's reaction.

"What?" Chris said through his teeth, his eyes narrowing as he drew in a deep breath. "Potter came onto you?"

"Not exactly," I tried to explain but Chris cut me off.

"I always knew he had a thing for you, but I figured he'd at least leave you alone while you were _dating me_," Chris seethed. His grip on my hands tightened and I tried to break away form it.

"_Damn it_, Lily!" Chris burst angrily, and I stepped back from him, slipping my hands from his. I hadn't expected him to react quite this violently.

"Chris, calm down," I urged him, glancing around to see that his angry outburst had attracted some attention.

"Calm down?" Chris shot an angry look at me, his eyes burning with accusations. He reached behind him to the bar and grabbed an empty glass, knocking it to the ground. The glass shattered around my feet, causing me to jump as shards sprayed all around us.

"You and I, we're over," I said forcefully, taking another step away from him.

"You're damn right we're over," Chris yelled, knocking another glass to the ground next to me.

"Lily, let's go," a voice hissed in my ear and I recognized it as Marley. She tugged vigorously on my cloak, pulling me towards the door. I noticed Liam trying carefully to approach Chris as he knocked more bar glasses to the floor.

"Liam, leave him," Marley pleaded, pulling me harder towards the door. All I could do was stare as I watched Chris's rage take over him.

The cold November air hit me hard as we stumbled out onto the street, Marley still clinging desperately to me.

"Are you ok?" She asked, worry seeping into every word.

"I'm fine," I breathed, shaking my head as I tried to rid myself of those last images of Chris.

I sat nervously in the common room, changing my position every few minutes. I couldn't seem to get comfortable. Every time I settled into a new position, images of Chris flooded my vision.

A fire was roaring in the stone fireplace, but I still felt cold. I hopped off the couch and sat on the flat stones right in front of the fire hoping that would warm me.

As awful as everything had been I couldn't help but feel slightly relieved. Getting back with Chris had been a huge mistake, but it was rectified now, even if somewhat violently. I could only hope that he kept his composure in class.

The portrait hole opened, making me jump. I caught my balance before I toppled into the fireplace and saw Potter wander into the common room, looking distracted. There was no doubt he'd heard what happened by now. The entire school had heard. It was all over the confessionals. There was nothing about me admitting to my kiss with Potter, just that I broke up with Chris and he didn't take it so well.

Potter startled slightly when he noticed me by the fire and stared at me strangely.

"Why are you sitting so close to the fire?" he asked, his hazel eyes narrowing.

"I was cold," I said quietly, my eyes locking with his.

"Listen, Lily," Potter dropped his eyes and sat down in the armchair closest to my place on the floor. "I heard what happened at the Three Broomsticks. I know we're not…we're not really…. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here."

I turned my back to him and stared into the flames of the fire.

"It was just so stupid, getting back with Chris," I sighed, shaking my head. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"Well, you guys have a history. You seem to have a connection with him," I heard Potter say in a somewhat strained voice.

"Not anymore," I said flatly, throwing a stray piece of burnt wood back into the flames.

I could feel Potter's eyes on my back as a thousand different thoughts flew through my head. I could tell him. I could tell him everything right now. How I broke up with Chris to be with him. How I got back with Chris to make him jealous. How I can't stop thinking about him no matter how hard I try. But what would he say? That he thinks about me too and if I say the word he'll run off and break up with Holly to be with me? I doubt it.

"You don't seem sad," Potter observed, phrasing it more as a question.

"I'm not," I agreed, turning around to face him in the chair.

"Well, I guess that's….good?" Potter ran a distracted hand through his messy hair.

"Look, I hate not being friends with you," I admitted bluntly, tilting my head upwards to meet his eyes again.

Potter took a deep breath in and broke my gaze, staring into the fire. What was he thinking about? What I wouldn't give to know what was going on in his head right now…

"Just…it's weird, you know? Not talking at all," I said, my breath catching in my throat. "I mean, I know we weren't exactly best friends before but we _are _Head Boy and Girl and I think that it would just be easier if we were friends again…"

"Is that the only reason you want to be friends? Because it would be easier as Head Boy and Girl?" Potter asked, his hazel eyes flitting back to mine. It suddenly felt a million degrees in the room when he locked eyes with me. It was as if he knew what I wanted to say, that I had fallen for him after all these years. He was waiting for me to say it. All I had to do was say it, why couldn't I open my mouth? Wasn't this what I had been waiting for, this opportunity?

"Not, that's not the only reason," I finally confessed tugging nervously on a lock of red hair while maintaining eye contact. "James, I—"

"Jamie, it's time for rounds," Holly's piercing voice combined with the portrait hole banging open jolted me out of my thoughts. I lost my balance on the floor, nearly toppling into the fire but luckily I caught myself on my hands, almost burning my fingertips as I touched the hot stones near the fire.

I saw Potter's gaze jerk away from me as he focused on Holly's advancing figure.

"What are you guys talking about?" Holly's gaze became accusatory as she noted Potter leaning forward in his chair towards me while I was sprawled on the floor by the fire.

I couldn't form words as I could only concentrate on what I had almost just said to Potter. Luckily he thought more quickly than I did.

"We were discussing things for the Snow Angel Ball," Potter said calmly, his eyes flitting to my face briefly.

"Well, come on, you don't want to be late for rounds," Holly pulled him out of the chair as I watched them disappear through the portrait hole along with what could have been my only chance to finally tell him how I feel.

* * *

_A/N: I know you all probably hate me right now for having Holly come in at the last second, but i promise it's for the best! And I know my chapters are really short, but I'm working on making them longer! _

_So the next chapter has a lot of action in it! And a LOT of James/Lily interaction, so instead of giving you some teasers, I'm going to give you a sentence from the next chapter :)_

**_"Chris wheeled around toward me, his eyes red and glazed from drinking. He paused when he recognized me and dropped his wand to his side as we stared at each other."_**

_Happy reading! I'll have more up soon! Leave a review :) _


	28. Chapter 28 - What Are Friends For?

Chapter 28 - What Are Friends For?

I wandered the castle distracted by my thoughts of the almost-moment I had just had with Potter. It was amazing how one small blond person could single-handedly ruin everything. If only Holly had come just a few minutes later…

I ran my hands anxiously through my hair as I turned down a new hallway. When would I ever get another chance like that to tell him how I feel? With Holly still around that may never happen…

My thoughts were interrupted by a crashing sound coming from around the corner in the next corridor. Of all the nights for me to have to bust a student out after hours, this was the worst.

I rounded the corner quietly, not wanting to scare whoever was lurking in the corridor but there was no one there. Confused, I walked a few steps forward and heard a shattering noise from inside the classroom I was standing next to. The door was already half open and I pushed it open the rest of the way slowly so I wouldn't make any noise. I froze immediately when I saw who inside. I lowered my wand slowly as my mind tried to grasp what was going on before my eyes.

Chris was staggering with his back to me, a bottle clutched in one hand and his wand grasped tightly in the other. He was aiming his wand unsteadily at the other front of the classroom where he was haphazardly firing spells at the wall, occasionally hitting one of the many bottles he had lined up there. He would laugh softly when he hit one while it exploded, sending shards of glass skidding underneath the rows of desks. We were both far enough away that we did not get hit by the flying debris, but I took a startled step back when I realized how intoxicated he was and the bottles he had lined up had been drained by him. There were still five glass bottles set against the wall and who knew how many he had already destroyed?

I backed up a little more, not wanting to be too close to him in his apparent drunken state. The heel of my shoe caught on a crack in the stone floor and sent me falling back, barely catching myself on my hands and I hit the floor.

Chris wheeled around toward me, his eyes red and glazed from drinking. He paused when he recognized me and dropped his wand to his side as we stared at each other.

I scrambled to my feet as quickly as I could. _Why_ did Potter have to be on patrol with Holly? Of all the times that I could use his interference, it would be now.

I stumbled as I righted myself, trying to find my balance. I was so stunned to see Chris like this. In all the time that we had dated, I had never seen him so much as _touch_ a bottle of alcohol. He knew of course, that I drank occasionally and was fine with that, but he had never mentioned anything of his habits. I had naively assumed that he had none.

"Lily," he muttered, his watery eyes narrowing at me. He took a staggering step toward me and I moved back instinctively.

"Chris, what are you doing out so late? You need to get back to your common room," I said, trying to disguise the panic in my voice as authority.

"You can't tell me what to do, _Evans_," he sneered at me, taking another step forward and sticking the bottle in his mouth for another drink.

"Yes, I can Chris," I said, my voice getting louder. "I'm Head Girl and you're supposed to be in bed."

"Funny, Evans," Chris laughed dangerously, taking another step towards me. "I could never get _you _into bed."

"You're drunk, Chris." I accused backing away from him farther. My heart was pounding quickly in my chest. I was sure he could hear it. "You need to leave."

"I don't have to do anything, Evans," he slurred at me, raising his wand to me. He stared me right in the eyes as he raised his bottle again.

My grip on my own wand tightened as I raised it as well, pointing it straight at his chest.

"One move and I'll take you down. I swear I will," I threatened him. My self defensive instincts were starting to kick in and I straightened up even more. I was definitely quicker than him in his current state and I was smarter. I was sure I'd be able to at least disarm him before he could do any harm. _Where_ was Potter when I needed him? I made a mental note to make Potter come with me on rounds from now on.

"There's no one here to save you, Evans," Chris laughed at me, seeming to read my mind. My confidence wavered as I realized he may not be a match for me in terms of magic, but physically he was much stronger than me.

"Watch it, Chris," I warned him. I wasn't used to being on the defensive with him. It was unnerving. "I _will_ do what's necessary to keep myself safe, even if that means stunning you."

"Right," he snarled at me and raised his wand.

"Chris, I don't want to fight you," I pleaded, lowering my wand slightly. I was scared for myself but I couldn't shake the fact that this was Chris standing in front of me. _My _Chris. _No_, I scolded myself mentally. I couldn't think of him like that anymore.

"No, but you _did_ want to cheat on me," he spat at me. I cringed as I realized what he was talking about.

"I _didn't_ cheat on you, Chris. I never meant to hurt you like this," I insisted. In my mind, I _hadn't_ cheated on him. It was Potter who had initiated the kiss and even though I didn't stop it soon enough, it wasn't exactly wanted. All of this had made sense at one point. I had broken up with him to save him from getting hurt in the future when I inevitably fell for Potter.

"_You_ were the one freaking out at the end of the year that I was going to break up with you. What the hell was I supposed to think when two weeks later you broke up with me? It didn't make sense, Lily," Chris roared at me, advancing on me as I backed up even more, bumping into the wall behind me, next to the door. "And then getting back together? What the _hell_ was I supposed to think about all this?"

"I know and I'm_ sorry_, Chris. I wish I could explain but I'm not even sure myself," I cried. He was starting to scare me and I was desperate for any kind of help. Maybe Potter had heard our yelling by now. I hoped he had. _Please_ let him have heard us.

"Try and explain to me, Lily," Chris begged. He stumbled to the side slightly. I wondered how much of this he would remember tomorrow.

"I can't, Chris." I said forcefully. My knuckles were turning white from gripping my wand so hard. I needed to do something _soon_. This was getting out of hand. Was I or was I not Head Girl, after all?

"It was Potter, wasn't it?" He growled, stumbling backwards again. I took advantage of his momentary disability and moved away from the wall so I wasn't cornered anymore, but I was still stunned by this accusation.

"It wasn't," I urged, but my voice broke. He could tell I was lying.

"It was, wasn't it?" Chris asked, lowering his voice to a dangerous whisper.

"I swear, Chris. There was no one else. It just wasn't right. You've _got_ to believe me," I pleaded. I had to regain control of this situation. I should just stun him or something. But when I looked into his glassy brown eyes, all I could see was the Chris I used to know, and I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.

"You're lying to me," He shouted as he threw the now empty bottle in his hand against the wall next to me, shattering it. The shards of glass clattered to the floor around my feet and I took a few steps toward the adjoining wall. We were staring at each other across the classroom now, the door in between us against the wall. Chris pointed his wand at me again.

"I'm not—"

"Lily?" A voice called from the door. I tore my eyes away from Chris's livid face to see Potter staring at me, his hazel eyes wide with shock as he took in the scene before him.

But my momentary distraction was all Chris needed. Before I had time to defend myself, something hard slammed into me, hitting me squarely in the chest. I was thrown backwards into the wall with a force so strong that it knocked the breath out of me and my head cracked against the stone wall before my legs gave out beneath me. I fell to the floor, completely defenseless. My wand escaped from my right hand, clattering to the floor just out of reach.

I looked up, still unable to breathe, to see Chris standing over me, his wand pointing at my face. Before I could even react, a jet of red light hit Chris in the back and he collapsed onto the floor just in front of me. I scrambled to sit up and I heard footsteps hurrying toward me. I winced as I lifted my head and pain throbbed from a spot at the back. I absently reached back to rub the tender spot while I gazed down at what was in front of me.

Chris was laying facedown, his eyes half closed and his wand clutched loosely in his hand still. He was unconscious. The footsteps came closer and slowed down from a run to a quick walk. I pulled my hand out from behind my head to grab my wand, lying not too far from me but I stopped when I saw my hand. It was covered in a thick red liquid that I quickly recognized as my own blood. I snapped my head to the side so I couldn't see the blood and I wiped it off on my robes before reaching to feel the back of my head again. As I gazed down at my other arm, I blanched as I saw a small shard of glass sticking out awkwardly from the sleeve of my robes. I pulled my hand slowly from behind my head, not even noticing that there were small spots of blood on my fingertips. I took a deep breath, now that I could breathe properly again and gently pulled the glass from my arm. I let out a small yelp at the searing pain that accompanied the action. I drew in more shallow breaths as I pulled back my sleeve to see more blood dripping in narrow rivers down my arm.

"Lily, are you alright?" I heard a voice say. It sounded distant in my ringing ears, like I was listening through a tunnel. The room started to dissolve before my eyes and I lay my head back down on the cool stones. I drew in deep, ragged breaths as I waited as calmly as I could for my vision to return. I closed my eyes and I could hear my heart thumping wildly in my chest. The dizziness and nausea I felt started to subside and I opened my eyes again. I was aware that someone was sitting next to me, gently trying to nudge me awake again.

"Lily, can you hear me?" I heard the same frantic voice say and it sounded much closer than before.

I nodded, not able to speak yet. I tried to sit up slowly but a hand forced me back down.

"Maybe you should stay lying down," the voice said, still seeping with concern.

I shook my head quickly as I sat up. My vision was coming back, fading from spotty blackness to the disorienting reality. James's arm was resting on my shoulder, still unsure of whether I should be moving at all.

"Lily, are you alright?" he asked again as he helped me to a sitting position.

I blinked hard, willing the sharp pain at the back of my head to go away.

I nodded again as I struggled to get to my feet. I noticed that I was still shaking and my balance was off. I stumbled to the side a little and I had to lean against the stone wall.

James stood and grabbed my arm, offering support. Despite everything that just happened, my stomach fluttered slightly at his touch.

"Thanks," I said quietly, finally finding my voice. It sounded empty to me, someone else's voice. "For everything. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up…"

"Don't mention it," James muttered absently. "Lily, why don't you head back to the common room and I'll meet you there in a few minutes, okay?"

"I have to clean this up, though," I said as I stumbled forward with my wand out, ready to start to clear the floor of broken glass.

"Lily," James urged, pushing my wand arm down to my side. "I'll take care of it. Please, can you just go back to the dorm? I'll make sure everything is cleaned up here."

I stared at the broken glass on the floor for a minute before nodding. Clumsily, I began walking. I looked back when I was at the door and saw James slinging Chris over his shoulder with a grunt.

I felt a lump in my throat form as I turned back in the direction of my room. Swirls of images and thoughts filled my head as I made my way to my room and before I realized it, I was standing in front of the portrait of the centaurs. My mind was such a jumble of incomprehensible things that I couldn't even think of the password. I stared at the painting for several minutes as a few centaurs peeked their heads out from behind trees and eventually made their way into plain view. They settled down on the mossy forest floor and went to sleep as I watched them, still unable to think of the password.

My breath was coming in harsh gasps and I felt myself beginning to fall to pieces. If only I could remember the password! I felt oddly numb as I stood there in the hall. I was just considering going to the Gryffindor tower when a set of footsteps down the hall startled me.

James strode down the hall quickly toward me and I simply stared helplessly back at him.

"_Dux Ducis_," he muttered, gently tugging on the sleeve of my robe, pulling me into the common room. He steered me toward the couch and I sank down willingly.

James sat next to me, sitting on an angle so that he was facing me.

"Are you cut anywhere?" He asked as his hazel eyes swept over me quickly, taking in my distraught form.

I stuck out my left arm and pulled back the sleeve. There was a lot more blood than the last time I looked and the sleeve of my robes had smeared it so my entire forearm was covered in red.

James pulled out his wand and carefully took my left hand in his. I drew in a ragged breath at his touch, but now was not the time to be thinking things like that.

He winced slightly when he saw the deep gash. He mouthed something, so softly that I couldn't hear, and a tiny ribbon of sparkling white slipped from the end of his wand and wrapped around my arm accompanied by a warm, pleasant sensation. As soon as the white ribbon disappeared, James pulled my arm forward slightly so he could see where the cut used to be. The cut was gone, but still surrounded by the drying blood.

"Anywhere else?" He asked anxiously, sweeping over me with his worried eyes.

"My head," I muttered, my hand brushing lightly against the back where the blood had dried, matting my hair. I winced as I tried to comb through my hair and James pulled my hand away.

"Let me see," he said, gently dropping my hand onto my lap. My fingers tingled from his touch, but I hardly noticed. He was carefully turning my head to see where the blood was coming from.

"Shit," he muttered as he pulled my hair out of the way. I felt him raise his other arm and he whispered "_episkey_". The tension in my head instantly lifted and I reached a tentative hand up to feel where the cut on the back of my head had healed perfectly.

"Are you nauseus at all?" James asked, his hands moving from my hair, sliding down my jaw to tilt my face up. "Feel dizzy or anything?"

"A little dizzy," I nodded, still avoiding his searching gaze.

"Eyes on me for just a second, Lily. I want to make sure you don't have a concussion," James said, his hands lifting my chin slightly. I couldn't avoid his gaze any longer, so I lifted my eyes to meet his, ignoring the stirring in the pit of my stomach.

"How do you know how to do all this?" I asked, my eyes still on his as he studied them. I hoped he didn't notice that my hands were trembling (whether from his proximity or what had just occurred with Chris, I couldn't tell).

"This may come as a shock to you," James said, a smile lifting one corner of his mouth despite the situation. His eyes were so intent on mine, examining first the left one, then the right. "But I was a bit reckless as a kid. I took many trips to St. Mungo's. I picked up a few tricks through the years."

His face was so close to mine. I could lean forward, just an inch and touch my lips to his. But of course I shouldn't be thinking that way _now_ of all times.

"James," I said softly and he pulled back a few inches, so he could refocus on my face as a whole, though his hands still cradled my jaw. "Thank you."

He pressed his lips together and finally dropped his hands from my face, letting out a long sigh.

"What happened, Lily? Can you tell me?" James asked, his voice a shade calmer now that it was established I wasn't seriously injured.

I looked down at my now-healed arm, still covered in blood, and I yanked down the sleeve of my robe to hide it. My stomach flipped uneasily and I felt like I was going to be sick.

"I need to lie down," I said breathlessly. My head was spinning again and I was afraid I would pass out.

"Do you want to go to your room? I can help you…" James asked frantically, his hands moving helplessly around me, unsure of what to do.

"I can't move," I muttered, closing my eyes as the room began to dissolve.

"Lie down right here," James guided me as I slowly lay down, taking up the empty space next to him. I kept my eyes closed, afraid I would get sick.

"I don't know what spell he hit me with," I confessed, slurring the words in my uneasy state. "He was drunk, something could have gone wrong."

"Everything's ok, Lily," James assured me, placing an awkward hand on my shoulder. "He was trying to stun you, I think. You'll be fine. I think you're just experiencing a little bit of shock. You hit your head pretty hard."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, as I felt the familiar sting of tears in the corners of my eyes.

"Why?" James asked, taken aback.

"I'm sorry that you had to see any of that," I said quietly, my voice hitching. "I should have taken care of it as fast as I could. I should have—" my voice broke off as a sob escaped from me. I sucked in a quick breath. I wouldn't let myself go to pieces in front of him.

"Lily, it's ok," James said soothingly as he gently stroked my hair away from my face. "I'm just glad I got there before he could do any real damage."

"But you shouldn't have _had_ to," I said, my voice thick. "This is all wrong."

"What's wrong?"

"I was supposed to _spare_ him from getting hurt," I stuttered, the words spilling out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "It wasn't fair to him for me to be with him while I was in—when it was obvious that I didn't love him."

I trailed off, as a single tear fell freely from my eye and the events of the night sent fresh waves of guilt through me. Seeing Chris's distraught face, red from the drink, as he accused me of everything that was true, his unconscious form lying on the cold stone, the glass shards littering the hallway.

"Where's Holly?" I asked suddenly, realizing her absence for the first time.

"I sent her back to her room when I heard shouting," James explained, his voice tight with something I couldn't identify.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"You should try to get some sleep," James said stiffly, moving away from me. "Can you move yet?"

I opened my eyes and the room flooded into view. I sat up carefully, making sure the nausea had passed. I let myself readjust to sitting up and slowly pushed myself off the couch, wobbling slightly. I hastily wiped the stray tear that had escaped from my eye, suddenly ashamed of letting myself cry even a little in front of him.

"Thanks again," I said, my voice was stronger, but still shaky.

He inclined his head slightly, but he didn't say anything as he watched me walk slowly to my room.

"James?" I said turning around suddenly. He was still sitting on the couch with a strange expression on his face. He looked up at me, waiting.

"I'd really appreciate if you didn't mention this to anyone," I requested, meeting his gaze.

"What are friends for?" He shrugged, still watching me as I turned back to go into my room for the most restless night of sleep I'd ever had.

* * *

_A/N: Hello everyone! I hope you liked this chapter, I'm trying to make the chapters longer, but alas, I DID write this many moons ago and there's only so much I can embellish on :P Anyways, I hope you liked all the DRAMA too because this is just the beginning :) There is oh so much more to come! And more confessions in the next chapter!_

_Here are a couple things to look forward to in the next chapter:_

_- Holly interrupts (again)._

_- Someone goes all the way._

_- Lily eavesdrops._

_- The Clique has girl talk. _

_More coming soon! Leave a review :)_


	29. Chapter 29 - Interrupted, Yet Again

_A/N: Just a quick reminder of who's who in the Clique's person book:_ **Pippa (bold),** _Marley (Italics)_, **_Emilie (italic bold)_**, Lily (normal)

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Chapter 29 - Interrupted, Yet Again

_289. I'm sorry I couldn't control my emotions._

_290. I want to get back with her just so I can break her heart like she broke mine. _

_291. It's absolute nonsense…but i still believe that someday she'll be mine._

_292. We used to talk non-stop, but now you ignore me and pretend like we never knew each other._

_293. The scars you left me with are deeper than the ones I gave myself._

_294. I read other people's guilty secrets so I don't feel so bad about my own._

_295. I think I subconsciously fell in love with you again._

_296. We don't even speak anymore but I'll always remember the night he thought I was asleep and whispered "I love you"…._

The bright morning sunlight woke me up as it burned into my eyelids, sending a painful jolt through my head as the events of last night came back to me in a tidal wave. I sat up, throwing my bed covers off me, and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I swayed slightly from sitting up too fast, images of last night still swimming faintly before my eyes.

My head was throbbing, still a little sore from my injury even though the cut was healed. I glanced down at my arm and saw that it was smeared with dried blood. I had been too preoccupied and exhausted last night to take care of it properly. I reached my hand up to the tender spot on the back of my head. My hair was tangled and matted with dried blood and I dropped my hand quickly, feeling slightly nauseous.

Grabbing my towel I wrapped it around my self tightly and headed to the bathroom for a shower, hoping desperately that I didn't run into Potter. I wasn't quite ready to deal with that yet. I knew he'd have questions for me, wondering what happened before he showed up, wondering if I was ok…

I slipped into the bathroom with no sign of Potter and hopped in the shower, turning the knobs so that the hot water steamed up the mirrors. I pulled my fingers through my hair, trying desperately to get the blood out quickly. I watched as little red rivers ran down my body, washing away the last of the evidence from last night. I wondered absently what Potter had done with Chris, if he had taken him to his dorm or to the hospital wing… I should probably ask him about that at some point. Dread settled in my stomach at the thought of seeing Chris in classes and my stomach did another unpleasant flip when I thought of talking to Potter about it.

I couldn't believe how such an innocent crush on Potter had turned into a physical fight between Chris and I. So far nothing good had come from my feelings for Potter but I couldn't just give up. Despite all of the signs working against it, I couldn't ignore how I felt about him… But where did I go from here? He's still with Holly and happy with her. But I wasn't crazy….there was definitely a moment between us. Could I have just imagined it?

I twisted the shower knob and the water stopped. I grabbed my towel from the hook outside the shower and dried myself off before opening the curtain. I stared at myself in the steamy mirror, my dark red hair was dripping onto the towel that I clutched around myself.

I froze as I saw a faint jagged scar on the top of my forearm. Potter wasn't a healer; he'd done the best he could. I traced the scar with my other hand and smiled slightly, remembering how James had held my hand to heal it.

The door to the bathroom swung open, startling me, and Potter strode in, freezing when he saw that I was only in my towel.

"Oh Merlin, I'm sorry," Potter mumbled, stumbling backwards towards the door.

"It's fine," I said quickly. "I'm on my way out." I slid past him out the door as he stared at me with a curious expression on his face.

"Lily," he started, reaching a tentative hand out towards me but stopped himself. "Are you ok? I mean, if you want to talk about it or anything…."

"I'm fine, really," I said hurriedly, becoming increasingly aware of how little of my body my towel was covering.

"Are you sure? You seemed really shaken up last night…" Potter looked unconvinced.

"Um, maybe we can talk when I'm wearing clothes…" I muttered, feeling my face flush.

I saw Potter's eyes flash up and down as he took in my appearance and I felt my face grow hotter. He seemed to realize himself and quickly looked away.

"Right, ok, later then," Potter said, his voice cracking slightly as he walked towards the sink.

Without saying anything else, I pushed the door open and practically ran to my room. What just happened there? Was Potter honestly just checking me out?

_Get a grip, Lily, he has a girlfriend_…

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of any thoughts of Potter checking me out but I felt a smile creep onto my face as I changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I headed out to the common room to find Potter sitting on the couch staring at his hands.

I walked over to the couch and sat down next to him, staring into the fire. I was intensely aware of the flips my stomach was doing at the proximity to him. I drew my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly, resting my chin.

"Sorry you got dragged into the middle of that last night. I should have just…handled it before he got so out of control. But I didn't and you came and— I'm just really sorry," I said quietly, dropping my eyes to the floor. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him glance over at me, with that curious look on his face again.

"Can I ask you something?" Potter said, still looking at me.

I nodded my head slightly, nervous about what he was about to ask me.

"What you said last night, about wanting to spare Chris from getting hurt because you didn't love him… was that really the reason you broke up with him, or was it something else too?" Potter asked and I glanced up at him, my emerald eyes locking with his hazel ones. I recalled Chris drunkenly accusing me of breaking up with him for Potter and I wondered how much of my conversation with Chris he had heard…

"What exactly did you hear last night…you know, before you saved me?" I whispered, keeping my eyes on Potter. I could hear the trepidation in my shaky voice and I wondered if Potter noticed it too.

He chewed on his lip, his eyes flitting away from me.

"I heard him saying that you broke up with him because….because of me," Potter said, turning his head back to me, his eyes burning into mine with questions that he didn't voice but I could read plainly in his face.

I swallowed hard, remembering that moment perfectly. Potter was still staring at me intently and it felt as if the room had become smaller, encompassing only the small space around us, like we were the only people in the world at that moment.

What did Potter want me to say? That Chris was right? Was he waiting for me to deny it, like I had done so many times before? I was tired of lying, but the three words I desperately wanted to say to him were stuck in my throat, remaining unsaid for the moment.

I felt my breathing become shallow and my skin felt like it was on fire, my heart thumping wildly in my chest. What if I just said it? What if I just finally confessed that I loved him. I could do that, right?

_You _can _do that, Lily. Just say it. I love you. It's not that hard. I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU._

"The truth is…" I started, keeping my eyes locked with his, my breath escaping in ragged bursts, "That I—"

The portrait hole was thrown open and Holly rushed in, immediately firing questions at Potter about last night. Potter broke eye contact with me and I let out a huge sigh but the adrenaline rushing through my body did not cease. I could have said it! I was right there, in that moment, about to _finally_ tell him.

I quickly hopped off the couch as Holly took my place and I backed into my room, closing the door behind me. I didn't even look back to see if Potter was as disappointed at our interrupted moment as I was.

I let out another frustrated sigh and pulled the Clique's book from my shelf, opening it to a blank page.

Hello? Anyone there?

_We're here. Is everything ok?_

Um, kind of. Chris basically attacked me last night, and I'm fine, don't worry, but I'll tell

you the full story when I see you guys.

**Are you serious? He attacked you?**

Really, I'm fine. Potter came just in time and basically saved me. And then we had a

moment this morning…

_**What do you mean, a moment? Did you kiss him or something?**_

Not exactly….but I came SO close to telling him that I love him and then Holly came in…

_Ok, seriously Lily get your ass over here, we need to Girl Talk._

_**Yeah, we have some serious filling in to do.**_

About what?

_**Pippa slept with Adrian!**_

WHAT!?

**Well, I WAS going to tell you when you got here but since apparently we're telling **

**all our secrets now, Emilie likes Remus!**

_**UGH! Lily please just come over so we can stop putting these secrets in writing!**_

**Marley's planning on sleeping with Liam next weekend!**

_What the hell, Pippa!?_

**If I'm going down, I'm taking everyone with me…**

For Merlin's sake, I'll be over in five minutes. Don't blab anymore secrets until I get there!

Tossing the Clique's Confessional book on my bed, I quickly grabbed one of my oversized sweaters from my closet. Hoping I could leave the dorm without disturbing Potter and Holly I quietly opened my door to find the common room empty.

I hadn't heard them leave through the portrait hole so I assumed they must have gone into Potter's room. Jealousy stabbed at my stomach as I tried to push away thoughts of what they might be doing but my envious thoughts were interrupted by a shout of anger coming from Potter's room.

Curious, I dropped my bag and crept slowly towards his door. I positioned myself quietly next to the door, listening intently for any snippet of conversation I could overhear.

"I just don't understand this, James," I heard Holly's muffled voice saying. "You go from hating her one minute to being friends the next and then I find you _yet again_ having some intimate _moment_ on the couch out there!"

I winced slightly, realizing that Holly was talking about me. I strained my ears to hear any response from Potter but was disappointed when he said nothing.

"What is going on, James? You're not falling for her, are you? Because lately every time I come here, you've been with _her. _I thought you hated her!" Holly's voice was strained through her anger and I held my breath, waiting for him to confirm or deny what Holly was accusing him of.

"You weren't interrupting anything, Holly," he answered coolly. "We're the Heads. We have a lot of things to talk about and she had a bad run-in with a student last night, you know that. She was just a little freaked out, that's all."

I let out a low sigh, still waiting for Potter to address Holly's accusation, but silence ensued and I realized that no matter what he said, I shouldn't be hearing _any_ of it. I backed away from the door slowly, hearing Holly's muffled voice pressing Potter for a more concrete answer.

I left the dorm and headed down the halls towards the Library when I passed Sirius on his way to my dorm.

"I'd wait a few minutes before going in there…" I warned him. "Holly's in there and they're fighting."

"What, again?" Sirius sneered, rolling his eyes.

"Again? They've been fighting before?" I asked, my burning curiosity getting the best of me.

"Only lately. What are they fighting about this time?" Sirius asked, leaning against the wall and glancing down the hall towards the portrait of the centaurs.

"Me, actually," I confessed, tugging on a strand of red hair.

"What?" Sirius snapped his head back towards me.

I filled him in on everything that had happened last night, how Chris had attacked me, how Potter had saved me, healed me, comforted me... I had to physically restrain Sirius from hunting down Chris after I told him how he had tried to stun me.

"It's not worth it, Sirius," I said, grabbing his arm as started towards the Ravenclaw tower. "Potter already took care of him and, I'm not done with my story."

Sirius took a deep breath to calm himself down but his steely eyes remained narrowed in anger. I finished telling him about our conversation this morning, stuttering awkwardly as I confessed to him that I had been about to tell him how I felt when Holly interrupted us.

"You were seriously going to tell him?" Sirius asked, his icy eyes boring into mine.

I nodded, and dropped my eyes to the floor, feeling embarrassed. "But Holly came in and now she thinks there's something going on between us because this is the second time she's come in while we were having a serious discussion."

"That's what you overheard?" Sirius asked, running a hand through his messy black hair.

"Yes, but he didn't deny it or confirm it. He just said that he was comforting me about what happened last night… That's when I left," I finished explaining.

"Well, that's good right?" Sirius gave me a sly smile like there was something he knew but wasn't telling me.

"It doesn't really matter, does it? He's still with Holly as far as I know," I muttered bitterly, crossing my arms across my chest.

"Loosen up, Evans," Sirius laughed, nudging me with his elbow. When he saw that I was still serious he softened his expression and said sincerely, "You really like him, don't you?"

I drew in a deep breath. "It just felt so _right_—when he was sitting with me on the couch, when he was healing my arm and he touched me. I mean, of course I felt things with Chris, but they were _never_ as strong as this."

"Well if you like him so much, don't give up. It'll happen eventually," Sirius shrugged. "Maybe he just needs to know how you really feel about him. After all, from his point of view you hated him for 6 years and dated other people while he constantly tried to convince you that he actually liked you…"

"I guess," I sighed, shrugging.

Sirius clapped my on the shoulder, making my knees buckle underneath me. "You'll figure it out. Just don't give up, ok?"

"Ugh, Sirius, why do I always feel like there's something you're not telling me about all this," I shoved his hand off my shoulder, making him chuckle.

"Because I'm All-Knowing," Sirius said haughtily, rolling his eyes impatiently at me.

"You're so full of yourself," I laughed and Sirius let out a low chuckle. "Well, you might be safe to go in now. I'm supposed to be meeting the Clique in Gryffindor."

"I'll see you later then," Sirius waved as he disappeared behind the painting and I continued down the hall towards my old dorm.

"You slept with Adrian?" I said, staring dumbly at Pippa who was blushing furiously as she hugged the bedpost. I had told them the whole story of what happened last night with Chris and Potter and went into great detail this morning, describing every tiny thing that Potter had said and done. Currently we were more focused on Pippa's most recent date with Adrian Austen.

"It just kind of happened, ok?" Pippa squeaked as her face split into a smile. "We were hanging out in an empty classroom last night and things kind of went from there…. We didn't plan it or anything."

"Maybe _you _didn't," Emilie muttered, and Pippa threw a pillow at her.

"He was really nice though," Pippa cooed, her eyes loosing focus as she told us exactly what happened.

"And you're happy about this?" I asked. I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe she only slept with him to try and get over Sirius.

"I know what you're thinking, Lily, and you're wrong," Pippa said, laying herself down on the bed so that she was staring at the ceiling. "Whatever feelings I had for Sirius are gone…"

I glanced quickly at her, remembering that Marley and Emilie didn't know about her feelings for him.

"It's ok, Lily," Marley chuckled, seeing my reaction. "She told us this morning about that whole thing. Honestly, we already knew, though."

"And you, missy," I turned towards Marley and she shrank, embarrassed, back under her covers. "What's this about you and Liam?"

"Well, we've talked about it a little and I kind of figure why not, you know?" Marley said shyly. "I mean, there's really nothing holding me back. I like him, he likes me…"

"But you're _Marley_. You're like the most innocent person I know!" I said, looking around at my other friends who looked just as surprised about this news as I was.

"Hello, aren't we going to talk about Emilie's crush on Remus?" Marley said quickly, trying to get the attention off herself.

"There's nothing to tell," Emilie blushed, leaning back on Marley's bedpost. "It's just a crush. I probably won't do anything about it. But we've been studying together in the library a lot lately and… I don't know. He's just really nice and cute…"

"Ooooh," Pippa cooed at her, and Emilie blushed even deeper.

"You should ask him to the snow angels ball!" Marley suggested but Emilie furiously shook her head.

"No way. I told you I'm not going to do anything about it. It's just a crush," Emilie said.

"Ok so you're caught up on gossip, Lily. We really can't go this long between Girl Talks," Pippa said, her cheeks still slightly pink.

"I still can't believe you slept with him," I chuckled, nudging Pippa in the side.

"I'm just glad someone else in the Clique has been de-flowered. I was getting lonely being the only one," Emilie laughed and Pippa scowled at her.

"And you too, Marley?" I whined, glancing over at the slender brunette who shrank against her bed when I addressed her. "I'm going to be the only one left in a week!"

"That's not a bad thing," Pippa tried to soothe me but I was already irrationally upset. I mean, I'd had plenty of opportunity with Chris but it had never seemed right… Maybe I was just jealous that my friends _had_ found the right person and I was still stuck waiting hopelessly while Potter snogged another girl….

We talked for another hour before we all remembered a Potions essay we had yet to do for the next day. I waited as the Clique gathered their books and we left the common room, pausing momentarily outside the Heads Dorm while I went to my room to grab my books. The common room was empty and I hurriedly gathered my things in my room.

My door was slightly ajar which was odd since I almost always remember to close it, but I must have just forgotten since I was trying to spy on Potter and Holly. I went to my bed to clear the books and was startled when I noticed that the Clique's confessional book wasn't there where I left it but on the floor next to my bookshelf. Hmm, I could have sworn I left it on my bed, but maybe I'm just imagining things. Grabbing a spare roll of parchment from my desk, I stuffed it into my already bulging bag and hurried out the door to meet my friends…

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_A/N: Ok first of all a huge SORRY for not updating sooner. I think I mentioned before that my internet at home was dead. 5 weeks, guys. Such a bummer. But anyways, it's fixed and now I can get back to updating regularly instead of sneaking onto my laptop at work. _

_So a couple things, I've gotten a couple questions in reviews that I figure most people would probably want to know the answers to, so here ya go! The story IS completely written, aside from me going back before I post to edit the chapters (reminder, I wrote this a LONG time ago). There are 37 chapters total so sadly we're getting near the end :( I HAVE written other stories, Forget Me Not is posted on my Authors page here and is almost complete and I have another 39 chapter novel that I'll upload after this one called If Wishes Were Fishes. They are both Lily/James stories so if you like this one you'll probs like those too :) _

_And now, some things to look forward to in the next chapter:_

_- Lily gets a bodyguard._

_- Sirius asks someone to the Ball._

_- James has a dream._

_- Lily eavesdrops AGAIN._

_Cheers! Leave a review! (And I promise I'll update SOON!)_


	30. Chapter 30 - My Own Personal Bodyguard

Chapter 30 - My Own Personal Bodyguard

"She doesn't need a bodyguard, Potter," Pippa chuckled as said boy nearly ran into yet another student in his attempt to stay close by my side.

"What are you talking about?" Potter grumbled, his eyes darting quickly back and forth between the students passing us in the hall as we walked to Potions class.

"That is now the fourth person you've almost taken out in the hall because you refuse to leave Lily's side…" Marley snickered, raising her eyebrows at him.

"That's ridiculous," Potter muttered, clipping yet another student on the shoulder because he didn't move out of the way.

"Ease up, will you?" I laughed, playfully pushing him away from my side. "Chris won't do anything in plain sight. He's smarter than that. The most I have to worry about is some snide comments."

"Hmph," Potter huffed, falling back next to Sirius who was a few steps behind him.

"Besides, Pippa's doing a great job as my bodyguard already. No one will dare mess with me while she's around…she's pretty fearsome," I giggled as Pippa brushed her golden curls off her shoulder and flashed us a dazzling smile that was both innocent and devilish at the same time.

Potter still seemed tense and Sirius punched him in the shoulder.

"Seriously, loosen up," Sirius said, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him gruffly. "If anyone should be nervous it should be Lily."

"Thanks so much," I rolled my eyes at him.

I took a deep breath and stepped over the threshold into Potions class. Glancing around I saw that Chris wasn't even there yet and I let out a sigh of relief. Safe for the time being…

I busied myself with mindless doodling while Pippa babbled nonstop about Adrian and their plans for the week. I listened absently, frequently glancing up to check the doorway.

After what seemed like ages, Chris's tall, lanky frame came into view. I sucked in a sharp breath, bracing myself for whatever kind of hostile reaction I would get. I heard a loud scrape of a chair next me and out of the corner of my eye I saw Potter and Sirius tense in their seats.

My stomach flipped unpleasantly as Chris slowly made his way towards my desk. Pippa threw me a panicked look but I barely noticed as I couldn't take my eyes off of Chris. He moved slowly, keeping his head down as if he were unsure of his feet on the floor and where they were taking him.

My view was suddenly obstructed as Sirius leaned his elbows on Pippa's side of the table, blocking the path between Chris and me.

"Hey Pip, how's it going?" Sirius said casually.

"Fine since the last time I talked to you approximately two minutes ago. What on earth are you doing?" Pippa glanced over at me with a confused expression that I returned with a shrug. Behind Sirius I could see Chris approaching quickly and I frantically looked at Sirius who gave me a reassuring nod before standing up, positioning himself protectively in front of me. Chris stopped in front of him, glancing over Sirius's shoulder to look at me. I dropped my eyes, not ready to hear whatever he had to say just yet.

"Move aside, Black" I heard Chris say in an oddly calm voice. "I just want to talk to Lily."

"I don't think now's a good time," Sirius replied, crossing his arms and shifting his weight slightly so that I was completely blocked from view. I let out an impatient huff and stood up. I felt something grip my arm, pulling me back down and I looked over to see Potter had caught the sleeve of my robe.

"Lily, what are you doing?" Potter whispered urgently at me. I jerked my robe out of his hand.

"Look, I don't need you guys hovering around me like I'm some weak little girl. I can take care of myself, you know." I hissed at him.

"That's not what it seemed like the other night," Potter hissed back and I glared at him angrily before turning to face Chris. I nudged Sirius out of the way and saw him give Potter a helpless look before moving.

"What do you want, Chris?" I said gruffly, crossing my arms. I couldn't let myself look vulnerable in front of him. He'd hurt me physically and emotionally and I had meant it when I said things were over. I was scared that ignoring him would make him even angrier and I didn't want a repeat of the other night. Maybe if I just let him talk now while there were people around we could just resolve this and move on…

"Can I talk to you for a second…in private?" Chris said quietly, his eyes darting between my friends hovering around me.

"Whatever you have to say, you can say it here," I said, keeping my gaze steady on his face. He should know that I wouldn't trust to be alone with him after what happened.

"Look, I'm just…." Chris took in a deep breath and looked straight into my eyes. "I'm just…sorry, ok? I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone now."

I opened my mouth to respond but found that I had no idea what to say. Before I could think of anything, Chris had turned and was across the room without another word, leaving me standing between my friends, speechless. I slumped down in my seat as Professor Slughorn entered the classroom and immediately started prattling on about the potion we'd be doing in class today. Sirius hesitated next to me a moment before moving back to his seat on the other side of me.

I started doodling idly at the corner of my notes while we waited for Slughorn to finish writing the potion. A piece of parchment slid into my vision and I glanced up to see Pippa nudging it towards me. I glanced back down to read the note she had just written.

**Well, that was…unexpected?**

Yeah, that was a bit weird….not what I expected at all.

**And what's with Potter going all big, strong, protective man on you?**

He wasn't….he's just looking out for me as a friend, that's all. I mean, he saw what a mess I was last time Chris confronted me.

**Well, Sirius is your friend and he wasn't clinging to your side.**

But Sirius still tried to stop Chris from getting to me, too. And Potter wasn't clinging….was he?

**He might as well have been your Siamese twin…**

I'm going to ignore that…. Speaking of Sirius, are you sure you're over him? It's just that you were still pretty head over heels for him not too long ago…

**I really want to be over him…**

But, are you? I mean, I know things have gone pretty far with Adrian butmaybe you're only pushing forward with Adrian to convince yourself thatyou're over him….

…**Just between you and I? I really don't think I'll ever be over him. But nothing will ever happen there and I can't keep believing that it will. **

You know, Sirius told me the other day that if you like someone so much, you shouldn't give up…

**That may be true for you and Potter, but I had my chance with Sirius and now I need to try to move on…**

Fair enough…

Professor Slughorn finished writing our next potion on the board and students started crowding around the cupboards, scrambling for ingredients. I folded the scrap of paper we were writing on and slipped it into the Clique's confessional book before joining the swarm of students.

_307. I cried myself to sleep the night I told him, "I love you." I just couldn't_ _deal with the thought of losing him after we leave here._

_ 're the only one who thinks our age is a problem._

_309. Holly Perth is the perfect example of a dumb blond._

_310. Its not her being with someone else that pisses me off. Its her being happy without me that does._

_311. When the last time Sirius Black dated anyone? Seems like its been a_ _while. What's up with that? _

_312. I tell people they're lying when they say I'm pretty. I just like them to confirm it. _

_313. I still love him. Everyday I try to convince myself otherwise. I've done a_ _good job fooling other people . All I need now is to fool myself._

"I can't believe the Snow Angel Ball is only two weeks away," Pippa ran her hands tersely through her hair. She and Marley had a stack of magazines in front of them, all featuring the hottest new hairstyles, and were flipping through them idly while Emilie, Sirius, Remus, and I practiced our Transfiguration spells.

"I know, we can't forget to pick up our dresses this weekend," Marley said, folding down a corner of a page with a particularly elaborate hairstyle on it.

"Has Liam asked you already?" Emilie asked, finally getting too distracted to continue working on her homework. I glanced up and saw Sirius and Remus roll their eyes at each other once again transforming their History of Magic books into elaborate wooden chests using silent spells. Remus had even advanced so much that his chest had intricate wood engravings along the sides.

"Of course. He asked me ages ago," Marley chimed, a smile creeping onto her face. "What about Adrian?"

I glanced up at Pippa, interested in her answer to this. Next to me I noticed that Sirius was tensed in his chair, and concentrated even harder on turning the wooden chest back into his book.

Pippa's cheeks turned red as she muttered, "well, actually he asked me the other night…you know, when we—"

"Please don't finish that sentence," Emilie giggled, cutting Pippa off by putting her hand over her mouth.

"What about you, Em? Have you said yes to anyone yet?" Marley asked.

"What do you mean?" Remus looked up, suddenly very interested.

"She's had like ten blokes ask her already," Marley rolled her eyes while Emilie busied herself with one of the many magazines in front of her.

"She's too good for all of them," Pippa commented, marking another page in a magazine.

"So you're not going with any of them?" Remus asked, trying desperately to give off the impression that he could care less. Silly boys.

"No, not yet. None of them were interesting enough," Emilie said lightly, her eyes flitting briefly to Remus and away.

I turned back to my Transfiguration book, getting bored with the conversation. I'd had a few offers to take me to the ball from younger students, but honestly I only had my sights set on one person and if I couldn't go with him, I probably wouldn't go with anyone.

"Lily, who are you goin—" Remus started to ask, but I cut him off by slamming my book shut and shoving away from the table.

"Speaking of the ball, I'm supposed to meet up with Potter to finalize the plans," I said quickly, throwing my books in my bag and slinging it over my shoulder. The Clique barely tore their eyes away from their magazines as they mumbled their goodbye.

"I'll walk with you. I have to give James back his Herbology notes" Sirius said, gathering his things and falling into step beside me.

"So who are you taking to the ball?" I asked him as we walked towards the Heads Dorm.

"No one yet," Sirius muttered, scuffing his shoes on the stone floor.

"Really? I would have thought that girls would be lining up to go with you," I jokingly nudged him in the side, but he just sighed.

"Don't get me wrong, girls are practically falling over themselves to get to me," Sirius smirked and I saw a glimpse of the twinkle that is usually in his silver eyes. "I don't know…it's just that lately I'm not all that interested in them anymore. Any of them. They all just kind of blend together… I dunno, I feel like I'm losing my edge, you know?"

"So you're not interested in… anyone?" I asked, staring at him in disbelief. Sirius was _famous_ for his player tendencies. He'd dated practically half of Hogwarts and the other half he didn't date because they were too young.

"I don't know. There is _one _person, but she's kind of…unavailable," Sirius mumbled, turning his face slightly away from me. I knew he wouldn't tell me who, but I had a feeling that I knew and I didn't want to press him for information. He would tell me when he wanted to.

"Since when has that stopped your before?" I scoffed, but Sirius just rolled his eyes and turned the question back on me.

"And you? You must have guys lining up at your door to take you," Sirius said.

"Hardly," I said, blushing and catching Sirius's eye.

"So what's stopping _you_?" Sirius asked.

"I guess there's really only one person I'd want to go with, but that's not going to happen…" I said, giving Sirius a pointed look. "But he's rather _unavailable_, too."

Sirius pursed him lips and squinted his eyes as he thought this over. He flung his arm over my shoulder lazily and we fell into step with each other.

"So since you can't go with who you want, and I can't go with who _I_ want, why don't we just go together?" Sirius suggested.

"Hmm, I don't know," I pondered playfully. "I'm awfully tempted to accept Matt Sullivan's offer. He asked me by writing 'Snow Angel Ball?' in jam on a piece of toast and sliding it in front of me at breakfast yesterday."

Sirius's face twisted into an expression of half-disgust and half-amusement. "Wasn't he the one who tried to eat his scurvy grass in Potions class? Yeah, he's a _real_ catch…"

"Ok fine, you talked me into it," I said smiling.

Sirius handed me Potter's borrowed notes before I went into the Heads Dorm after we talked more about the Snow Angels Ball and how we thoroughly intended on spending the entirety of the evening drinking punch (which we would spike with the help of Sirius's flask) and mercilessly mocking all the awkward couples.

I dropped my bag in an empty chair around the table in the common room and sat down. Potter wasn't there yet, so I got out all of the lists I had compiled of the things we still had yet to take care of before the ball. After a few minutes, Potter came shuffling out of his room, looking like he'd just woken up. Even disheveled as he was, my heart still sputtered hopelessly at the sight of him.

"I had the craziest dream just now," he said, his voice scratchy and raw from sleeping. He glanced up at me, his eyes golden in the firelight, as he told me about his dream. "The entire school had turned into zombies and you and I were the only ones left, and somehow you had discovered that the only way to kill the zombies was to make them eat asparagus."

"Asparagus?" I asked, pulling on a piece of my hair and twirling it nervously around my finger. Potter had just had a dream about me, why am I focusing on the asparagus?

"Well if you ask me asparagus is just about the worst vegetable ever, so I guess it's fitting," Potter shrugged, giving me a lopsided smile that made my brain spazz.

I let out a small laugh, still pulling at my hair.

"So I guess we should get started, huh?" Potter said, glancing down at my long To-Do list.

"Sure…it's mostly small things like confirming the food and music and stuff. If you can think of anything else, just add it on" I said, sliding the list over to him so he could look for himself.

I watched his eyes scan the paper and then flicker up to my face.

"So do you have a date for this thing yet?" Potter asked, his eyes dropping back to the paper as he made some minor adjustments to the list.

"Hm, well I've had some offers, mostly ones from guys I've never even spoken to," I said and I saw Potter smirk as he made another adjustment to the list. "Sirius and I decided to go together though, you know, as friends. We figure we can just hang out and make fun of all the awkward couples. You know, the girls who've never worn heels before or the guys who so clearly don't even want to be there but are wearing dress robes anyways. I think it'll be more fun that way, going with a friend."

"There wasn't anyone you actually wanted to go with? Like as a date?" Potter asked, and I noticed the biting curiosity in his voice, though he tried hard to hide it.

"Not really," I said, shrugging as if it were no big deal.

"You're so lying," Potter accused, a grin creeping onto his face as he glanced up at me.

"I'm not," I assured him, giving him a teasing smile.

"You are too," Potter whined. "Come on, why won't you just tell me who?"

"Because there's no one," I rolled my eyes at him, hoping he'd drop it, but instead he leaned forward on the desk and stared straight into my eyes with a determined look on his face.

"What on earth are you doing?" I asked, leaning away from him.

"Trying to read your mind, since you won't tell me," Potter said, not breaking his eye contact.

"Knock it off, or I'll force feed you asparagus," I laughed, shoving him away from me. He broke eye contact and made a grotesque face that made me laugh even harder.

"Jamie?"

I stopped laughing abruptly when I saw Holly standing just inside the portrait hole watching Potter and I goofing around.

"I thought you were working on plans for the ball…" Holly said, giving me an icy stare as she walked over to where Potter was sitting.

"Yeah, we were just getting started actually," Potter said, breaking his gaze away from me.

Instead of responding, Holly stomped towards Potter's room, slamming the door behind her. Potter got up quickly and gave me an apologetic look.

"Sorry, I'll just be a minute," He said quickly as he followed Holly into his room.

I stared after them for a few minutes until I heard Holly's raised voice from behind the door. Curiosity getting the best of me, I moved quietly next to Potter's door with my ear pressed against the crack, straining to hear what was being said.

"What is going on with you, James?" Holly was saying, her voice strangled with emotion. "Every time I've come here lately I see you sitting out there with _her_, joking around. What is going _on?_"

I flinched slightly at the venom I heard in Holly's voice when she said "_her"_ like that. I knew she was talking about me. I flattened my body against the door, trying to find the best listening position.

"There's nothing going on. We were just doing Head Girl and Boy stuff," I heard Potter say flatly.

"You don't still have feelings for her, do you?" Holly asked sharply and I held my breath, waiting for Potter's reply.

"What do you mean '_still'_", Potter's voice answered.

"For Merlin's sake, James, _everyone_ knew how into her you were. But I figured that when we started dating you were over it. And I wanted to believe it, I really did, but I see how you look at her and to me it doesn't seem like you're over her," Holly choked out. It sounded like she was crying and I almost felt bad for her. Almost…

"Holly, I'm with you, aren't I?" Potter said, his voice still devoid of any emotion. He didn't deny his feelings for me, though…

"Sometimes I don't think you are," Holly said quietly, her voice breaking slightly.

"Well, I am," Potter said softly. "Don't worry."

"Fine," Holly said, a tone of finality in her voice. I figured their fight was over and I pushed myself away from the door, taking my place in the chair again.

Potter's door opened and Holly emerged. I glanced up at her but she didn't meet my gaze until she was a few feet from the table. Her eyes flashed up to mine, blazing with jealousy and anger as she dropped her books onto the table between mine and Potter's seat. She sat herself down as Potter took his place on the other side of her. He peered around her to give me another apologetic look before he resumed checking things off the list.

* * *

_A/N: Hi everyone! Back with another update! So it seems like James and Holly are on pretty thin ice... any guesses as to how much longer this relationship will last? I'm so excited for where we are in the story, the action really picks up in the next chapters! The ball is coming up AND more and more names are appearing in the book... drama, drama, drama!_

_Here's a taste of the next chapter:_

_- James is given an Ultimatum._

_- Remus gets caught staring._

_- Lily loses something. _

_- Holly becomes a threat. _

_Cheers everyone, hope you enjoyed this chapter! Leave a review :)_


	31. Chapter 31 - Threatened

Chapter 31 - Threatened

_343. I saw Leah Fairfax making out with Adam Fisher in an empty classroom last night!_

_344. I still feel like we have a connection, even if we never talk._

_345. I'm completely in love with Brandon Harris._

_346. Celine Bellevue would be prettier if she weren't a slut._

_347. When you asked if your flirting was messing with my emotions, I wasn't joking when I said it was._

_348. Jacob Reister has failed almost every Potions exam!_

_349. I feel that fighting is better than being alone._

_350. Jenna Moore is such a bossy know-it-all!_

"This is getting a bit out of hand…" Marley sighed, pushing the Hogwarts Confessional back under my nose.

"The names are more frequent and the secrets are getting a bit…revealing," Emilie dropped her chin in her hands.

I glanced over to Pippa's bed where she was perched, her arms wrapped around the bedpost. She was scanning through her own confessional, a crease forming between her eyebrows as she read. I looked back down at the book and reread the confessions.

"I just don't know what we can do about it," I shrugged, looking up at Marley and Emilie's worried faces. "If I try a spell and it backfires, then everyone will notice when their books suddenly change. But if people keep writing names… what if a teacher finds one of these books? There are secrets about people cheating on tests….students could get in serious trouble for this if they're true."

"But we can't just ignore it anymore," Pippa chimed in, lifting her eyes to stare at us. "Some of these secrets are about _us_. What if they start getting worse? Or just plain vindictive?"

"There's nothing we _can_ do," I said again, falling back on Marley's bed. "If it gets a lot worse we'll just have to destroy all of them."

"Let's give it until after Christmas," Emilie suggested. "Maybe people will settle down a little over the holiday."

"Maybe," I muttered, highly doubting it.

None of us wanted to discuss the possibility of destroying the books any further, so Emilie turned the discussion back to what had been the main thing on everyone's minds lately: the Snow Angel ball. Needless to say, with talk of dresses and makeup, any worry about the books was wiped from our minds pretty quickly.

I walked back to my dorm after dinner. With the ball only a week away, we were supposed to head down to the kitchens to confirm the food we had ordered with the house elves.

I walked through the portrait hole and wasn't surprised to see Holly sitting on the couch doing homework while Potter worked at the table. Holly had been a constant presence in our dorm for the past week since I'd overheard their fight. It was like she didn't want to let him out of her sight anymore.

Holly looked up at my only long enough to give me an icy stare before turning back to her work. I glanced over at Potter who was busy practicing our latest Transfiguration homework. He looked tired; His dark hair was messier than usual and his eyes had dark circles underneath them. He yawned as he turned his coffee mug fluidly into ferret that scampered frantically around the table.

"Hey," I said, dropping my bag on the empty chair across the table from him. The ferret squeaked at the sound my bag made and scampered back to Potter. "Ready to go to the kitchens?"

Potter yawned again, trying to conceal it behind his hand. Why was he so tired? My eyes flickered over to Holly who had the same dark circles under her eyes. Had they been staying up late together? My stomach clenched unpleasantly at the thought.

"Yeah, lets go," Potter said. His voice was scratchy. It sounded like he hadn't slept at all in three days.

"Look, I can go by myself if you want, it's no big deal," I said, raising my eyebrows at him.

Potter shook his head quickly as if he were trying to get rid of his sleepiness. "No," he said, his voice stronger. "I'll come."

He pushed himself away from the table and we headed to towards the door. My heart fluttered softly at the thought of us finally getting a chance to be alone again, but the fluttering was cut short when I noticed that Holly hopped off the couch and trailed closely behind Potter, watching him carefully as he followed me out.

I let out a deep sigh. Looks like I won't be getting any alone time with him after all…

"She never leaves!" I burst angrily, slamming my head on the table.

"Shhhh," Pippa hushed me, glancing around at the stares my outburst was attracting. The library was fuller than usual since the Christmas break was so soon and most classes had essays and exams due before the break.

"Well, she has to leave sometime, right?" Remus said absently, his eyes focused on something at the end of a row of books, out of sight from the rest of us.

"She _never _leaves," I said again, lifting my head so that my chin was resting on the hard wood table. "She's there when I wake up, when I go to sleep. I haven't spoken to Potter alone in almost a week!"

"You know she's just jealous," Pippa rolled her eyes, her hand softly combing through my wavy red hair. "She knows she has competition."

"Or she's just a clingy, whiny, overly-protective, pathetic excuse for a girlfriend," Sirius grumbled with a sour expression on his face.

"Wow, how do you really feel about her?" I laughed.

"She's a complete air-head!" Sirius exclaimed, making the fourth years at the next table jump. "Every time I've been around her she's been nothing but annoying and vapid. I don't know how James can put up with it. What was it she said the other day, Remus?"

"That's nice…" Remus mumbled obviously not paying any attention to us, his eyes still focused on something out of sight.

"What on earth are you staring at?" Pippa giggled, snapping Remus back to attention.

"What? Oh, nothing," Remus said quickly, focusing on the book in front of him.

"Uh huh, sure," Pippa said and we both moved next to Remus and peered between the shelves where Remus had been looking before.

Marley and Emilie were sitting at a table at the end of the shelves, each intently reading a book. They weren't doing anything odd; nothing that would warrant staring. Pippa and I glanced at each other and then down at Remus, whose face had turned a lovely shade of scarlet.

"Why were you staring at Marley and Emilie?" Pippa asked, leaning on her elbows in front of Remus, blocking him off from his book.

"I wasn't," Remus stuttered, attempting to push Pippa away from him.

"Liar," I said, leaning around the other side of him, mirroring Pippa. "You like her, don't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Remus shook his head, his face turning a deeper shade of red. Sirius was smirking across the table from us, not bothering to come to his friend's defense.

"Come on, Remus," Pippa purred. "We all noticed how you reacted when Emilie was talking about all the blokes who had asked her to the Snow Angel ball. You like her, just admit it."

"That's….no… I wasn't—" Remus sputtered hopelessly as Pippa and I closed in.

"Just ask her to the ball," I suggested. "You know she'll say yes. Couldn't you tell she was kind of fishing for an invite the other day? She _wants_ you to ask her. We would know, wouldn't we?"

Remus glanced back and forth between Pippa and I, trying to decipher if we were telling the truth or not.

"You're sure she'd say yes?" Remus asked, letting out a sigh.

Pippa rolled her eyes as her answer and took her seat on the other side of the table again.

"You guys are relentless," Sirius chuckled as I sat down across from him.

"Speaking of the ball," Pippa said, turning in her seat to face me. Her blond curls swayed slightly with the movement and she brushed them off her shoulder. "Adrian asked me what color my dress was so that he could coordinate. Isn't that sweet?"

"That was thoughtful of him," I agreed, spotting Sirius gripping his quill abnormally tight in his hand.

"He's been so wonderful lately," Pippa continued to gush. "I feel like he's really changed. I mean, you know how he used to be such a player. I feel like we've really connected and he's seeing that being exclusive isn't so bad."

Sirius cleared his throat loudly, and I glanced over at him. He was concentrating unusually hard on his Potions book, his free hand gripping the corner of the book so hard that I was afraid he'd cut himself.

"That's great, Pip," I smiled at her as she rested her chin in her hand and doodled absentmindedly in the corner of her book. The tension at the table could be cut with a rusty spoon, and I was getting jumpy sitting there. I didn't know how much more of Pippa's gushing and Sirius's irritation I could stand.

"I have to go hang posters for the ball," I said standing up and collecting my things. "I'll see you guys later."

I walked quickly from the library, pulling a stack of flyers from my bag that I'd been lucky enough to remember. They were cut into the shape of different snowflakes, sparkling uncontrollably because of all the glitter I'd stuck to them. I was supposed to put these up ages ago, but completely forgot with all the homework I've had.

I walked aimlessly around the castle, sticking the glittering flyers on various bulletin boards along the way. I wandered towards the astronomy tower, although not many students passed through there, I was bored and needed to get rid of all the flyer's I'd made.

I rounded a corner, heading back towards the main part of the castle when I heard a familiar voice. High-pitched, distressed, and unbelievably annoying; I recognized it as Holly's shrill voice. I couldn't quite make out what she was saying, but she sounded angry.

I walked quietly down the hall and stopped in front of a classroom with the door closed. I could clearly hear what she was saying and when I realized what she was talking about, I stopped dead in my tracks. I dropped my bag silently to the floor and not for the first time, pressed myself as close to the door as I could for optimal hearing.

"Why do we keep having the same fight, James?" Holly wailed her voice thick with tears. "All these nights that we've been up late talking, I thought we'd worked through everything!"

"I'm not the one who's been fighting, Holly," Potter said back angrily. This was the first time I'd heard him outright mad at Holly.

"Exactly!" Holly said, exasperated. "You've done _nothing._"

"Because you're trying to _change_ me, Holly!" Potter shouted at her. "When was the last time I got to hang out with my friends? You disapprove of almost everything I do!"

"Not everything. What I disapprove of is you flirting with another girl while you're allegedly with _me,"_ Holly spat at him.

"She's head girl. I _have_ to talk to her. We don't flirt," Potter said furiously. "Not to mention she's my friend."

"Yes, James, she's your_ friend,"_ Holly retorted heatedly. "So tell me why I catch you staring at her? Why I see you and her together all the time. I walk in and I feel like you guys are about to snog or something. And I know, _I know_, its not all you. I see how she looks at you, too. But you do nothing to dissuade her."

"So what," Potter said, his voice becoming flat and lifeless. "What do you want me to do? I can't control her emotions. If she has feelings for me, that's not something I can change."

"Then don't talk to her," Holly said, hatred seeping into every word.

"What?" Potter breathed, his voice becoming animated again, clearly not believing what he had just heard.

"Don't. Talk. To her," Holly said, her voice shaking with intense rage. "Cut her out. Ignore her. Pretend she doesn't exist."

"You're crazy," Potter said quietly. "How can you even ask me to do something like that? She's Head Girl, how do you think that would work?"

"If you really love me, you'll do it. If you want this relationship to work, you'll find a way," Holly said, her voice full of threat.

"No," I heard Potter say in a low, clear voice.

"What?" Holly hissed back.

"I said no," Potter said again, his voice even stronger. "I can't cut her out of my life."

I felt my pulse racing in my veins. Potter was fighting for me…against Holly. It was clear that she had given him an ultimatum…and he was choosing _me_.

"This is over," Potter said quietly. "I can't do this anymore. I can't sacrifice anything else for you. We're done."

"You don't know what you're saying," Holly's disbelieving voice pleaded, becoming thick with tears again. "You're choosing _her_ over me?"

Potter didn't reply and I heard a sob escape from Holly. I backed away from the door, afraid that she would burst out and see me there. I grabbed my bag and hurried quietly and quickly down the hall, making sure I was out of earshot before breaking into a run.

I spent the next two hours wandering around the castle, occasionally putting up one of the leftover flyers, but mostly distracted by my thoughts. Holly's voice kept ringing through my head.

"_You're choosing_ her_ over me?"_

Over and over and over again, until I couldn't stand it anymore. I had walked around the castle at least twice and my feet were starting to hurt. I was scared to go back to the common room; I wasn't ready to face Potter yet. I needed to compose myself before I could pretend like I hadn't heard every word they said.

A few more minutes of deliberating and I had convinced myself to go back to my room. I was bursting at the seams; I needed to tell the Clique what I'd just heard. Unsure of where they would be, I decided that my best bet would be to use our personal book to locate them.

The common room was empty when I walking and I breathed a deep sigh of relief. I hurried into my room and scanned my bookshelves for the Clique's book where I usually kept it.

Hmm, that's strange. There's my Hogwarts Confessional, but the space next to it is empty. I could have sworn I put it back but I probably just left it in the Gryffindor tower when I was there the other day having Girl Talk.

I shrugged it off and decided to just head over to Gryffindor and see if any of the Clique were there or if anything, my book.

I walked brusquely down the hall, my eyes focused on the portrait hole at the end of the hall. I didn't even notice she was following me until she had grabbed my arm and yanked me around to face her. I stumbled over my feet at the unexpected impediment, dropping my bag on the floor. I felt a gruff hand on the front of my jumper, pulling me to stand straight up.

I was face to tear-streaked face with Holly. Her mouth was quivering and I barely had time to react before she started speaking.

"Lose something?" She seethed, holding up a shaking hand that was clutched around a small black book with an "L" etched into the worn leather. The Clique's confessional.

I grabbed for it, but Holly was quick and stepped away from me, shoving me back with the hand that was still grasping my jumper.

Holly let out a piercing laugh, her light blue eyes contrasting eerily with the red that was swimming around them. She shoved the confessional in her pocket and advanced on me again.

"You'll never believe what just happened," Holly said, her voice hoarse from crying. "_Potter_ just broke up with me. And it's _your_ fault!"

I stared at her, trying hard not to give away that I knew everything already. I stayed quiet, hoping she would mistake my silence for shock.

"Apparently he just _can't_ stay away from you," Holly snarled when I didn't answer.

"I don't understand how it's my fault—" I choked out, trying to play dumb.

"Here's the deal, Evans," Holly growled. "Stay away from Potter."

"You can't tell me what to do—" I started but she cut me off.

"Stay away from him, or _all_ of your secrets will become public," Holly threatened, patting the bulge in her pocket that was our confessional. "That won't be too hard to do, will it?"

"Holly, I'm Head Girl," I tried to warn her. "Give me the book back or you'll be in serious trouble. Theft isn't looked to kindly on by the professors."

"It doesn't matter if I give it back or not," Holly laughed. "I've already read it, and I can still tell all of your secrets. But now I have the evidence I need to turn you in for creating the Hogwarts Confessionals. Believe me, you won't go near James Potter now, will you?"

I didn't say anything but seethed at her, completely cornered. I tried desperately to think of an argument.

"I'm sorry," Holly said in a dangerous whisper as a smile crept onto her face. "Did you _want_ the entire school to know that you were the girl Adrian Austen made out with the same night he asked Pippa Birch out?"

I started to argue that that wasn't written in the book but she cut me off again.

"Oh, I know its not written down," Holly said, reading my thoughts. "But I was there, remember? And furthermore, I'm sure that after finding out you snogged her boyfriend, I'm sure Pippa won't be too pleased if it gets out that she's still in love with Sirius. After all, you're the only one she told, right?"

My stomach clenched unpleasantly when I realized that was true.

"And Marley giving it up to Liam Lawson? Her good girl status might dramatically decrease if people knew she wasn't as innocent as she looks," Holly sneered, her smile growing ever bigger and maniacal. "And you _know_ slam books like the Hogwarts Confessional is grounds for expulsion, especially since it contains so many slanderous things about people…Think about it, Evans."

I drew in short, ragged breaths, my brain racing in circles, looking for a way out of this. Even if I got the book back, she still knows everything.

"Watch your step," Holly breathed menacingly, taking a step towards me. "Stay away from Potter, or I will ruin you."

I watched hopelessly as Holly turned and disappeared around the corner before I could say another word. The hall was eerily empty, my haggard breathing and frantic heart beat the only sounds I could hear. One word flashed repeatedly through my mind as I continued to stare at the place Holly had just been standing.

_Shit_. _Shit. Shit._

* * *

_A/N: Let's all just take a moment to rejoice in the fact that JAMES AND HOLLY ARE NO MORE! I mean, come on HOW happy are you?I'm really excited for where we are in the story now and I really AM trying to update as fast as I can! So a couple hints for the next chapter:_

_- The next chapter is called "The Ball – Part 1"_

_- Lily finds it hard to pretend._

_- James gives a present._

_- Holly gives a warning._

_- All bets are off. _

_I love love love hearing what you think of each chapter! Leave a review :)_


	32. Chapter 32 - The Ball, Part I

Chapter 32 - The Ball, Part I

I twirled my wand distractedly in my fingers, not even hearing when McGonagall paired Potter and I together to work on the spell she had just taught.

"Miss Evans, did you hear me?"

"Huh?" I jerked to attention upon hearing my name and looked up to see McGonagall looking down her nose at me.

"For heaven's sake, Miss Evans, I know you have a lot on your mind with the ball just days away but do try to pay attention in class, hm?" McGonagall scolded me, but her expression was soft. "You'll be paired with Potter today."

My stomach clenched uncomfortably as I glanced behind me at Potter who had a huge smile on his face. I turned back around and winced to myself.

How on earth was I supposed to stay away from Potter now? I'd done a pretty decent job of it so far, always hiding away in the library pretending to study or finishing things for the ball. I'd barely had to see him. Holly had kept her word; no secrets had been leaked yet. But I couldn't risk taking chances just because she's not in this class.

Everyone started moving with their partners. I didn't even know what spell we were supposed to be practicing. I'd been zoned out all week, worrying about that stupid book. I hadn't told the Clique. How could I? Emilie and Marley didn't even know that Pippa still loved Sirius and I'm pretty sure Marley would _kill_ me if anyone else ever found out she slept with Liam. Not to mention, how freaked out they would be that Holly knows it was us who created the books in the first place. They'd be getting into serious trouble because of me.

Potter sat down next to me, placing a small stone statue of a deer in front of me.

"Do you want to go first?" Potter offered, nudging the small statue in front of me. I stared at if for a second and then sighed.

"I'm sorry, I don't even know what we're supposed to do," I confessed, resting my chin in my hands.

"We're doing _Piertotem Locomotor_" Potter explained, a smile creeping onto his face. "It animates things, makes them come alive."

"Oh," was all I could respond. I wanted desperately to talk to him, to joke and laugh with him, but Holly's voice played over and over in my head like a broken record. _Stay away from him_. _Stay away from him. Stay away from him._

"Are you ok? You seem a little out of it," Potter said, furrowing his eyebrows in concern.

"I'm fine," I said irritably. It hurt to talk to him like this, to pretend to hate him, to pretend that I don't want to be with him. But if it saved the embarrassment of my friends, I would have to do it. It wasn't _that_ big of a price to pay…was it?

"Sorry, I just thought—" Potter said quietly. "I guess I'll go first…. _Piertotem Locomotor!_"

The small deer statue was illuminated by bright orange light that faded as the deer started taking small steps around the table. I watched it, half in awe at Potter's spell-work, and half sad that I couldn't tell him so.

Potter watched me as I reached down to touch the deer, feeling the cold smooth stone beneath my fingers.

"Listen, there's something I've been meaning to tell you," Potter said, breaking my focus on the deer. I glanced over at him, unsure of what to expect.

"So Holly and I….well, we broke up. Just a few days ago," Potter said, looking at me carefully as if waiting to measure my reaction. Inside, I was dancing and singing out of happiness that he was no longer tied down to her. But instead I tried to smooth my face into an expressionless mask to show him that I couldn't care less.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, my voice sounding flat and lifeless to me.

"Well, I think it's better this way…things weren't going so well lately," Potter said, confused by my reaction, or lack thereof.

"Mmhmm," I murmured, turning the deer back to unmoving stone. "I'm sure you'll find someone else," I said, my voice catching in my throat.

Potter looked at me strangely for a moment and opened his mouth to speak but McGonagall cut him off, telling us that class was over and to we would continue where we left off next week.

"That garland is too high!" I called to the prefect on the other side of the hall. Silvery ropes that rained snowflakes were being hung around the Great Hall in preparation for the ball. I watched as the prefect lowered the garland to match the others.

My eyes wandered around the hall to where Potter was standing, talking animatedly with Sirius about something. I saw Potter glance up and me and smile and I turned away quickly, pretending I hadn't seen.

Agony. Bittersweet Agony. I was finally getting the attention from Potter that I wanted and I had to pretend I wasn't even interested.

I invested myself in putting the table clothes on the tables and placing the white rose centerpieces on top. With a flick of my wand the tables were covered and I carefully moved the delicate glass vases of white roses to the middle of each table.

"It looks incredible, doesn't it?" Potter said, appearing by my side. "You did a great job with decorations."

"Thanks," I smiled at him. "It does look pretty good doesn't it?"

"Want to help me hang these outside?" Potter smiled back at me and my heart melted. How on earth was I supposed to keep resisting him? I'd thought of telling him the whole thing, about how Holly stole my book and threatened to tell everything. But it was useless, he wouldn't be able to do anything about it and he would probably think I was an idiot for creating those books in the first place.

I followed Potter outside to the courtyard next to the Great Hall. It was lightly snowing and I hugged my robes around myself, trying to stay warm. Potter set the lights on the one of the stone benches and turned back around to face me.

"So I know you've been a little….stressed lately," Potter said, his hands shoved in his pocket. "With the ball, and classes, all that drama with Chris…and I know it wasn't easy when Holly was around all the time while we were trying to work. I haven't been much of a help with all the planning…"

I stared at him, standing in front of me. I nervously tugged on a piece of my red hair, twisting and pulling it with my fingers. His bright hazel eyes avoided mine and his hands fidgeted in his pockets. What was he doing? I took deep breaths to calm myself. I had to remain removed and emotionless. No matter what he said now.

"I got you something," Potter said pulling something out of his pocket. His eyes met mine and he must have noticed how surprised I was. "It's not a big deal, really. Just something to say thanks….you know, for everything you've done."

He reached out his hand and placed a dark blue velvet box in my hesitant palm. I glanced down at it, my breathing no longer calm. He bought me something? This boy was trying to make resisting him as hard as possible.

I flipped open the small box and gasped. Inside was a thin silver chain, almost impossibly delicate with a small snowflake pendant glittering in the pale, snowy December light.

"My uncle owns a jewelry store in Diagon Alley and makes all of his own pieces," Potter explained quickly, seeing my shocked face. "So it's one of a kind…you know, like you."

My heart swelled, and I couldn't remember how to breathe. I tore my eyes away from the necklace to look at Potter, standing nervously in front of me.

"I can't accept this," I whispered, holding the box back to him. "It's too much."

"It didn't cost me anything," Potter said quickly, pushing the box back at me. "Really. I want you to have it."

I looked down at the sparkling necklace again, the clear gems throwing beams of sunlight off them. "These aren't—"

"Diamonds?" Potter read my thoughts. "Merlin, no. I told you it's really not a big deal. I just thought it was pretty and, you know, a snowflake."

"I don't know what to say," I whispered, moving my fingers over the delicate gems. This was undoubtedly the prettiest thing I had ever been given and I had no clue how to react, let alone how to react knowing that I _couldn't _react.

"You don't have to say anything," Potter shrugged, keeping his eyes on me. "I thought maybe you could wear it to the ball….and save a dance for me, you know?"

I nodded dumbly, still unsure of what to say. He smiled hesitantly at me and all I could do was smile back.

"Want to help me hang these things?" Potter grinned at me, picking up the heavy ropes of lights.

An uncomfortable sensation crept into my stomach. The feeling we were being watched. I glanced up, ignoring Potter's question and saw a pair of icy blue eyes peering at from behind the pillars on the other side of the courtyard. Holly.

"Lily?" Potter asked when I didn't answer.

"I've got to go," I said coldly, turning my back on him and shoving the velvet box into my robes violently. I turned away from him so I wouldn't have to see the hurt expression that I knew was on his face as I walked quickly back inside the castle.

I rounded a corner heading back to the Great Hall and ran right into someone.

"Oh! Sorry!" I exclaimed, before I noticed who was standing in front of me.

"Having a nice little chat with Potter?" Holly hissed, her pale eyes shooting daggers at me.

"We were just putting up decorations for the ball, Holly," I sighed, not in a mood to put up with her threats.

"Looked to me like you were having a nice little _moment _out there," Holly said angrily taking a step towards me. "I told you to stay away from him. This is your last warning. Understand?"

I nodded silently, my teeth clenching angrily.

"Next time I see anything like that happen again, all bets are off," Holly hissed and shoved me away from her, walking quickly away down the hall and leaving me standing there. I pulled out the small velvet box from my pocket and glanced down at the dazzling snowflake once more before snapping the box shut.

"Lily can you help me zip my dress?"

"Where's my other earring? Have you seen my other earring?"

"Emilie! You're stepping on my dress!"

It was absolute chaos in the Clique's room in Gryffindor. We only had another half hour to get ready before we were supposed to meet Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Potter downstairs to go to the ball. Pippa and Marley were meeting Adrian and Liam outside the Great Hall.

"What if Remus doesn't like my dress?" Emilie fidgeted as I helped her zip her dress.

"He practically adores you, Em. He'd like you even if you were wearing a paper sack," I laughed and Emilie gave me a reluctant smile.

Pippa was frantically running her wand over her hair, trying to make it lay flat while Marley was peering out from behind her, trying to get a glimpse of herself in the mirror that Pippa was hogging. Emilie was turning around herself, trying to zip up her dress in the back when I finally interceded and zipped it for her.

I hadn't put on my dress yet but instead was focused on my hair and makeup. A pile of dark blue silk was spread out on Pippa's bed, waiting for me to put it on. I was wrapping the ends of my around my wand, trying to curl them. Finally I gave up and let Emilie take over. She pulled the curls over to one side and secured the low ponytail under my left ear, letting a few stray curls escape. She pinned a small, delicate white rose into the ponytail and secured it with just a flick of her wand.

Pippa was struggling into her form-fitting red silk dress. The flowing material clung flatteringly to her body, the halter top and flowing bottom accenting her curves. Emilie's olive green dresses complimented her honey blond hair and hazel eyes perfectly and the modest cut of her dress suited her well. Marley had chosen a silver dress, making her dark hair and blue eyes stand out. She had outlined her eyes in sparkling silver and she looked positively angelic, like a real snow angel.

I pulled on my midnight blue dress, having Emilie help with the blue silk buttons running down the back. The strapless dress practically hugged me, remaining form-fitting until it flared out just above the knees. I opened the small blue velvet box and carefully took out the delicate snowflake necklace. I clasped it around me neck and looked in the mirror. I barely recognized myself, all dressed up like this, and I wondered as I looked at the necklace, if I'd get that dance with Potter tonight…

Once we were all dressed we were finally ready to head downstairs. I held my breath and we came into view of the common room and I saw Potter waiting aside Sirius, Remus, and Peter in their tuxedos. He literally took my breath away with his dark hair combed (for once) to one side and a white rose identical to mine pinned to his lapel. It took me a moment to remember that I was going to the ball with Sirius, not him, and the sadness gripped me again.

However, Sirius looked equally dashing in his tuxedo and they all looked up as we approached.

"Well, if there was any doubt that you ladies were the best looking in the school before, there certainly isn't anymore," Sirius said, his eyes flitting between us all. I saw Potter staring at me, his eyes flitting to the necklace and back to my face.

"Thanks," I muttered, dropping my eyes away from Potter's face as Sirius looped his arm through mine and we started walking towards the Great Hall. I saw Emilie and Remus walking awkwardly next to each other and I had to suppress a smile.

Marley and Pippa met up with Liam and Adrian outside the Great Hall and I couldn't help but smile as I watched Liam slip a modest corsage onto Marley's wrist. She smiled up at him and he grasped her hand in his and they walked into the Great Hall together. Potter wandered into the Great Hall by himself, leaving Sirius and I alone.

Sirius's grip on my arm tightened as we watched Adrian kiss Pippa on the lips as he pulled her into the hall with him. I glanced over at Sirius, seeing him scowl darkly after them. I was starting to get the impression that he wasn't quite as over her as he appeared to be…

"You look really nice tonight," Sirius said as we walked into the hall together. "I like your necklace. Is that new?"

"Actually," I said, my hand reaching up to run my fingers over the snowflake. "Potter gave it to me yesterday. It's not that big of a deal. I guess he got it from his uncle or something."

"His uncle?" Sirius said, looking more closely at the pendant. "If he got it from his uncle, it most definitely _is_ a big deal."

"Why?" I asked bewildered, glancing down at the dazzling gems. "He said it's not even real gems."

"Lily," Sirius said, looking up at me, the sparkle from the necklace reflecting in his silver eyes. "James's uncle makes _only_ diamond jewelry. To him, anything fake is near blasphemy. If James got this from his uncle, those are most definitely real."

"But why—" I stuttered, letting the necklace fall back onto my collarbone.

"Lily, listen to me. He's done with Holly," Sirius said, his eyes boring into mine. "And you're done with Chris. Don't you see what he's doing here?"

Before I could say anything, Sirius pulled me into the hall behind him. The hall was practically dazzling in the evening light. The candles against the wall were lit and snowflakes were falling from the ceiling, mimicking the flurries outside. We took our seats at one of the tables and watched as Liam pulled Marley onto the dance floor, quickly followed by Remus and Emilie. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Holly with her Hufflepuff friends on the other side of the hall. She made eye contact with me and scowled, eyeing me up and down. I turned away, not wanting to deal with her tonight. I wanted to have fun with my friends and not have to worry about stupid schoolgirl threats.

"Do you guys want something to drink?" Adrian asked us, getting up.

"That would be great," I replied, looking to Sirius for his answer too.

"No thanks," Sirius said stiffly.

"Ok, I'll be back in a few," Adrian said, throwing Sirius a curious look.

"Could you be nice?" Pippa hissed when Adrian was out of earshot, smacking Sirius on the arm.

"I _was _being nice. I didn't want anything to drink," Sirius said flatly, turning away from her.

"What is your problem?" Pippa whispered angrily. "Are you jealous or something?"

Sirius turned angrily back to face her. "Jealous? Of that womanizer? Hardly."

"He's _not_ a womanizer!" Pippa hissed at him.

"Hey, how about that dance?" Potter appeared in the seat next to me, distracting my attention away from the spat between Sirius and Pippa.

"Dance?" I said, my eyes finding Holly in the crowd. My head was still reeling from Sirius's revelation about the necklace. Holly glared at me, seeing that I was talking to Potter.

"Maybe later," I said, looking down so that I wouldn't have to see Potter's hurt expression. I stood up and walked away, leaving him disappointed at the table, and hoping it would look to Holly like I was thoroughly ignoring him. When I looked up I saw that Holly had returned to her friends so I assumed she was satisfied.

I walked around the room, watching the couples dancing, wishing desperately that Potter and I could be among them. Pippa and Sirius were still arguing at the table and Potter was sitting off to one side, staring idly into the crowd. I turned my attention away from the table and focused instead on making sure all of the decorations were holding up. All of the students seemed to be having a good time, dancing, listening to the music, mingling amongst each other.

I backed out of the Great Hall, unable to take it all in anymore. I walked aimlessly down the hall away from the party.

I almost screamed when a hand reached out and pulled me down a corridor towards the small balconies outside the Great Hall, but I was calmed when I saw that it was only Potter.

"I need to talk to you," he said roughly, not meeting my eyes but letting my arm go as we walked out onto one of the decorated balconies off the Great Hall. The cold hit me hard in my strapless dress and heels and my teeth immediately started chattering. Potter flicked his wand casually and the air around me became suddenly warm, a bubble of heat surrounding us as thick clusters of snow fell around us.

"What's going on? Is everything ok?" I asked, glancing around to make sure that we were completely alone. Maybe now I could finally tell him that I care, that I'm not purposely ignoring him.

"I need to tell you something," Potter hesitated, his voice unsteady as he turned back towards me. I had never seen him this nervous before. His eyes lifted slightly to meet mine.

"Look, I know we haven't exactly gotten on all that well this year, and a lot of that is my fault. But that kiss last year…and then, you stayed with _him…_I thought I could make you jealous by dating Holly and then it just…backfired and turned into something it wasn't meant to be," Potter said, the words practically spilling from his mouth as if he'd been bottling this up for months. "And I thought that, maybe, when you broke up with Chris you were doing it for me and that I'd made a mistake by being with Holly, but you were so cold and distant and then seeing you get back together with him just made it so much worse. And I tried to just be with Holly and force myself to get over but I was lying to myself."

He took a deep breath, his hazel eyes full of emotion, locking with my emerald ones.

"It's you," James breathed, reaching a tentative hand out to tuck a stray auburn curl behind my ear. "It's always been you. And I've been an idiot for trying to deny it for so long, but I want to be with you. And I think you want to be with me, too."

I couldn't breathe. My heart was thumping wildly in my chest and I was sure that he could hear it. Was this really happening? I must be dreaming. Never in a million years could I have hoped he would be standing before me saying these things. My voice was stuck in my throat, the millions of things I wanted to say to him remaining trapped inside me.

"I love you, Lily," James said quietly, his hand tracing the side of my face gently, as he took a step toward me, his eyes never leaving mine. "I always have, and I always will."

I couldn't remember how to breathe. But it didn't matter anymore as James rested his forehead against mine, our eyes closing as we listened to the snow swirling around us like a perfect snow globe. Our noses touched, just briefly before I felt his lips press gently against mine. My breath escaped me in a rush as his hands laced around my back, allowing me to melt into his arms. His kiss sent a jolt through me, electric, passionate as it made its way from my lips, coursing through my body to the tips of my toes, his scent overwhelming me in the best way possible..

It was a whole different kind of magic, unlike anything I'd ever experienced before, his body pressed against mine, my hands finding their way to his face…

"You _bitch_," the dangerous whisper broke us apart. My head was still reeling from the kiss but my insides froze as I saw Holly standing just inside the balcony, her hands clenched into fists at her sides.

"I warned you," she said, her voice low and dangerous, quivering with anger. I could feel James's eyes on me, bewildered by the situation.

"_I warned you!_" Holly yelled again, backing away from us. Before I could stop her she had turned as was running down the hall away from us. Without a word to James I took off after her but my path was quickly cut off by Sirius as he grabbed my hand, stopping me in my tracks.

"Hey, I've been looking for you two everywhere," Sirius said, sounding out of breath. "Dumbledore wants you and James for a toast in the Great Hall."

I glanced up in time to Holly's dress whipped out of sight around the corner along with any hope of stopping her.

* * *

_A/N: Sooooo ok I feel like there's not much I can say about this chapter since it's a 2-parter. So I'll just leave this here. And don't worry, I won't make you wait very long until the next chapter!_

_Coming up on Hogwarts Confessional:_

_- Absoulute shambles. _

_Cheers! I'm DYING to hear what you all thought of this chapter :) _


	33. Chapter 33 - The Ball, Part II

Chapter 33 - The Ball, Part II

Numbly I followed Sirius back to the Great Hall. I felt James's fingers lightly entwine with mine as we walked but I barely noticed as my brain was currently exploding from anxiety.

Holly was revealing the secrets. The Clique was going to _kill_ me. I should have just told them! Why didn't I tell them?

We passed through the door to the Great Hall and James gave my hand a squeeze before letting go as we walked through the throngs of students to get to Dumbledore.

We climbed onto the stage next to the band and Dumbledore handed us two slender champagne glasses, winking at us before turning to address the students.

My ears were ringing and I could barely hear what Dumbledore was saying to the students. All I could do was stare out at the mass of students all staring expectantly back at me. Soon enough, they'd all be talking about our secrets that would appear in that stupid book. I looked for any signs that they'd already appeared but I couldn't see any. No one was whispering nastily to each other, laughing behind their hands. Not yet.

My heart was beating wildly in my chest, making my breathing come in gasps and I concentrated on not passing out from worry.

I felt something jab into my side and I glanced over at James confused. He nodded his head slightly in Dumbledore's direction and I noticed that we were supposed to raise our glasses. I followed James's lead, our glasses clinking together with Dumbledore's and raised them to our lips, feeling the bubbly champagne burning slightly as it went down.

Dumbledore turned back to the students to say a few more words and when I looked back out into the crowd I was gripped with fear.

Whispering…they were whispering. Those students over there are huddled over something, whispering behind their hands, laughing silently about whatever they were looking at.

The ringing in my ears stopped abruptly, the sounds of the hall hitting me like a tidal wave. James pulled me off stage as Dumbledore finished his toast and dragged me to the side of the Great Hall.

"Lily, are you ok?" James said, his hands on my shoulders, steadying me. "You look like you're about to pass out."

"I need to find the Clique," I said, my voice shaking, glancing frantically around the Hall for any of my friends.

"What's wrong? What was Holly talking about earlier? What did she warn you about?" James asked, his hands sliding down my arms to grasp my hands. "Lily, please tell me?"

Honey blond hair caught my eye a few tables away. Emilie. Without a word to James I wrenched my hands from his and hurried towards her.

"Emilie, I need to talk to you," I said urgently, grabbing her arm and pulling her out of her chair.

"But Remus and I were just about to go dance," Emilie said, glancing back at her date. "Can't this wait?"

"No," I said, still looking around for any signs of Pippa or Marley.

"Lily, what's wrong?" Emilie said, catching onto my frantic tone.

"I did something really stupid," I said, making sure we were out of earshot of anyone.

Emilie just stared me, her eyes wide with anticipation. "What happened?"

I opened my mouth to tell her just as Remus appeared a grim look on his face. He gently pushed both of us towards the corner of the room and pulled his Hogwarts Confessional out of his robe.

I closed my eyes, my fears confirmed, watching as he flipped to the latest page. It was like waiting for a death sentence, the anticipation was killing me.

Around us, the whispering was turning into talking, people glancing over at us with judgmental eyes. I almost didn't want to see what was written. But I knew I'd find out anyways.

"I heard people talking about the new confessions that appeared in the book," Remus said gravely, his eyes lifting slightly to meet mine. "I thought you guys should see it first before you heard it from someone else."

Emilie snatched the book from him, both of us bending over to read the small print.

_389. Who'd have known, Pippa Birch finally lost it to Adrian Austen, even though she's still completely in love with Sirius Black. _

_390. Speaking of Adrian, Lily Evans was the girl he was making out with the same night he and Pippa started dating… aren't they supposed to be best friends?_

_391. Emilie Quinn is completely obsessed with Remus Lupin. wonder if he'd still like her if he knew how many guys she's slept with…_

_392. Marley Marquette's not as innocent as she looks, she's sleeping with Liam Lawson ad they've only been dating for three weeks!_

My mouth went dry and Emilie looked up at me when she finished reading. Her hazel eyes were wide, horrified.

"Who wrote this?" Emilie whispered, her eyes swimming with tears. She glanced over at Remus, who had his eyes fixed on the floor, his hands shoved in his pockets.

"What the _hell_ is going on? Some punk fifth year kid just told me he loved the newest confession about me," Pippa screeched, appearing from behind Emilie. She stopped in front of us, her eyes resting on the book. She snatched it from Emilie's hands and I felt my entire body tense as her eyes skimmed the page quickly.

She finished reading and her hands lowered slightly, her eyes meeting mine in a dangerous stare. My breathing was coming out in gasps, unable maintain a steady rhythm.

"Is this true?" Pippa whispered, tossing the book at me. "You made out with Adrian the _same_ night we had our first date?"

I opened my mouth to explain but Marley interrupted us, tears streaming down her face and Liam's confessional in her hands.

"What the hell is going on here?" Pippa asked again as Emilie placed a comforting arm around Marley, her voice lowering to a dangerous growl. Her eyes never left mine, accusing me of everything that was right.

"We _have _to figure out who wrote this," Emilie said angrily as Marley lifted her head to look at us, her watery dark blue eyes full of emotion.

"I think it's pretty damn obvious," Pippa snarled, her eyes still locked with mine, taking a step forward, her blond hair swirling around her.

"I swear, it wasn't me," I said, backing away from her. "I would never have told. Just listen to me—"

"Who else could it have been?" Pippa said angrily. "You were the _only_ person I told about Sirius!"

"Oh, _please_" Marley choked through her tears. " Everyone knows you're in love with him, Pippa. You're not exactly discrete."

"What?" Pippa whirled around to face Marley who was standing defiantly next to Emilie.

"We're all sick of it," Marley spat at her, wiping the tears away from her cheeks. I'd never heard Marley say anything this harsh before. "And you hooking up with Adrian is honestly just pathetic."

Pippa looked like she'd been slapped across the face. Emilie and I stared dumbfounded at Marley after her outburst. Pippa quickly recovered herself, though, and was back on the defense.

"At least I'm not snogging my boyfriend all over the castle and hooking up in classrooms," Pippa spat back at her.

Marley's eyes widened in shock and she looked over at me.

"You told her?" Marley asked, her voice seeping with betrayal. I hadn't spoken a word to anyone about when I caught her and Liam in that classroom.

I shook my head, words escaping me.

"She didn't tell me anything," Pippa rolled her eyes, bringing the attention back to herself. "I saw you guys in the Transfiguration room like two weeks ago. Honestly you put on this good-girl act and it's getting old. Just face it, you slept with your boyfriend after a three weeks of dating. Even _I _wouldn't do that."

"Oh, please," Emilie cut in angrily. "Don't pretend you're better than her. We all know that you're just using Adrian to make Sirius jealous. He dumped you Pippa. Get over it. Sleeping with some other guy won't do anything but make you look even more pathetic than you already are."

Pippa stepped back, shocked by Emilie's statement. I continued to stare at my friends, seeing the tiny cracks in our friendship forming. I didn't even notice that James and Sirius had come to find Remus standing at a safe distance from us, staring helplessly as we tore each other to pieces.

"I'm _not_ using Adrian," Pippa whispered, tears swimming in her eyes. "He and I are together because we like each other."

"Sure you are," Emilie sneered. "That's why he made out with Lily on the same day you guys started dating and I _still_ see him flirting with other girls even though he's allegedly 'exclusive' with you."

"Either way, at least I'm not latching on to Remus as my last resort," Pippa hissed, her confidence regained. "I know you want a boyfriend and all but try not to be so desperate. It's just sad."

"_Enough!_" I shouted, stepping into the middle of everyone.

"Shove off, Lily," Marley burst angrily at me. "This is all your fault to begin with. You probably wrote this stuff to make yourself look better."

I stepped back, surprised by the venom in Marley's voice. She'd never been angry at me before.

"I didn't write this," I said again quietly, my voice shaking with emotion.

"She has a point, Lily" Emilie sighed. "You were the only one of us who knew all of this and we would never have posted it about ourselves."

I couldn't even respond. How could they even think that?

"Miss Evans, a word with you and your friends?" A stern voice startled me and I spun around to see McGonagall holding one of the confessional books in her hand. Holly was standing smugly next to her, a malicious grin plastered on her face.

My knees went weak. This was bad. It was a good thing I hadn't eaten much that day or else I would probably have gotten sick by now from the stress of this situation.

"I found a couple of students looking through this book," McGonagall said grimly, flipping through the pages absently. "Miss Perth here informed that it belongs to you ladies."

"There are just _awful_ things written in there, professor," Holly sobbed pathetically, putting on a good show. I glared at her as McGonagall skimmed through the book.

"There are things written about us in there, too!" Emilie argued, but McGonagall cut her off.

"Miss Perth seems to be under the impression that you four are the creators of the book," McGonagall said sternly, eyes each of us.

None of us said another word. We were all still seething from our own argument, none of us wanting to defend each other at the moment.

"Fine, if you no one will come forward, we'll have to take more drastic steps," McGonagall fumed, gripping the book tightly in her hands. "If none of you speak up before the Christmas break then suspension or even expulsion will be considered…for all of you."

With that, McGonagall turned sharply on her heel and made her way through the crowd back towards Dumbledore, no doubt to fill him in on the situation.

Without a word to the others, I turned and practically ran out of the hall. I needed to get away from everything. I couldn't deal with the Clique anymore. My position as head girl was in jeopardy. I'd finally gotten James, just to lose him all over again. He was sure to hate me after all of this. What kind of stupid girl would let this happen?

"_Damn_ it, Lily!" Emilie's voice burst violently behind me, making me jump. "This is all your fault!"

I turned to see Emilie, Pippa, and Marley trailing after me down the hall with Remus, Sirius and James close behind.

"For the last time, I _didn't_ write those confessions!" I nearly screamed back. My self control was at a breaking point. Angry tears were pushing against my eyes, trying to escape but I wouldn't give my friends the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

"Face it, Lily," Marley said in a dangerously steady voice, "you're the only one who knew _all_ of this. And the only secret about you wasn't even that bad compared to the rest."

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just don't go around doing _stupid_ things like the rest of you?" I spat back at her. It was harsher than I meant it, but it was every woman for herself at this point.

"Oh please," Pippa scoffed. "Have you seen yourself for the past six months? You broke up with Chris to be with Potter and when he decided he didn't want you anymore you moped around for _weeks_ because he was doing to you what you did to him for _years_. Your attempts to make him jealous by getting back together with Chris were just pathetic."

I stood numbly before Pippa, all of the people I cared about watching as she tore me to pieces by listing all of my flaws which I'd been too blind to see myself. I couldn't even defend myself, knowing that everything she said was completely true.

"And you know," Pippa went on, her voice shaking with anger. "I _knew_ you were upset that you were the only virgin left in the Clique, but I never thought you'd do something like this to make yourself look better," Pippa said sadly, hitting me where it hurt the most. If I _had_ done it, that would have been a pretty good reason. I was too ashamed of myself at the moment to even attempt to tell them the truth, that Holly had stolen the Clique's confessional. I was too preoccupied with the sting of Pippa's accusations.

I could feel James's eyes on me from where he watched with his friends, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him. If I saw the revulsion, the pity, the disgust in his eyes, I think I would lose it. Because how else could he see me now than the girl who cut down her best friends to make herself look better?

A sob escaped Marley's mouth, and she stifled it with her hand, brushing past me as she walked quickly back to the Gryffindor tower, with Liam following closely behind.

Emilie lowered her head, not even looking at me as she followed Marley's example and headed back to the common room.

Pippa stared at me, her hazel eyes full of hate and sadness.

"Are you really in love with me?" Sirius couldn't help but asking, a cocky grin pulling at the sides of his mouth.

"Shove off, Black," Pippa burst angrily, turning red with embarrassment and she pushed past me down the hall.

"Pip, wait!" I pleaded, finally able to speak. Pippa stopped and turned to look at me.

"No," she said in a low steady voice. "I'm done with this. I don't want to hear any explanations; you've already done enough damage."

She hesitated, her eyes flickering past me to James who was standing solemnly next to Sirius. "A word of advice, Potter," Pippa said, her voice breaking slightly. "I wouldn't bother with her anymore. She's not worth it."

And with that she turned and disappeared around the corner, leaving me with the sting of her last comment.

* * *

_A/N: Happy Friday guys! As promised, here's a fast update! All of your feedback has been AMAZING and i'm so grateful to everyone who's left a review. Seriously, it makes my day._

_SO, now we know how the Clique falls apart... don't hate me guys, it gets better. Only a couple more chapters left! _

_A sneak peak of the next chapter:_

_- the prologue_

_- The Clique takes a trip to Dumbledore's office_

_- Lily has an idea_

_Cheers! Enjoy the weekend and leave a review :)_


	34. Chapter 34 - We Were Wrong

Chapter 34 - We Were Wrong

I watched as Pippa's red dress disappeared down the hall. My heart was beating wildly in my chest. This all felt like some horrible nightmare, one that I couldn't wake myself up from. Everything that had just happened, it was real.

I turned slowly, remembering that I wasn't alone in the hallway. Remus, James, and Sirius were standing awkwardly behind me, unfortunate witnesses to the demise of the Clique. They were all still staring down the hall where Pippa had retreated. None of them looked at me. They must hate me. And who could blame them? From everything they'd heard I _had_ written those things in the book.

And James….he must hate me now too. Why did this always happen? Just when everything was coming together for us something derailed us yet again. Why was this always so difficult? I had always thought that when you fell in love it was easy, effortless. This was the complete opposite.

"Excuse me," I said to the Marauders, slipping the strappy heels from my feet so I could run faster down the hall to my room. I needed to escape from their condemning stares.

"Lily, wait!" James called from behind me but I didn't turn. I couldn't stop. I had to keep running.

"Let her go, mate," I heard Sirius say just as I turned the corner.

I ran until I was at the Head's Dorm, the tears that had been threatening were dangerously close to falling. As soon as I was inside the common room, I a tear escape down my cheek and I took a deep steadying breath. I didn't want to cry. There was no use in crying… it just made me vulnerable.

I closed the door to my room, locking it with an extra charm. Knowing James, he'd try to talk to me tonight and I wasn't sure if I could handle that. I was already falling to pieces, my breathing coming in sharp, ragged breaths. I sat on my bed, wrapping my arms around myself like I was trying to hold my body together. It was oddly comforting though, knowing that I couldn't fall apart when I was holding myself together.

How long I stayed like that, I don't know. James knocked on my door several times, rattling it practically off its hinges. It barely registered with me though, my thoughts were already racing a thousand miles a minute. My fight with the Clique was on constant replay while I tried desperately to think of a way to fix this without any of us getting expelled…

"I don't think I even have to say how disappointed in you all I am," Dumbledore said in a stern voice, peering over the tops of his half-moon glasses at us.

Pippa shifted uncomfortably in her seat as we all avoided eye contact with each other. We were still seething from our fight two nights ago at the ball and the only reason we were sitting together now was because the headmaster had called us all in for a meeting after McGonagall filled him in on that nights events.

The confessional book was resting on the table between us and Dumbledore and I was tempted to jump out of my seat and stab it with one of the many ornate swords Dumbledore had hanging on his wall until that stupid little black book had suffered as much as I had.

"You four are the very last people I would have expected to be involved in something like this," Dumbledore said sadly, watching us carefully as we squirmed under his scrutiny.

"Unfortunately, this little book cannot be taken lightly. There are some serious allegations in here…cheating, stealing, intimate details of peoples' lives," Dumbledore shook his head sadly and I visibly winced, knowing he was referring to the last secrets about the Clique.

"If someone doesn't come forward soon and take responsibility for this, I'm afraid I'm going to have to punish all of you," Dumbledore stood up slowly, pacing behind his desk. "I have spoken to Professor McGonagall about the matter and have yet to come up with a suitable punishment, however, suspension and expulsion have been considered. I need you to understand the gravity of this situation."

We sat there silently in front of him, watching our futures tremble and slip away before us. None of us could say anything without condemning the others, not that any of us were interested in sparing each other anymore. All the hateful things said that night were still burning in my mind, playing over and over again like a horrible broken record.

Dumbledore stopped his pacing to stare at us once more. Each of us had our arms crossed over our chests, defiantly looking anywhere but at each other.

"Since you all seem uninterested in confessing anything today I will give you one more week. If by the start of the Christmas holiday no one has come forward, I'm afraid that severe punishment will follow. You may leave now," Dumbledore extended his left hand, indicating that we leave.

Slowly, we all got up, still avoiding any kind of contact with each other and started to file out of the room. As soon as we exited the headmaster's office we all went separate ways, despite the fact that we were all going to the same class. None of us could even stand to walk down the same hall. I couldn't blame them for being mad, we all said awful things about each other. However, after everything that had happened, I doubt they'd even listen to me if I tried to explain what had really happened. How on earth was I supposed to make things right when the Clique wouldn't even stay in the same room with me?

All around me, kids were whispering behind their hands as I passed. I knew what they were talking about. It was all that everyone was talking about: the downfall of the Clique. I grew aggravated, being the focus of everyone's attention as I walked to Charms.

"Make out with anyone's boyfriend today, Evans?" a fifth year Slytherin sneered at me as I passed. I flinched slightly as his friends laughed along with him.

My grip on my bag tightened as I picked up the pace to get to class.

Just as I was about to turn into the classroom, Potter appeared from around the corner, making my stomach lurch. I had been very careful to avoid him since the night of the ball.

With the loss of my closest friends, I didn't think I could handle his desertion, too. I wasn't even sure if he _would_ ditch me like everyone else but I couldn't risk it. After all, why on earth would he still like me after this? For all he knew, I _had_ written all those awful things about my friends in the confessional. I couldn't exactly blame him if he didn't want to be with me anymore… but I wasn't quite ready to hear him say so.

I ducked into the classroom quickly before he could say anything to me and dropped into a seat between two Hufflepuff girls that I'd never spoken to before in my life. The two girls abruptly stopped talking as soon as I sat down and turned their chairs very obviously away from me like I was some kind of pariah. I might as well have been.

I pretended to be busy looking for a quill in my bag as Potter and Sirius passed by my seat and luckily Flitwick entered the classroom, sparing me from any awkward public confrontation I might have with them. Why couldn't Christmas break come any sooner? I wasn't sure I could handle another whole week of this…

I twirled a piece of auburn hair around my finger as I stared absently at the chandelier hanging above McGonagall's head. I wasn't even paying attention to what she was saying about N.E.W.T.S. It didn't matter to me at this point. All I could think about was how I had gotten into this horrible mess….It had been six days since our meeting with Dumbledore. We were running out of time. I hadn't even started this whole thing and I was getting blamed. And worse, my position as Head Girl was _seriously_ in jeopardy.

Accepting the fact that I wouldn't take in a word of the lesson, I began looking around the classroom. Scattered around the room were the three girls I used to call my best friends. We used to think that nothing could ever tear us apart. We used to think that we were indestructible. And now I knew that we were wrong.

Marley was bent low over her notes, her long dark hair spilling over her parchment while she copied furiously what McGonagall was saying in her lecture on who-knows-what. It was hard to think of her, all the talks we used to have, the way that she could see a positive light in any situation… I wondered if she could see anything positive about our present situation….

Emilie was sitting in the row ahead of Marley, her chin resting in her hands, her lips turned down at the corners. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Emilie frown and it made me sad. She wouldn't even look at me anymore…

I glanced down the table while pretending to scratch my neck and caught a glimpse of Pippa. She seemed not to be paying attention as well. She was resting her chin in her hands and absentmindedly moving her quill in circles on her parchment while staring at the corner of the ceiling. Her brilliant blond curls cascaded down her back and her hazel eyes were glassy and unfocused. My heart ached as I watched her. She looked uneasy sitting there. Every so often she would drop the quill and her hand would scramble until she felt the feather between her fingers, never taking her eyes off the ceiling. I wondered what she was thinking about, if it was the same thing I was thinking about.

I couldn't stand sitting in that room anymore with everyone who hated me and each other. I just couldn't. So for the first time in the history of my years at Hogwarts, I got up and walked out of class. I kept my eyes down, avoiding what I assumed to be a furious stare from McGonagall, slung my bag over my right shoulder and just walked out. As I neared the door, my vision started to blur as the tears I had been holding back for days started to slide down my cheeks.

Once I was outside the classroom I ran the rest of the way to the girl's bathroom. I dropped my bag just inside the door and propped myself up over one of the sinks and turned on the faucet to drown out the sound of my crying. I watched the tears fall and quickly blend into the running water.

I looked up into the mirror above the sink at my tear-stained face, my green eyes ever more brilliant because of the crying. Strands of limp red hair fell around my face and down my back. My face was flushed and my freckles were barely visible at the moment. I sighed and slumped back against one of the stone walls, sliding down to the ground. I buried my face in my arms and started crying again.

Everyone hated me. Everyone. I had never felt like this before. How had I gone from the most popular girl in school to the most hated?

I heard the bathroom door open and I bolted into one of the stalls, quickly closing the door. I prayed that whoever just came in hadn't heard me crying. Hopefully they'll just do their thing and leave.

"Lily?"

I held my breath. _Damn_.

"Lily, I know you're in here."

I didn't move. Of all the people to come in here, this was the one person I absolutely could not face right now. Fresh tears were now falling silently down my cheeks and I put my hand over my mouth to suppress my haggard breathing. I heard footsteps coming closer to the stall and instinctively I backed away from the door. I remembered only too late that I hadn't locked the stall. The door slowly opened.

"Lily…?"

"P-Please," I stuttered through my tears as Potter's face was revealed. "Please, just go away."

I pushed past him out the stall and went for my bag on the floor but Potter caught my arm, pulling me back around to face him.

"Lily, wait," Potter said, confusion painted plainly on his face. "What's going on? Why have you been avoiding me?"

"Why do you think?" I sobbed, sinking back onto the floor next to my bag.

"What happened between us…on the balcony," Potter said, his voiced sounding oddly calm and collected as he knelt down in front of me. "I thought… I thought maybe, I mean, you didn't stop me… I thought maybe it meant something to you, too. But then you've been avoiding me and… did it? Mean something to you?"

"It doesn't matter," I sniffed, a fresh wave of tears spilling down my cheeks.

"It doesn't matter?" Potter repeated flatly, sounding like he'd just been kicked in the stomach.

"Don't you understand?" I looked up at him, my eyes swimming with fresh tears. "It doesn't matter if it meant something or not, it doesn't matter if it felt right or wrong. It doesn't matter because there always seems to be something working against this… you and I. It's Holly, and it's Chris, and it's these stupid bloody books and there will always be something getting in our way and…"

I trailed off, unable to finish my sentence. Potter stared at me in disbelief as a small sob escaped my lips. "Maybe Pippa was right… maybe I'm really not worth waiting for."

"That' not true," Potter said quietly, his hazel eyes locking with mine through the tears.

"I don't even blame the Clique for hating me right now," I said looking away, barely hearing Potter's argument. "I would too if I were them. And you know what the worst part of this is? I could have _stopped_ this from happening. If I had just stayed away from you like Holly told me to, none of this would have happened."

"What?" Potter's head snapped up at the mention of Holly. "Wait, Lily, what did Holly say?"

"She was the one who posted those secrets about us, you know," I scoffed bitterly, pushing myself off the ground and pacing restlessly back and forth in front of the sinks. "All because I couldn't bring myself to stay away from you."

"Woah, slow down," Potter jumped to his feet, grabbing one of my arms to stop me. "What do you mean she was the one who posted the secrets about you? How would she have known?"

My head was racing and my hands were shaking with a nervous energy that I couldn't identify. The warm tears were still flowing freely down my face and I didn't bother trying to stop them. It was becoming clearer to me, how I could fix this.

"Lily, please just tell me, what's going on? Why would Holly have known that stuff about you guys? Did she make it up?" James grabbed my arms, forcing me to stop pacing.

"Of course she didn't make it up," I said. "It doesn't even matter how she knew."

"Yes it does," James shook his head at me. "How can you say that? Of course it matters!"

"No, it doesn't," I contradicted him. "Don't you see? Either way, whether I did or didn't write those secrets, it's my fault that they got published. And while, granted, the books weren't exactly my idea the spell-work is all mine. I can just turn myself in to Dumbledore and this whole horrible nightmare can be over with."

I slid my hands from James's grip and went to grab my bag.

"Wait, Lily, you _can't_ turn yourself in," James said, desperation edging into his voice. "Dumbledore said you could be expelled if you take the blame."

"I have to do this, James," I said, looking him in the eyes. "Dumbledore said that if none of us came forward then we _all_ could be expelled. They don't deserve that, as horrible as the things they may have said are, they don't deserve to be expelled…"

"But neither do you!" James pleaded.

"I don't know what I deserve anymore," I said quietly, my eyes falling to the floor. "But this is the least I can do… Please, just let me go."

James's hands fell to his side helplessly as I grabbed my bag from the floor, slinging it over my shoulder as I pushed open the bathroom door, leaving him standing there.

I tried desperately to ignore the stabbing pains in my heart from what I just did and focus instead on what I was about to do.

I arrived at Dumbledore's office and taking a few deep breaths to calm myself down, I knocked on the door.

* * *

_A/N: Hey everyone! First of all, thanks so much for all of the AWESOME reviews you have left! They seriously make my day! And so we're back to the prologue! Everything's gone to hell for Lily here, and now you know why, BUT the end of the story is near... how will everything get fixed? Predictions, thoughts, and opinions are all greatly appreciated :)_

_Here's a taste of what's next:_

_- Lily has a chat with Dumbledore_

_- The Clique confronts Lily._

_- James writes a letter._

_- Lily gets her book back._

_Cheers! Leave a review :)_


	35. Chapter 35 - Nothing But Ashes

Chapter 35 - Nothing But Ashes

"Miss Evans, you're sure that you were the only one involved in creating these books? Forgive me, but I find that somewhat hard to believe," Professor Dumbledore mused, staring at me intently over his half moon glasses. Even though I had just spilled everything about the books, aside from the fact that it was Pippa's idea Dumbledore was in a surprisingly good mood.

"You can check the spell-work," I assured him. "It was done by my wand. Don't take this the wrong way, my friends are brilliant, but none of them are advanced enough to be able to perform the spells necessary for this book."

Dumbledore couldn't argue that point and I knew that he had to believe me. But as relieved as I was to have the Clique off the hook, I couldn't help but feel nervous still for my impending punishment.

"Miss Evans, you are aware that you are risking expulsion by turning yourself in?" Dumbledore asked, resting his elbows on his desk and gazing over his hands at me.

I swallowed hard, my insides twisting.

"Yes," I replied.

Dumbledore nodded slightly. "McGonagall informed me that there were several confessions that were speculated to have been written by yourself about your friends. Is that true as well?"

"No, I didn't write those," I said truthfully. It was strange to tell the truth and have someone believe me for once.

"But you won't tell me who _did_ write them, even though you know," Dumbledore's blue eyes sparkled as I stared defiantly back.

"With all due respect, sir, I think enough name dropping has been done in those books," I said. Even though I dearly wanted Holly to get some _major_ Karma for screwing up my life, there was no way I could turn her in without having to explain _why_ she was blackmailing me. Somehow rehashing my tattered love life with Dumbledore didn't seem like the most appealing idea at the moment.

"Very well," Dumbledore nodded. He stood up and began pacing behind his desk again. I watched anxiously, knowing that my punishment was coming soon. I could only hope that he would suspend me, or demote me rather than expulsion. It was a very small hope, though.

"Lily," Dumbledore said, addressing me informally. "I have watched you and your friends for the last six years and forgive me, but I am not as oblivious to the goings-on at this school as you seem to think I am." Dumbledore paused mid-pace to glance at me over his glasses.

"Oh, sir, I didn't mean-" I sputtered, horrified that I had insulted him but Dumbledore held up a hand, silencing me.

"I only mean that I know it was not just you who was involved with this little book," Dumbledore gestured to the little black book still sitting on his desk. "Lily, you are Head Girl and the top student in your class. I know that your involvement with this book was most likely limited to your knowledge of the correct spells to use."

I let out a strangled sigh. So he had seen through me… now I was going to get punished for lying _and _the Clique would get expelled. Why can't I ever do anything right?

"It must have taken a lot for you to come here and confess to being solely responsible for this book, especially considering that you and your friends don't seem to be all that fond of each other at the moment," Dumbledore took his seat behind the desk, peering at me with his blazing blue eyes. How on earth did he seem to know _everything_? If he knew so much, why did he even bother waiting for us to confess?

"I'm not going to expel you," Dumbledore said, and I glanced up at him sharply. Not expelled?

"But, sir-"

"Lily," Dumbledore held up a hand again, silencing me. "If there's one thing I greatly admire, it is loyalty. Even when your friends seemingly hate you, you are willing to risk everything to save them. And for that alone, I am not expelling you."

I stared at him in disbelief. I wasn't getting expelled because I risked everything for my friends? Merlin, maybe I finally _did_ do something right.

"You are an excellent Head Girl, Miss Evans," Dumbledore smiled. "So I will not be demoting you either. But I need someone to stay over the Christmas break to be on duty."

"I can do that," I said breathlessly. This was better than I could have hoped for.

"Don't breathe easy yet, Miss Evans," Dumbledore smiled. "I am presuming that you are still taking responsibility for this book, so in addition to your normal Head's duties you will complete one month's detention."

"A _month_?" I gaped at him. I had never received as much as one night's detention in my entire life.

"Since you won't have classes over the break you will be doing your detentions during the day so that you can be free at night to be on duty," Dumbledore smiled pleasantly at me, his blue eyes practically dancing.

It was a bittersweet victory, I guess. At least I hadn't been expelled, right? Ugh, but a _month_'s detentions. And how was I going to tell my parents that I wasn't coming home for Christmas?

"I'll take your fuming silence as consent then," Dumbledore smiled at me. "You may leave."

"Thank you, sir," I said, trying to be as pleasant as I could. I got up to leave.

"Miss Evans," Dumbledore said, and I turned back towards him. "Your detentions will begin tonight with Professor Binns. I believe he needs his entire classroom dusted and cleaned."

I groaned and Dumbledore chuckled sitting back at his desk, and with a flick of his wand the little black book that had caused so much trouble burst into flames, reduced to nothing more than harmless ashes.

"So you just told him it was all your idea? And he believed you?" Sirius asked, hopping onto the desk I was cleaning.

"Well, not really," I said, shoving Sirius back off the desk so that I could finish cleaning it. It was my second night of detention and I was _still_ attempting to clean Professor Binn's classroom. It seemed like it hadn't been cleaned in about 50 years. There were thick layers of dusk covering everything and the desks were covered in ink spills and quill scratches.

"Dumbledore pretty much knew it wasn't my idea. He said he admired my loyalty to my friends and for that he wouldn't expel me," I said, scrubbing at particularly stubborn ink stain. Lucky for me, Dumbledore had informed me later that I wasn't allowed to use magic during my detentions.

"So no one else is getting in trouble?" Sirius asked skeptically, leaning against a desk I had already cleaned.

"Not that I know of," I shook my head.

"You _really_ didn't rat out Holly or anything? I mean, it was her fault that those secrets got posted," Sirius said. He had come looking for me on my first night of detention. He was the only one of my friends still speaking to me and I couldn't have been more grateful. I had told him everything that had happened: that it was Pippa's idea to start the book, how I was the only one able to do the spells, and how Holly had stolen our personal books and blackmailed me.

"Yes, I know that," I griped, giving up on the ink stain and dropping into an empty chair. "But there was already enough of a mess with that stupid book and it seemed useless to drag someone else into it, especially since she didn't actually have anything to do with creating the book. And as much as I _hate_ her for what happened, it just didn't seem right to drop any more names, you know?"

"And James still doesn't know anything about what happened?" Sirius asked, pushing himself away from the desk and sitting in the chair next to me.

"Not really," I said, looking down at my hands. "I think I may have finally pushed him too far. He asked me about that kiss at the ball and if it meant anything and I told him it didn't matter."

"Lily," Sirius groaned, shaking his head at me. "Why would you say that? I thought you wanted this?"

"I didn't _mean_ it!" I said helplessly. "I was just so upset about the Clique and I couldn't deal with him asking me about that night and I thought he hated me for what happened. I mean, you guys must have really thought I had written that stuff!"

"Well, yeah," Sirius agreed. "But we hadn't heard your side of it. I mean, all we had to go on was what Pippa was saying."

"Right, so isn't it understandable that I thought he hated me for it? What kind of person writes that about their friends?" I said, exasperated. "I just wish Pippa could see that…"

"She'll come around," Sirius tried to comfort me, but it was half-hearted. I could see that he was distracted by something.

"Sirius, are _you_ alright?" I asked, attempting to clean the ink stain again.

"Lily, that stuff that Holly wrote in the book," Sirius started, his hands fidgeting with his robes. "Was all that true?"

I sighed, knowing what he was getting at. "You mean the confession about Pippa still being in love with you?"

"Well, not….I mean, I wasn't really—" Sirius stuttered, taken aback by assumption.

"I think you already know the answer to that," I said, giving up on the stain and moving on to the next desk.

"So it's true?" Sirius asked, hopping off his chair and following me.

I turned back around to face him. "Look, in the interest of being honest, she's loved you since like, fourth year. You know she never completely got over you after you guys broke up."

"Oh… I didn't realize that," Sirius said, running a hand through his shaggy black hair. "But she really loves me?"

"Sirius, for Merlin's sake can we please not talk about Pippa anymore?" I sighed, cleaning an unusually large spider web from underneath a desk.

"Still gossiping about people, Evans? Didn't get enough of it with that book?" Pippa's harsh voice came from the doorway and I nearly hit my head on the desk jumping up.

"Pippa, no I wasn't—" I stuttered, completely surprised at her appearance.

"Save it," Pippa snapped, giving me a icy stare.

"Why aren't you gone for Christmas yet?" I asked, attempting to be friendly. Surely she's heard that I'd taken the fall for her. I thought she might be a little more grateful.

"Train doesn't leave until tonight," Pippa said coldly, turning to leave. "I have another meeting with Dumbledore before I go."

"Oh," was all I could say before Pippa was out of sight, leaving Sirius and I alone again.

"Why didn't you tell her she was off the hook?" Sirius asked.

I shrugged. "I thought she already knew, but I guess not. Oh well, she'll find out soon enough when she has her meeting with Dumbledore."

"But maybe she wouldn't have been so cold to you if you told her yourself," Sirius suggested, grabbing a clean rag and helping me clean out cobwebs from underneath the desks.

"You must not know Pippa that well," I smirked. "After what just happened with the books, I doubt she'd believe anything I say. Plus, Pippa's the kind of person who needs extra confirmation on things, she has to hear them straight from the source."

Sirius nodded silently, lost in thought. I couldn't help but suspect what he was thinking about. I had the sneaking suspicion that maybe he still had feelings for Pippa, too. Maybe this was what he needed to hear to finally go after her.

"Sirius, you don't have to help me with this," I said, noticing that he was cleaning.

"It's ok," Sirius said. "I have nothing to do until the train leaves tonight anyways."

I gave him a small smile and we continued to clean while we both tried desperately to keep our conversations away from Pippa or James.

I still had three hours of detention left. Sirius had given up cleaning after about ten minutes and instead was amusing himself by pointing his wand at particularly large collections of dust and making them explode everywhere.

"Sirius, will you stop that? I'm going to have to take your wand away from you," I growled at him as dust exploded all over the desk I had just cleaned.

Sirius stuck his tongue out at me like a five-year-old and I quickly pulled out my own wand from my pocket.

"_Accio wand!"_ I said, and Sirius's wand flew from his hand into mine. "Ha! See? I told you."

Sirius scrambled off the desk he was perched on. "Lily, come on give it back!"

"That was almost too easy. I though you Marauders were supposed to be clever," I smirked at him as I moved between desks, keeping my distance from him.

"Lily?" A voice came from the door and I whipped around, still holding Sirius's wand. In my momentary distraction, Sirius leapt over the desk between us and snatched his wand back.

Marley, Emilie, and Pippa were standing in the doorway, their expressions solemn.

"Lily, we just had a meeting with the headmaster," Marley said, looking at me intently. I was completely covered in dust, my hair pulled back into a messy ponytail and smudges of dirt smeared across my robes and face.

"He told us you took the blame for everything," Emilie said solemnly.

"Oh," was all I could say.

"Why did you do it?" Pippa asked, her face an expressionless mask. "And no offense, but why aren't you expelled?"

"Well, I didn't want _you_ guys to get expelled, so I told Dumbledore that it was all me," I explained, leaning back against a desk as the Clique slowly filed into the classroom. "Of course, he didn't really believe that it was all me but he said that….he said that my loyalty to you was really admirable and so he wouldn't expel me."

"Why would you even care if we got expelled or not?" Pippa crossed her arms over her chest. I could tell that she was going to be more stubborn about forgiving me. "After that stuff you wrote—"

"For Merlin's sake, Pippa. You _know_ I didn't write any of that," I burst, frustration seeping into my voice.

"Then who did?" Marley asked quietly, her eyes on the floor. "Lily, come on. You _were_ the only one who knew it all. We just want a straight answer."

"That _is_ my straight answer," I practically screamed. After all this, how could they still think I wrote that stuff? "Holly's the one who wrote it. She was mad that Potter broke up with her so she stole my personal book from my room to blackmail me with. I was supposed to stay away from Potter but then she saw us kissing at the ball, threw a fit, and wrote all the secrets."

"She _what?" _Marley hissed, snapping her head up to look at me.

"You were being blackmailed?" Pippa asked, shock written plainly across her face.

"You and Potter were _snogging?!"_ Emilie practically shrieked. I winced, forgetting that we had all been too busy screaming at each other that night for me to tell them about that.

"But why didn't you just tell us when it happened?" Pippa asked, hopping onto the desk across from me.

"Well, judging by your reactions the other night, could you blame me?" I said, looking hesitantly between my three friends. "I thought you'd get mad, especially since I was keeping secrets for all of you. I thought I could handle Holly by myself. I thought I could stay away from Potter… apparently not."

"Well of course you couldn't," Marley laughed and the realization of what she said hit me before I was ready. I really _couldn't _stay away from Potter. Even when my friends' reputations were at stake I was still too damn in love with him to stay away.

"Look, we hate to go, but we'll miss the train back the London," Emilie said. "We're really sorry that we got so mad…but you know, we didn't _know_."

"It's fine, really," I assured her as Marley tackled me in a hug.

"We owe you so much for taking the fall for us," Marley said in a muffled voice as she held tightly onto me.

"No you don't," I said as she let go. "I got us into this mess. It's the least I could do."

Pippa was still perched awkwardly on the desk across from me and I moved hesitantly towards her.

"Pip, about Adrian…" I started, seeing that she was obviously reluctant to forgive me so easily. "It was a dare… that night when the Marauders were playing Truth-or-Dare, I was dared to go into the library and make out with the first person I saw. It was just a dumb coincidence that it was Adrian. I'm so sorry…"

"It's fine," Pippa said shortly. "I broke up with Adrian right after the ball."

Behind me, Sirius dropped his wand accidentally and scrambled to get it again as it rolled under a desk. I held back a laugh, knowing how happy he might be to hear that Pippa was single again.

Pippa was chewing on her lower lip, looking like there was something else she wanted to say.

"Oh, Lily, I'm _so_ sorry," She burst, throwing her arms around me. "All those awful things I said to you. I was just horrible and you were only trying to protect us. I'm so, so_, so_ sorry!"

I let out a stifled laugh into Pippa's blond curls and hugged her back, happy that she wasn't mad anymore.

"Ladies! We have to go or we'll miss the train!" Emilie called from the door.

"Write to me over break," Pippa said, letting go of me. "I'm sorry you have to stay here."

"I don't mind," I said, my thoughts drifting towards James and how he would be leaving soon, too. Maybe I could catch him before he left…

"Pippa, wait," Sirius called as just before Pippa disappeared out the door.

She turned back towards him, confusion painted plainly on her face.

"Can I walk you back to Gryffindor? I wanted to talk to you about something," Sirius said, following her out the door as she nodded silently, too surprised to speak.

I smiled as I watched them disappear out the door together. As soon as they were out of sight, I threw the dust rag I was holding onto the nearest desk and left the classroom, not even caring that my detention wasn't over yet. Professor Binns could give me an extra week for that but I didn't care. I had to talk to James before he left.

I ran down the corridors, knocking into the students as they headed for the train. I just _had_ to talk to him before he left. I couldn't leave things like this… It was too similar to how we left things last summer. We were finally in that place where we both felt the same and I _had_ to tell him.

I sprinted down the emptying corridor towards the Heads dorm, nearly tearing right through the portrait hole. I stopped in the common room, pausing momentarily to catch my breath as I looked wildly around for James.

The common was room was empty but his bedroom door was shut. Hopefully he was in there. I knocked on the door, still breathing heavily from running.

When he didn't answer, I tentatively opened the door. His room was empty…

I let out a disappointed sigh, running my hands through my hair helplessly. I turned back towards the common room hoping that he would magically appear before me.

I noticed something on the table in the corner and walked over to it. I recognized it as my personal confession immediately and my insides tightened. How did this get here? I picked it up, turning it over in my hands. I opened the book, noticing that the book was creased in one spot. My insides sunk when I recognized the page and saw what we had written. I barely even noticed the small folded piece of parchment that fell out from between the pages. I was too embarrassed by what was written between myself and the Clique.

Hello? Anyone there?

_We're here. Is everything ok?_

Um, kind of. Chris basically attacked me last night, and I'm fine, don't worry, but I'll tell you the full story when I see you guys.

**Are you serious? He attacked you?**

Really, I'm fine. Potter came just in time and basically saved me. And then we had a moment this morning…

_**What do you mean, a moment? Did you kiss him or something?**_

Not exactly….but I came SO close to telling him that I love him and then Holly came in…

_Ok, seriously Lily get your ass over here, we need to Girl Talk._

I cringed slightly as I read over the messages. Whoever returned this book must have read this passage… the spine of the book was creased like it had been opened to this page many times. I would bet my entire Gringott's bank account that it was Holly. I knew that she had read the book, this must have really set her off…

I noticed the folded piece of parchment lying on the table and carefully unfolded it, expecting it to be from Holly.

My stomach dropped when I recognized the handwriting as Potter's. The note was short, my hope deteriorating with every word I read.

_Lily,_

_I thought you'd want your book back. I talked with Holly and she told me everything. Sirius told me you're not expelled… so good luck with your detentions, I guess. I'm home for Christmas but I'll see you when I get back._

_-James_

I stared at the note, rereading it several times, looking for any shred of emotion in his words. Did he still love me? Why did he have to give me nothing to go on? If _only_ I had gotten here before he left.

My stomach twisted unpleasantly as I read his note again. He had heard everything from Holly… so maybe he knew that I loved him? And yet he didn't say anything about it… He had just left.

Maybe he had really listened to me this time and actually let me go. Tears formed behind my eyes as that realization hit me. Maybe I really had pushed him too far this time. He had put himself out there several times now and I still couldn't give him a shred of hope. What was wrong with me?

Was I so scared of being in love with him that I unconsciously sabotaged any chance of ever being with him? I couldn't see how he would ever want me again after this… I _can't_ believe I told him that our kiss didn't matter. That just moved to the top of my "Lily's stupidest decisions" list right above getting back together with Chris.

I sank down into a chair at the table, letting his note fall out of my hands onto the floor. I rested my head in my hands, letting the tears fall onto the confessional, blurring the ink so that it became unreadable.

What had I done?

* * *

_A/N: Hi everyone! So I know this was a bit of a downer chapter at the end but at least the Clique is back together! Now Lily just has to figure out how to fix things with James... Any ideas? _

_Here's what's coming up!_

_- Lily writes a letter and wakes up on the floor. _

_- James get a Christmas tree and a box. _

_We're so close to the end and it makes me sad, but I'm also really excited to start posting my next story, _If Wishes Were Fishes_! And if you haven't already, go check out my short story _Forget Me Not_ :) _

_Leave a review!_


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